In Laws Buying to Many Gifts for the Kids

Why not suggest the next thing she buy for each kid is a big piggy bank, and then when they come visit she can give the kids saved up pocket change for the week to 'feed the pig'? When my son finds change, he still calls it pig food and we've had to give him several piggy banks since his "pigs" are so well "fed". I know she wants to see the kids play with toys. How about toys she gives stays at Grandma's house? So they will be there to play with next time (and if she keeps buying new toys, it's going to be her problem to store them all). When her closet space is crammed with toys, she'll suddenly understand one of the major problems with constant gift giving. In warmer weather, gifts that get used up are great (like small bottles of bubbles and side walk chalk).

my MIL does that too. I finally just started saying that it was very nice that she had a new toy that she could play with AT GRANDMAS and stopped bringing them home. lol.

I would focus on the children's behavior rather than the grandmother's. If the child does not act appropriately grateful, address that issue - immediately remove toy, send to room, whatever. I've learned the hard way you cannot change the relatives' behavior - just keep expecting the correct behavior from your own children.

Well, since your MIL works at a Goodwill....keep a box of toys so that she brings things, the kids play with them for a week and then they go in the box for Grandma to take back to the Goodwill.
This will teach your kids that when you have so many toys, to get some you have to give some away to other children.
Now, if it's special birthday or Christmas, that might be different, but if she's bringing used toys, Grandma shouldn't have a problem with recycling in the other direction as well.
Every weekend she comes, just have a box ready for her to take back with her.
That will give her an idea of just how much stuff she brings, your daughter doesn't appreciate the stuff anyway, so just get a routine. She brings, it stays a week, then it goes back.

Include clothes and shoes that your kids outgrow too. When Grandma has to help deal with the overflow, she will likely understand it's time to cut down.

Just a thought.

You have two situations here.

The more serious one is that your daughter has developed this attitude!

No matter what a gift is, who gives it, or how often, she needs to have manners enough to be thankful and say so, even at four years of age. It would also be nice if she had a heart that went along with the words.

So that's the first thing to deal with. If the attitude is not right, there needs to be a consequence. Work on thankfulness for everything, whether from your MIL or from any other source.

You want to be sure to model this as well, expressing your thanks both for what your daughter does for you and for what anyone else does. "Guess what just happened? Mrs. Jones up the street had too much orange juice in her fridge, and she knew we like orange juice, so she brought us a bottle. Wasn't that kind of her? I need to write her a little thank-you. Maybe you could help me take it up to her house."

Then deal with Grandma. "I love your heart for your grandchildren, but right now there's a problem! Susie has a poor attitude about the things you bring her - she's started thinking she's entitled to them and you've seen how she behaves when she isn't happy with what you bring. Yes, I'm thankful it doesn't hurt your feelings, but it's important for me to fix the attitude now so it doesn't grow into something worse. So for the next month, when you come, would you PLEASE just bring your love and not a present? It will help so much, and I'll keep you posted on how this all turns out."

Grandma might have a hard time doing this. It could be that being able to give something material is a big thing to her. So make her feel as special as you can. It won't hurt you, and it will help her.

When Susie gets back to being her usual thankful, happy self, you might suggest to Grandma that if she brings a present - every three weeks or so at most - she bring a book? Thrift stores often have marvelous old children's books, and it's fine to read a second-hand book and then either pass it on or keep it to read again.

I'm both a grandma and a Goodwill shopper, so I identify with this situation - that is, I hope I don't identify with it too much! Maybe I'd better ask my grandchildren's parents!

I understand completely. Some people will say, grandparents shold get to spoil and within reason I agree. But not to the point that it interferes with your values or makes your job harder. Well, it sounds like you and your husband need to bring it up again. No offense intended, but are your sure your husband was clear? My husband has a tendency to mess up the message sometimes.

Another thought. Next time you are in the presense of your mother-in-law or even if she isn't there, you need to say to your child something like, "Grandma and Grandpa have been very genera=ous with their gifts, but that she should not expect something every visit." And then if they do it again, say "thank you, but we expect this will be the last gift" in front of your daughter. But you will have to be willing to follow through and not accept more gifts. Perhaps, you could ask your inlaws to start a toybox or play area for your daughter at their house. That way, MIL can collect to her heart's content but it is more for her own pleasure when the children come over and not really a gift. Not a direct response to the main issue, but maybe a way to soften the blow.

