It's an Epidemic "Man Child Syndrome" Men Who Don't Want to Work

Here's the attitude that I have come across lately which is sad: Why work when the government will take care of me?" (Not me, myself, per se, but that seems to be a common sentiment). "Let's see how we can scam the system and get some "free money" so that we don't have to work." It sounds like a good gig if you can get it??? I don't know what happened to pride and striving to achieve the American dream. The only problem with socialism is that eventually you run out of other people's money to give to those who want to do nothing, yet feel entitled to everyone else's money...I think Margaret Thatcher said something to that affect.

There have always been men who acted like this. However, I think we have seen more of an "epidemic" since women moved so much into the workforce. This is not to say that it's the fault of women, but that it is a consequence of the new social norm that has resulted with more women working outside the home. No longer is the man regarded in the same "protector" status that they had when men were the "breadwinner" and women stayed home to bake the bread. Some men, and some women, just haven't dealt well with this societal change. This is a rather simplistic view, but I do think it is at least a part of the problem.

Nope. It's poor parenting which has led them to a life of entitlement, such as:

-I know that you're supposed to do XXXX for school but you don't need to because we're going on vacation/you had a game last night and couldn't do it/you were late this morning because of <insert lame excuse here> and the parent LIES or makes up excuses for them.

-Parents who don't set boundaries for their children. Yep, you know them; they're the ones who will count to three for their child when they misbehave in public yet not give a consequence, threaten punishment but never follow through, or give them a 15 second timeout thinking that would deter future behavior.

-Parents who don't let their children fail. They get cut from the sports team? They march right on up to school and give them a piece of their mind! They fail a test? They blame the teacher and demand the grade be changed or extra credit be offered. In the meantime, the kid learns they don't have to be accountable and when bad things happen, helicopter mommy will bail them out.

Why would men want to leave such a cushy, easy situation? All they've ever known is that mommy and daddy will clean up the mess and cater to their whims!

I don't think "women" are to blame. I think society in general, has changed in such a way that young adults are no longer adults at all. They are glorified teenagers right up until their 30's. Why don't they move out of mom & dad's? Because they can't afford to have all the things they think they HAVE to have (smart phones with unlimited internet access, cable/satellite TV, nice cars and fashionable clothes, etc). No longer are kids taught they they don't NEED these things. That they NEED to earn them if they want them. They are all just handed over and GIVEN to them. Same with college. It used to be that if you didn't qualify for an academic or sports scholarship, either your parents had to pay for it or you got a job and paid as you went. Now, EVERYONE practically qualifies for some sort of grant or aid and there is very little personal responsibility for making it happen. So they take all these grants and continue to live like they always have (overspending on fancy coffee, wireless service (or are on mom & Dad's plan), cars, clothes, meals out, etc) and sometimes don't even spend the grant $ on school--- but their lifestyle instead.
It isn't women that are the problem. It is families who think their precious angel DESERVES to have the latest everything and proceeds to provide it, never making the child responsible for providing anything for themselves, or accountable to anyone but themselves.
Our eldest (almost 13) doesn't have a cell phone. He won't, until he can pay for it. My husband and I do have cell phones, but we don't have internet access---we don't NEED it and it is a waste to pay for something we don't need. We don't buy our kids a closet full of "in" clothes, either. They have adequate clothes--but not just clothes because they saw something and wanted it. If they have 4 pairs of shoes already, they don't NEED the latest cool shoe put out by Nike or Sperry or whomever. And they won't be getting it, either.
Learning self-sufficiency and how to be content without HAVING 'stuff' is a concept that must be modeled and taught at home. If it isn't, it doesn't matter whether it is Mom or Dad that fails to teach it... they will still never grow up.

The only women who are to blame are the ones who allow it!

ROFL... You just described the vast majority of "artists" (and those who follow artists)... and they're not a new phenomenon.

