Maybe My Kid Is Just Not Cut Out for Sports?

I can't imagine ever telling my kids they aren't as good as the star player. Not everyone can be a star player and they all need to be a team to be successful. My husband coaches all of my boys sports (baseball, football, and basketball) and they always have a few awkward kids. Kids are supposed to be awkward at 8.

Don't teach him that quitting is okay, teach him that pushing through is the way to be successful. He doesn't have to be the best to get it...he has to have fun. If having fun isn't the goal of any sport he does at 8, then he shouldn't be doing anything at all anyways.

If he does not want to quit playing then definitely leave him on the team! As long as he wants to do it he should be signed up and going each week. I would not spend any time worrying if he is meant for team sports or not. He is benefiting from it in many ways. At some point when he is much older he either will not make the team or the coach will have him sitting on the side lines a lot. And this is ok. If he wants to do it then let him. The other option is he will get better over time. If he does not like playing team sports anymore and would rather try other activities instead then this is the time to let him quit. Otherwise you are over thinking this. I would not pull him out.

Kids' sports have reached a level of insanity, haven't they? My oldest is 17 and a high school senior, and my younger boys are 11 & 9 so I've seen my fair share of sports. And I remember feeling the same way you did when my oldest was that age. He actually didn't play anything at all in 3rd grade because he just wasn't interested in basketball, baseball or soccer, all which he had played for a couple of seasons before. In the spring of 4th grade, I asked him in passing if he wanted to try lacrosse and he was like "sure." I had no idea that the team had starting practicing in January (this was March) but they took him anyway and while he was definitely the worst one on the team, he liked it, and he played for 3 more seasons. At around the same time, he started pestering me about playing hockey (after declining skating lessons for years). I ignored his request and hoped it would go away because...hockey. Ugh. He kept at it and kept at it. So I borrowed some equipment and enrolled him in late-start lessons the summer before 5th grade, and he did several sessions of skating and skills in 5th grade, and joined a team in 6th, the middle school team, the JV team, and will play varsity this year. Tonight is his final game of rec-league hockey. I never would have believed you if you told me when he was 8 that we had 7 years of hockey ahead of us, and that the thought of his last game would make me want to cry, but here we are. Never a super star kid, never the fastest or the strongest or the biggest or most skilled, but always did his job on the ice and contributed to the team.

I know that looking at those other kids who seem to have sports sense - they get the game, the understand where to be and how to make plays, they are naturally athletic - it seems like they are the rule and not the exception. They're not. They really are the exception. Most 8 year olds really are a little clumsy and slow and uncoordinated, are fumbling around still learning their sport and learning their position. It's too bad that our crazy sports culture makes it seem like if a kid isn't talented and committed by age 8, he's washed up. That's insane, right? There are kids who excel at sports in high school and college that they didn't start playing until they were teenagers! And time and time again, the true experts say that playing lots of sports and not getting too involved in one is the best way to a) keep kids playing and b) develop healthy, athletic kids who aren't prone to overuse injuries or exercising only one set of skills.

So my advice? If he's happy playing, let him play. If or when he reaches a point where he feels like a team or sport isn't a good fit and wants to bow out, let him bow out. But he is on a team, he committed to the team, he is happy playing, so let him play this season and keep the long view in mind - it's about being active, working in the "stretch zone," learning teamwork and camaraderie, learning how to be coachable, and most importantly, having fun.

J., I'll just share my own experience with our Kiddo, who is also 8.5 years and in 3rd grade.

He's not a 'sporty' kid. LOVES his scooter, loves to bike. We tried soccer, judo to no great success. He liked judo for a while, until he didn't. Turns out that climbing is totally his 'thing'. We found a bouldering gym nearby (free climbing with big, thick mats underneath) and enrolled him in an afterschool group one day a week. He takes breaks from this group when he wants (they enroll 6 weeks at a time) and our agreement is that he has to get other exercise when not going to climbing.

If it were me, I'd let your son stick with the basketball until he decides it's 'not for him'. Also consider helping him have some fun in some solo physical activities. My kid is just not wired for team sports at this age. Maybe someday? Hmmmmm-- that will be up to him if he wants to continually practice and put for the effort. Each kid is wired so differently, I'd say let your son decide if he wants to continue and for how long.

Let him finish out the season and then sign him up for taekwondo.
Not every one is in to the team sports.
With martial arts - in some ways it's less competitive - you are just trying to improve upon your own past performance - and our son loves that!
He just passed his 4th Don black belt test last Sept.

