My son's father passed away when my son was only five months old. He is now five and doesn't remember him and it has only ever just been him and I. He didn't really understand he was supposed to HAVE a father because he's only ever had me. About a year ago at age four he started asking questions.
He would see his uncle playing with his cousin and ask where his daddy was.
At first I explained to him that daddy was in heaven with the angels. I told him daddy couldn't be here, but if he prayed he could talk to daddy that way. For a time that was good enough. He would make up stories about daddy having wings and what kind of buildings and animals were in heaven.
The last couple weeks he has gotten more persistent. He says he doesn't want daddy in heaven anymore and asks if daddy can come down or if he can have a pair of wings to go see him. I try to explain it's impossible, but he just doesn't understand.
I could really really use some help. How do you explain death to a child? How do I tell him he just can't see him and dad can't come back and expect him to accept that answer? I'm at the end of my rope and it's hard for him because he doesn't understand why I get so sad when he keeps asking over and over.
Any suggestions are appreciated but please, please don't be harsh about how I've handled it so far as it is a hard topic. Thank you!
Thanks to everyone for your well wishes as well as ideas. I have followed through and ordered a few books online for children on the topic that sounded like they would help. He has talked to the youth pastor at church, but didn't really understand and I think the books will help. I also loved the idea of talking to him about things his father enjoyed. Bless you all, and enjoy your thanksgiving!
You have some great answers below. I think you've done fine so far. By 5 boys are moving out of the "mommy" stage into the "daddy" stage so that's probably why it's more prominent in his mind now. You might need to enlist the help of a counselor. Death is just hard, no matter how old you are.
You have done fine so far. Do the 2 of you attend church? That will help with your belief in heaven and angels. If not, it may be too abstract.
There are tons of really good children's books that explain death. Check the library at his school or purchase some books.
He needs to understand death means forever. Dad is not coming back, but he lives in our hearts. It is ok to be sad to never have known him, but be sure to share with your son, all about him. Not all at once, but as things come up.
Example if your son has the same favorite color that dad, tell him. If you have childhood photos of dad, share them. Make sure he gets a chance to know dads side of the family and encourage them to share ther memories. Never shy away from this, instead make it matter of fact that all of you can speak and remember dad any time.
If dad loved pizza, maybe mention, wow dad also liked cheese pizza!
In kinder they usually do a unit on "families" that will be a great time to share stories.
I second ALL of the suggestions below.
I would also suggest a book called "The Fall Of Freddie the Leaf" written by Dr. Leo Buscaglia.
It is beautifully written and deals with death from a 'nature' perspective. It is beautifully illustrated as well, and perfect for your son's age and level of understanding.
Healing thoughts for you both!
B gave good sites for you to check out.
I don't know why you would think people would be harsh toward you. Death is hard to explain to children without scaring them.
Are you involved at your church? Possibly speak with someone synths church to help guide you.
Another option that might be beneficial would be a family counselor to help you and your son.
Your son deserves to know the truth and not candy coated messages. Share your experiences you had with his dad with him. Just communicate with your son.
Best wishes.
If you Google 'how to explain death of parent to 5 yr old', you'll get lots of information.
http://www.healingcenterseattle.org/children/young-childr...
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/feelings/death.html
http://childdevelopmentinfo.com/how-to-be-a-parent/commun...
http://www.babycenter.com/0_how-to-talk-to-your-kindergar...
First of all, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Secondly, don't apologize for saying what you said during your son's early years. There's nothing wrong with what you did. It's perfectly normal that, as he gets older, he's going to have more questions and need more information.
A lot of how you answer this question depends on your religious beliefs, which are so personal that it's hard to suggest answers to you. I think the links that B provided might give you a start. If you follow a particular religious tradition, you might speak with a member of the clergy of that religion or denomination. Ministers, priests, rabbis, and all other spiritual leaves deal with questions of death all the time, and they have experience in dealing with children who have lost someone.
Depending on your beliefs, it may be that your son is old enough to start to grasp the concept of there being different parts of people. There's the part you can see (the body) and the part you can't see (it may be too hard to explain "soul" but maybe he can understand the rest: the thoughts, the personality, the emotions). You can see the person's smile but you can't see their happiness. You can see them hug someone but you can't see love. Maybe it would help to explain that there were different aspects to his father - the body, and the intangibles. Perhaps you can start to explain that there is no body for Dad to occupy so there is no way for him to come back, because what is left is the thoughts and the love.
It may also help to start showing him that there are many types of families - not all families have a dad, not all have a mom. Some don't have either - the grandparents raise the kids. IF you are comfortable, you can tell him about friends of his who have 2 mommies or 2 daddies. There are adoptive families with no bio conniption t the kids. There are divorces and deaths.
The main thing is to find a series of explanations that you can share over the years as he gets older and has a greater capacity to understand as well as a greater need for more sophisticated answers. Make sure that these answers meet your beliefs and aren't just answers that you think will satisfy him.
It's okay to get some counseling around this, either for yourself or for your son. Good luck.
I think you are already doing the right thing. Just keep talking. It is okay to cry.
You just have to be firm and explain that he won't be coming back to earth.
My daughter recently watched Heaven is for real. She prayed and prayed that her cousin would come back because she was too young to go. I had to tell her without hesitation, she is not coming back.
It's hard, I know, but he will get it and accept it.
My daughter is 11 and is still asking a lot of questions about the brother she never met. (He died before she was born).
Also, I think it is okay if he sees you sad about this...it is sad and you were both cheated.
Keep doing what you are doing and make sure he knows that if there was any possible way to see his daddy you would do it but something's are just impossible. (IE...No matter how badly you want to jump over your house you can't do it, no matter how hard you try to pick up your car you simply can't do it because it is impossible).
Sending you strength and peace.
So sorry for your loss.
I would give your son a picture of his dad so he can see him and let him talk to his dad via the picture. I would just explain it as simply as possible but honestly. This is probably something you will be continually explaining to him as he gets older, the older he gets the more he will understand.
I have always explained death to my daughter since we lost my FIL and my older brother. I always let her know that people/animals don't physically live forever but a part of them does go on.
What a sad situation--I'm so sorry A.. You've received great suggestions so I will only add one more resource, a wonderful book called "Lifetimes: the beautiful way to explain death to children" by Brian Mellonie. We used this with our son when he was three and a preschool family's baby died from SIDS. It's very simple and allows families to teach their own spiritual belief.
I am reading all the answers and they are wonderful. God bless you for taking such good care of your son. I don't have any extra advice. But you in my book are a wonderful mom. So sorry you had to go through this before.
Unfortunately, his brain is not fully developed yet and the part of the brain that fully understands death does not develop until late teens/early 20's. So no matter what you say, he won't truly, fully understand. But I think you are doing a good job and just have to keep telling him daddy is in heaven, and in his heart but that daddy cannot come back. Explain that part in terms like another poster suggested - we can't pick up our car; we can't jump over our house.
I raised my daughter as a single mom and the years between 4 - 8 were really hard. At 4 she started realizing that other kids had a dad at home and wondered where hers was. It is very h*** o* everyone!
I love all these answers. I needed to read these.
We've had to deal with serious illness and death in our family as well, and I don't feel like I am wise enough to know what to say most of the time. I think I have had the best luck rephrasing my son's questions so that he answers them himself. When he asks what heaven is like, then I ask him what he thinks. When he asks if his grandpa can come back, I ask him what he thinks, etc. I feel best about the conversations where he does the most talking, not me.
I wish you all the best.
