I've Had Daughter Still Won't Use the Potty at Age 7. - Chesapeake,VA

Don't wait for May! Call her doctor now and perhaps get a referral for a child psychologist. Something is going on there. Please don't continue to punish her -there's a problem. I know this may sound blunt or mean -but it's not normal and you know it's not normal. Don't wait any longer -there is something physical or emotional amiss here. You say you know there's nothing environmental at play, but you really don't. She goes to school and you're not with her every second of every day anymore, so it could be something environmental.

The thing that strikes me the most is that you say it doesn't bother her; that she will just happily stay in the mess. That is just not normal.

I am hoping that nothing traumatic has happened to her, but usually when you have digression like that it stems from some sort of trauma.

Please take her to the doc well before May.

I dont understand, if she has been doing this for years, why hasnt it been brought up with her ped already?

Im going to repeat and say you need professional help asap. Not next month.

I'm just wondering why you would wait until May to talk her doctor about this to rule out a medical condition, and have waited this long? Sorry, but this should have been brought to the doctor's attention years ago.

If there isn't a medical condition to explain this you may have willfully disobedient or disturbed child, who for whatever reason may require seeing a therapist, her doctor can give you a referral to one. This truly is not normal, 7 year olds know how to go to the bathroom when needed, this is a serious problem she needs help with.

You're wondering if it means something? Your child is seven and not using the toilet. There is something wrong, whether physical or emotional or behavioral and you need to get to the bottom of it. It's not normal for seven year olds not to use the toilet at all times. This isn't an issue of not using the "potty" - potties are for toddlers. Your daughter is a school aged kid. I'd start with her pediatrician, he or she can direct you to any other appropriate specialists. Of course you can pick her out of a crowd of poopy babies, she isn't a diapered infant, she is a big child with poop in her pants. Her poop smells no different than that of other kids her age,but don't smell poop of other kids her age because they don't go in their pants!

I am in the same boat with everyone else - this should have been addressed years ago with her doctor so why wait until next month? This is NOT normal - for her to keep doing it and for her to not be bothered by it. I would not keep punishing her, as it does not seem to be effective, and get her in to her pediatrician right away.

Just for the record, my daughter is 4 years old and has been potty trained for a year now. She does all her #2s on the potty but sometimes ends up with stains or "skid marks" in her panties, especially just prior to having a BM. Today she was at her babysitter's and thought she might have messed in her pants by accident. She grabbed a clean pair of underpants out of her backpack, got herself to the bathroom, cleaned herself up, got the clean underpants on, and stuck the dirty ones in a pocket of her backpack (they weren't that bad) - and she did it all on her own without telling her babysitter because she was too embarrassed to let on that something happened. She just took care of it herself. If my 4 year old is capable of this, and feels embarrassed enough by a possible accident to want to take care of herself rather than asking for help (and normally she would ask for help if she were with me), there shouldn't be any reason why your 7 year old should continue to do this. Please get her in to her pediatrician now, and figure out if it is something medical/physical, or if a psychological evaluation is in order.

Not an innocent phase!, she needs a pshycologist..... Please don't buy her pull ups at this age.

I would call the pediatrician on Monday (not May) and take the earliest appointment. Be very calm when explaining the situation to the doctor (if your daughter is in the room). If you can't get an appt right away, ask to speak with a nurse (let her know the situation) and see if she can get you in ASAP.

This situation needs to be tended to RIGHT AWAY. This would be ok for a 2 yr old and many 3 year olds, not 7's. I am concerned about this psychologically...First, you need to rule out a medical issue.

I agree with Julie! There is something wrong and you need to see the doctor ASAP. I would by pull ups/Goodnights underwear and let her wear them so she does not ruin panties, but I would not use them as a punishment!!

I agree with everyone - talk to a doc.

But I also have a somewhat rhetorical question. Who's been cleaning her up the last 4 years?

You said she only did it twice at school. It seems to me that it only took her two times at school to learn that she had to deal with it herself.

Maybe she's learned that at home she has someone else to take care of it for her?

