In Need on a Book Dealing with Death of a Grandparent

"The Next Place" by Warren Hanson is an excellent. The book does specifically use the words dead or death, but rather speaks to thougths of comfort. Some of Hanson's lines are "The next place that I go won't really be a place at all. There won't be any seasons - winter, summer, spring or fall -" "My skin will not be dark or light. I won't be fat or tall. The body I once lived in won't be part of me at all" "I will travel empty-handed ... except the love of all who loved me..." Rainy Day Books, Fairway, Kansas ###-###-####) typically carries this excellent book. Thank you.

I found a wonderful book to help my kids when my brother passed away 4 years ago. My girls were 9 & 3 at the time. The book is called The Next Place by Warren Hanson. They found it very comforting & the illustrations are amazingly beautiful. They still get the book out & read it & ask about their Uncle Mike. I must admit, it was also a great comfort to me. I truly reccommend this book for any age.

First off, thank you for not trying to hide this life event from your little one. I have friends who have not taken the kids to the funeral, slided over the fact that a beloved relative died, and sort of let the person fade in the kids memory 'out of not wanting to traumatize the child."

With my children, I told them straight-up (in a gentle way) who had died and how (not graphic), answered their questions. . . five year olds will both amaze you at their grasp of these things and make you wonder if they truly understand. . . all at the same time.

For the visitation and funerals, I told them beforehand (in sequence) what would happen. I told them how people may be acting, like being real quiet and hushed, crying, etc. I told them how to act, quiet and hushed.

At the visitation, I gave them a choice of how close, if at all, they wanted to go to the casket to view their relative. Usually, by the end of the visitation, they went close to say their 'good-bye for now.'

If they acted like they were going to touch the relative, as they had seen others do at the visitation, I would warn them that the relative would feel very cold. Of course, this always involved a gentle explanation of why the hand was cold. Hope I'm not too graphic for you.

I found some books on Amazon.com (below) that can get to your house by tomorrow if you order fast. Or, I would call a major bookstore in your area, like Borders, and ask for their selection on this subject.

My prayers are with you. Hope all goes well.

www.Amazon.com:

"Thank You, Grandpa" by Lynn Plourde and Jason Cockroft (Hardcover - Mar 24, 2003) $5.02 - $12.4735 Used & new.
Get it by Friday, Sep 12 if you order in the next 8 hours and choose one-day shipping. Excerpt - page 8: "... One day, they found a grasshopper lying still. Too still. "Grandpa, is it dead?" s y.. t. ~ "Yes, child, it is." "What can ..."

"A Candle for Grandpa: A Guide to the Jewish Funeral for Children and Parents" by et al David Techner (Hardcover - Jul 1, 1993) $0.02 - $13.95. Get it by Friday, Sep 12 if you order in the next 8 hours and choose one-day shipping.
Eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping.
Excerpt - page 1: "... life, even by the hest doctors. I couldn't believe that Grandpa was dead. I didn't want to believe it. ..."

Hello L.,
First, let me say that I am very sorry for your daughter's loss - and for yours. It is very sad that she has to become aware of death at such a young age. I lost my father when I was 9, and my mother at 14, so I was introduced very early to death. The one book I remember really helping me was called "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" by Leo Buscaglia. Even after all of these years, the name of that book is the one that is really imprinted on my brain. I don't know if you can get it before the service, but I highly recommend it for her emotional health anyway. Children rarely vocalize all of their thoughts about what is happening when someone dies because all of the adults are already sad. This book gave me a chance to cry on my own, and also was a tool to help me start a converstation with my guardian on what was happening.

My best to you and your daughter,
D.

I posted a question identical to this back in May/June. My dh's grandmother passed away. We chose at the time not to tell my son (4) about the death since he wasn't very close to the great-grandma. However, over time, we decided if he brought her up in conversation, we would tell him. Within the past 3 weeks, we were driving past the hospital where she had been and he had been to visit her. He said he wanted to go see her. I politely turned around and talked to him and told him that we couldn't go to see her because she had died. He asked if she went to heaven and I told him that she did. He didn't ask any more questions and we didn't go any further into detail. Kids this age (from my experience and from the other moms on here) don't understand what death is, so it's not nearly as traumatic to them as it would be to us. However you decide to handle it, I wish you the best! I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.

