I Just Failed My Last Math Test of the Quarter, How to I Tel Strict Parents?

Hi A.:
I have been a teacher for over 20 years. I also have two sons. My oldest is a lot like you. Bright and hardworking and a very good student.
So, now that you have a sense of who I am I want to tell you that you will be okay. Your parents might be upset, but eventually, they will be okay too. I am sorry that you think or know that you will be in massive trouble for one bad grade on a math test. That seems a bit harsh and unfair.

You do not say how old you are or what grade you are in, but I am guessing a freshman? Please know that there is a big world out there and not one single person in it is perfect. Not the greatest doctors or inventors or professors. Not the world leaders, ballet dancers or humanitarians. To be perfect is to be not human. The beauty of being human is in the great variety of perspectives and experiences and many of those experiences only come to us after we have failed at something. Even if your parents cannot see this, I want you to see this. I hope that you will try to embrace the idea of accepting, even embracing, a failure, as I know as a teacher that this truly is how we learn. And, BTW, a perfect GPA and a degree from the "perfect" college does not guarantee a perfect, happy life. Parents do want the best for their kids, and sometimes that means they think they have to makes sure that their kid is on track for a perfect life, but as I have said, no such thing exists.

As for telling your parents. Be honest and explain what happened. Having a nervous breakdown means that you need support and perhaps some counseling to help you deal with the stress that you are clearly experiencing. I am sure your parents do not want you to suffer such extreme distress. Be honest with them and ask for help. Please be sure to post what happens, because I will be thinking of you.

Wonderful response by Letty below. As a former teacher, I would echo that it's ONE test in ONE subject. Let's look at your overall average in the class.

I grew up with outrageous expectations by my mother, and they didn't help me do better, they only stressed me out. Please do talk to your guidance counselor or your teacher, or both, and get their support. Have one of them set up a conference with your parents to talk about what help you might need to do better and to flourish in the class without incessant pressure about pleasing someone else. This should be about extra help to master the skills in whatever part of a unit that you are struggling with.

And really, who are your grades for? For you? Are they a measure of what you have learned? They should be. Or are they a gift you are supposed to give your parents? Does your inability to master a section of math, or to fight against incomparable pressure, make you less in their eyes?

Maybe they are stronger and more accepting than you think. Maybe their strict standards are really for your behavior and not for your test performance? Maybe they will be able to admit that their pressure on you is backfiring and making it much harder of you to relax? See if there are some sessions you can take in relaxation and test prep, to get you more focused on what really matters. As the guidance counselor and maybe the school psychologist for some help in searching out resources. Runners and other athletes who hit a barrier, writers with writer's block, actors with stage fright, all work with stress reduction techniques to get out of their own heads and get over the next hurdle. But maybe that won't be necessary if your parents actually tell you that they love you no matter what, and that one test doesn't define you as a failure. I hope so.

You have an "A" in the class. You got an "F" on one test.
That doesn't mean you are failing the class now. It just means that you failed a test.
(I am currently a student in college and taking a Statistics class, which is so freakin' hard. I just failed a quiz and felt awful, even though I have an "A" in the class. What I just told you is what a friend told me when I started freaking out.)

I'm not going to answer as a teacher (I'm a substitute teacher.) I'm going to answer as a mother. If my child didn't tell me that they were failing a course, I'd be really upset. A lot MORE upset than if my child gave me a heads up.

Moreso, I'd be upset that my child had a nervous breakdown taking a test. That's the worst thing about it.

Now mind you, I didn't say that I'd be upset with my child. I said that I would be upset. I would get my child some help.

And that's what YOU need. You need some help. If you are having nervous breakdowns because of a subject, you need to talk to a counselor. First, level with your parents. Tell them what you've said here. Show them these answers. And ask them to get you help.

Part of growing up is taking responsibility. Taking responsibility means talking things through, dealing with the consequences, and then getting the right kind of help.