Some Questions About Dealing with a Death in the Family

I'm sorry you are going through this. My mom died in San Bernardino County in September 2013. She was under the care of a hospice. We were told she had 3 days to 6 weeks to live. She made it 6 days after being told she was going to die.

In California, and most likely any other state, you call the hospice and they will handle it all. Do NOT call 9-1-1 IF she dies her in sleep. It's no longer an "emergency". You call the hospice or your non-emergency number and let them know that your mom, who had cancer, has died in her sleep. They may tell you to call the funeral home directly. However, since it's a non-hospital death in California? You might have to notify the police of the death.

Please make sure your mom is under hospice care - it really does make things easier on everyone.

While there is a LOT to grapple with? You NEED to make sure you know where your mom's assets are. Does she have a will in place? What about a living will? DNR? A Power of Attorney so you can act on your mom's behalf? ANYTHING?? You really need to make sure you have those documents so you can handle everything after she's gone. Mortgage, banking, car, etc

As to your grief? You need to do it the way YOU need to do it. Would I put on a brave face? No. If that's how you handle things? You need to talk with a counselor or therapist. The doctor who gave your mom the news might have a psychiatrist that you and your mom can talk with. When my mom was given the news? There was a therapist there to help her and us digest the information. Reach out. Find out.

It's a shame you don't want other people there so they can say their final good-byes and pay respect to your mom. Your daughter will learn from you. Do you want her mirroring your grieving? If not? Talk to your PCP and her pediatrician to get help in learning out to cope without shutting everyone out.

Again - I'm really sorry you are going through this. May your mom's memory be eternal

I'm so sorry. I've lost various family members and friends, and so has my husband so I'll answer from our personal experience as best I can.

I personally felt last week's question was somewhat rude (judgmental). So I skipped over a lot of what was written.

So here goes:

1. It really is ok to grieve however works for you. Funerals/wakes/memorial services (whatever) are like weddings. Some people elope. Some go for huge too doo's. Whatever works for you. So if you want something small - do that. If anyone DOES judge you, then they obviously are not close to you and don't really CARE about you. This is your mom. You're the closest family members, and this is about the closest family members. Not your acquaintances. Seriously.

They can have a little lunch for you or girl's night out (whatever you would like) - LATER. Tell them that. Better yet, have a good friend tell them that.

It is not about you spending that time comforting others. It will be very difficult. I would recommend feeling the pain then - allowing yourself time to grieve - because if you are comforting others and walking around putting on a brave face, you might stuff it all down, and that means you aren't dealing with it. It's GOOD for your kids to see you sad. It helps them. They can be sad too.

2. You can call her doctor. And you can call a funeral home.

3. I guess I answered that in my #1.

You may want a very close friend there with you (I have one that's like a sister to me) if you have one. It depends. Someone to watch your kids if you want to be with family? It really is about what works for you.

Hugs to you

I'm so sorry you've got all this coming your way.
It's really hard to know what you can and can't control.

If you don't want your friends/acquaintances to come to the church service then state that it's a private family service.
It is really ok to do that.
For those who want to feel they've done something to support you - give them a charity that they can donate to in your mom's name.

If your mom isn't on hospice care already - then she should be.
Hospice will know what the procedure is for dying at home - they will be a good resource for you and can answer many questions.

How to grieve?
What ever works for you for as long as you need.
You never really know how it will be for you until you are there.

For my mom - when her significant other passed away suddenly - it just crushed her.
(My mom divorced when my sister and I were babies - my husbands parents divorced when he left for college - his dad met my mom - they were together for 17 years.
My mom, my husband, and I were all grieving - our son was 3 and fairly oblivious to it all.
My FIL left a HUGE mess to clean up and it took years to get the will and everything straightened out.
In the process we'd found that FIL had told everyone different stories - about his relationship with my mom, and my husband - and all sides couldn't quite believe he'd told all these stories - and it just left everyone in a very bad feeling between everyone.)

I'd never seen anything like it before.
She was beside herself with grief - and at the same time very angry and trying to pick fights with family to distract herself from feeling so miserable.
The crying jags continued daily for years.
She didn't want any grief support groups - it annoys/depresses her to hear about other peoples problems.
Ultimately she settled into a routine but I had to accept that she never really will make her peace with it and get over it - it's been 16 years now.