I'm so sorry about Great Grandpa. I've always found the Public Library should be a good resource. S.

L.-
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Our family went through the same thing right at Christmas time last year. My husbands grandfather passed away and both my husband and my son who is now 4 1/2 were very close with Big PAPA. We would go visit him at least twice a week if not more and take our baseball bat and ball and play in the back yard. My husband and I went to the visitation and then I went and picked up my children and took them home so that my husband could attend the funeral. I have two small ones 4, and 2. We talked to our son about Big PAPA going to live with GOD and asked him if he would like to give Big PAPA one of his baseballs (after he signed it) to take up to heaven with him so that he could teach everyone how to play. Even though he was very young at the time he remembers his Big PAPA and he says good night to him almost every night. My daughter was to young to really remember him so that isn't an issue there, she was only 1 at the time. I did not want to take my children to the funeral or visitation (and I took ALOT of &^&%&%^& from the mother in law) because I didn't want that to be the last vision that they had in their heads of their Big PAPA, I wanted them to remember him happy and smiling and playing and of course sneaking them candy!!
I hope that this helps even if it is only a little bit, he never gives us more than we can handle in our lives.
T.

I personally liked Maria Shrivers book, "What's Heaven?" and "Where Did Grandpa Go?" by Cara Scanlon. Of course, you could just go to your local bookstore and pick one or two books that are applicable...Amazon listed nearly 5,000.

I think you did right in not telling her before she left for school. Having dealt with this with my children, I packed an activity bag for them because, YES the visitation will be grueling...but it doesn't need to be for the kids. The kids will be sad, she (your daughter) will see that other people are sad, but I don't think you really want her to dwell on that for an entire night. There is usually another room that family members can retire to to get a break...set her up in there with coloring books, snacks, games, etc. If there are other cousins, etc. plan for them too...the other adults will be greatful and you will be greatful for someone else helping to entertain your children (other kids) and take their minds off of death for a little while.

Depending on your beliefs you may want to look at some of the guardian angel books...but again, that is based on your beliefs and how she responds...no matter what you do, know that it will be right. Only YOU and your husband know your children need and what is best for them...go with your instincts. Good luck.

There is a book called "Grandpa's Slide Show" by Deborah Gould. We read it with my kids grandma died. Good luck.

Chris

I have discovered the Public Librarian to be an unlimited source of information on books of every topic imaginable.

I am sorry about Great Grandpa. I actually stumbled on this book at Borders one day and had to buy it. We are Christians and the book caught my eye, I figured that one day it would come in handy. It is called "Tell Me About Eternity" by Joel Anderson. It combines birth and death, as two separate topics it shows that life continues and that there is hope. There are questions and answers at the end of the book and great illustrations.

I Guess the first question I need to ask is...are you a Christian and was your Husbands Grandfather a Christian because that would make all the difference in the world in how you would answer that question for your little girl.
I am a Christian...so I will share with you how I would handle the question ( and how I have handled it in the past). I would start out by honestly telling my daughter that we are sad, that we will miss Grandpa and that it is ok to cry or be sad herself. Then I would dwell on the positive aspects of it that now Grandpa is in Heaven with God, that he isnt hurting anymore, that he is going to be there forever, and how happy he is right now.
I know one of the hardest questions that I had to answer for my then 6 year old daughter when my Father died was how she could still "see" Grandpa in the casket after I told her that Grandpa had gone to heaven to be with God. Our Pastor gave me the PERFECT explanation that I have used again and again in the past 28 years....
We used the illustration of a Cicada..... when a Cicada sheds it's skin...the shell that it leaves behind looks exactly like a Cicada...but it isnt really. The real Cicada has moved on and we cant see it anymore. So...what she was seeing in the casket was Grandpa's "shell"...it really seemed to explain things to her in a way that she could understand. We also emphasized that she was going to see Grandpa again, when she got to heaven.
I looked on Amazon.com and they have a number of books on death for children.... you could look there and then take a list of the books to your library and see what they have.
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw?url=search-alias%3Ds...

