Marriage Question...

Short but useful reading: "For Women Only" ... it is written by a Christian wife of a minister, but actually doesn't spend a lot of time on the Christian stuff and is a quick summary of a lot of the more honest secular work I've seen about how men really work ... meaning, their biology drives them to do something. From this source and from some others with specifically deeply secular bases, the drive to 'provide' is _really_ funadmental, it's not about him being socially traditional.

You don't say how young you are, but the younger he is, the more likely there will be no rationality about this issue for him.

My guess is, the only way they can learn rationality is if they feel 'safe' to sit down and figure it out.

And apparently they _don't_ feel 'safe'--they actually want to feel 'secure', which is a little different--unless 'their woman' is giving herself to them. I don't know about eveyone else, but lots of the women I know, 'giving myself' to him was instinctively predicated upon my feeling safe ... and of course if he wasn't feeling secure he didn't help me feel safe ... so I didn't help him feel secure ... so ...

I eventually figured out to just trust and leap ... but I figured it out too late; he had given up on the relationship.

Dunno if that relates to your situation (might be just me/just us), but I thought I'd offer it in case it's the cycle you're in.

Hi K.,

First off, let me say how much I admire your ability to see the very necessary contributions your husband is making at this time. Even if they are not financial, they are extremely valuable to all of you.

As a nanny, and as a friend, I have witnessed several families go through hard transition times such as the one you are describing. Let me put your mind at ease by saying that a husband being out of work is a stress on the very best of relationships. Men often find their identity and self-worth in being "the breadwinner". Conversely, in our culture, many people often associate a husband who is between jobs as being less masculine or even dependent. Perhaps your husband is feeling this. I know that the tension between the couples that I was privy to was palpable at times. So please, know that what you and your husband are experiencing is very "normal".

That said, what I have heard in retrospect from most of these women was that things were worsened when they tried to help their husbands look for work. I know it seems perverse, but I am guessing that for the guys, it must feel like "She doesn't even think I'm capable of getting a job by myself." We women see it as helping (we are wired that way, to network and solve our problems socially-- men aren't), but men often don't appreciate it at all, and may even feel like we consider them to be less capable. And, in truth, when we enter the bedroom as a couple, we both want to come together as equals. "Helping" our husbands when they don't specifically ask for our help can really put a huge damper on our intimate lives with them.

Here's one more thing to add: your husband may also be experiencing some feelings of conflict similar to what many women experience. When we have a chance to stay at home with our children, many of us will feel compelled to look for work (for so many very worthwhile reasons--to contribute financially, to cultivate a life outside the home, for the love of the work that we do), but feel very torn. We relish those moments of just being present with our children and all of the little discoveries that happen within them, and at the same time, we know that this may not be all that we need to be fulfilled. It can be incredibly emotional transition for any parent, and I think it's important to acknowledge that some men feel this just as keenly, but aren't really encouraged to discuss it. Add that to all those other feelings and there's a lot to not talk about if you are a traditional sort of guy.:)

I loved your letter. If it were me, I would rewrite it for him, focusing solely on what a great parent and partner he has been while he's been at home. Let him know how much you appreciate his help and his being there. Let him know how much you respect how hard he's working for all of you. Let him know that you will respect his course of job-hunting and will let him lead; that you'll be happy to help if he asks you to directly, but that he probably would be happier taking this on on his own. Let him know that you miss the intimacy, that you don't place blame, and how much he means to you, just for the person he is.

You have an incredible love for your husband, and if you give him some time and your patience, you will get through this. It takes a while to shake out, from what I've seen, but things will get "back to normal".

My best to you.

One of the best resources for protecting your marriage is a book called His Need Her Needs by Harley. It will help you see the difference in men's desires and women's such as: the need to feel needed, the need to provide and the need for sexual activity and how those basics needs are so important to men. With that information, you will be equipped to give your husband what he needs right now to continue emotional intimacy and know your boundaries when it comes to his work.

Aside from that, I know the market is bad right now, but can you downsize on anything...car, house, groceries, etc. This is a great opportunity to see where you can cut expenses so when he does go back to work, you can start saving money and tuck it away for kids college or to supplement your income should you want to go part time or quit altogether.

In the meantime, while he is looking for work, he could also find a part time job that adds to your income but allows him time to look...like a morning shift as a barista at Starbucks. They actually have decent benefits for part time workers I believe. Or if he is into biking or running, working at a specialty store that may also open new avenues for him. Of course you don't want to tell him this in a "while your waiting make money" kind of way. Maybe encourage him to do something he would enjoy while he looks and get the benefit of a little additional income.

This test so early in your marriage is good training for unconditional love that weathers the test of time and circumstances. Glean as much as you can from this experience and use it to your advantage. Learn how to love rightly now and you'll have tools to last you a lifetime.

