In-law issues...am I Being Unreasonable?

I would say bite the bullet and invite him out to dinner in a public place. That way if anything is said to make you uncomfortable you can get up and leave. Since the MIL and SFIL are "ok" right now, I think I would just stay in a hotel to be on the safe side that way you can determine how much time you spend with them.

I hope you get the true advice that the Lord will provide. I am sure you will get many and pray it will help, if nothing else it is good to get things like this off your chest and not vent to the husband always about his family. In my experiences there are always three stories; his, hers and the truth. First advice is to pray as a couple about the trip, then in regards to the SFIL visiting the Lord will close the door or allow it to be open, He works in His timing so you might not know that true answer until you get there. I will leave it at that. God Bless and direct you.

OK - that's just a mess. But coming from a complete outsider's POV I wouldn't tell MIL that he couldn't come over for dinner - it's just one dinner, and you and your husband will both be there to ensure that he behaves around your kids. And let MIL know that you will just get up and leave if he doesn't.

If I were your husband I'd want to have quite a talk with the guy anyway about SFIL's treatment of his mother.

Good luck!

That was a mouthfull but well written. I too can not STAND my inlaws. Lucky for me neither can my husband, but the few times I have had to have contact with them has been at the request of my husband and I being the loving wife I am stand by him while biting my teeth and smiling. The real question is......is it important to your husband and does he feel his step father could do harm. If he's sure no then I say you go and stay there and hate every min of it with a smile on your face to show how much better your marriage is. If he has doubt himself about the safety of your family then I dont feel there is another answer then to not stay there. Follow your heart. It will tell you the right thing to do. Btw I read your about me section. How far apart are your children? They seem about the same distance as mine.
Hope to hear from you soon.
If you like you can e-mail me at ____@____.com so we dont have to go through here.
Have a great night
~T.

Goodness gracious!
Don't go! Follow your gut -- it is often God's way of relaying discernment about a situation.
Just Say No!

OOOO! Poor you! I hate to hear such sticky situations, but here is my 2 cents...

I can tell you believe in God, and I believe He gave mothers that "INTUITION" for a reason, so trust it. He may be guiding you to make the right decision, by making you think twice about the visit. If I had those feelings, I would definitely stick to NOT getting too close to SFIL, though I am sure my husband (dear that he is) would try to sugar coat things and make me second guess my instincts.

Anyway, maybe you should pray on it a couple more nights and see how you feel then.

Best wishes! I will say a little prayer for you, too.

:)

Ok, I read the other responses after posting mine, so it appears most of us agree to trust you God-given intuition. But I wanted to say that just because I know my husband would sugar coat the situation, that we do not have any marital problems. (Weird thought if you ask me.) I just know he is very opptomistic, and if he has any 'intuitive' feelings, he doesn't have them with the same fierceness as that of a mother. I think somehow that is impossible. So he would not maliciously misguide me in that situation, he would just see it differently. Maybe the same thing would happen with your husband. So I reiterate, trust your instincts. God bless you and your family.

Trust your instincts - that situation sounds very unstable AND your kids are too young to have a strong bond with MIL (or SFIL) at this point, so you're not emotionally damaging your kids by not taking them to visit MIL/SFIL. Your husband needs to wake up and see reality - if he feels the need to see his mother, let him visit her alone or just suggest that your home is a much safer environment for her to visit your kids. If you put your foot down, it should make MIL (and husband) realize that if she's exagerrating (as others suggest) that you are taking the situation seriously. It's your job to look out for the welfare of your kids. Long experience has shown me that if you don't do it, you certainly can't count on your husband to do it.

OMG-I just came back from Cali w/my 3 boys... Visiting Inlaws! I totally understand MIL driving you insane. Got It! If the sitch is vexing you this much, postpone the trip 'till later. Your concern is for the wellbeing of YOUR family, Why risk it? Or go to Cali and have her meet you on 'neutral' territory?? I usually don't reply to these, but MIL is touchy subject w/me right now. Good luck, where's your Hubby on this?