Your question sounded like you were talking about my child, he is not the strongest player, not co-ordinated at all. will read a book when he is resting at the game, but loves to play. He has fun. I have heard a lot og parents make snide remarks about him from the side line, it did hurt in the beginning and I tried to shield my child from that, but last season the assistant coach had a melt down in front of my child and that brought my child to tears.
Oh boy! did mama bear come out. We spoke to the head coach and broached the subject, and mentioned that my sons always shows up for practice on time and is there at every game. We also mentioned to him that there are other teams he can play on. The response from the head coach was simple, kids need to have fun and enjoy the game, that is the best way to learn. Every child has different strenghts, focus on those. We were also told that any snide remarks are to be reported to the park district and they are taken seriously.
The assistant coach no longer coaches the team
I know it is hard mama, but competion begins at home even with siblings they have different strenghts, they will have to learn to deal with it and meet their potential.
Hang in there, it will get more comfortable. Let him play one sport for a couple of seasons to decide if he likes it.
I hope it helps

Here's what I don't get….

"Everyone says that…" Why do you care what everyone else's opinion is about his athletic choices? If I feel it's in my child's best interest to stay or go, that's what we do. I don't need a social barometer.

Personally, I would have hated being paraded through all these different sports with the hopes that something will stick. My parents let us make our own choices. In terms of my kids, we've tried soccer, tee ball, gymnastics, and tae kwon do, all with their approval, all of which became too problematic for various reasons, and we finally said screw it - if you want to try something else, let us know. My kids HATE team sports - they hate how competitive the other kids are, how rude they are if you aren't as good as they are, the possibility of being hurt. They both love to run around and are active and healthy, but they hate team sports. That was how I was, too - I tried my hardest in gym class, and despite straight As in every other class, I could never pull an A in there. The bigger concern is what does HE want? If he's enjoying playing even though he's not as good as the others, fine. Just be darn sure he's not saying that because his parents would be disappointed. My son HATED soccer - but he didn't want to be pulled because he worried the other kids would assume he couldn't hack it (he couldn't, but he hated hearing everyone else's opinions).

I would not sign him up for anything in the future without his full involvement and understanding. By 8, he probably has an idea of what he enjoys. It might be chess.

ETA based on your SWH:

Things aren't getting "judgy." People are pointing out things you seem not to have considered. Isn't that why you're here??? (since you claim not to have all the answers, how 'bout you not call people giving you alternate answers "judgy." That's rude. And judgy.)

Yep. I get that people ask for advice and that's how you're being exposed to what others think. That's obvious. That doesn't answer my question. My question to you is: why do you need advice? Why can't YOUR CHILD tell you what he wants? Why does any other adult opinion matter more than what your kid wants in this situation? Personally - that would be the ONLY opinion that would matter to me. And by the way - now you sound even more embarrassed of him than you did before...

I'd let him fulfill the obligation he took on already of being on the team. When the season is over, ask if he wants to sign up again for next year. Leave it up to him.

I've let our kids decide their activities. Our daughter tried softball one year, liked it a lot at first and then ending up not liking it as much by the end of the season. She wasn't great at it, although she had one stellar game as pitcher. She wasn't interested in playing again next season, so we didn't sign her up. She's on her second year of soccer and loves it. Again, not going to make a competitive team, but she's having fun and enjoys going, so she's sticking with it. Our oldest has never had any interest in team sports and we haven't pushed it with him.

It sounds like your son already has other activities he enjoys, so run with the things that inspire him.

Team sports are great, but they're not critical to having a great life. I didn't play a single team sport growing up, was completely un-athletic, and still ended up happy.

It sounds like he will never be great at team sports. You can usually tell kids' sports ability pretty early. And usually no amount of practice will turn a bad or mediocre athlete into a star athlete.

Often, kids who aren't great at ball team sports are better at individual sports, like running, swimming, gymnastics, martial arts, etc.

However, he wants to keep playing, so that's all that matters.

One of mine (who just played for fun) was recruited to play competitively - and he's not the dedicated one. Another one who takes it much more seriously is not as naturally athletic. However he's been made captain of his team because he's such a natural leader. There's more to sports (sportsmanship, etc.) than just being a decent player. I know - we felt the same. We watched one kid play soccer for years and it's painful to even watch him run - he's so uncoordinated.

Our rule of thumb is they have to do their best. And it has to be up to them. We're willing to support the kids so long as they put in the effort. I did have one who liked to go because his friends were on a team and it was more social for him. I was ok for a while but then the cost and the time involved just didn't make sense and I pulled him. He ended up in cubs and it was a much better fit.

We also do camps instead of signing them up in something they are new at. Gives you both a chance to see if it will work and if they take to it. Some of mine started late. They did catch up - which surprised me. So it's entirely possible. Hard work and practice will do a lot.

I've never had a coach say our kids would get better - they generally don't comment on stuff like that (none of ours anyhow). Or parents. I personally don't think they can answer that for you.

I had two of my kids on one team (ages overlap) one year. We had both the top scorer and the least scorer. I sat by while parents cheered my top scorer child, and groaned when my other one missed the net. I could care less - they both had a blast and tried.

