I Know a Girl Who Needs Help

If there is anything I (or we) can do to help out during this time, please let me know. What a horrible time of year to have to experiencing something like that. I would love to be able to send her and her child something. If there is any way to make that happen please let us know.

What a terrible thing to happen, especially to a young family. The best thing you can do for them, and her, is just to be there, and make sure she knows you are there for her, whatever happens. Perhaps offer to cook meals for them, arrange for some light cleaning, laundry, things that they don't need to be worrying about at this time, but still need done.
Is there no chance that he will pull thru? I will keep them in my thoughts.

J.

Hi K., When I was 21, I was 8 months pregnant and my husband who was a police officer was killed. I can tell you from experience that what helps most is not to ask her what she needs or how to help, but just do it. Maybe a couple of you could go in and clean her house or take her child to the movies or entertained with something fun.I remember my girlfriend came in, cleaned my refridgerator (with rotting food cause I didn't care) and grocery shopped and put in fresh easy to grab food. I was thrilled. See, without words all of you can be there for her. They say "TIME HEALS ALL HURTS". Take it from me & millions, it's true. I'll be praying for all of you. Best Regards, C.

Just be there for her. Sometimes you don't even have to say anything - just a hand and a shoulder.
She will need some time alone, so you can offer to babysit. Or she may not want the little one out of her sight. But you could offer to watch the child while she takes a bubblebath or does something for herself.
After my husband's death, I did ALOT of my crying in the bathtub where the kids couldn't see me. I don't mean the occasional tear - the kids need to see that so that they know that it's ok to be sad, I mean the gut-wrenching tears that you have to cry in private and that you don't want the kids to see because it will scare them.

What I also found is that people are around after the funeral. That first week you are so busy that you don't have time to fall apart or feel lonely. But as time goes by, people return to their lives and she'll be left - alone - to pick up the pieces of hers. THAT'S when she will need you the most. Just drop by with a snack and share it with her. Call her and say let's go to the park. It doesn't matter what you do, just that 6 months, 12 months down the road, you still do it. Doesn't have to be everyday, but at least maybe 2-3 times a month. You'll see when she is getting stronger and ready to move on.
It's been 8 months since my husband died, and I don't think a day goes by without thinking of him. But not all memories are sad memories. We sat up til 1 am the night before his funeral, remembering and laughing. He left me a 6 yr old son that is a carbon copy - both endearing and frustrating at times. Most days are good days, but every once in awhile it still all catches up with me, and I just sit and cry all day. (I'm fortunate that we had started a home business together and I have the luxury of being home all day without the kids.) I do find that my heart is much more tender. I don't think I've managed to watch a single Christmas special this season without crying.

It doesn't state where you are from. I'm near Peoria, IL. Methodist Hospital's Hospice Dept here has a good grief program - although some of it's designed more for the children. But they've got a list of resources/contacts. Many churches have grief ministries/support groups.

Hi K.,
My husband passed away from leukemia 2 years ago, at the age of 27. It was very rough for my daughter and I. I am not sure where her husband is in his leukemia stage, but there is this wonderful group called chemo angels that we loved and my husband loved. They send you cards, and personal things that her husband might enjoy (my husband loved music so he was sent some cds every now and then). He would get a card almost every other day from a group of volunteers, and we also received some things for Christmas too. Its completely free, and it gave my husband some hope in the last few months of what he would get in the mailbox. www.chemoangels.com. Hope that helps a little.
R.

Wow I feel so sorry for your friend for having to go through all of this at such a young age and especially around the holidays. I would offer to stay the night a few times a week so she has someone to talk to, to help with the baby, and just to make sure she is doing okay. I know that would help her get through this hard time she is having, or you could have her over to stay the night with you during this time. I know it might seem kinda childish to have a friend stay the night when we are older but I think this will help her out so much and give her the reassurance that you are there so if she does need something she can count on you even if it is just to cry on your shoulder at 3 o'clock in the morning. It is important to have good friend like that.

Just say you will be there for her, whatever she needs, and follow through. Cook double and take it over there so she has less to worry about. Think about how you might be able to help with simple things. Also keep in mind kids sometimes surprise you with their understanding. Tell the truth, daddy's an angel, I know you want him here with you, but God needs his help. He loved you very much, etc. Suggest making a video tape of things daddy wants her to hear from him. Also capture try to capture their inside jokes etc. Nothing can replace him, but memories can be preserved. Are they in the Columbia area. I stay at home and if I can help in anyway I would love to. I lost my son 3 years ago.

I lost my mother when I was 10 (Cancer) and my father when I was 14 (heart attack). I know this child is much younger. But the one thing I wish someone would have said to me was "Wow this sucks" I know if I would have heard they are in a better place now one more time I was going to explode. I don't know any other way to explain how I felt other than it sucked. Maybe if you just give her a sholder to cry on or a free night of babysitting so she can really have time to greve without worrying about her child seeing her cry. Everything happens for a reason, God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. Try to help her see the silver linning (I know it is hard when a giant dark cloud is looming but even the dark clouds have a silver linning) In the end they will both be stronger people for having to go through this at such a young age. I know that doesnt' help much now.