Hi K.,

Too funny, Poor thing way too much drama for you, I dont know if you have had any responses, but all I would like to say is that your their mother and like most of us mothers you want to keep your children out of negative situations, this worl is crazy enough and making it more worse with your situation is not worth it. I dont blame you for how you feel. I just hope that you and your husband are on the same page, I hope that he understands, Like I said you are their mother and you know what is best for them so dont let go of what you feel. I certainly wouldnt put my boys ages 2 and 3 in a disfunctional dangerous situation such as the one you discribed. Good luck
J.

As a mother you have an animal instinct to protect your young...so, this is to say that I also have a crazy family, and know exactly what you are talking about. You have the right to protect your family if you feel, honestly feel that they would be in danger...BUT! you also have to think about this...what if MIL is trying to (for some reason) poison your mind against SFIL so you'll take her side in things...I feel that maybe you should go ahead and let SFIL visit with you and your kiddos but make it a short visit, and keep an eye on things. Don't let him be alone with the kids if you seriously feel there's danger. There's alot to be said about "womans intuition" but there's more to be said about a mothers intuition. If something is wrong, you have to trust yourself to feel it, to know it.

Hi, OK Mary (no offense) below has had husband issues because your husband, as the father of your kids, SHOULD have their best interest in mind. And you alone shouldn't have to worry about their well being. He should be doing that as well. Now, with that said....have you known of your SFIL to be a violent person...or is your MIL looking for an excuse to leave hubby #2, or is it #3?? She sounds like she has issues and be glad she's not in TX! From what you said, I think staying at a hotel, visiting in public places, and watching your children like a hawk is an option. If ANYTHING seems odd, excuse yourself from the situation and tell your husband "WE'RE LEAVING, NOW." And lay it out beforehand so he's not surprised. My grandma never liked my mom for some reason (Grandma never thought anyone was good enough for her son blah blah) so once when we went to visit, out of state, no less...grandma started in on my mom, and we left. That night. Period. Mom didn't play around! If SFIL wants to come to dinner, let him. It's a few hours and if he's acting goofy or they start arguing, bail out. Saving face for the family goes out the window when you think your kids may be in danger. Plus, your kids don't need to be a witness to that. You and your husband don't need to be a witness to that, or get dragged into their drama. They are adults and need to act like it. Hope my two cents helped, K.. Good luck!

K. - I understand how you feel my family is like your husband's family and my husband's family is like your family. It is a lot to deal with. O.K. here is the thing, the MIL is a woman that has had affairs - this translates as she has had experience lying in the past. How do you know that she is not lying to you about the SFIL? Have you ever seen him be violent? She may be telling you and your hubby this so that y'all will take here side - Divorce is an ugly thing. If I was in your shoes, I would only take what your MIL says at face value (meaning what it is worth - she has a reputation of not being completely truthful). I would allow my SFIL see my children (remember this is my opinion), but only in a public setting like a public restaurant. If he is indeed violent, he will not do anything out in public - that is usually a private thing. Plus, with the questioning of him being violent, you and your hubby will already be on protective mode with your kids. Also, you should give this SFIL a chance to show you with his actions if he is indeed an untrustworthy person. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this has helped. I know that it is a lot to deal with - my husband cannot believe that with my particular family's ongoing saga that I turned out as level headed as I did. Take care.

A little about me: I'm about to retire my SAHM position for a teaching position. My beautiful children Sean, 4 and Karlie, 2, are excited about starting pre-school.

I don not think you are being unreasonable at all. Your family comes first! It does seem like a very unstable situation. First of all I think you should pray about it (which I am sure you have done!) I think you should talk with you MIL or have hubby talk with your MIL and tell them your concerns. I know easier said than done but maybe she can at least tell you that they will mind thier p's and q's when around your kids! And if they can't do that then they certainly don't need to be around them. I wish I had more but I don't I hope everything works out for your trip! I will be praying for you!

Wow, sounds like you have a lot on your mind and you're an over thinker (like myself). First thing I would remind you of is that there's two sides to every story and if your MIL drives you insane, she's capable of doing the same to others. If you are really concerned about your children being around them, limit their time (supervised of course) until you are comfortable with what you see for yourself. And stay in a hotel and go out with the MIL so the SFIL has less opportunity to go crazy with you all around. Regardless if she lives next door or in China, there has to be boundaries. My rule is nobody is allowed over without calling first and approval to come. I make it clear that I like my privacy and have a history of not bothering to answer the door if I'm not expecting anyone. To me that's just respect not to drop in on people.

