Issues Juggling Life Among Multiple Homes

Something's off here. It's hard to tell if your husband is dropping the ball, or your parents, or both.

I think your kids need to travel to see their father during longer breaks. If they see him so infrequently, I can understand that there's not a lot of devotion to homework. I also think your husband can keep a supply of clothing for them to minimize the amount of stuff that needs to be packed.

I also question "failing school" at 8 years old. Does he have mediocre grades that are not up to your standards? Are you pushing academics so much (with essential homework, extra tutoring for 2 kids, one of whom is just 5)???? It may be that you have created a complicated system and it's hard for someone else to follow it. I can't believe that a 5 year old needs tutoring for ANYTHING or that a week away will cause terrible homework problems. You need to not send your kids away during a school week during which they have homework, or the school needs to NOT assign projects during a vacation period.

It would seem that the "golden opportunity" is for them to visit their father, not to catch up on work that wasn't done when they were home with you (due to illness). There shouldn't be such difficult academic schedules at ages 5 and 8.

I think you can allow for work to be done ON THE PLANE, and that's it. Still, it all has to come back, so that's a problem. I'm not sure what country they are flying to or how long the flight is, but surely there is "down time" en route and waiting in airports. Again, I'm not sure why they should spend their visit with their father doing anything but bonding with him and experiencing life in the other country.

It may be that others feel you are micro-managing them, from work schedules to packing schedules to initials and stars. You want everyone to follow your system, which you have set up over time, but which is foreign and unfamiliar to them. It's got to be less expensive for your husband to keep some clothes and supplies at his home than to pay baggage fees to ship everything along with the kids. And it's got to put pressure on the kids to know that their time with their dad is supposed to be spent doing things for you and for their school.

I think you could take a photo of all the items packed - lay everything out on the bed or the floor, and take a picture. Then provide it to each child and make a game of repacking every item, with a special prize when they get home with most everything.

You are feeling out of control because....they are not under your control when they are thousands of miles away! So try to let go, expect less. Get them to do more work ahead of time, before the trip - ask the teachers for the advance work. You'll be the "bad guy" at home, but at least it will be under your roof. And you are putting a burden on your children's teachers but asking them to help you replace things! It's not up to them to keep extra copies just in case your kids or their father lose things. It's up to you to either make extra copies, not send the work to begin with, or relax your iron grip a little. You sound like you are carrying a huge load on a daily basis because you are essentially a single parent - but honestly, kids are not going to flunk out of elementary school because they didn't get tutoring at 5 or missed a homework assignment at 8. You would benefit from reorganizing your priorities and by having a conference with the teachers on how best to manage your international household.

There comes a time when too much travel to/with people who don't care about school work and grades just has to become more limited.
They can travel during summer or when there is no homework during winter and spring breaks.
Failing 1st grade?
Either the homework is slipping something awful or he needs an evaluation for some learning disabilities.
An IEP and/or some early intervention can really help a lot if you catch a situation early enough.
They've each got 12 years of school (13 if you count kindergarten and not counting college).
A foundation of basic skills is important to build NOW - it will have lasting effects for years to come.
This juggling schedule you have is not working for you or for the kids.
It's time to change it and have a more settled schedule during the school year.

Checklists.

Of course, that predicates that those caring for your kids will be willing to check each item off... but I know I certainly would!!! For many years, I would take my neices/nephews for a few weeks to give their parents a break (I dig ADHD kids).

2 things often happened... the first, being exactly as you're describing, in reverse.

They'd come... but with clothes in bags (often dirty), 7 shoes, but only 2 pairs, books, homework (god only knows what was actually due), etc. In essentially 2-5 great big mixed together piles. Ugh. Sorting other people's things is very difficult. Can't know at a glance if the 9th pink thing with white dots is a shirt/skirt/tights/etc., without pulling it out. I settled with washing everything, just to know what was there... but even then, these weren't items I "knew" so whether it was Betty's sweater, or Veronicas... was anyone's guess. Because everything was all mixed together. But I'd come up with a checklist, so everything would either get packed to go back, or we'd at least know what to look for behind the fridge or under the deck.