This may sound really bad but If I had to lose my parents I'm am very thankful it happened when it did. I never said any of those teenage hateful things to my mother. I got to spend 3 years of just me and my dad. (I was trully a daddy's little girl) The things I remeber about my parents are all good. I also am a stronger person because of it. I learned at a young age the things people live there whole life not really knowing, and that is how important the people in you life really are.

I don't know if my rambalings have helped. My heart goes out to you and your friends family. I hate to hear anyone has to go through this because it truly is one of the hardest things she will ever have to over come. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

I think it is great all of the advice that you have gotten on this website from other women who sympathize for you and your friend. Everyone has good ideas about taking the weight of everyday tasks that just arent all that important right now compared to her grief. These things may not be as important, but they still have to be done. Good luck with helping your friend.

give her a few coupons for babysitting or laundry service and take out. Make a a coupon that she can use when she needs it the most. Cause I can tell you it is hard to clean house and do grocery shopping when someone in your house is really sick or just passed. If you have any ?? about this just send me a e-mail and I would be willing to tell you more about it in more detal. ____@____.com

I lost my 8 month old son 3 years ago. And I agree, the one thing you don't want to hear is "better place". And I know people mean well, and say it to make them feel better, but I find a lot of Christians talk out both sides of their mouths about death. Sometimes they will say "God doesn't choose when you go". Then other times they will say "When God is ready to call you home..." Okay-which is it?!? I heard both at the funeral.
Also, let her know it is okay to wonder why. And it is okay to "hate" God. If he truly loves you, he will understand - like any parent with their children.
Just let her know that even though you don't know what she is going through, you want to help her through it.
The best thing someone said to me at my son's funeral was that they would go buy some plates from the dollar store and we could just go break them. It was completely ridiculous and crazy, but she was the one person who didn't try to tell me I would be okay or could make it through. She let me "feel" what I needed to.
You and your friend are in my thoughts.

Well as I really cant tell you what to say I only know the one thing I didnt want to hear when my 4month old baby passed away. The thing is that everyone will jump right up and tell you "I am so sorry and I know what your going thru." ONLY THEY DONT. So the one thing Id make sure not to say unless you have been thru it is that you know what they are going thru. My best advise is that you have to try to put yourself in her shoes as hard as that may be.. Ask her what it is that she needs. Is there a way you can truley help and that you really want to let her know that you are there for her no matter what it is. I throw in the whole part about no matter what it is or what time you need something just please call me and let me know. Tell her if it is something like you taking the kids for a bit or whatever your willing to do make sure u speak up. It would be very thoughtful to ask her if she has been able to take care of christmas for he kids. She may just really think it is great for someone to wrap stuff for her. If she hasnt got them christmas then maybe you and some of your friends or family could each chip in a few bucks apeice for them. Freds is a great place to get some great gifts for lil to nothing. I dont know anyone that wouldnt help out in a case like this.
Hope some of this helps you out.
Your a great person for trying to help someone out.
happy holidays to you and your family.
I wish the best for the family you speak of as well...

I agree with Shaundra. People need empathy not just painting over something dreadful with a "they're better off" statement. I think the best thing you can say is that you are there for her and her child and that nothing is too much to ask. Just knowing that you have around to just be there with you can be a huge comfort. There are no magic words at this time.
And Shaundra, I'm so sorry you lost both of your parents when you were a child. That sucks!!

I'm so sorry your friend and her family is going through this. Often times when we ask if we can help they will say no. Just do things. Bring her a meal once a week, tell her you are coming over to watch the kids, ask what she needs at the store (rather than "can I shop for you) etc. The other thing I can recommend is being for her in the distant future as well. Sometimes after a month or two a lot of her support will start to fade away and she may need more support then than ever. Not only will she be dealing with her and her children's grief she will be learning what it is like to be a single mom. (That is probably a huge feat in itself.) How are they doing financially? I'm guessing they are up to their eyeballs in medical bills. How old are the kids? I would love to get them each a Christmas gift if you could deliver it anonymously. What part of town do you/her live in? Please feel free to email me at ____@____.com.

Just be there for her in anyway that God leads you. Even the smallest things will mean a lot. Pray for them and that he is saved. Also, you are already doing something by just caring.
God Bless.

Trin

What about offering to babysit so the can have some time or go shopping for her get some groceries or make a dinner for them, and if she doesnt accept just make sure she knows that you are there for if she needs you

K.,

Is the husband on Hospice? I have volunteered with Hospice of Oklahoma County. They are one of two in the state that are non-profit organizations. I would definately let them help during this time. There is so much they can do for the family. They have grief counselors or chaplins and grief support services. Even if your friends are not on the service they may participate in the programs. Calm Water, would be the best place for the child. www.calmwaters.org They work with children from 3-19...Maybe they both could go actually. Both are located at 4334 NW Expressway. Email me if you have any other questions. I am so sorry to hear about this.