Long story short:
My daughter was born back in April. My first week back (June) to work we had family watch her due to my sitter was not available to start until the next week. My MIL as asked on Sunday night if she wanted to come to the house on Friday and watch the baby. It was only for a few short hours due to my husband works nights so it was just until he got some sleep. She said yes and I told her if for any reason she might back out...please tell me ASAP. On Thursday night at 9PM she called to tell me that my 14 year old sister in law was not feeling well and she could not come on Friday morning. She said she did not want to leave her alone. I ended up finding a friend to watch my daughter. On Friday I spoke with her and she said that she thought it ended up just being cramps on Thursday night and they were out shopping. UGGGGGG. Well, to say the least...my husband had a conversation with her and she ended up hanging up on him. He called her back and told her that all was over and not to try to call us back again. Well, up until August we did not hear from her. Then...a friend of ours mothers died so my husband thought he should try to mend things. No response from them at all. Then one day he went to pick up my stepson and stopped by her house. I was not happy about it cause I dont want my daughter growing up with a grandma who is in and out of her life like that. Well, I decided as long as I did not have to have any contact with her then my husband could do what he wanted since it was his mom. She knows that I am still upset and has made no effort to call and work things out with me at all. Nor has she called my husband to check on the baby since that day at their house. Well, he called a bit ago and said that his mom was going to come to MY house tomorrow to watch the baby so he can go with my dad to play golf. I dont want her in my house, I dont want her having anything to do with my daughter. I grew up with a grandma like that and my life sucked when it came to them. Why would I want that for my daughter? My thoughts are that if he wants to have stuff to do with his mom...then it should be at her house on their time. Not at my house and not putting my daughter in the middle of it that way. I just dont know how to handle this situation. I am not one to give in cause I have done that too many times and refuse to do it anymore to just make the situations go away! Help me!!!!
Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I appreciate them more than you know. I do want to make sure that everyone understands that each time I let her come back into the picture...she turns around and does something just like this again and again. This time the difference is...that I have a daughter to think about. Before, it was mainly just my husband and I. I am going to just sleep on it and then my husband and I are going to sit down over the weekend and talk about this and figure it all out. I cant spend the rest of my life mad!
Is this whole arguments because she backed out of babysitting or is there more to this story? IF it is only the babysitting thing, then wouldnt't it be easier to let them back into your lives (you guys are the ones who told her to stay out and she did) and just not depend on her to babysit? If there are other issues, probably the only way to solve it is to speak with both your husband and your mil and establish any boundaries you want.
I can relate to you, I have a horrible relationship with my grandmother. (It sounds just like her situation) I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but you did ask for opinions (please do not take this the wrong way) She is not only your daughter but your husbands as well. The only person you would be "punishing" by not letting your MIL be a part of your daughter life is your daughter. You certainly do not want your daughter growing up and resenting you because you deprived her of seeing her grandmother, do you? On the other hand I can see how you do not want her to deal with the drama. At her age there is no way that she could know what a pain your MIL is being or how her actions are wrong, all she knows is that people love her. A baby can never have to much love! If your MIL is as bad as she sounds, which I am sure she is if and your husband were upset, then your daughter will grow up to realize that herself. This will make your daughter realize that your MIL is not a good person by your MIL actions, not your or by hearing you/your express your opinions. Obviously if she is verbally abusing, speaking badly about you or your husband, or physically abusing your daughter than I would not let her see her but I feel like you need to give her an opportunity to see her grandchild.
My MIL can be a nightmare at times but one thing I have learned is that if I speak badly about her my husband is in the middle and makes him feel uncomfortable. I do not want my husband to resent me for feeling badly about his mother, so at time I just take what she says with a grain of salt. What I have come to realize is that people are they way that they are and there is nothing that I can do/say to change them, so I cannot worry about them only myself and my family. What I am saying is let your MIL weed herself out of the family, don't take it into your hands, it will only cause conflict with your hubby and your daughter later in life.
First, get control and keep it by not getting emotionally confrontational. After you've slept on it, bypass your husband and call her and thank her for her kind offer, but tell her you've got it handled and do not bite if she tries to argue. Do not answer any calls from her until you have yourself prepared to take a firm upper hand. I agree that every effort should be made to have a functional family for the sake of the kids, but you should be in control and lay down the rules. That is retribution enough for most. She might not like you, but she will have to respect you. Just depriving most grandparents from their grandkids is a huge attention-getter!
Good luck to you,
C. S.
I'm not sure I understand. You all got that upset over babysitting????? You do realize that taking care of your baby is your responsibility right? There HAS to be more to this story, or I would say that you and your husband not only overreacted, but you owe your Mother in law an apology. Please tell us that there is more to this story....more detail please.
I completely understand where you are coming from - and I am sure that there is a laundry list of incidents over the years! I can only give you the advice that I just recently took myself. We cannot control the behavior of others...much as we may want to. Hate and anger can totally consume your life if you don't learn to forgive - I am by no stretch of the imagination telling you to forget, but forgive her inexcusable behaviors and move on. Take control of the situation by not allowing her to make the decisions on when, where and how your contact with her goes. I let caller id be my friend and I screen my calls for those times when I can deal well with my MIL. Needless to say - it doesn't happen often. Also, I actually prefer to have her on my turf - I can control the environment better that way. My husband gets frustrated but both of his parents are older and in poor health and I think he just wants to make a little effort. I make sure it is on our terms and that it is what is convenient for us. We have only been to her house once in the last 18 months and I imagine it will be some time before we go there again. I do however invite her for special family events from time to time, but we make sure to let her know that if she comes great, if not, no big deal.I limit the kids contact with her as we do NOT agree on parenting styles and I NEVER let her babysit. She complained once to me that we sent too many pictures and since then I have not sent one single picture. She is a very negative person and I have just decided not to let her make me be the same way. I set ground rules about the kids and I am there to ensure that they are followed. I can tell you that for a while she really treid to start fights between my husband and I, but all it did was to unite us even stronger. My in-laws didn't even come to our wedding because she couldn't have her way with where we were having it. Let her dig her own grave - keep it simple, don't argue, but be firm and lay down ground rules. Make sure that you and your husband are on the same page. Don't put him in the middle, but don't let him put you in uncomfortable situations either. Good luck - I really do believe that this is the trickiest relationship for a woman to have.
I can relate to where you're coming from....in May of 2006 my MIL came for a visit with her stepdaughter and 2 stepgrandchildren....it was a nightmare ...she stormed out of my home and it was months before we heard from her again. Long story short...after several attempts to be civil with her so that she could be a grandmother to our daughter, she basically told my husband and I that we were 100% wrong, she was 100% right and it was her way or no way. We thanked her and told her that until she could be polite to us...bye. It's now been 6 months or so...we have not heard from her and our daughter has pretty much forgotten about her.
My point is this - it took my hubby and I some serious talking to get onto the same page and stand up for what we wanted for our family. It sounds like you and your hubby may need to sit down and do some talking, get on the same page and develop a plan of action, otherwise it appears he's going to make the decisions for both of you.
Best of success
C.