The second thing that would happen, is that I'd have all the kids for a "planned" week. Meaning 8-10 hours a day were already planned... but they'd come with far far far too many things to "do" (homework, etc.) in addition to the standing plans. Never any notice. Not until dropoff, and it's "Oh, Jack has a science project due on Monday (pickup sunday night), and Jill has a book report (on a 400 page book she hadn't read, yet, and girlie has dyslexia)." Groan. Or WORSE, not even that much of a heads up. Parents trusting the kids to self manage, and MAYBE I'd get a phonecall the day before pickup to ask how the book report and science project were coming. Ugh.

Medications
Toiletries
Electronics
Toys/Games
Clothes
Assignments

Boom. That easy. I trade custody with my ex, every other week... and while he won't send me a list back (nor check off what's on mine)... it only takes me 10 minutes to write it up.

I ALSO photograph my son's bag (as in the contents) every time. So that when I call to say his $75 jacket and $50 shoes didn't come back, he can't say they never came with. Proof of Life, style. With a newspaper in the photo. Yeah. That's how stellar my divorce is. >.<

It's easy for kids to lose their schedules when they are not in their own home and are living on someone else's schedule.

For one, you need to establish habits at home that can translate to someone else's house. For clothes, I got my SD a laundry bag that we hung on her doorknob. She was supposed to put ALL her dirty clothes in the bag as soon as she took them off. This habit took a while to groove in. However, once it was grooved in we were able to send the bag to her mom's house and she'd put her dirty clothes in the bag and bring the bag back. Otherwise we wouldn't ever see her clothes again.

I also suggest that the places that you send your children also have a supply of clothing that stays there.

For homework, you're going to have to put the adults in charge and let them know what they need to do. You can't just make your kids responsible for it.

If their father is in another country, they should do their homework ahead of time, or talk with the teacher and have them catch up when they get back.

For the grandparent visits, have your children complete their homework BEFORE the visit. If it's just the weekend, then they will have to do the homework on Friday.

If that's not possible, discuss with the teacher ahead of time and hopefully she can give them an extra day to catch up. I think communication with their teacher is important.

I also let my SD know that if she lost something important, it would NOT be replaced, or it would be replaced with something plain or ugly. At age 6 she was constantly leaving her coat at school on Friday, but would need it over the weekend. So I got her an ugly coat at the thrift store. If she left her coat at school, she would have to wear the ugly coat. She stopped leaving her coat at school!

We also sent her to her mom's in plain clothes--cheap plain sweatpants and plain tee shirts. That way if the clothes didn't get returned, it was okay. Perhaps you ought to get an inexpensive, plain wardrobe to send the kids with.

Honestly, kids do NOT look at checklists! And adults rarely take the time to keep track of the kids' stuff. Especially grandparents! They just assume the kids are doing their job. Then, maybe at the end of the visit, they run around looking for stuff!

My SD has lost a LOT of things at grandparents' house or her mom's. We learned quickly not to send anything important with her. I used to send her in these cute outfits--no more! Wal-mart knit shorts, plain tees and cheap shoes.

Now that she's much older, she has learned to be more responsible for her things. Still, at the last visit to grandma's she left 4 things there!

Good luck!

You just call them and say, "I sent my children to see their father and it looks like not everything came back. Do you have a homework list that I can check so that I can tell what they still need to do/what they need to replace?" Just be honest and proactive and calm. There's nothing you can do about it now but go forward and talk to the teachers. We've had to do so with the sks over the years.

It sounds like you are a very organized person, and not everybody is. Maybe they let the kids pack up at the end to have some independence. What wasn't packed up can be mailed home by your husband if it can be found.

As they get older, things will be easier for them. At 8, my SD couldn't find her shoe, let alone remember that she had 4 pairs of jeans. By 12 she was an old pro. I also agree with him having some clothing (even if it's just that he buys basics before they arrive) at his home so you send less/everybody tracks less.

Don't stress. Yes, it's important, but no, it's not the end of the world. Do not be embarrassed or worry too much what they may think. Be calm and professional and it will all work out.

As for failing first grade, that's a whole different thing and I hope you have been communicating with his teachers about exactly what is going on. Maybe have him evaluated for a learning disability or consider counseling if part of the problem is not seeing dad more.