While I don't know how I will be when a close family member eventually dies - one thing for sure is I don't want to do what my mom did.
Your child will observe you - but she's not really going to know what's going on.
Don't put pressure on yourself to make this into a learning experience.

In effect - you already are grieving.
Relatives of people with terminal diseases often start long before the actual dying happens.
It makes for an often confusing jumble of emotions - sadness that the relative is gone - relief that they aren't suffering anymore - guilt for feeling relieved.
It's all normal.
It's going to be what ever it turns out to be.

You can find some books about grieving that might be a good read for you as you are navigating all this.

I'm truly sorry you are going through this.

You need to ensure that your mom has her affairs in order. A will, an executor and know what is due and when. Does your mom have a DNR in place? If not? Maybe she should consider it.

IF she dies in her sleep and she's on hospice care? You call the hospice and they will take care of everything from there. If she's not under hospice care? You call the police NON-Emergency number and let them know that your mom has died.

If you don't want people to come to comfort you? That's fine. You need to make it perfectly clear what YOU want and need. I don't think you should tell people who want to come and acknowledge and pay respects to your mom NOT to come. I would tell them when the services are but tell them your preferences. You MUST communicate. No one can read your mind.

You really should see a counselor. You need to be able to express yourself. you MUST be able to express your feelings. You're right. It's NOT healthy to put on a brave face. You know this about yourself. It's OKAY to cry. Whether you do it in private or in front of family and/or friends.

I am sorry you are going through this.

Personally, I thought the poster last week about her mom's death was very rude and judgmental. Who is she or anyone else to tell me how to grieve or plan services for my dead husband.

That said... it is very personal and you have to do what is right for you. I hope your mother has all of her things in order legally, what she wants to happen after she dies and so on.

My husband had a heart attack at home and he did die at home but the paramedics were here trying to revive him. He was officially pronounced dead at the hospital shortly after arriving there. I called 911. I believe in a situation of a someone dying at home that 911 would be the appropriate call to make.

Unfortunately... when something like this happens at home, the police are there with paramedics and you are suspect and treated as such until the call is made on the death. I was interviewed by the police and medical examiner, provided detailed information on my husband's health a recent activities. It is sad but that is how it is in today's society.

I understand the you don't want people to comfort you. That is ok but you must communicate and expect some people to be taken aback a bit because they are just trying to support you. It is not healthy to wear a mask to hide how you feel. It is ok and normal for your daughter to see you hurt. I know you want to protect her. Again.. this is completely your choice and I believe you are smart to be thinking about how your behavior will be modeled for your children. It is normal for people to have and show compassion and sympathy during times like this.

Also, things are a little different for you because you have time to accept that your mom is dying, say what you want to say and come to terms with the inevitable. My case was a complete shock.

After the services were all said and done on that day, my daughter and a couple of her friends were left here at home saying WTH just happened! Everyone goes on with their life as you adjust to your new normal. I do have friends who are supportive and there for me when I need them but I make the call when I need them and I am not overwhelmed with people in and out of my home, etc. In Oct., my stepdad died and to this day, someone from my mom's close knit neighborhood and Sunday school class is at her house daily. For me, I can't deal with that. For her... she gets a lot out of it.

You are correct.. there is no "right" way to grieve. Everyone grieves differently and what works for them.

Even though you have time to prepare for her death, it may still benefit you and your daughter to have some grief therapy. In my town, there is a service free of charge to families who are grieving and they concentrate on he children and helping them. My daughter and I went for a little over a year and met with our respective groups. It did help to meet in a group and see people who have made it 2+years since the death of a loved one when your loss is so new and raw. Seeing the people who were still alive and making it through the worst time of their life gave me motivation and strength to know that I could make it too. I also met some people there who have become dear friends.

I think the biggest thing for you is communication if you really do not want people to be there to support you or show respects to your mom. Death is hard and everyone is different with beliefs, what they need from others and how they deal.

One thing I have found that helps me a great deal is journaling. I write in my journal daily. Some days may have 1-2 sentences and others may be 2-3 pages. I am currently on my 3rd journal. It is helpful for me to look at my growth when I go back and read what I did this time last year, etc and see my improvement. I will never forget or "get over" the death of my husband but I am learning how to go on living and be healthy about the grief process. My goal is to make sure I make my husband proud and I believe that my daughter and I are doing just that.