I went through the same thing with my daughter. You are not alone. Her pediatrician said that there was nothing wrong with her physically so I took her to a therapist who determined that there was nothing wrong with her mentally. I was at my wits end so I finally took her to a urologist. He told us that her bladder was just not developed fully. We started "timed voiding" which is basically potty training all over again using a timer to make her go at regular intervals, thus retraining her bladder. Please do not punish her. It won't help her and she will just feel bad about herself. All I can say is to let it go and try not to worry about it. Take her to a urologist. She will get it in time. It will pass. But really try not to stress on it. She senses it and it's just adding to the frustration. Good luck and hang in there!

Hi, T.:

The first thing you need to do is treat her with respect.
Do not in any way be punitive towards her or say
anything negative.
Reassure her that everything is okay.

Contact your doctor and talk to the nurse.
Make sure there is nothing going on physically.
After she is checked out physically and nothing is
wrong, contact a narrative therapist.

look on the web site on encopresis and narrative therapy.
There is an article for parents.

Good luck.
D.

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. What a difficult situation. I would be so frusterated and definately at my wits end.

Please don't wait any longer to have her seen by her doctor to discuss this.

I wish you the best...

I can't believe that no one has pointed out the red flag about punishment in this post. if this child has been both physically and verbally punished for this act, it seems that this abusive family relationship needs therapy before any resolution will come. Please visit your child's doctor to rule out a medical condition, but be honest about your role in this situation and consider speaking to a counselor as well. I'm sure your doctor will agree.

This has been going on far too long and I am surprised you haven't taken her to the Dr. I would take her as soon as possible.

I think you may need to schedule a visit earlier than May, especially if it's not til late May. Can you email the doctor tonight and see if you can 1. get advice and 2. get an earlier apt? I wonder, too, if there's any sort of physical concern going on or if it's just a lack of wanting to stop what she's doing. Have you tried going back to basics and basically re-training her?

I still think the reward system is the best. Find out what she really likes and every day that she doesn't have an accident, reward her with it. We used to put a big bag of toys (little cheap ones) all wrapped up on the back of the toilet, and every time our dd used it she would get one. This worked so well that she was almost forcing herself to go to get one. You might be able to do something similar. Every time she has an accident, don't get mad, just say, "Oh, no toy today" and take the bag away as a visual reminder.

Definitely speak with her pediatrician, or get a psychologist referral. She could have sensory processing issues.

If she has a history of toileting independently, however, it might be behavioral. I speak from experience on this, as my seven-year-old remorselessly has "accidents". We finally brought the hammer down and are in the second week of Potty Booty Camp. I don't know if anyone in your area offers the same one as the therapist in Chicago...www.bootycampmom.com is the website. (Caveat: I can't believe I am actually suggesting this, because I hate it when I post a question on here and a mom replies with a product on which I can spend money. Personally, I have tried EVERYTHING from stickers to cleaning up her own mess and nothing on my own resources has worked. So take it or leave it, I suppose.) We've put our lives on hold for two weeks, our insurance does not cover it, but my kid needs to make this happen for herself and I don't seem to be able to get her to make that jump to toileting independently. It's pretty hardcore and definitely not for the loosey-goosey parent. She is not accident-free but boy if she isn't learning that she can't loophole out of listening to her body.

Anyway, if there isn't anything like this where you live, it might be worth dropping the founder an email to see if she has a referral or can help long-distance.

Good luck. This is INCREDIBLY frustrating, so I am feeling you over here.

Does your daughter have any special needs?

What has the doctor said about this? The going to the potty while asleep seems like a physical thing.. That is why I wonder if the doctor needs to send her to a specialist.

If once it has been determined there is not a problem then you can deal with this in a punitive way.

Have any of her teachers had to deal with this?

I am not sure how you can help her if she is not embarrassed. Does this happen when she is around her friends?

Has this happened at a sleep over?

What would she feel like if her friends knew about this?
Have you asked her?

I can maybe understand maybe she is having so much fun she does not want to stop.. but she has to learn this is a priority. 7 year old's do not do this. They are big kids now.

If there is no physical reason for this. I would have a talk with her this weekend and explain that this is no longer acceptable.

From now on you are going to start reminding her to go to the potty every 20 minutes. She is to stop what she is doing and try to go. No whining, no fit throwing. This needs to be a priority.