As for telling the teacher - be honest about what happened with the homework. Ask for new copies of the assignments and have them completed within a few days. , even if it means spending a couple hours a day. Maybe you could take a couple of half-days at work so you are home in the afternoons when they get there. For the next time, consider making a full set of copies before they go, so you have replacements for every assignment if they don't come home with them.

As for your husband, you need to have a long talk with him. He needs to understand how hard you work to keep things organized and how much it affects you and the children when things come back messy, incomplete, or missing altogether. Does he know how badly your son is doing in school and how important it is that he catches up?

You need to talk to your kids about being more responsible with their homework too. Tell them they must only do their homework in one place (the kitchen table, for example) and it all needs to go back into the folder every time they take a break from doing it. That way, papers won't get scattered around the house. I have a five year old too and, even though he only gets a couple of assignments a week for homework, he still manages to take it all over the house if I'm not monitoring it.

You also need to revise your system. It works for you, but obviously doesn't work for him or for your kids. Make more extensive checklists, and actually have a checkbox feature for them to check off when something is put into the suitcase. Yes, list every single item (or, for example, say "5 t-shirts, 6 pairs of underwear"). List every single piece of school work that should be there too.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds exhausting and incredibly frustrating.

You are too controlling. Back off.

I'm trying to figure out how these kids are taking so many vacations. No wonder they're failing school. It sounds like they're rarely there. If you want the kids to continue traveling so much, maybe you need to pull them out of school and make the tutor full time. She can teach them what they need to know, travel with them if needed, etc. That way you know they're getting homework done and passing everything.

As far as getting everything back that you sent them with, you've been given some great suggestions.

Really - you are NOT in control when your kids aren't with you. You can explain all you like, but neither your parents nor your husband has any investment in this - it is your plan and yours alone.
Stop hitting your head against a brick wall. Any time away from home is usually seen as vacation/play time.
Don't send along anything that you can't replace - if they travel there so frequently maybe just have things (clothes, books, etc.) there for them, and send the minimum?
Good luck!

I don't juggle homes, but my daughter ice skates every day. Homework travels with us and is done in the sandwich shop or lounge of the rink.

First I would ask whoever the kids left the homework with to ship it back. It sounds like a reading book is missing and some pictures that you may not be able to duplicate.

From what I am reading, you are doing all the work. Teach your kids to be responsible. They can handle it. Teach them to make and go through their own check list. If they make their own list, they will understand it even if they have to draw pictures. Teach them to go through the list at home so they are used to reviewing it before they go out the door.

When my daughter skates, she wears a lot of gear. My husband has her put on a T-shirt and shorts and he puts every thing else on her. When I take her, she sits there, twists her body and watches other skaters while I try to twist with her to lace skates as a blade about slices my pants...so now I make her put it on when time allows. If I can get there early enough I sit there and tell what to put on and she does it. If she goofs off, I tell her she is missing ice time and if she is late she has to pay for practice. It took one time for me to stop by the bank and we withdrew money from her account to pay for ice time that she was late to.

At this point, she can nearly get herself completely ready and knows that her dad dresses her and her mom doesn't have time to play.

I suggest that you're trying to control things over which you can reasonably expect to not have any power to control. I urge you to let go of the need to have things come back intact and organized.

It is unreasonable to expect 5 and 6 yo students to complete homework while out of town for a week spending time with a father whom they see only see once in awhile. I suggest that you talk with the teacher about how to handle this. Perhaps they can do extra homework before they leave or have some time after they return to finish the work.

I would not send books or homework with them. You've learned that they don't come back. Again, I say that expecting them to continue with a routine set at home is an unreasonable expectation. They are not with their father or their grandparents long enough to establish a new routine that requires the completion of school work. And they need to have this time with them focusing on their relationship and not their school work. It's difficult enough to get homework done in a stable organized home.

I'm also very surprised that a 6 yo is failing school. If they're not able to keep up with the work, which sounds quite possible with the travel schedule you describe, he may need to repeat the first grade. I would not look at that as a failure. I would look at it as an adaptation for the need to travel so often and for so long.

Only send clothes and toys with them that it would be alright if they don't get returned. Take the pressure off yourself and others. Learn how to be more flexible. You cannot control what happens in other people's spaces.