We all have things in our past that we wish weren't there. As long as your MIL isn't trying to teach your children about her affairs or influencing them in a negative way, you shouldn't hold her affairs against her.

Best of luck to you. I know about those in-law issues.

Hi K.,

I say that you should remove yourself from the situation by advising your in-laws that it's not fair to place this burden on your shoulders. It's nice you are being a sounding board for them but at the same time look at the stress you are under. I would also stress to them your concerns of possible violence and ask them to understand why you might distance yourself from any such possible situation. I would express your concerns to them both and tell them to put up or shut up and take care of themselves by getting the proper counseling and/or divorce and have it done with. You sound like a sweet person and I really don't think this should stress you so much and cause arguments even in your own household.
T.

K., I can definitely understand your concerns. I have in-laws that live far away and tend to panic when they come for visits simply because - I already have MY family trained, and since they don't come often and we don't talk much, they don't know me as well as my family does.

If it were me, I would let them see the kids while I supervised the visit. I don't think there's a love like a grandparents love and don't feel your children, parents or in-laws should be denied that liberty unless it has been misused in the past. Since it hasn't, I don't think it is fair to pre-judge before it even happens.

I think you need to listen to as little of the riff-raff as possible and try to stay neutral. I distance myself from some of my husbands family drama, because I like to keep my life/household as drama free as possible, and try to mind my own business. It's so easy to take what someone else says and devise an opinion, but go see him for yourself and make up your own mind. SHE may be the psycho - who knows?

If that were my MIL, I would be worried if she was moving here, but you can't stop her moving to Texas - but with prayer and persistence, I think you can stop her from moving that DRAMA into your house. Pray about it and move on. Good Luck and God Bless

Hi K., I don't think you are being too unreasonable based on the info MIL is supplying you. Sounds like she's a runner and she herself might be expanding the truth to justify her wanting to leave, doesn't sound like she can stick it out for the long-haul. But, and I HAVE TO ASK THIS...could it be that you are trying to avoid staying with her anyway and the SFIL is the perfect reason to keep you from staying with her? I'm not saying that he is NOT dangerous, because you really don't know the truth, but is part of you relieved to have a reason not to stay with her? Sorry.

What if you all go out to dinner and the SFIL meets you there? Speaking of reasons, (and I'm always looking for reasons) I'd say you and your family would be more comfortable at a hotel and that way you can go back to the hotel to put the kids down for naps or for bed whenever you need to and not have to worry about making everyone get quiet in order for the kids to go to sleep.

Anyway, good luck. I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

Wow... that's a lot to take in... the only thing I can say is to go with your gut feeling. If you think it's a potentially volitile situation then protect your family and say no, just do not go on the trip... go somewhere you'll have a good time.

On the flip side, older women (I can count plenty in my family) tend to be a bit dramatic and love people on their side. You're only hearing ONE SIDE of the story. I'm not calling her a liar... but we're women... and we know what we're capable of. She's already mastered the art of manipulation if she's had two affairs on unsuspecting men.

I know it's familiy and you'd love to see them but I think I'd bypass that stop and go somewhere you can have good happy memories as a family not do something that's obligatory where you'll be on edge and no one will have fun... Obligatory visits, gifts, calls, etc. are never worth the stress.

Good luck.

Go with your gut. I have had the same issues for years. I do not visit my in-laws and my oldest son sees his grandfather once a year for about 5-6 hours with my husband - he can't cut the ties - felt so guilty when his mother died because we were not speaking to them. My youngest hasn't seen him since he was about 1 year old ( now 5).

If you have to go, set ground rules with your husband. Stay in a hotel. Your kids are young enough that you can take them and leave and go to the hotel if you notice things are going south. If you have to stop, I would have dinner and leave the next day and continue on your trip.

This kind of situation can cause you and your husband problems if you don't talk about it. Don't wait too long to discuss it. Share your feelings. If your husband feels this way too, then forego the trip.

Above all else, pray for wisdom and patience.