Of course, back in the day, they had names like Bohemians, Beatniks, Dirty Hippies, Club Kids, Royal Academy of Scientists, Flappers. These are the same people (artists and their followers) responsible for The Left Bank in Paris, and the Harlem Renaissance, Woodstock, the Roaring 20's, Libertines. I could list dozens of other examples through history from Shakespeare's England to the Present.

Of course, looking back HISTORICALLY I'm sure it sounds all romantic... Picasso's wild parties, The Rose Theatre with Shakespeare, Piling into a van with long hair and a guitar dropping acid, music clubs in Harlem, poetry parties during Charle's II's reign...

But the fact of the matter IS... it's been just as annoying to parents, spouses, and society in general... for ever and always. AND IT IS NOT WOMEN'S FAULT. Although 'ungodly wives', coddling mothers, and can can dancers have always been blamed.

It's also why more journalists need to study history, rather than just regurgitating the same old tripe that people have been spouting for centuries. Not only is it NOT a new phenomena... but their 'name' for it shows a remarkable lack of imagination.

;)

It's every individual's choice how they spend their time on this planet, and whom they choose to respect.

R.... a confirmed artist gone straight edge (mostly) for the raising of my son.

Well considering the fact that you just described my brother-in-law to some extent and his live-in girlfriend is about to toss him out, I would say that it's not okay to be lazy but this is a major issue for lots of 20 and 30 somethings. If their mothers, girlfriends and sisters would STOP enabling them and force them to deal with the consequences of their choices, then this would end.

Honestly- this started with my generation (32) and our parents letting us believe that we were all "winners"... no one kept score, everyone got a trophy, etc. Not true and so glad my parents didn't do this to us!

To get the trophy, you have to work for it. Bottom line. My BIL lived in our basement for a year b/c he was in nursing school at 35 b/c he was an Art History major in college and then was shocked when he couldn't find a job. So... we allowed him to live with us rent-free (and responsibility free) for a year and now he's no further ahead than where he was at 22. No savings, about to quit ANOTHER job and work per diem... no money saved for a ring and his girlfriend is going crazy b/c he just can't pull it together! What is my MIL doing? Making excuses about how (as a nurse), he's so overwhelmed by the paperwork that he doesn't feel like he can focus on his patients. Bleh. My response to him... grow up and suck it up. Work isn't always fun, but you have bills to pay.

It's sad and I really hope that we all teach our children differently.

Parents are to blame for letting enabling them =)

In the book "Nurture Shock", they talk about the change in parenting that took place after psychologist discovered the importance of self esteem. There was a series of studies (not all legitimate) emphasizing the importance of how we view ourself. While self-esteem is critical, I think the status quo for parenting shifted too much. Parents don't seem to give their children the tools they need to be independent and responsible for their own actions.

My dad was a mean drunk the last several years of his life. I was in junior high when the hipppie movement and women's liberation came across the US. I had several cousins who were 10 or more yrs older than me and my dad saw the trend of couples getting married and the wives dropping out of college and the husbands going on to get a degree. Then when they wives should have been able to go back and finish school their husbands divorced them. My dad always told me don't ever support a man. He finishes school and suddenly the wife becomes boring and he goes and looks for a woman with a degree and the ex-wife never gets to finish school. She has to get a job and support any children they may have had.
As a result I never supported a man. When my kids came of age I told them they couldn't drive until they had a job and could pay for their own insurance, girls too. I never allowed video games in my home. If they wanted stuff other than basics they paid for it. I help my kids out with free babysitting when I can but I refuse to support them. My youngest has a girlfriend with a 4 month old baby, not sure on who daddy is, but my son finally got a regular full time job and moved out when the baby was born. I babysit they little guy since they both work late shift and daycare is difficult to find.
I feel if anyone wants to live with mom and dad after 20 and not work but play video games and hang out with their friends then oops you can also live at the nearest homeless shelter. Get off you butt and get a job, if that means McDonald's oh well. I encouraged my kids to go to college and to go to work. So far none of them have gone to college and they all have kids now, if they decide to go to college I will do what I can to help out. But I won't support them.
Taking the tough love route has not been easy but they will thank you for it later.

