Looking for Advice with My Oldest Son Who Is 15 and Very Muniplitive

Hi D.,
I am a person who has been married 3 times. I have 4 children. 2 from the first and 2 from the second. I basically let the older 2 who are now 25 & 24 move down to Florida with their Dad when they were in their teens. We saw each other every summer for a while but eventually they were so angry just like your son and now I am fighting to get back a relationship with them. I have a grandaughter I have never seen. I want to tell you that if I had it to do over again I would make myself a pest in their lives. Your sons may not respond at first and you will have to endure some pain, maybe lots of it. But you can't give up, because they will eventually get the message, which is not that you are a pain in the butt but that you love them no matter what. Show them that you are not going anywhere or you will live to regret it. Hang in there! I sure wish I had.
T.

Definitely go back to court or to domestic relations and get your weekends, holidays, etc. set in stone. There can't be any argument, its a court order, plain and simple.

Your son is just being a selfish 15 yo teenager, he will come around in time, trust me!

I went through this with my ex husband, my daughter is much younger. But if your husband is not sticking with the court orders then, tell him that the next time he does something outside of what they agreed to in writing that you will call the police and have a motion filed with the court on contempt. This will also mean you will have to follow it by the "T", I have done this now for a year, and to be honest it has been easier on me cause I know the schedule.

As for the 15 year old, well I think he is just being teenager, thinking that the grass was going to be greener at dads. And if he is letting him do whatever he wants that is what a teenager wants. But they need someone to actually tell them no, and make them get mad cause they are not getting there way, and they are doing their homework and all that stuff they hate to do. They may not like the parents much for doing that, but in 5 years time, they will turn around and remember all that you did for them... and well as we all know cause we were all teenagers at one point, we appreciate our parents more in our 20's than in our teens. Not sure if this was helpful or not.. I hope so.

Hey D.... I'm K. from West Haven, and I'm sort of in the same boat as you on this one. I have two teenage boys who chose to live with Dad, 1/2 hour away, because of course he's more fun and has no rules so it's a fee-for-all over there, over which I have little say or control. It's horrible trying to be involved in their lives, trying to help, when they're at THIS age. My boys are just now 18 and 17, and things are getting better ONLY NOW. But the last 3 or 4 years were hell for me. It's that age, plain and simple. YOu can't change your ex, he's going to continue to not encourage your relationship (can't tach an old dog new tricks, as they say) all you CAN do is be available to spend time with them as much as you can, and always call them and show an interest in their lives and well being. As they mature, they'll see you for who you are and for the mother you are to them, while they'll little by little see the father for who he is as well. And they WILL see this, believe me. But not at 15 years old. At 15 they're too into themselves to see the big picture. On the flip side, though it gets their attention, try not to spoil them when you do have them any more than you would if they lived with you. This isn't a contest (though it seems at times it is!) that you have to shell out money to win. My ex is now remarried and tries to get them on holidays, when we used to all holiday together even though we were divorced. Suddenly I get half-holidays, etc. And it stinks. But lately? The boys have told Dad they want to spend holidays with me, get back into our traditions, see their baby sister, etc. I fought to get custody back and lost SOLELY because the boys, at that age, SAID they wanted to stay with Dad and would "not listen to mom if she makes us live with her". Though boys lawyer agreed I'm the more fit parent, he let them stay there since they threatened this: so he gave them their way basically (how mad was I???). It will take time, but they will come around, and things will definitely get better. Like I said, just ALWAYS call him, ask him about his day, about school, offer encouragement and support, and wait it out, that's the best thing you can do. I don't know everything of course I only know what I've lived through.... you can't get a 15 year old to budge when he's at that "into himself" stage, no matter what you do, so don't beat yourself up over it! I hope that helped some? :) Good luck!

Wow. You have your hands full. I WAS the manipulative child in the family and my parents were divorced. My younger brother and I used to play my parents against each other and see what we could get away with.
What I have learned from my experience and now raising my own children is that they NEED boundries. They cant always have what they want and its not a game to see which parent loves them more.
If your son says he hates you to your face, just remind him how much you still love him and miss him. At this age they think they know it all (I know I did!) and they believe that they are ready to make their own decisions.

There is another lady in my church who has a 20year old moocher. He drinks and drives and doesnt work. She hates it, but her husband (they are still married) allows this to happen. They are having alot of difficulty with this also.

I just know that when I was the child trying to break free, my parents cracked down on me. Sure, I hated it, but now I am glad they did it or I would have ended up like some of my friends.
As for legal advice, I am unable to offer any. Just keep reminding your son how much you love and miss him.