WOW your MIL is really trying to show how much she loves the kids! Maybe she's making up for something- not being able to afford much for your husband when he was little or not being able to show love with time and affection???? Have you tried suggesting they keep the toys at MIL house for kids to play with while visiting, my mother enjoys buying stuff at rummage sales to keep at her house for visits. My MIL also has toys at her house for visiting grandchildren. I wonder if anyone will have a good idea to change your MIL behavior? It is hard to change an adults behavior. It sounds like you may not be able to change her and will have to find a place to donate toys, turn it into a lesson for your kids. Every month they choose 4 items to give to children who don't have a lot. (organization to help homeless or a daycare in a poor area) Or have a yard sale and send the money to an overseas orphanage, explaining how these children have few toys. so they can understand they are lucky to have so many toys and there are children who don't..

I didn't read the other answers, but I'm sure she's showing her love - sometimes the grandparents can't help it. They see something that reminds them of the kiddos and self control goes flying out the window.

I know it's tough, but maybe if you talk about it, she might like the idea of putting the $ she spends on the gifts into a savings account for the kids. Gradually invest it for their education or something? And she could make cookies, or get one of those educational/creative toys to play with AT her house - that way, the kids could make something FOR her that you could leave with them, and maybe everyone could even do it together.

Good luck!

We say "oh, it's nice that you'll have this toy to play with at Grandma's house!" Let her house fill up with the toys and clutter and she'll quit soon enough.

Tell her yourself that you appreciate her wanting to shower the kids with gifts all the time, but that you really want to raise your kids wanting to see grandma because they want to see HER, not because they're going to get another toy! That may make a light bulb go off in her head. Nicely let her know that a sometimes surprise is fine, but the abundance of toys is getting to be overwhelming. Maybe suggest that if she wants to do something special, to bake a favorite dessert, cookies or something the kids like and will look forward to having at Grandma's on Sunday afternoons.

I used to buy too much for my sisters kids. She was always asking me not to, but I liked to, and had the money. What finally sank it in for me was each time I gave her son a gift, she made him give it or an equally valued toy away to salvation army. One day I showed up at her house and all the Christmas presents I had given the kids were out on the porch waiting to be picked up. I was hurt, and she taught me not to give them anything anymore. The kids always give either their Christmas and birthday presents away, or all their old toys away to keep the new presents and I think they have learned a lot about sharing and giving.

http://www.amazon.com/Berenstain-Bears-Gimmies-First-Book...

I just joked with my MIL about it, "you know your grandson is starting to expect gifts, you wouldn't want him to turn into one of THOSE kids...*laugh*." She still gets him the occasional gift but nothing like it used to be. I also encouraged her to keep some of the toys in her toy box so he could look forward to playing with the special toys at grandma's house. Also if my son needs something (clothes or shoes) I let her know because she enjoys buying things for him and she feels like she is helping.

I didn't read responses, but what I do when my son (2yrs) has too many toys, is rotate them. I'll stick some up in the closet out of sight and bring it out a month or two later, putting one toy of equal size/playfun away in it's place. The kid feels like he's got a new toy again. Never a dull time.

And even if she gets the gift, you can tell her that she can't play with it until mommy says so. Say that in FRONT of your MIL and perhaps she'll realize that you are serious.

My mother does this, but not to this extent. Sit her down and have a conversation. Tell her that your house is just too full of toys, so whatever she buys them needs to stay at her house. That slowed my mom down.

THEN, I have a yearly garage sale....guess what I sell? LOL She stopped buying them so much when she found out I sell 90% of what she gave that year and now gives them toys periodically when they come over to her house. She doesn't even bring them to our house anymore!!!! Once she gives them to me, she knows she has NO say in where they end up.

We have a cubical organizer with fabric boxes in it. 95% of the toys are in it. If they get too full, I start throwing things in the box for our garage sale. My house never gets cluttered and the kids know where to find a ball - in the ball box. A car? In the car box.

Draw a line and she'll either respect it or not, but you have full final decision over what happens with them....AND I promise, the gratefulness will return. ;)

My MIL gives the kids a shirt or toy and then gives a check for their saving's account on special events. She's been to a garge sale I've had - everything is $1 and that included a large room fan in perfect condition. She almost had a heart attack. It's not about the money for me, but keeping my house in order, so everyone can relax and find their things.

