My four year old son has been in his preschool since August. He initially loved it, but lately he never wants to go. Even on days he's not scheduled to attend he tells me he doesn't like it anymore. It takes a lot of coaxing and reassurance to get him dressed, out the door, etc. I have had issues with the school as well: a few months ago they told me they thought my son had a sensory issue, and had an occupational therapist observe him. I had asked to be informed when she was going to visit the school but they didn't tell me. Then she called me, and after observing him for a while had all of these conclusions about different things that he needed to work through. To be honest, I think he's just a BOY. He likes to run and jump, and when he has to hold still at school he fidgets. I'm going to keep an eye on things and reevaluate in a year to make sure he will be ready for kindergarten, and I talked to a different OT and I also read some books on sensory disorders. I don't see these traits in my son. The point is, I think the communication has been horrible and I felt they overstepped their bounds by giving this woman the green light but not keeping me in the loop. I was just getting over that incident, and then this past week my son was kicked and bitten by another child in his class. They told me, but no one followed up or told me what was going to happen to the other child. Isn't 3 1/2 to 4 years old rather old to be biting? I don't understand why the teachers weren't watching. I am beyond irritated with the school. I am honestly debating just starting our summer break two months early. I don't think he would care and wouldn't likely even know that we were leaving early. Is that crazy? We're not going back next year. Any advice would be appreciated.
Wow! I didn't expect so many responses so quickly. Thank you everyone (and I hope to read more). I had to rush earlier to put my son to bed, so i didn't get a chance to proofread my earlier response. I think you're right about the biting being the final straw. I know those things do happen, but it did feel like they were a little casual about it. I think if a child that age is biting, I would like to know not necessarily who it is, but that it's not going to happen again and if it's a continued problem that the child will be asked to leave.
I wasn't upset that he was observed (I actually said that would be ok) but I was upset that they didn't tell me the day it happened. I would have been on the outside (they have a window) while the OT was in the room, so my son wouldn't have seen me. The OT then called and expected me to fork over $500 for a full evaluation, meanwhile I didn't even know what she had seen or what she was talking about. I did follow up with a different OT and spoke to our pediatrician, both of whom thought he was fine and on-target for his age group. He is able to sit still, and when I met with his teachers later to discuss this, they said he hasn't had any behavior problems and isn't disruptive. I guess it was the "early interventionist" at the school who arranged for the OT to come to the class. He was walking on his tiptoes from time-to-time and fidgeting (which my husband does CONSTANTLY) so I guess those were the red flags. Also, the running and jumping on the playground led them to believe he was a "sensory seeker". That is what I meant by being a boy -- aren't most kids (esp boys) sensory seekers to a degree? I understand wanting to intervene early, but I also hate the fact that labels are slapped on children so early. And boys do develop later/differently than girls in some areas: that is a fact supported by almost every recent study in childhood development. I'm more of a wait-and-see person.
More than anything, I want him to love learning and have positive attitudes about school, and he doesn't seem to like it. I can't tell if he's truly unhappy or if he'd just rather be home with me. I don't want my own irritation to make the decision here.
I feel badly that I didn't research the school more. It was where a friend was going and we were in the process of relocating from Chicago when we chose it last year. I am no closer to making a decision. My husband thinks we should stick it out, but he's not the one who has to get our son there and pick him up every day. I don't like it either, but I feel like I have to be really positive because if he senses my distaste he'll just hate it more. Agh!
I would let him start his summer break early. He could be just saying he doesn't want to go anymore for attn but the things you have noticed are enough to take him out early. If you are not happy, then you should try and find another preschool over the summer that he can start going to this next Fall. I do recommend that he attends another preschool or preK program through an elementary school next year to get him prepared for K.
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It sounds to me like you've already made up your mind, so I don't know that anything I'm going to say is going to make any difference. However you did ask for advice so...
1. I don't get the "boy thing". I have heard it before and seen it in action. I think kids should be able to sit still and follow some simple instructions. I realize that some kids (boys and girls) are higher energy kids and fidget. However if the preschool teachers are suggesting that your son's behavior, I think you should sit back and let them decide what THEY think after the therapist does her thing.