Personally, no, I don't think you are being unreasonable AT ALL!! These are YOUR kids and your family- you are the one that is going to have to decide that. What does your husband think? Does he agree with you? If so, it really needs to be him to tell his mother that you don't think that it will be a good idea to see SFIL. He should tell his mom that you BOTH don't feel like SFIL is stable, or a good influence to be around your children (which, you are going by what SHE has said about him!)

I hope this gets settled for you, and you don't have to worry about all of this too much. I'm lucky that I don't have to deal with in-law issues much. When I do, my husband usually agrees with me so it's not too much of a big deal. Good luck with what you decide and your trip!! (And try to have FUN!!)

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. It is your privaledged responsibility to protect your children from those that may harm them - family or not. Those precious kids come first and above all else . . . . . if you keep that in the fore-front of your mind, you will not make a mistake! :) And if he doesn't like it, that's his problem. Maybe he should seek some anger mgmt or counseling, then you could re-assess. Hope that helps!

Absolutely not! I am slowly but surely cutting ties with my own family. My mom is not a good mom, or person for that matter. It's taken me years to overcome the social anxiety issues I've had and relationship issues because of the way I was brought up. When my husband and I started discussing kids, one condition was that our kids will never be around my family (really, my mom's side of the family at all) if we are not there (ie - spend the night with grandma...). Your family comes first and you have to protect them at all costs. And, always trust your first, gut instinct. You cannot doubt that - if you aren't sure about the situation - don't create an opportunity for them to be hurt.... if something did happen, you'll blame yourself for not trusting your instincts.

Wow, what a difficult situation. Only you and your husband can make the final call. My only advice is that your first priority is the safety of your husband, your children and yourself. If you have a strong gut feeling that the visit might prove unsafe (physically or emotionally), then I would follow your gut and change your plans. Just my 2 cents... Good luck!

Hi there!

Wow, what a predicament you're in.

I would want to know more information about what your hubby thinks of all this, afterall, this is HIS side of the family we're talking about. Is he even close to SFIL? Did SFIL help raise him or anything? What would your hubby like to see happen here? I'm glad to hear you are voicing your concerns to your hubby to see what he has to say about it.

However, your hubby asked you about dinner. This signals to me that he may not be feeling as strong about the whole thing as you do. You are, afterall, basing your feelings about SFIL on what MIL is saying, and not personal experience with him, correct? MIL's feelings about SFIL are very emotionally charged right now. And I think we've established that MIL is not always the best judge of character? Just because SFIL is allegedly treating MIL poorly does not mean he would do the same to your children.

My strongest recommendation, though, would be if you are still highly concerned about SFIL- meet with him in public. There are plenty of community play areas where you all could meet, and plenty of restaurants to have dinner. It doesn't sound like he has a strong tie with your kids, and chances are he wouldn't want to see them often, especially after the upcoming divorce.

I'd be more concerned about MIL moving next door heh....

Good luck to you. If you would like to talk further about this, you can email me at ____@____.com.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You have to worry about and protect your children--you are their mother! I don't know exactly how crazy this man is but, if he doesn't have a history of hurting people and does not do drugs or drink, then I would be okay with at least giving it a try to stay with her. If things got even near being bad, you could go to a hotel and never stay there again as long as he is there. I think the fact that he said he wanted to see the kids is a good sign. Again, I don't know him but I would certainly give it a try and as soon as things start to go sour, leave. At least you can say you've tried.

M.

I would say if he wants to see the kids it would be with you and your husband present. I would not stay with them b/c things will only get heated. Like I said I would visit all together then leave at your own discretion.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You should feel comfortable with the people you expose to your children. If you can't get out of it, you should try to plan a very short dinner and use the kids as an excuse. They have an early bed time, son or daughter is not feeling well, etc. I have a nutty family and it's my own mom that's placed herself in a worse situation than your in-law. You should do as much as you can in that trip to complain about the heat in Texas, high crime rate, poor public schools and your family's desire to find a more family friendly environment in the future. It might put the thought in her head that if you guys aren't her permanently, than she may not want to move. Not sure if this will help you at all, but I definitely think you have every right to be worried about your children. Just rememebr that the kids will bounce back, if you can't back out and keeping your cool around these guys will be better for your family and the rest of the trip. Sounds like a challenge. Good luck.

