Jobless Boyfriend with No Drive

N., most of the women are saying the samething.. but it is up to you to decide... No matter how much you tell a person something, in the end They Will Do What They Want!!! (And that goes for you also)... I wish you the best of luck.. and to leave you my favorite verse.. " If a man doesn't work, a man doesn't eat." I believe that whole heartedly...But if you decide to stay with him, make good use of him and stop, I repeat STOP Paying for daycare.. he can be a Mr Mom.. and tell him the rules.. housekeeping, dinner, etc.. Also no fancy things.. ex no 100 dollar shoes, clothes, etc.. a housewife/ or hubby has it hard.. and he will soon be running to get a job or leave...

Why should he drive - wnen you are all to willing to drive
for him.And may I ask - Why do you need him? From what I understand you are paying for child care- when Mr. NoJob
is at home. OOOPPPPSSS. i think you have only one problem
and under it all you know what needs to be done. Maybe I'm
old fashion but any honest job that helps put food on the
table is what a real man should be expected to do & be doing. Period end of thoughts.

Sandi

N.,
As a mother of children myself who has also paid the bills and other expenses while my other half did not do anything, it is extremely frustrating. You cannot change him or make him have the drive to get a job. I have two suggestions, back off for awhile about him getting a job and see if he will grow up and take responsibility for his child he chose to bring into the world or kick him out. You pay for it all anyway. I'm not saying stop seeing him just don't let him take advantage of you. He needs to grow up and tough love is just that,tough. If you continue to let him be lazy and unproductive he will be. I have been there and I had to say enough and he eventually came around. It took alot of time and prayer before he took responsibility. It is worth it because of your child together. She is the main concern, but do you want her to grow up and pick a man who won't work? Children learn what they live. Get some good boundries with him. Good luck.

Unless he's Mr. Mom, let him go.

I am glad for you that you are willing to face up to your problems and not hide away, hoping it will go away.
You are not responsible for your boy friend. If he is not responsible for himself, how can he be responsible for his family? Basically, even if he is not your boyfriend, he should not live such an unhealthy lifestyle.

1. Ask him to go for counseling - he need to have a proper perspective of what it means to be a man or an effective adult.
Call Counseling Institute of Texas. ###-###-####

2. Give him a definite time frame to get a job.

3. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter to have a relationship with a man like your boyfriend? Have a broader perspective of things. Look beyond yourself to make decisions.

4. Be wise. Think of the future, not just the present. Think of your daughter as the next generation. What would be better for her? What kind of influence will your boyfriend have on your daughter?

5. Be firm. With yourself - the decisions you make.

The path ahead will not be easy - but it will pass. With your current boyfriend, it will always be a burden.

You could perfectly be describing my former brother-in-law. We had an ongoing joke among my other siblings (not the one who was married to this guy) asking if he could ever celebrate Labor Day. Unfortunately it took 26 years of marriage before my sister finally realized her husband was never going to change and take care of her and his family. I hope it doesn't take you that long to come to a similar conclusion too as you are not doing your child any favors. My nephew, the son to this loser, is following in his footsteps. He is trying to find a woman who will take care of him like my sister did for his father. He has already been married and divorced and doesn't pay child support for his son. He is continuing in his dad's loser ways.... Good luck as my thoughts and prayers are with you.

You need to step back and look at this objectively. He needs to help, of course, and think about what Dr Phil would say to him and to you. People will treat you the way you allow yourself to be treated. Therefore, I think some Tough Love is what you need to do. He needs to leave until he can prove he will hold down a job and pay child support for a period of time before coming back. He will not change unless you do!

Tough love - you have to focus on your child and not him. You are working to support yourself and your child - not him. Give him an ultimatum - easy for me to say it but let's just say it's doable. Talking to him has not worked so you need to just lay down the rules and expectations.

Hi N.,

I ditto what the other ladies have said. Until he wants to do for you and your daughter, this will be his path. RUN...don't walk...in the opposite direction. Don't look back years later and you are still in this situation. I pray that he can change, but until then you have to take care of you and your daughter. I pray for your strength to make the right decision for your family. I hope you have a great church and strong family support to get you through this decision. You deserve so much more!!! God Bless!

I have had a boyfriend like that. We had a child together 14 years ago and I stuck with him for five of those years. Guess what? To this day he still doesn't work unless he wants a six pack of beer! The quality of my daughter's life is much better without me supporting an adult who will not carry his own weight. I am now married to a hardworking, loving man and am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom. It is time to go on with your life. Just a warning...when you leave he will promise you the world, if he were going to change he would have done it when that beautiful baby girl came into your lives.

I think if you re-read your letter, you know what to do. If you and your daughter were officially on your own, how would your life be any different? Would it be better or worse? Easier or harder? You are the only one with the answers about what is right for you.

Good luck and God bless you,

M.

I had that same problem. I put him out. I knew it was going to be hard, but if the only thing that he's putting in is extra expenses, let that go. Your only going to get tired of it and a year later, you will realize you should have put him out a long time ago. You can't change a man. He's living off of you, because you let him. A man can and will do as much as you allow. You've allowed him to lay around on you and you take it day after day. You can't try and change him at this point, because you've let this go on for to long and he's going to be confused. He will act right for awhile and then when things settle down, he will go right back to 'lack of drive'.
Good luck and God bless...

Get rid of him. Why should he find a job - you're doing everything for him. Kick him out and then find an attorney so that you can enforce child support. He needs a motive to work - you are making it much to easy for him. You are enabling him -

My first reaction is along the same lines as many others who have responded. Get out now. See if he grows up on his own. Sounds like you've supported him long enough - it's not like you're married!

