Is It Possible to Let Step-father REALLY Parent Your Children?

Don't push the daddy thing. My step dad just became my dad whith patience and lots of love. It helped that my actual dad abused us and Gregg never did that sort of thing. He loved us from day one and still is my daddy. Slowly let him take over small resposibilities like pick the kids up from school or fix a meal, pack thier lunch. Let him make memories with your kids. With our dad it was going train chassing. He was a model railroader who loved to go out and chase trains and take pictures. I learned photography and simple math (he would quiz us on if Brie is 3 years older than I, and in ten year how old will I be, and how old will she be?) My sister learned the odd talent of counting how many cars there were on the train just by listening and her eyes closed. Weird I know. But those are my happy memories with my new dad. Loved them all.

I have 4 children, ! with my ex ! step and 2 with my husband. I don't know how it happened but we just share all of the parenting for all of the children. He is wonderful with my daughter as well as the others. My step son I love and treat like my own also. They are not "yours and mine" they are ours.

Talk about what discipline goes for what infraction so you know you are both going to say the same thing every time. You don't want to back off because you aren't sure that he'll handle the situation the way you would. Once you know that you're both on the same page, you can relax.

As a step parent, and the parent of a child with a step parent (2 actually), I can tell you every situation is different. Step parenting "my" daughter is easy... she accepts me and wants me in her life therefore she doesn't put up a fight to me parenting her. My husbands oldest however, hates me and would probably be happier if I died... that makes it really hard because she fights me on EVERYTHING and therefore runs to daddy with every little problem, which has created distrust on his part. My son is very respectful and doesn't care one way or the other if my husband parents him because he has a dad that's very involved... he sees my husband as just that, my husband... but accepts him as an adult in my house and has been taught to respect adults.
That said... don't make the mistake I made... don't force it. Let your child and your husband create a natural bond. In the mean time, lay out boundaries for all sides and be a united front... Write down the rules and expectations so both your husband and your child know what to expect because you have agreed on "what should happen" ahead of time. If you trust your husband to do the things you ask, then this will help you have peace of mind that it's being handled in a way you would approve of.
I agree with the bit about one thing at a time... ask him to pick them up from school a few days a week, or help with their homework... run them to a friends house, etc. etc... things you don't necessarily need him to do, but know he can and if he doesn't take "your route", it's ok! It's important to make him feel like a parent in the house, as well as make your child fully aware that he's a parent.

hi, from a step mom my self i will say this. when me and my hubby got married he didn't get along with his ex. at all. well after i got to now her i really liked her. anyway i became the go between. that was a long time ago. when we married it was said that mine are yours and yours are mine. we have never played favorites. i remember lining them up and they would all get a pop on the butt if it was something they all got into. do you really want your child doing things they know are wrong when you aren't around because they know they can and you won't let your husband say or do anything about it. that makes it look like your spouse has to anwser to you as the boss. it is suppose to be a partnership. my husbands ex knew how we parented and she was the same way. later we had our last 2 together and they are being raised just like all the others. when people ask how many kid i have i say 7. if they ask are the all yours i say yes. 4 by birth and 3 by blessing. and i really mean that. it really can work. if this is a person you plan to spend the rest of your life with you need to come to a place where you can parent together or you are in for a long lonely road ahead. your kids will think much more of him if you let him in on there life. witch includes discipline, play time etc. hopefully he can get along with your ex and bridge the gap as me and my husband did for each other. my husbands ex even asked to keep our now 12 year old when he was little. they call my stepchildrens mothers mom nanny and pawpaw. they even go up there sometimes on wednsday night to eat when they have their family night. i guess this sounds kind of weird but the way we see it is a child can't have to many people love them. we call my husbands ex our wife in law and her husband , husband in law. ha, ha. anyway just want to let you know it can work when you work at it. i would say first sit down with your husband with no kids around and really talk about what you expect from your kids. and go from there. how you want them disciplined and so on. good luck and god bless, mom of 7 , R.

p.s the key word is PARENT TOGETHER!