Best wishes to you and your family, especially during this time.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Is your mom in hospice? If so, if she dies in her sleep, call hospice and they'll take care of everything.

If she's not in hospice, call the non-emergency number. Most likely, they'll send an ambulance. They'll also probably tell you to call a funeral home. I'm most states, a doctor has to certify the death, and they do so based on the paramedic's verification. A good funeral director will help you through this process.

As to how to grieve.. there isn't a right or wrong way. You do what your heart tells you. I wouldn't worry about being a good role model for your daughter on how to grieve. My son was 5 when my mom died, and tbe only thing I was really cognizant about when I was around him was being gracious to others-- people would offer platitudes and I'd smile and thank them instead of saying what I really thought,

For your first question - if I were your friend, I would completely understand if you asked me not to come to the service. When they ask what they can do to help or ask about the service, you can tell them that you would rather they not come because it will be too hard, but you would love a lunch date to help you move on with your life in a week or two (ie, let's go somewhere fun and talk about something that is not related to mom).

For the other questions, has the doctor put you in touch with hospice programs in your area? If not, you should ask. While moms here can give you advice from personal perspectives, hospice caregivers are trained to help people in exactly your situation - particularly with your 2nd question. And, asking for and accpeting help from professionals is a good thing to model for your daughter. Hospice may also be able to put you in touch with grief counselors for families (for you and your daughter) when the time comes.

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You ask great questions, and a lot of them will be things that hospice will know and go over with you because this isn't something most people know their way around and they do it every day. If you haven't reached out for hospice care yet, please go ahead and make that call today. They really are an amazing resource - truly, angels on earth. They will be especially helpful in teaching you about what happens with a natural death at home. Someone with medical authority (her own physician, a coroner, a first responder or a hospice nurse) will have to declare the death and funeral home would pick up the deceased. This can be done quietly and on a non-emergency basis so you don't have to worry about vehicles showing up with flashing lights and sirens, etc.

As to how to grieve...it really is OK for you and your family to decide. I have seen plenty of obituaries that have noted something like "a private service will be held at..." and that's usually an indication that it's for close family and invited friends only. The funeral home will know how to word this as it's not an uncommon arrangement. When you share the news and people reach out and ask for details of the service, you can just say something like "thank you for your support but we are having a small, private service. Please keep us in your thoughts [prayers, whatever]" and leave it at that.

Regarding modeling grief, anything that's not destructive or overly repressive is fine. With a parent an a long illness, we have time to prepare and lessen the shock and move through the grieving process in a balanced way. It's OK to cry, or not. It's OK to take time off from work and slow down, or not. It's OK to have good days and bad days. It's OK to want to reminisce and share memories some days but push those thoughts out of your head the other days.

Kids are intuitive at that age but pretty self-absorbed too. It will be most important to show your daughter that it's OK to be sad, and that sadness doesn't stop us from living life. It will be important to give her space to have her feelings and share them. One of my kids was 5 when my brother died and he took it really hard. Lots of sobbing and "I miss him" in the days and weeks after. Sometimes I was drained too and didn't really have it in me to hold him and sing him back to sleep and comfort him and absorb his grief when I was still feeling the loss and needing support myself, but I just sort of gritted through it. So maybe have your husband prepared to absorb some of that emotional work for you if needed.

Again, so sorry that you're going through this. I wish you peace and strength in the tough weeks or months ahead.

sorry to hear that you are going thru this.
if you don't want people there, then tell them that they need not rearrange their schedules to be there. or just share that you prefer they not go to this family affair.
hospice or whichever nursing facility is taking care of her needs at this time. would be the ones to call should she pass away in the night.
you grieve in whichever way you see fit. there is no right or wrong way to do it. you can see a counselor to help you thru the process if you feel like you are struggling to handle it.

You've got lots of great responses with regards to the Q. 2 and 3. For q. 1, you also have gotten great suggestions. The only thing I would add is that you certainly can tell your friends that your family is doing a smaller, private service, AND it might be very beneficial if you consider whether there are some ways that those friends could support you in other ways/times besides being at the service. For example, my father-in-law passed away a couple weeks ago, and several of my co-workers have expressed sympathy in very kind ways. One of them, knowing that I am single-parenting for a month while my husband is with family in his home country, offered to make a big pot of soup and some cornbread for my kids and me, just to take some of the pressure off me. On another occasion when we had a sudden death in my husband's family and we needed our then-3 1/2 year old son out of the house for a few hours, we called a friend with a daughter his age and they took him to play with her for a bit while we got things organized. It was really welcome, and perhaps you will want a similar change-of-scene for your daughter which friends or co-workers could provide. The real question is this: what kind of support COULD your friends offer which would help you and your family?