2. I don't understand why you're upset that they had someone evaluate your son? I respect that you asked to be informed, and would be a little annoyed too. However from your post it sounds like you're upset she observed him and made her opinions without your input. I think that's how "observations" are done. They don't want the kids coached, coaxed or otherwise acting different. So if they informed you in advance, maybe they thought it would taint the the observation?
3. It sounds like they've come to some conclusions you clearly disagree with. So why not talk with your pediatrician about their "findings" and see if you can get referred to a third party that can perform their own assessment of your son?
4. On the subject of the kicking and biting. I think it happens. (Doesn't your son fall and get hurt occasionally on your watch?) I think they did their job informing you it happened and don't expect them to elaborate on what's happening with the other child. I think you can ask the teachers/director of how these situations are normally handled, but don't expect them to discuss this child who bit your son as I think they view that as private. Just as I wouldn't expect them to talk about your son's perceived sensory issues with any other parents.
Overall, I think it's perfectly natural to feel defensive of your child. Especially if you feel that these teachers are off base. That said, I think that you should take their assessment seriously and follow up on your own. Sensory issues are not something to be taken lightly. If your son does need therapy it's best to get it for him now...the sooner the better.
If you really don't like the teachers or program your son is in, by all means start summer vacation early. Just realize they may expect you to pay for part of the program since they aren't going to be able to fill your son's spot for the rest of the year. This is pretty normal.
If you're starting him in another preschool next year, then I would be up front with the director of that program before your son starts. Maybe they can give you some tips or advice on how to help your son be successful in school...practice sitting still, following instructions the first time, writing his letters and numbers, etc. Of course a four year old isn't expected to do this all WELL right now, but practicing with him now will help make sure that going back to school in the fall isn't such a big culture shock to having Moms undivided attention.
Best wishes to you mama. I know it's difficult watching your child adjust and have things happen when you're not around. I hope your happier with the next preschool.
I completely understand your frustration, and if you are not satisfied you should not continue with this school. Communication is key for parents with teachers, and directors at all times, and especially if there are areas of concern. I am a director and owner of a preschool, and first I would never begin to try to diagnose a child so that in itself bothers me. I will speak to a parent if I see reasons for concern, but that is rare, because most times children just need to settle in and learn to follow the rules, and sit, and listen, etc. Isn't that why they are in preschool???? If your son does not want to go to school that is also a sign that something is not right for him as well. However, as an educator I do not think I would wait until Kindergarten to have him evaluated on your own. If there is something early intervention is key and can help him, and help you to help him work through this issues before he enters school. I wouldn't want to see his school year interrupted when it really counts. I understand you reluctance, and it is very possible that there is no reason for concern, however evaluating him now will put your mind at ease, so why wait. I would talk to your pediatrician about your concerns as well. Good luck!!
Don't read too much into the biting incident. If you want to know what happened to the biter, then ask. Please recognize that that child and his/her parents have a right to privacy as well, so they may not be free to devulge too much information.
Is 3 1/2 to 4 years too old to be biting? Not really. Kids hit and kick and pinch at that age. They don't necessarily make a distinction. And it doesn't mean the teachers aren't watching. Things like that happen in an instant.
It seems as though your other concerns are valid, so this might have been the straw that broke the camel's back. But I wouldn't make a big deal about it.
I don't know exactly what's happening with your son's experience of school, but I can tell you that my little guy is almost four and has been stating that he doesn't want to go to preschool. His teachers are great and have told me that they are working with our little guy to help him play in groups, which is not an activity typically in his comfort zone. (He's a solitary, parallel-play kinda kid.) I just wanted to suggest that your son might be getting a little stretched in his ability.
Referrals for OT or PT are difficult calls for both teachers and parents. It's never a conversation I look forward to as a preschool teacher, and I understand that I AM talking to someone about their beloved chid and suggesting something may be wrong. I myself take this responsibility very seriously. Early interventionists also don't *know* your son on a daily basis, but I would have to agree that wiggly kids are pretty typical at this age.(More than once I've had to cut our Gathering circle time short because the kids were so antsy.)