Dear D.,

I am so sorry for how upset your son is making you. Kids certainly can test our strength, patience, and our hearts. One thing my mom taught me is that as parents we must give "tough love" sometimes. We have to choose what is right to teach a lesson, not what is easy on us or our children. I have a 16 yr old, 9 yr old, 4 yr old, and 3.
Teenagers can be extremely selfish and they only see the world through their own eyes. The next time your son asks for help to obtain something special, I would say no. And when he asks why, I would answer him honestlly and tell him that he has been unappreciative in the past and until he learns to think of others before himself, I will not help him. It seems as though your ex is "feeding the fire" so to speak. He seems to be trying to make up for lost time by giving your son everything he asks for. Your son sees that he gets his way with Dad, so there must be something wrong with you. He is choosing to be with the person that does not say "no" to him. You may not be able to change that right now, but when your son is older, hopefully he will understand that you came from a place of love when you said no, and he will respect you for that. Can you talk to your ex about all of this? Tell him how you are feeling and your concern for your son? Giving our teenagers everything they want is dangerous. They are not learning that the 'real world" does not work that way and when they are in the work force they are going to have a real tough time listening to a boss. He is trying to manipulate you into giving him what he wants, hold strong and teach the lesson.
Good luck, you are not alone. I just had to take my 16 yr olds brand new car away from her until she turns 17 because of her irresponsibility. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but it is my job to keep her safe and teach her consequences. Now I am back to carpooling everywhere, but I know she is learning a valuable lesson despite the pressure it puts on all of us.
Take Care and Stay STRONG!!!!
You NEED to find some time for yourself....make the time. It is hard to be selfish sometimes, but if you lose yourself completly by giving, giving, giving, you are going to be no good to anyone. Especially yourself. We love our children, but they need to know that we are women first, friends, wives, sisters, etc..... and all of those are important roles. Take Care......The light at the end of the tunne is closer than you think.
~A.

Of course we all know that the problem is his dad. Fighting through the teenage years is hell. I suggest keeping a journal of everything you have done, would like to do, and feelings for your kids. Make it something that some day they can read and see how you felt and how their actions really hurt you. I did this for my son. It really got to him when he realized his dad wasn't a real father for him. No boundaries were ever inforced. He had 3 months to re-read my journal after the police picked him up for multiple small stupid crimes and locked-him up.
I hope it never happens to your kids.
Good Luck!!

Hi D.
I feel for you! I have been divorced for over 2 yrs now and my kids are with me and he could care less now. But I came to the decision that they will not threaten me with their father (which they havent). If he wants to be there with his father you have to let him at this age. Making he come back is only going to make him very angry at you. I know it hurts like hell and it sucks but he has to learn what life is really like now. Someday he will see but whether he choses to come around is another story. Just keep in touch with him and let him know you love him. Dont bug him about not being in school, take that one up with the courts/dhs, dont baby him either when he calls for things. Call him a few times a week and ask how things are and tell him you love him and keep it short. Sent over the holiday gifts even if he wont come see you. Maybe it would help you if you kept a journal to him. It would help you to get your feelings out and someday if he needs to see where you were coming from, you will have it right there. Be honest and never stop loving your son! It is not easy and will be hard but you will keep an eye and continue to care for his wellbeing but you cant force him to come back with you. At 15, the world is a playground and rules suck and so does school and hell dad is cool...that is only temperary! Good luck!
P.

WOW! I am a confrontational person so I would make their father keep to the court order. Especially since you feel that your son hates you.

Do you think that he is changing the schedule and then blaming it on you? What do you think he is doing that makes your son hate you so much?

Don't let this go on, no matter what you have to do. Those are your children as well and he should not be keeping them from you. That just isn't right.

Best wishes in this difficult situation and if you ever need to vent, feel free to send me a message.

S.

D.,
I think you are taking the proper steps to help your son. I worked with children such as your son up until the birth of my daughter 2 weeks ago. When counseling parents such as yourself, I recommended the need for consistency so as to stop the manipulation and problems from escalating. Being as your son lives with your ex- who no offense, seems like he could really care less about your son's wellbeing unless it directly effects him-I honestly think you are doing what you can. The first step is explaining to the judge the change in behavior- what might be helpful is if the problems are elsewhere, get it documented so as to help your case. This doesn't mean that once you get your son home, and if you get home, that the problems will stop. They might just escalate. But if they do escalate, just be consistent and always keep his best interest in mind.
Hope that was of some help.
E. C.

Education is the key. You need to educate yourself and present yourself as someone who understands the process, not someone who is a victim of the process. You have to be smarter than the average teenager, which is not all that difficult. Remember, their brains are still forming until they are 25 years old, so what they are at 15 is not what they will be at 25. In an utter sense, 15 year old boys are little more than hormones with legs. Remember he is gaining identity of himself and women and the world around him and how he fits into that. You do not have to do anything special, just do not screw him up and if his basic upbringing is good, that will shine. You cannot beat yourself up if he misbehaves. Follow the course of sound parenting, rules, discipline, reward, file your appropriate court motions, and let the chips fall. He will grow up one way or another, show him the right way. Taking him to a church of Christ service would not hurt either. I know you will be a success, Winwith2daugh