So very sad you are dealing with this, and I hope you can get some support from hospice. other family members, etc.

It’s important to have your mother’s wishes known. It’s important to make her comfortable with palliative care, so talk to her doctor and ask for a referral to a hospice care agency. These are highly skilled, compassionate professionals who will help manage your mother’s final weeks – pain medications, what nourishment she wants, water, comfort measures, basic hygiene and so on. They will also help notify you when the time comes if you want to be with her (or not).

An “unattended death” needs someone official to make the pronouncement and arrange for a death certificate (which you will need several copies of to handle things like pensions and insurance) – so if you don’t have hospice people in attendance, yes, you can call 911 (and they are used to this so it’s okay). You can also call the non-emergency line or anyone else as directed by her physician. If it helps you to make a list of what to do and whom to notify in what order, do that now. That might include a funeral home, the clergy member for the church (you can even discuss music you want/don’t want, prayers you want/don’t want, a list of those who may speak, and the info for the eulogy or clergy remarks), the list of people you want to include (and their phone numbers or email addresses – write them down now on one paper so you don’t have to go looking), and more. You can call a funeral home now and start the conversations – their staff members are usually quite experienced with this.

It might also help to start writing her obituary. You can indicate in that notice (whether it goes in the paper or just on line) that “funeral and burial will be private” or “at the convenience of the family,” but if you put a time and location in the notice, by definition it is a public event. Don’t try to call people and tell them not to come. You say you don’t want to be talking to people about this at a funeral, so don’t try to do it beforehand. It’s too much of a burden on you. You can also put in an announcement afterwards (newspaper or on line). You can also include things like “please omit flowers” or “in lieu of flowers, please consider a donation to XYZ charity.” (This can be something important to your mother – it doesn’t have to be the Cancer Society – it can be her university, the church, or any charity. My mother’s will be the local chorus in which she sang and her college) and my mother-in-law’s donation recommendations were the synagogue and the local public TV station. You can add “or a charity of the donor’s choice.” Again, the funeral home staff can help with this.

I wouldn’t spend too much time deciding how to grieve for your daughter so that she learns. She is only 5 and she’s not going to remember much about this experience. She’s only going to watch you with a young child’s sensibility, so it’s not going to be a time for her to develop a skill to use later. You also can consider not taking her to the services, particularly if there is an open casket. My parents didn’t start taking us to family funerals until about age 9. If you take her, it’s okay to have a babysitter come to take her out if she gets antsy – my cousins brought a sitter when their elderly dad died, and it let them be mourners instead of parents at that moment.

So grieve how you want to grieve, without worrying about putting on the brave face for others – unless you want to sort of put up a “wall” so they don’t come to you and talk about it. This funeral is for you, not for everyone else, and not even for your mother. So make it what you want it to be (you and any siblings). You might also connect with the clergy person from the church to have a safe and confidential place to talk about this, maybe not right away, but in the weeks and months to come.

I wish you comfort in this very difficult time.

Everyone grieves differently. There is not a right or wrong way to do it. My question is are you an only child and / or is your father still alive (or stepfather)? If it's just you plan how you want. If not you need to get with them and discuss it. When my dad was getting ready to pass away and was on hospice my mom, brother's and I sat down and discussed what our thoughts where on what we wanted to happen. I was the only one that had a preference weather to have him cremated or not so they went with my wishes on that. But if you have family that wants lots there unfortunately it's not fair to them to ask them not to have anyone. You can ask your friends not to come.

When my dad passed away one of the pastors from our church was there with us so he called the funeral home for us. We didn't have to have the paramedics or anything come out. They pronounced him. If she's on hospice they will give you all the information you should need on what to do. If they are only giving her that short of time they should put you in contact with them if they have not already. Our nurse what God sent. she was wonderful. Not only helping my dad but helping us.