On a flip note, I have one going through the motions right now with piano. That's not enough interest for me - says they enjoy it, but I'm not seeing it. Too pricey for me - I suggested if really interested could help pay for lessons next year until I'm sure it's worth it. We'll see how interested they are when the time comes ...

I haven't read through the responses, so forgive me I repeat something that's already been said. My son was little like yours at that age, and for most of the time when he was growing up.

Someone gave me some good advice that you might want to consider, as well: help him find an INDIVIDUAL sport or two that he enjoys. My son's gross motor coordination and strength are lacking. It was discouraging to him when he did poorly compared to other team members. And frankly, he simply wasn't into it that much. His talents and interests are elsewhere. However, later, as a teen, he started jogging, bicycling, and lifting weights. These are solitary activities, although they can be done with others. Now, as a young adult, he's very physically fit and enjoys challenging himself to reach new fitness goals. These activities are much easier to do while being a working grad students than any team sport could be. So, maybe you can help your son explore some things like karate, swimming, or one of my son's sports, so that he can develop a fitness activity that can last his whole life.

In addition, help him explore other things that he might become talented in doing, if you aren't already, such as musical instruments, theater, art, robotics, etc. Not everyone is into team sports, and it may help during the cruel middle school years if he knows that he has other talents.

If he wants to stop and pursue other interests, I would allow it. But, if he doesn't want to stop, then I would insist he stop complaining about practice time. I know kids get grumpy to stop one activity to load up and go do something else, even when they really enjoy it, at times. You didn't really use the word complain, but "not eager to attend" makes it sound like you are putting the best face on the fact that you may have to "force" him to go to these events. Most kids drag their feet. Is it just foot dragging, or is he complaining and having to be threatened with consequences too? Because if it is the latter two, then you need to talk to him about this. He may not want to quit, and that's fine. But he does need to step up and do what is required to participate. That means practices, and being on time for his teammates for games, too. Man up, as they say. Or stop going. His choice.

And I will say that just b/c he may seem awkward and un-athletic right now, doesn't mean he always will be. It doesn't mean he will one day soon get into the groove and become an awesome athlete, either, though. Be prepared that it could be one of those things that just is what it is. He seems ok with that, so follow his lead there. He can still have fun, even if he isn't a star player on the teams. Or even a good player. One day it will matter to his teammates how good he is. But hopefully not for awhile yet. For now, he enjoys the camaraderie. Let him continue to do so.

Not all kids are cut out for playing sports or other physical activities when it becomes so competitive. My daughter gave up dance last year because she said it just wasn't fun anymore (she was put into a more competitive class). I was fine with that and let her know she can choose something else or not choose anything.

I would have your son finish this season and let him decide for the next one.

It sounds like you're embarrassed of him. Why would you "pull him" if he wants to continue and his coaches want him to stick with it?

Who cares if he is particularly good, he's only eight? Its good exercise, team work builds character and he finds it fun. Follow his lead.

"My husband and I have discussed this at length with each other, other parents and the coach." This quote is concerning.

My daughter's softball coach made a very good point about parenting a child in team sports. Don't talk about the negatives all the time and over analyze everything. Children are very aware of what we as parents are focused on. Your job is to support him in his interests not decide what those interests should be. He hears you continually discuss whether or not he's good enough. Is that the energy you want to send with him out into the world with?

i'm a little surprised that you've had unfriendly answers. your question seems reasonable to me.

sports were always something we allowed our kids to do based on their desire to 'em. we never pushed them (well, a LITTLE pushing to learn horseback riding, okay......) and if they didn't like it, we didn't force them to continue. there are millions of ways to instill perseverance, team spirit, cooperation and reliability to kids. i'm always taken aback when parents assume that a disinterested child MUST stick with a sport they're meh about or they'll never learn how to stick to something.

i don't know why you think you (and he) haven't given team sports a 'fair chance'. it sounds as if you've had him involved in them for several years now and he's still not loving it, or really even getting it. i absolutely agree with you that individual sports sound far more his bag. my kids loved team sports and were good at 'em, but the switch from low-key everyone-plays ball to competitive sports was an eye-opener. my older continued to find it more fun than not, but my younger didn't.

the only reason i can see to keep him in is that HE says he doesn't want to quit yet. i'm a little surprised at this since he doesn't sound invested, just from what you've posted here. might he be saying that because he's reading your unspoken worry that he *should* continue because of what 'everyone' is saying?

i'd suggest that you drop the discussion altogether for a few weeks, at least if that's an option time-wise. then bring it up very casually and lightly. 'hey sweetie, time to think about what sorts of outdoor fun things you'd like to be involved in over the winter. are you interested in staying with basketball even though the pressure will be on more? or are you thinking you might rather give snowboarding a shot? give 'er a think and let's talk about it more tomorrow.'
and let him mull it over without too much input from you.
khairete
S.