It's not old-fashioned for your hubby to want to provide for his family. It's how men are made. They long to be the warrior who rescues the maiden and carries her off to a castle where she can be queen and he can be king and blow his bugles when he comes back from a successful hunt :) Men's identity is VERY MUCH wrapped up in their ability to provide for their families. Your husband's sense of fulfillment is undermined by his lack of a job. He certainly appreciates you taking up the slack, but it pains him that you have to. He wants to be THE MAN. He is discouraged because he feels like isn't doing that right now. Make up for his lack of manly feelings in the job department by reassuring him of his manliness in other departments: bedroom, etc. Set aside your own feelings of inadequacy and meet him where he's at. Praise him for what he is doing. Thank him repeatedly for being the man you love and chose to spend your life with. And make him forget his fears and worries in the bedroom. Men can't think straight when they're not getting sex. Again, it's nothing to hold agains them: it's just how they're physiologically put together. As soon as he gets a job, try to find a way to stay at home, even if it means cutting your life-style back. It will improve your marriage.

Hi K.,

I'm sure that your intentions are the best, but it sounds to me like you need to back off a bit on your "help". It is really tough on the male ego not to be able to support your family and worse to have your wife think that you are not able to handle finding a job. All of your "help" sounds belittling or condescending (from a male perspective- I got my husband's advice on this!). I say don't bring it up, help, or anything. If you feel a need to talk about it, talk to your female friends, not him. He will eventually come to you when he is ready to share. I would also make sure he knows how much you appreciate what he is doing at home for your family.

This is a difficult situation. I wonder does he want to go back to work or is he happy as a SAHD? Is he embarrassed to be a SAHD? Even if you feel he is closing you out keep talking to him, even if it leads to an argument because something needs to come out before things can get better.
It must be hard for you not to want to be involved in helping him get another job. Does he want your help or resent it? Is he embarrassed that he's having trouble getting work or really not wanting to look. You need to bring out his feelings and let yours be known where ever they lead because from what you are saying there are frustrations, feelings, and thoughts not being expressed. It's not serving you or your husband well to hold in what you feel. You are counting on him finding a job and then everything will be magically better and it seems to me there still might be resentment anyway.

Hi K.. I am so sorry to hear about your husband's job situation. I have been trying for the past few years to really learn about what makes my husband tick and what I can do to be an encouragement to him. I have read (and listened to on CD) some great books. One of the things that is constantly talked about is the fact that men have a HUGE need to provide. If a man is unable to provide for his family it is devastating to who he is at his core. It makes sense how your husband is acting through all the changes and job searching. I don't know what your spiritual views are, but I have found excellent wisdom and guidance in 2 books (both based on the Bible). One is called "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn (sp?) and the other is called "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerich (sp?). My husband and I both recently listened to "love and Respect" on CD and it has totally transformed our marriage. We had a "good" marriage before, but now I feel like we are really on the same team. We have been married for almost 12 years and we have 2.5 year-old twins. Life is crazy. My husband is in grad school and I work full-time. He takes care of our boys during the week so we constantly talk about this issue of "providing." I remind him all the time that he IS providing hugely for our family by caring for our children. Hang in there. You guys will get through this and I bet things will change a lot when he has a new job. He probably doesn't want your help with his job search because it only makes him feel more inadequate. Maybe ask him what would be most helpful to him as he is going through this process. Give him opportunities to lead your family in other ways besides financially . Just some thoughts. Blessings to you and your little one.

Wow. Sounds like he has a classic case of male depression following a job loss, especially with the pressure of house payments. No surprises there. But since it is long term, and is definitely affecting your marriage and family life, he needs to take steps to deal with it--not just looking for work but actively realizing he is in a funk and finding ways to move forward.

The SAHMs on this list know how isolating and even depressing it can be to stay home. I've been involuntarily out of work and it's no good stewing at home; you really lose emotional momentum.

It's too soon for marriage counseling, but maybe a men's group would be good. I suggest the book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" which is on male depression. He needs to find a peer group of SAHDs, laid-off workers, or guys dealing with the blues so that he is less isolated. He will probably resist that suggestion, but the sooner he gets support the sooner he'll feel like he's dealing with it.

I'm so sorry and I can totally understand what you are going through. My husband was injured at work and was off work for just about 2 years. Long story short.........life was so stressful.
We went through the same as you in your marraige. I think men handle stress differently. Can I ask if your a Christ follower or believer? During this time for us, I was in a bible study at my church. We were reading the book, 'Power of a praying wife'. It's a wonderful book that helped us so much!

I really believe that everything will be better for you and your husband, just be patient. :) Don't take his shutting down as personal. (I know thats hard) Give him space to work this out and don't push him.......
I'll keep you in my prayers.
You can email me anytime, ____@____.com
D.
SAHM of 3
Married for 13 yrs

K.,

I feel for ya my dear :) I think from your description your husband my be feeling like he is not "upholding" the traditional husband role of provider, head of house etc... In turn shutting down because he may feel like he is letting you down in some way, or he may feel embarrassed by the whole thing. If you have a pretty open relationship I think you should just be honest about your feelings and let him know that this does not change the way you view him or your relationship. Make sure to reassure him that you still love him very much. Everything else you've done seems pretty right on, but you should just ask him point blank what he's feeling, try not to catch him off guard or he may become defensive.. Good Luck !!!