Your daughter will grieve totally differently than you. Children process death different than adults. My son was 6 when we lost my dad and he didn't cry till right after the funeral. But after that he didn't cry much. The other kids really didn't cry much either. 2 where older and 5 younger but my oldest was the closest to him. To this day he still remembers what occurred the day his papa died. Try to make memories while you can. That you can remind her of when she is older.

oh, my dear, i'm so sorry. this is very hard.

yes, you are absolutely positively allowed to handle the arrangements however best aligns with your feelings. don't let yourself get swayed on that matter.

i don't know if it's 'healthiest' or not, but you get to pick, and if you turn out to be wrong, you'll tweak it going forwards. don't make things even harder on yourself by second-guessing.

everyone told me when i was 10 and refused to go to my mother's viewing that i'd regret it my whole life. everyone was wrong.

keep the church service to invitation only and be firm about it. it's absolutely okay to have only the people you really want in attendance. if the folks who are not invited want something, they are free to arrange it themselves, aren't they?

my little mumsie (me evil stepmother) died in her sleep in her home, with my dad and brother in attendance. they sat with her for a while, then called the funeral home. if it's important for a doctor to come and pronounce a TOD then they'll let you know.

you'll model how to grieve to your small daughter by being candid, and taking care of yourself as best you can. if that means you put on a brave face for the public and break down when you're in the safety and privacy of family, that's absolutely fine. you can also tell her that it's okay if her grief looks different.

one thing i'll add, having recently read 'a monster calls' (which i recommend for everyone, but not you and your daughter right now) and having had the flashbacks it engendered, remember for yourself and your own daughter that it's okay in the upcoming weeks if you have occasional feelings of just wanting the whole ordeal to be over with.

be very gentle with yourself. don't censor your wildly seesawing emotions. give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel moment to moment without judgment.

you've got enough to do with the logistics of helping your mom face this without beating yourself up.

strength to you, my dear.
khairete
S.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can relate on not wanting your friends to attend the funeral, even though you appreciate their friendship. When my father passed, I felt about the same. I have close friends at work, but I really didn't care for them to see me at such an emotional time. It was important to me that they see me as a "stong" person, and I certainly did not feel strong at that time. I wanted to give and receive support from my family. I shared with a few of my closest friends my feelings and they in turn shared my wishes, knowing that I am a private person.

My father had Hospice Services and they told my mother that if he passed at home not to call 911, but to call Hospice. Maybe this is a question for the dr.

My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

I'm sorry that your mom is so sick.

Regarding the service, you don't have to publicize it. You can tell any friends and neighbors who inquire that you're just having a private family service, and you can withhold info about time, date, location.

Regarding question #2, you might consult a funeral director in advance. Since you know she'll be cremated, you probably have a funeral home selected. The funeral director will know how to proceed at the time the death occurs. They understand the all the processes, whether it's unexpected, or expected. They have great advice to offer, in a very sensitive way.

You might go to a library or bookstore (or amazon) and look for books about grieving written for children. You and your daughter could read one together, and it might help you understand your own emotions at the same time.

When my dad passed away at night, my mom called 911. An officer came to the house and called my dad's doctor who told him it was not unexpected and no need for an autopsy. Then the officer gave us permission to call the funeral home to come get the body. So, yeah, I would call 911.

If you don't want your friends there, just tell them it's a private service and don't offer any details (date, time, location).

As for your daughter, I wouldn't completely break down in front of her, but if she sees you crying or misting up, that's okay. She needs to see that it's okay to cry and to see that you have feelings. If you are always stoic in front of her, she might think you don't have feelings or that you don't care. Not the message you want to send.

I am so sorry. Nothing I could say would make you feel better, but I really am sorry. It is so hard to lose a parent.

I want to tell you that you need to go to her doctor now and get a DNR for her that is signed by the doctor. Tell them you want it for her at home.

The laws of your state may be different from mine, but when my sister died at home, my mother called the paramedics and they came. She was on her last breaths, and they were there with her, along with my mother. The DNR was displayed on the wall for the medics to see. They took my sister directly to the funeral home.

The point I am making is that you need to talk to the doctor and find out exactly what to do. Find out what the law says for your state. Have the coroner's phone number. Be ready.

I will tell you after having lost 2 family members (including this sister) to conditions that not having a DNR would have been cruel and unhelpful, that even having one is SO hard, because in the stark realization of the end of that precious life in front of you, it's so hard to tell the medics not to do anything, but instead to honor the DNR. Sometimes, the only way you can bear to do what is best for your loved one and do what they want, is to have that DNR in front of you. And it also saves you from some legal responsibilities with interfering family members who are not supposed to have a say, but want one anyway. (I would hate to call them drama queens/kings, but some of them act like that, trying to swoop in and take control because they have not been part of the process, but all of a sudden realize they haven't been in the patient's life enough, and now want to change that.)