I think your gut is accurate. Maybe not on "no team sports ever" at age 8, because he could end up getting good at something later. Just by virtue of scheduling and finances as a single mom of 3, my 7 year old son hasn't done ANY team sports yet. I got him into a soccer class at the Y that just ended and he'll try that on a team for the first time in spring. Any other sports? Who knows. He plays piano and was good at TKD when we could afford it a few years back. He might try wresting soon at school. I might get him into basketball...it's so hard to do all the things though. I figure he has time to develop a true interest and get good at something.

One of the reasons I pulled the kids from TKD even though it was so great and I hated to: I was talking to one of the major multi-degree black belts, and he said, "You know, kids don't need a black belt by age 10. I didn't start practicing until I was seventeen and it was my passion and no one else's and I was mature and ready to give it my all." He was winning major competitions soon after. It's OK that your sin isn't an all-star yet at team sports, and as you know, it's ok if he never is.

I'm glad you're OK with whatever he does, and I'm glad he still likes playing. He does not sound like a natural basketball player, and that's OK. Team sports aren't super important for everyone. They're great for people they're great for, but that's not everyone. He'll have plenty of other enriching ways to spend his time going forward.

And yes, I did have this happen with one child. All of mine play piano: but not this child. She is NOT cut out for it. I pulled her after 2 long years. And that's OK! Not everyone can do everything :) She's trying ballet now.

I'm a little confused. There are two opposing things here. There is this "he is not eager to attend practices or games" and "He says he doesn't want to quit even though he is aware he's not at the level of the other players."

Either he wants to play (meaning he wants to go to practices and games), or he doesn't want to play.

I'm all for letting him continue to play if he's enjoying it. But if he doesn't want to go to practices or games, then it sounds like he doesn't really enjoy it. I think you need to figure out what he enjoys about it, because it's really unclear, and also discuss with him a bit more the obligations of being on a team (eg, including practicing and doing your best), and then find out if he really wants to keep playing.

ETA: After your SWH - so, what you are saying, in answer to my question, is that he's not really having fun playing, but he doesn't actively dislike it either, and so he doesn't want to quit mid-season. If this is the case, then go with his gut feeling and let him finish the season. Then, at the end of the season, you ask him - was this fun enough that you want to do it again during the next signup period? And let him decide.

He's 8. I think it's great that you have him trying different sports. My kids were like your son. They enjoyed it, but weren't "stars." They tried all sorts of sports until they decided they were done. My oldest was in gymnastics and basketball. Then we put her into Tae Kwon Do and she did really well. She was awkward and that really helped her to get comfortable in her own body. The best thing she got out of those years was her self confidence. My middle did gymnastics, dance and soccer, but she decided plays and singing were her thing. I was never so surprised when she went out for cheer last year. She did it one year to try it and now she's back to singing and plays. My youngest is a competitive dancer on a team. She started in gymnastics, soccer and dance. Dancing turns out to be her love.

I guess my point is there are plenty of activities that aren't traditional sports. Martial Arts, Hip Hop dance (there are a lot of boys in my daughter's company), gymnastics, golf etc are great exercise for kids and teach them other skills that they will keep with them for the rest of their lives.

Keep introducing activities and don't pressure your son to continue them after the season is over. And also let him know that it's okay to not do sports but you expect him to be active.

I would simply not sign him up any more. He's learning things he doesn't need to learn. Like his teammates don't like him or have respect for him.

I think you could find other venues for him in his areas of true interest. What about robotics? Rock climbing? Science club? Acting? Chess? Music? Anything he's interested in. Maybe Gymnastics or Tumbling? (The lesson kind only, not competitive).

It doesn't sound to me like your son is cut out for traditional team sports. He may thrive more in a setting where his individual talents are all that matter, such as martial arts. He may like a 1-1 sport like tennis. He might like something like a swim team, where he is on a team, but his results/skills don't have a big impact on the team as a whole (my son's swim league gives ribbons for placing top 6, but are more focused on improving your own times).

Or, maybe no sport will be good for him. Maybe he would do better in art classes, music lessons, theater, computer programming, foreign languages, or anything else in science, technology or the arts. As long as you make sure he gets some sort of physical activity, he doesn't need to play a sport.

Our school had a running club last year. There was absolutely no competition, but the kids trained together to run in a one mile kids fun run as part of the county marathon (they even got medals at the end). If there are kids running events near you, maybe you could start something like this. It is done in numerous schools throughout our district, and probably the county.

I wouldn't pull him from a team mid-season, but I wouldn't sign him up again either. Sports are certainly not for everyone and that's ok.

If he doesn't want to quit, then stop talking about it. It sounds like he has already picked his sports; karate, gold, dirt biking.... just stick to those from now on.