Young men, and young folks in general, are facing a pretty grim work picture since the Big Financial Meltdown. I know of at least 22 people under 30 in my religious community who have been struggling for over 2 years to find work, and most are patching temporary or part-time odd jobs together and living with their parents or other kind souls who will charge little or no rent. Constant discouragement has a few 20-somethings in my immediate circle looking for ways to escape, and computer games are a quiet and cheap "drug of choice" for some. Like any other drug that allows the user to feel intermittent thrills or other rewards, games can become addictive.

But beyond very high unemployment, I think it's also likely that moms (and dads, too) who hover, do every little thing for their children, protect their kids from any and all discouragement and adversity, and "encourage and praise" incessantly (see more on that here: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/ ) can and do put their children at a disadvantage when it comes time to face the "real" world.

And I do love Riley's observations. I fall into the category of "artist." Some people simply do not have conventional definitions of what success and happiness look like/feel like. For me, I would probably dream and drift my way through life and be quite content with it. But I had a daughter, and wanted a future for her that was not restricted by my own spaciness, so I did/do put a lot of energy into staying connected with life as many people seem to know it. I also married a man who had a clear plan for his life, and the discipline to help us both stay on track (for 30 years, I've illustrated the science books that he writes). Lucky me – and I still get time to drop out and dream and draw! Or goof around on mamapedia…

I don't think women are to blame except mothers who do everything for their sons and coddle them well into their 20's, 30's or worse! But some guys turn out like this DESPITE good parenting and good role models from both of their parents. I know way too guys like this, some where I can clearly look back at their childhood and teen years and wonder what did their parents expect of boys catered to, allowed to play video games 24/7 and praised for merely passing grades? Maybe some guys their parents where TOO strongly pushing them to succeed, without enough emphasis on true maturity? Who knows, but after a certain point (early 20's) it's their own fault they haven't grown up and become men instead of lazy boys.

Very interesting post... this is SO my hubby. We met at 19, got married at 22, and here I thought he'd outgrow it by 30... not so much! He's such a geek & gamer, though he has taught me a TON about computers. It took me some time, but I finally figured out he has some serious self-esteem issues stemming back to his parents- dad said he couldn't do anything right and mom came around & did it for him. UGH! My sibs & I never did anything right either, but we were made to go back & do it again. I think at a certain point it's time to take responsibility for yourself and grow up- do whatever it takes to get past those issues and move on to becoming an adult. This is the ONE and only thing we argue about, but it's a big one. He finally started seeing a doc and is getting it together now, thank goodness!

Someone said it had to do with artists... I have to say, I myself am an artistic personality, but I was also raised with really strong work ethics. I am an insurance agent and the primary breadwinner and am the one who runs the house. I have the odd talent of being both artistic & logical (none of the career counselors could ever figure out how I always scored right in the middle of their tests). Although I don't mind so much, once in a while it would be nice for him to step up and "be a man" in the old sense and help out more.

You described my husband and his brother. I don't get it - their parents married in their mid-20's, both were educated, mom stayed home for many years raising them, dad worked FT in a successful career and eventually earned his master's degree and a PhD and their only children were really, really late bloomers. DH has been working in the same field for 7 years now, his longest stretch ever (but for 6 different companies!), a field he fell into at age 35, when we were first married. He's STILL trying to figure out what he wants to be when he grows up, and has only matured somewhat from being a husband and father. Until we got married, his apartment was disgusting, he paid to have his laundry done and ate at the cafe at work and got take-out on the way home. No domestic skills whatsoever. His younger brother went back to school - again! - a few years ago and is sort of working in the field that he studied but by no means would one call it a career. He is also an undomesticated slob. I would love to figure out what mistakes their parents made so that I can avoid the same fate with my boys.