Make sure there is a signed will. Make sure it's not in a bank security box. The bank will not open it after she dies without legal documents, and you need that will in order to start the process. If you think that family members will argue about a will that is recently signed, video her. An estate attorney can help with this. Life insurance? Where are the papers? You need to find that - with all the papers, the funeral home will take care of all of that for you all. It's a blessing, really. They will get the death certificate ordered for you (you will have to pay for that), and as soon as they receive them, they can get the life insurance work started.

Where is the title to the car? House? Do you have bank account statements? You will need to take the death certificate down to the court house along with her will, and a blue book value sheet that shows how much the car is worth. Call for an appointment (you aren't supposed to just show up) and the court officer will give you Letters of Testamentary. You will need to take these to the bank and open up an estate bank account. Make sure that you don't pay ANY of her bills from your own bank account. You can't get your money back if you write a check from your own account. You have to write it from the estate account.

Please, please, please, go ahead and write her obituary. She can talk to you about what she wants it to say. Do not put her birthdate in the obituary. Do not put her address in the obituary either. People have been robbed during the funeral because it was known that the family wouldn't be at home at that time. If you have family members who would like to help, that is very special. We did that for my mother-in-law. It was so much better than having to write my dad's in the middle of the night after I had just flown in from overseas. My mom couldn't do it and I had to do it for her. It has to be done for legal purposes quickly. You will want to email it to the funeral home (digital copy so that no misspellings retyping it will happen.) If you have already met with the funeral home, which I think you have, they will have a file on your mother and they will put the picture in her file and have the email ready to send to the paper after adding the date of death. They will send it for you to the newspapers you want them to go to. Ask the funeral home how much the specific papers charge per line and for a photograph to be added.

Sometimes a funeral home will ask for a form to be filled out when you come to them. Have they done this for your mom? For cremation, there is usually something to sign in advance. Talk to them about this.

Even with the cremation, you will want to choose something for your mom to wear. It's easier to do that now than to wait.

As soon as you have received the death certificates, look up the addresses of all 3 credit reporting agencies and write them a letter telling them about your mother passing. Include her social security number in the letter and ask them to freeze her account and mark it as deceased so that no one can open fraudulent credit in her name. You have to send a COPY (not an original - I found that out the hard way when they sent the original back and I had to start over) along with the letter.

You will need to call the credit card companies, her car insurance company if she still drives, and you will need to go down to the social security office. I would call the social security office and find out what all documents you will need to bring. Take a snack and a book because you'll wait for a long time in the social security office...

This is just a small amount of what has to be done, but it's the first part of what has to be done, and will get you started.

I know that none of this talks about how to grieve or how not to have people at the funeral, but your questions reminded me of these things that I had to help my mother with. Sometimes knowing these kinds of things in advance so that you can get them done can help a little with your grief. Some people need to DO something. Some people are paralyzed and can't do anything. And some people step up and do because somebody HAS to.

As for the service, just tell people it's a small family affair and not open to anyone that didn't personally know her. You can also put a comment in the obituary about the service being for her personal family and friends. That might make some people think that means they can't come that should get to come though. You will likely have to address this multiple times since you want to manage who can come and can't come.

You will come in with the family, sit with the family, go out with the family, and you probably won't even know who's actually there. But if you don't want people there...that's up to you.

You have to make plans with a funeral home and can contact some to get plan costs. They will know what you should do when she passes away.

I didn't really care for my mother. When she passed away I didn't cry or feel bad or anything. Weeks later, maybe even months later, I was in the kitchen cooking spaghetti pasta and thought of how I couldn't remember the first time I ever ate real spaghetti. That my mom had never made it. That she hadn't ever made much of anything to be honest. We'd have hockey puck Shake N Bake chicken thighs and beaten til it was 1/4" thick burned to a crisp in the broiler round steak.

I started crying because I was mad at her for never cooking spaghetti. I turned the fire off and walked into the bedroom crying and cussed her out good while telling my husband how mad I was at her.

That was it. I don't miss her at all.

I miss my mother in law all the time. She was an awesome lady.