I do not think you are being unreasonable. Your MIL should not either, especially since she was the one who volunteered all that personal information about her husband. I do think, however that if your FIL wants to see the children, do it in a park, restaurant or some other public setting at first. Then, let your motherly instinct tell you where to go from there.

Had to respond as my inlaws are totally nuts too. I hope I digested it all as there is a lot of info! LOL Here are my 2 cents - at least in Vegas you have your choice of going to a hotel, no shortage of hotel rooms there. You have very young kids like me, you are in the stage of trying to share the joy of the young ones w/ everybody, my DH and I are in that position as we were the only ones w/ babies for quite a while. If you haven't already, you need to discuss w/ your DH about going to Plan B, Plan C when you go on this trip (how to avert disaster), how to deal w/ crazy family members, etc. since it's his family. But he really needs to stand up and be the protector of the family, that is really his new role and he has to shield you and the kids from having to be dragged into the family drama. At some point up the road you might have to decide weather to cut ties w/ some of these people. When your kids get a little older and start questioning things the dynamic will change again. (where I'm at) So in closing, you are not being "too anything", best of luck to you!

oh my goodness! you are totally NOT being unreasonable. i want to encourage you not i repeat not to go anywhere near that man! God gives women their divine intuition for a reason and that is to protect those precious children He has entrusted to your care!!!!!!! if you feel comfortable meeting them for dinner in a restaurant which i'm not sure i would if he really has threatened her life,where are the cops in all this anyway? you could meet them in public. also do not i repeat do not stay at her house!!! there's nothing to stop him from coming over there in middle of night and doing somthing horrible!!!! i know for sure God is telling me to tell you all this because i have a horrible feeling just reading your e-mail. i don't respond to many i have two small children so little time i have! i just felt so compelled to write to you and tell you to listen to that voice in your spirit. that is God telling you to protect yourself and family. good luck and God bless! you'll just have to tell your husband to trust you and if others feelings get hurt oh well!!!! your children are most important!!!!! A.

I think I get what you are saying and the one thing I'd have you keep in mind is that when they are fighting she may say things that 1) are untrue or 2) she doesn't really mean. I've found (from dealing with my crazy in-laws) that sometimes they are perfectly nice people and they just happend to marry the wrong person for them!
You also need to keep in mind that the MIL herself obviously has issues. Drama is extremely hard to deal with when it's not your own or your family's. I cringe on the holidays when I have to be around my in-laws because I never knew such insanity exists!
I would meet him in a public place for dinner and who knows? you might like SFIL more than you like MIL!

Here here to Aprils response. It is only one side of the story so DEFINATLY go with your gut! I firmly believe that "Women's intuition" is our Heavenly Father blessing us with the Spirit to know when the kids that are given to us in this life are in danger. If you can't shake the feeling that somethings not right, you can probably bet money on it that you're right! If you can't avoid it maybe a compromise will be to have dinner in a public place. I know my ex-stepfather was abusive only behind closed doors. Out in public he tried to be as sweet as he could be. Good luck!

OH MY, MY, MY!!!! K., my heart truly goes out to you. And please don't take this the wrong way, but it almost feels good to know that I am not alone!!!! When I was reading your message, I couldn't help but relate to your very serious dilemas. You and I, both, could write some 'dramadies' based on these kinds of backgrounds!!! <smile>

Well, let me attempt to be brief in saying my peace to you:

YOU GO, GIRL!!!! Protect your babies! Family can be the most harmful of them all. So, do know that it is OK for you to lock 'em out! The Bible says '...leave...and cleave!' You have your OWN family now and EVERYONE MUST RESPECT that. No if's, and's, or butt's about it. STAND FIRM on that. Don't let the extended members rule your actions, emotions, etc. We tend to get so wrapped up in other's opinions (esp. the I.L.'s)... we lose sight of what's really important ... the only thing that matters: OUR CHILDREN!!! (well, after God and spouse)

So, I'm glad to see that there were no safety issues during your last visit. And, avoiding the hear-say is great. Unfortunately, for you, me and every other mother with similar issues.... THE SAGA CONTINUES!!! I encourage you to stay positive; be tough; and continue to operate from love! Your strength will only increase! God Bless!!! B.A.M.N.