We really struggled with this as well but before we had kids. My MIL would give us SOOO many gifts that it made me really uncomfortable, often very lavish, expensive ones. When my son was born, they came to visit us in SF (from Chicago). Every day when she came to visit she brought 5+ gifts. It was getting out of control. My husband really had to lay down the law and express that for special occasions, we wanted no more than two gifts. And so far she has done her best to honor that. I think it may take another conversation bet your husband and her and then potentially a nice one between you and her. If you express to her that it is making your daughter ungrateful she may be able to curb her enthusiasm. I know it's hard, but I try to think of it as "she doesn't know what else to do w/her excitement". The other thing you could ask her to do, is to keep what she gets in a basket at her house, and not present them as gifts--so they are special toys that are only played with at Grandma's house. Best of luck!

So.....here's a spin.....to teach gratitude, you have to model gratitude. I get that you're frustrated and want folks to mold to your ways, but that isn't likely, nor is it worth the frustration. Acceptance is key. There are no rules to gift giving, if you want support in other ways, speak directly to her to see if you both can come to an agreement that supports her weekly gift giving, and your ideas around gifts.

S.

perhaps you could suggest to your MIL that your children's rooms are becoming too overcrowded with all the toys and that you are even going to go through them and donate some to her Goodwill store and that perhaps if she wants to get the kids something, whatever it is should stay at her house so they have it there to play with as their rooms simply cannot hold another toy!

Greetings S., I have to say that as the mother of 5 and now a Grandmother I really learned from this question.
I have been blessed to still have some of each child's toys and often will give their children something of theirs. It has been really fun and given us memory time. But I am great at giving things that are educational like Vegie Tales or Planet Earth video. My children al live within 2 hours of one another so they often trade among themselves.
But something you might consider is a shelter of some type, or a church that is raising funds and having a yard sale. I know that for us we have even gotten together many families and had a Bring and Trade night and what ever is left over goes to a thrift store. So glad you asked this question so I am very careful what I do.

I do understand how you fell and it is a challenge to instill gratefulness in a four year old. I am curious if you have older children who can help set the standard? When my kids were little(now 18, 14 and 11) my parents could not help themselves on the weekends.....they would go out to buy bath towels and end up with baby dolls and puzzels. After feeling frustrated for awhile I realized that it was bringing such joy to my parents to be able to give freely to their grandchildren. Easier for them than it was while raising their own family. We did work out some basic guide lines and my children learned to see the excitement in their grandparents eyes as they gave them a small gift. I am glad I did not hurt my parents feelings by telling them No more! Instead I worked with my children so they could learn to be good receivers and good gift givers. The appliances at my parents home were always covered with snap shots and drawings my children would give to my parents on the weekends, when we visited! I wanted to share this because we lost my mom to a an agressive cancer 10 months ago. I am happy with the way I handles this situation and my kids have such wonderful memories of their childhood grandparent time. They know they were given alot and they are grateful!
Good luck to you! I am sure your children are wonderful !

The last poster was spot on. The only thing I would suggest is that you tell her also that the kids are overwhelmed with stuff at your house so from now on anything she gets will be staying at her house for them to play with there. that way she will realize how much stuff is piling up that she is bringing. The idea of asking for books is a great one. Books are the one thing I always encouraged the grandparents to bring.

How about rotating the toys, everytime they bring something, you give them something to take back to their Goodwill store. Have your children participate, as they can, in picking out something they don't need anymore, that they don't play with anymore and someone else might like better. That way the learn the joy of giving and keep their toys to a manageable amount so that they can appreciate what they have better.

I do agree, receiving toys every week is a bit much and contributes to their inability to appreciate, be thankful, and tendency to expect/demand something and possibly become spoiled brats.

Maybe instead of asking your in laws to NOT bring gifts, you could have a chat with them and ask for advice about your concerns - ie, daughter not being as grateful/appreciative as she has been, having an expectation for a gift each time, etc. And ask them what the best solution they thought would be? (Framing the question/discussion in such a way that it is not throwing the blame on them, but a desire to raise sweet appreciative children/grandchildren...)

See, your in laws probably are thinking... it doesn't cost us anything, it's not a 'real' gift (of course your kiddos don't know the difference) and it's just a way of entertaining them for the evening, showing our love, etc. It shows they've been thinking of your children during the week as they go through the items that come into their store and pick something out for their grandkids. So to tell them not to do this... it's difficult to change their habits. Figure out a better alternative, with their input. Keep reminding them nicely.

You've already received a lot of great advice - the only thing I'd add is to let Grandma know that as much as you appreciate her generosity with the toys, a far more lasting and unique gift would be the stories and memories she can share with her grandchild. Maybe she and your daughter could even start a memory book together - esp. if there are some childhood photos of your spouse that she could make copies of and tell your daughter about ("And this picture is from your dad's 4th birthday party, he loved getting Legos")