Yes, to some degree I think we are. I still crack jokes to my hubby about how he would still be working in a record store and living with his mom if it were not for us getting married. He never really argues the fact either. I refuse to cater to him. He was still having his mom wash, fold and iron all of his clothes at 23. I told him when we got married that the days of him being ''taken care'' to his moms extent were over. We were going to have to learn to work as a team to get stuff done. I was catered to as a kid and teenager. I didnt want it to continue. It has taken seven years and a few very messy apartments to figure out what each of us likes doing. So, they can be reformed. Anyone can. It just takes will power and alot of patience. We both went from never loading a dishwasher in our life to getting um done immediately.

A note. We have a house mate that lives with us. He will be 28 on the 8th. He has never lived with his mom but, still will crack a beer at 1pm. So this makes me laugh really hard. He does all of his own laundry and stuff like that. It just makes me giggle a little. He works full time for the most part and is still in school so I say this out of humor. He does do the music thing though!! I think I may tell him to take his music out into the garage!!

I have met a lot of stay at home dads lately. They blame the economy saying they lost there job and the wife was the first to get one and makes more money so cheaper for him to stay home.

I know you are referring to single dudes but I would like to know how many covered in this article are staying home due to losing a job vs those that are just lazy not wanting to try. Maybe the work force has switched because of women know the right time to take advantage of situations.

Or maybe since both parents were busy with there careers someone else had to raise the kids (daycare workers) and those people did not or can not instill responsibility the way mom and dad can.

Some women are to blame, some parents are to blame, but when we are talking about a 30+ year old man, personal responsibility needs to be blamed the most...

Have you ever went on a vacation, enjoyed the hotel, the atmosphere, and wish you could just stay there forever... in the back of our heads, we know we couldn't afford it forever and we would probably get sick of it eventually.

It really goes to these guy's character, people could have enabled them, but they are grown and they could take personal responsibility but haven't for whatever reason you want to hear, it really falls back on them...

women have always held it down, it was just easier when they were supported financially by their husbands and actually had TIME and ENERGY. nowadays men still expect women to clean and do childcare even when they are working full time. men who don't have jobs could be a wonderful asset - they can do full time child care and all the housework while the women brings home the bacon. that's the only way it's gonna fly, dudes. so get it together!

as far as it being OUR fault? hmmmm...i guess everything is our fault, right, because we are ultimately the center of the family and the primary keepers of culture? everything falls back on our shoulders.

let's just make sure OUR men (and sons) are doing right. parents that want to support their grown man-children can do just that if that's what they want. then when the guys are forty and ready to start a family they get up, find a job and a 25 yr old woman and settle down. tough life, eh?

While I think the traditional concept of "a job" is changing, I still think the work ethic can be there for those, even with "different" types of job roles. Younger people are more likely to work at jobs involving the internet, being self-employed, etc., as we are seeing a huge generation largely unlikely to be "ok" with "working for the man" so to speak. Laziness a character trait though -- a negative O.. I don't now that I agree that it's an epidemic though.

Roles have been confused to a degree and there are TONS of people who take this thought too far. I think it is also the rest of the worlds fault because we coddle and "everyone's a winner" and no one is held responsible for their problems we "pass the buck" too often and mommy saves the day happens too friggn often ... whatever happened to raisin adults???

They'll find a way to work if it's their only way to eat.
Their meal ticket has to dry up first, which means either the parents stop funding the party while they live or after they pass away.

Personally, I'm not crazy about teenagers acting like teenagers.
I don't think women are to blame. Frankly I don't think women in the work force are that powerful. There are exceptions, but the numbers are still too few to add up to much. Since we still typically get paid less than men for the same job and equivalent experience, we've been competing as slightly cheaper labor.

The problem we have right now is we're evolving into a world economy and there are job shortages when they can be off-shored to cheap labor (WAY cheaper than on-shore women) in Asia, South Africa and South America.
Salaries on-shore are stalling and down sliding (at least they are if you are not a CEO) and it's depressing looking for work when you realize you're working for a salary that's 1/3rd what it was worth 10 years ago.
Every body is hurting.
My son is 12 right now. And I hope he flies the nest before I have to throw him out but in the mean time I keep telling him he's got to get a degree in something that can't be done from a distance - like a dentist or a plumber.