Regarding biting: I've worked at daycares and even with my own small preschool, if a child was intent on biting, it would happen, it only takes a second. Biting in a toddler group is one thing and regrettably typical. Biting at this older age is less typical and warrants more serious attention. From my professional perspective, it isn't likely that you will hear what the disciplinary follow-up will be for the biting child, and that's due to parent/teacher confidentiality rules. My guess is that there has been a phone call and meeting scheduled about this with the family, and possibly a warning of expulsion.
If it were me, I'd go with whatever your gut instincts are. I hope you find a suitable resolution to this.
H.
I like Dawn B's suggestion about an OT you choose with specialties in sensory issues. From what you've described, it doesn't sound like anything beyond the norm, but an honest evaluation will let you know for sure. And yes, 4 year olds are far too old to bite! Not that it doesn't happen, but they should know better long before then.
We took our oldest to a child psychologist when he was almost 4, and she told us they don't really like to do evaluations before 5 at the earliest unless there are some BIG red flag issues because it is so early and they are so young to start trying to slap labels on them. Someone of ypur choosing who gets the facts from you will probably make ypu feel better than what this school is offering, if indeed there are truly some red flags.
1.)I think it's normal for kids to go through periods of not want to go to school. How many kids do you know that love going to school?
2.) I think getting him evaluated was overstepping their boundaries. That really strikes me as not being their place to do. It is their place to report troublesome behavior to you and perhaps suggest that your child would benefit from an evaluation.
3.) Yes, hitting, kicking, and biting happens at this age - very normal - happens all the time. It is standard procedure to not divulge who did it and what happened to the other kid. There are a lot of parents who would get overemotional about the situation and do something rash - like start a fight with the other kid's parents.
You can certainly be frustrated that they did not follow thru on a commitment -- That they would inform you about the planned day for observation.
You can be worried about the kicking and biting and request a response and solution. I would like to think biting and kicking are not happening but a super-kindergartner (one held back an extra year and therefore just shy of 7 yrs old) bit my son.
But you should also follow thru on the professionals' concerns. You do not have to do it thru the pre-school. But do take their observations to your pediatrician and get a referral.
If you don't have to worry about alternative childcare, I would say definitely pull him out and start your summer break. I used to work at a daycare/preschool, and I hated working there because it was not run very well at all. Obviously it depends on the particular school, but the one I worked at was so badly run that every day I kept thinking "There is no way I would ever send my kids here." The teachers never got any support; they were overworked, under-trained, and underpaid; and many of them were so burned out that they just didn't care about doing a good job with the kids--they were just concerned with getting through the day. We never got the supplies we needed, we never had time to do our lesson plans, and a lot of times we had more kids than we were supposed to have in the classroom because there were not enough teachers to watch them all (yet the director kept enrolling more kids). This is what happens when the bottom line is more important than the well-being of the children.
Sorry, I went on a tangent there; I was a little traumatized by that work experience :-). Anyway, even if this isn't the case for your preschool, I would say that not calling you when the occupational therapist was there was very wrong and shows that they don't care about your right as a parent to be involved in all aspects of your son's experience at the school. Finally, if he isn't happy, then what's the point of bringing him? It is normal to have the occasional day when he doesn't feel like going, but if it is an ongoing issue for him, he is probably having many negative experiences there. In this case, he would be much happier at home with his family or another caregiver that you trust. Good luck!
its not like hes in school, i would pull my child out in this situation since you wont be punished for it
I have raised six boys and I can tell you that running and jumping is completely normal at almost any age--though my 28 year old has slowed down a bit. I raised my kids back in the '80s before they had all the labeling of different behaviors, and I'm glad I did. It sounds to me like he's behaving himself in class and simply letting out his energy on the playground. Isn't that what kids are supposed to do?
The kicking and biting does disturb me. The teacher should have better control of the class and you did have the right to be notified that steps had been taken about this issue. Maybe you could talk with the teacher about it and see what suggestions she has. I don't agree with your husband's suggestion to "stick it out." Your son is only four years old. Why make him suffer needlessly?