Brat M. said it very well and as a Marriage and Family Therapist I have to agree. Your husband cannot "parent" without your children's permission. He also has no legal standing over them unless he has adopted them or is a legal guardian which means he can't sign forms that require a parent signature. This does not mean he can't be a participating adult that helps with homework, getting them meals, reading to them, etc. He can apply disciplines, like a baby sitter would, but he should not be the one to define consequences on his own. The two of you need to decide on house rules but you need to be the one to introduce them to your children. Allowing the relationship to grow naturally is the best way. The age of your children and their relationship with their biological dad will play a role. Do not assume your children feel the same way about their dad and his role in their lives that you do. They have a different view of him and that needs to be honored. Good luck.

My personal opinion, EVERYONE has to be willing to allow this to happen. You, Him, and your children. A place to start, help ease him in with the little "no brainer" stuff and talk to your kids about it, dont just spring it on them; once all players, including your ex are comfortable with it then smooth sailing on a blended famiy.

A lot of important info is missing in this, like how old the kids are, how long your new husband has been in their lives, and what the role of their biological father is. But, generally speaking, start with the "everyday taking care of them things" and avoid having him discipline them when possible, at least until/unless they've really built up a parent-child relationship. Really, he should mostly be supporting you and reinforcing your parenting decisions.

Seems to me just the fact that you're asking, that you have an awareness of the situation, is half the battle. Congrats on that!

I still catch myself doing this, even after 3 years. I remember the first IEP meeting we both attended for my son. We kept accidentally interrupting ea other because we were both used to being the single parent who "took care of everything." It was a wonderful realization for me - that I could "let go" because I was now with someone who was capable, responsible, and compassionate. We have very different parenting styles, but we both care and try hard.

Sometimes when one of us starts suggesting (without realizing it) how to do something related to parenting, one of us will laugh and say, "Yeah, I've actually done that in my "past life" and it worked out fine. :-)

With my kids, however, it seems a little more problematic. I guess we were just so used to be our own little family. I recognize that when my kids come to me to sign a form or ask about going somewhere or what's next on the list of chores, it's often out of respect. Their stepdad, however, feels left out, so I'm trying to be more aware of that. In my case, I think much of it is temperament/personality related. (My kids and I are all very quiet, private people, while he is very gregarious and loud.) I thank you for bringing this up, because I do need to pay more attention to the matter.

Is part of it, for you, that asking for help with anything is difficult? I was so used to having to do everything (even when married) that I still have to consciously remind myself that it's okay, and even, a positive thing in a relationship to ask for help, whether it's something little (supervise dishwashing) or big (dealing with a problematic school scenario).

Also, I'm finding that as time goes on and the kids and their stepdad are having more experiences together without me, their relationship (and thus, his involvement in many different aspects of their lives) develops naturally.

Best wishes.

My husband is my daughters step dad but he is currently adopting her and she calls him dad shes 6 you dont say how old your child is. i had no problem letting my hunny help me out it was nice!!! he may not do it just the way i do it but he gets the job done :) you just have to let go and let him do his thing each time you feel like stepping in just step back esp if hes already in the middle of disciplining. they dont need to see mom step in every time they will think they dont have to listen to him. hope this helps

It is hard because I after having to do it all and not expecting him to do it, it is not easy to deligate. Even now that we have a child together, it is hard because I always did it all (so it doesn't just apply to being a step-parent...generally speaking we moms do most of the heavy lifting when it comes to parenting).

You have to be a unitied front and handle disagreements away from the children because if not, they will see that as a weakness to exploit and that is when trouble happens. It helps if the other bio-parent is ok w/ it, if not they can sabotage your efforts.

it is absolutely possible (and desirable) but not a good thing to force. it's probably best to let him be 'in charge' of one thing at a time, both to let him and the kids get used to it, but also to train you that you can let go. it can be anything from organizing the yard work to being the tv remote police, but start small so resentments don't grow and take it from there.
he shouldn't end up trying to take their dad's place, but he definitely needs a voice, both in his own home and as your mate.
khairete
S.