Here's something I didn't see mentioned... It's just something I have learned (from my mom). Men need to be praise or have their egos fed (often). They need to be regularly re-assured that they are...strong, good provider, appreciated, etc. Example: My husband changed one poopie diaper. He brought it up several times, (subconsciously) looking for praise. (I change diapers daily, but I don't get any praise!) And that's just how men are.

Now, if you have tried "nagging" and "praise" and he's still not getting off his bottom, tough love is probably the answer.

P.S. Elaine G. really gave good advise!

GET RID OF HIM???? If he's unwilling to even LOOK for a job, there's no way he'll STAY at one. If he's unwilling to stand up and be man, how do you HONESTLY think he'll do at being a GOOD PARENT????

I'm sure you have feelings for him, but you deserve MUCH better than staying with a bum and freeloader. You won't be able to make him change!! That's a decision HE made.

I know I sound horribly mean and am not intending to upset you, but you have to face reality. As I said, you and your child DESERVE better!!!!

J

I am not sure if what I went through is the same for you, but I regretted living with my ex-boyfriend. He was not as driven to work as I was (am) and it became a big problem. He eventually got a job, but while he was off, spent a lot of time on the net. He claimed to be job hunting, but was setting up more than job interviews. The job he eventually got in the mall assisted him in other activities. We broke up and he always ended up with someone to "take care" of him. You have to draw a line somewhere. Like the saying goes, 'you can do bad by yourself'. Decide to what end (destination) you want your relationship to go. If the current status is within that track, then no worries. If not, you will have to make the best decision for your child and you. Your child is and should alway be your first concern. The effects of this relationship will forever be with you, but is this what you want to teach your daughter to not only look for, but accept in a man?

You can't change him, only he can change his attitude. It seems to me, until he "has" to work, he won't, but only you can make the decision to allow it or not.

Good luck.

N.,
I was married for 14 years to someone exactly like your boyfriend. He would work only long enough to file unemployment, or he'd "get hurt" on the job so he couldn't go back. He'd tell me he was looking for a job, but I'd come home to check on him now and then (I worked about 5 minutes from home at the time) and he'd be in his pajamas, laying on the couch, watching TV all day. I worked two jobs, and still had to put the kids in daycare so he could "look for a job". I got a divorce about 11 years ago, and it has been so much easier, believe it or not. He never paid a cent in child support, and when he was homeless and sick two years age he showed up at my house and asked in front of my children if he could stay with us for two nights (if I said no, I was the bad guy and he was the martyr) He stayed 6 months- wouldn't leave no matter how much I begged, still didn't look for a job, turned my A/C down to 75 during the day while I worked (caused the electric bill to be $525 that month). I never said anything bad about my ex to my kids and hoped that they would see for themselves what was happening. My son has turned out exactly like him - he dropped out of high school and then college, has two children he doesn't take care of (and as a result, I can't see them either) and has never kept a job for more than 3 months. I can't help but feel like it is my fault for staying with his dad so long (his dad can do no wrong in his eyes). On the other hand, my daughter sees how hard I had to work and that her dad did little to help and doesn't want to be anything like her dad, even though she loves him.

Sorry for the rambling, but my advice to you is: people don't change. Life is too precious and too short to waste your life on someone who doesn't care enough for you and your baby to take care of you. Don't let him be a bad role model to your baby, either.

I was in that situation for 10 yrs. I wish I'd had the guts to say get a job or move on! It was so hard! I thought since he was the dad it was best to stay together but boy was I wrong. I finally told him to go & he moved out & lived with his parents for 2 yrs then met a lady & she straightened him out & he has worked every since no problems, always pays his child support, etc. I met a wonderful man/husband/father & we are all happy now!

Tell him to wake up & smell the flowers or move on!

DUMP THAT MAN ASAP!!! kick him out!!!! i know someone who had the same problem well she still does actually. she has been with this man for eighteen years and he is still doing the same old stuff!!! to make things worse they have five kids!!! dump that man before it is too late and you end up wasting your life with a total loser!!!!!

Hi Ntyisa. I've been where you are and it's no fun. What I realized was the same thing that you already have...as long as I'm taking care of it...he's not going to. It's not a drive issue as much as it is a comfort level because of enabling issue. Why would he help out, get a job, do more...He's loving thinking "I have a free ride, she can do it, my excuses are being accepted, she's not going anywhere, she's not going to let the baby go without which means i won't go without." It's a hard situation,but easy at the same time: He's only going to do what you accept and allow to happen. If you are ok with carrying your share and his of the load-keep doing the same thing. If you want to stay in the relationship and to see more drive-stop taking care of everything and shift some of the responsiblity to him-as hard and as scary as it might be knowing that he's likely to not do it... and just make sure to take care of your share and your child. If you want someone with more desire to provide for you and your child-and he's not willing/wanting to do that-accept that and know you have a decision to make. You cannot control him/change him/motivate him to do anything that he doesn't want to do himself. So you can only change the one thing that you can control and that is your role in the situation. Have a backup plan in place for you and your child-you are obviously a strong woman and mother and can take care of business. If he doesn't step up, find hope in knowing that you can step out/move on and be okay if you decide this is not for you.

Well, I hope he is taking care of house choirs and participating in caring for your daughter. If not you are in a bit of a pickle! You need to let him know exactly how you are feeling and mean it! It sounds like you don't even need him(financially), He will only bring you down. Good luck with that decision, to be holding on to something that's not moving forward. Always remember, you and your daughter deserve better and a whole lot more!