My condolences to your husband on the loss of his Grandfather...it is never easy...no matter how expected it is.
R. Ann

Dear L.,
Wish, I knew of a book. I was the same age when I lost my grandfather and then 3 months later my aunt, both my favorite.
I would give your daughter a heads up on all the feelings that she is going to have. We all feel sad, angry, numb, scared, hopeful, we even feel happy that we had the time that we had and we also regret the moments that we won't. It is okay to ask questions. This is our life cycle and it is in everyones future. That is why the dash between the D.O.B and D.O.D is what matters most our lives and what we give to others, our selves.
Something you can do... have her write a letter, draw a picture and send it to him by balloon. Another suggestion is don't stop buying birthday, or Christmas gifts find someone to give it to in his honor. There are many in nursing homes that are, sad to say forgotten. It is the most rewarding thing to give a gift on these days. Maybe to soon this year but next do something in their name... It brings life to others. You see it in their faces. It tells them that they matter. I am sorry for your loss my you use this wisely to teach life and how precious it is.

I'm sorry for your loss. We just lost my dad's brother, and my 3 year old son was pretty close to him. Keeping it simple worked for me. He knew that Uncle Jack had been sick for a long time. I explained that Uncle Jack died, so he will be in heaven with God from now on. He won't be sick anymore, we are just so sad because we will miss him here. (I also used the Land Before Time and the Lion King for examples.) Without rambling, I'll just say that I'm so proud of my guy for how well he seemed to understand.

There's a book about a leaf named Freddie. I can't remember the title. But it's a cute book, and shows that death is a natural part of life in a way that children can understand and not be frightened by. There's also many other books, too, but I really liked that one. Go to the library and ask a librarian... I'm sure that could point you in the right direction as well. Good luck!

God Bless you at this difficult time. Above all, be honest and tell them what is going to happen, leave no surprises. I don't know where you are but if you are in the St. Charles, MO area Baue funeral homes has alot of pamphlets, etc., they even offer classes for kids.

we have recently went through this with our family. We have a 4 1/2 year old. We did not take him to either the funeral or visitation. we felt like that would be too much for him to comprehend. so we sat him down and we just said "great grandpa went to live with Jesus. His work on earth was done and now God and Jesus have important work for him to do in heaven." and we think he understood. he said "I think that is great, will they have work for me to do when I get older?" and we told him "of course they will, but you will be much older before they need your help"....he was happy that grandpa got to do important work and we did not have to deal with him being upset because others were upset or worry about him asking a thousand questions about why people were upset or whatever. we have had 3 deaths in the past year, so we have had to tell him this several times. Each time we try to not look upset or cry we try to keep it upbeat and how exciting it is for the grandparents to get to work with Jesus. :) Hope this helps. Would love a follow up.

I am sorry for your lose. I would call a family meeting and tell them the truth and then tell them he was old and he had a full life and this is part of Gods plan. Ask how they feel and let them know it's okay to be sad but to celebrate his life because he was such a great part if yours. Ask them to think of the best memory and hold onto that. Even write it down. Explain that grandpa and daddy may be sad to because they will miss him but they too will celebrate the times of his life. Good luck God bless. Kids handle this better than we do.

There is a book called Nana upstairs, Nana Downstairs. It amy be out of print, but you might be able to find it a your local library. It's about 2 Nana's living with a child and his parents and how each of them one day are no longer there. I hope it helps, if you can get your hands on a copy. Also, you may want to call your child's school and talk to the librarian, they mey have something in your school library as well.

I am not sure about a good book yet, but my piece of advice is to just make sure you take her to the fineral and visitation, as it sounds like you plan to. My paternal grandfather passed away when I was 6 in first grade and my maternal grandfather when I was 7 in second grade, both due to cancer. My paternal grandmother refused to allow my parents to bring me to the funeral or visitation and to this day I feel regret and anger sometimes because I never got to say goodbye, whatever my method might have been. My maternal grandmother did however want us there and I have memories of my younger sister (who is more outspoken sometimes) looking under the coffin sheet to see if Granddad had on his moccasins, which he always wore when we were trying to "beat him up on Saturday mornings". We can still laugh about that now and remember other things about Granddad, I do not have that with Pa-Pa, although I do still have good memories of being his "dolly" or his big hugs, sometimes it is not the same. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And I think we do need to give little ones a chance to understand, grieve, and say goodbye.
I hope this helps. If I think of a book I will get back on today and add it for you. I also send out our sympathy and prayers in your time of need and grief.
L.