She needs to on her own clean up her messes..

The only way you can intervene is when you have to to the laundry and you spot clean.. This way she will have the full responsibility for this.

If it were me, I would no longer enable this behavior. I would explain until she can get this under control for at least a month without these messes.. No more extras.. No movies, no friends over no her going over to friends home.. whatever her deal is. In our daughters case.. it would be no library ir book store.. (this was like a death sentence to her)

Yes get her into see her ped or any dr soon. I would also get her some pull ups/ good nights.

In the mean time I would make sure you and the school has her on an hourly bathroom routine. It might not be a cure all.. but it might help cutting down the accidents.

Good luck and I hope you find an answer.

A visit to the pediatrician and maybe even urologist is definitely in order.

But if you're looking for a training book, may I suggest "Toilet Training in Less Than a Day" by Azrin & Foxx. Originally developed in the 1970s, their method was devised to help special needs adults. It may be the kind of consistency and reward system she needs. I used the method for both of my children and they were completely potty-trained (even at night) at age 3. Good luck to you!

I have to agree with others, there may be a medical or psychological condition and you definitely need to see a doctor. This is not normal and a definite sign that something is wrong. Also you should not be punishing her for this, that will make it worse. Instead try positive reinforcement for when she does the correct thing and do not give any attention for the wrong thing. Until you figure this out my advised would be to keep her in pull ups and do not make a big deal when she has an accident, but when she goes on the potty make a HUGE deal about it. I hope there is nothing seriously wrong and that you are able to figure this out!

Yes, she needs to see the doctor as soon as you can get her in to rule out a physical cause (I wonder because of the poop smell and because bladder infections are pretty common). If there is nothing physical then the next step in a therapist. In the meantime I would have her wear Goodnights at night (my 6 year old son uses them at night too). BTW my 6 year old had a few pee accidents when he stated school full days but it wasn't daily and it got resolved by October. Also at 7 she should be able to be nearly independent in actually using the bathroom. But my 6 year old sometimes needs to be reminded to take a bathroom break. Have you tried sending her for bathroom breaks on a schedule at home? I had to do this with my son when he was younger and he fought me about at first but it eventually stuck. Now he usually is good with the rules to go first thing in the morning (and throw the Goodnight in the trash), before leaving the house and when we get home.

We are having the same problem with my 7 year old son. He isn't pooping himself only peeing in his pants. We took him to a urologist and they tried the timed potty training, set a timer for every 30 min and make him go, also she said he was constipated and that pushed on his bladder causing frequent leaks. However, after that trip to the urologist the frequent pee episodes disappeared until this past week. He told me that he had to go and couldn't hold it on the bus the first time but it has happened every day since and sometimes more than know a day. I am like you and have tried everything. I thought that since he was so old it would bother him for people to see that he has wet himself but it doesn't bother him at all. I recommend calling a urologist or your pediatrician to get a referral for one. Ours put our son on a daily medication that is supposed to help. I just started it today so I'm not sure how it helps but I would be happy to let you know in the future! Best of luck from one frustrated mommy to another.

I'd have her checked for parasites and excessive yeast in her body. I personally wouldn't wait any longer, I'd get her in today.

My daughter has a friend with a medical condition where the colon becomes impacted, streches out of place and where she physically does not feel the sensation to fully control this. If this continues past about age 10, it will not clear up as the colon will be permanently stretched. Your daughter may have some type of medical issue causing this, and it's worth a trip to the pediatrician immediately. If it's something she can't control, she may be experiencing a lot of guilt and shame over it.

Is there possibility that she does have a (dis)ability of some kind, more so a neurological type? I'm not stating that this could be the only reason for her doing what she is but there is a reason behind what she's doing. I highly recommend you taking her to her pediatrician and perhaps even a behavioral health specialist? I hope you and yours figure this out to start working on the issue and please do not punish her for this. I would say getting the Goodnights underpants is a good idea for her in the current situation.

It could be a pinched nerve.

Have you talked to the teachers. sometimes they are very smart. :)

i do think a dr would be great too. your not a bad mom. just need some help so go and find it.

wishing you all the best. yes this is hard. yes you can find a way to help your little girl.