I Am Back Again with New Issue and Need Some Feedback

So he has guys night out and he spent the night over at his friends house because he was going to have to go back because of the football game? How old is this guy? 18? I would have told my husband the guys night out was great happy for ya dude but not sleeping over! You need to let him know that you don't like this and that it is time to join the "grown up" world.

i THINK THE TWO OF YOU NEED TO SEE A FAMILY/MARRIAGE COUNSELOR. HE HAS NOT GROWN UP YET AND HE IS NOT READY TO HANDLE THE RESPONSIBILITIES OF A WIFE AND CHILD. "SPEND THE NIGHT WITH A FRIEND?" I DON'T THINK SO!!!! WHO ELSE IS GOING TO BE SPENDING THE NIGHT AND ALL OF THE NEXT DAY. TELL HIM TO GET HIS A-- HOME AS SOON AS THE EVENT IS OVER. HE'LL STILL HAVE TIME TO GET SOME SLEEP BEFORE THE BALLGAME.

I guess I'm confused. Why are you angry if you told him to go ahead and do it? Men go into a marraige wanting everything to stay the same (including their wife). Women go into a marraige wanting to change everything (including their man). Women change, men really don't. His behavior isn't going to change just because you want it to and YOU can't change him - he's the only one who can. You are going to have to accept who he is and BE HONEST with him. If you don't want him to do something TELL HIM. May not change what happens, but it might. You also have to look at this way....will it matter next week or in a year? Is his spending his evening/night with the boys something that really matters - unless they're doing something wrong - what difference does it really make? You're daughters asleep, she doesn't know what's going on. Why are you so upset that he wants to spend time with friends? I don't think every other week is too much. If he's only drinking heavily when he's with them - then he's not letting his daughter see it and that's also a good thing.

I have been in nearly the same situation (minus the smoking). And am still dealing with the drinking too much issue. BUT after my 1st daughter was born (she is almost 3 now), it became a much bigger deal. We have been together off and on for 17 years - but have now been married for 4. Most of that time, for me, was focused on "getting him" or "having him". So much so that I really didn't "see" him for who he was. I just kept trying to make him who I wanted him to be. It finally hit me hard after the birth of my daughter. 1 - I did not want to put her through a divorce; 2- I did not want to live this way and 3 - I did not want my daughter growing up seeing me put up with this type of treatment/behavior. And what I finally realized is I cannot change him - only God can change him. And I can only change the way I respond. I started going to church - and the main reason was to save our marriage. I went with the idea that he had a long list of changes that needed to be made and I had a meeting with my pastor to discuss them and I just knew he would agree with me. However I was very enlightened during that meeting. Was I being the wife that God called me to be? The answer was no. Did that excuse his behavior? No. But the covenant of marriage which is a promise made to God is ours individually to fulfill. And I can attest to the fact that once you change your reactions, responses, etc. he will begin to change too. We do have all the power in the marriage. I'm sure you've heard "if mama ain't happy, no one is happy"? It's very true. One of the other ladies mentioned the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". It is a good recommendation. I will admit that after reading that and after the meeting with my pastor I was still torn and had lots of feelings like "why should I be the one making changes - he needs to". But again we can only control our reactions. I did still let him know what I would and would not accept, but did it calmly and lovingly and explained to him just how much he will influence his daughter's choices in life and would he really want her to be sitting home crying at 3am wondering if her husband was alive? in a wreck? cheating? And the thing is, my husband is not cheating. He is just a good old boy who enjoys time with his friends and just has issues with moderation. It really is hard to explain, but you have to focus on your attitude while making him feel appreciated and respected - even if he doesn't deserve it. This may not be the popular opinion - most people just think "get out". BUT I believe we owe it to our children to teach them how to be married and work through problems, not just throw in the towel. No matter how you got to this point - by not telling him or whatever doesn't even matter. All that matters now is how you handle things going forward. Hope this is helpful. Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers. Oh yeah and pray every night that God change your husband's heart. I have been praying that and I can honestly say that I am seeing changes = however small or slow, they are still there and it is such a better marriage and happier home life. Hang in there.

This is kind of long, but I was really touched by your predicament...

If you do not like his behavior, then when he asks for your permission, you should not give it. If he is not asking for your permission, when he tells you his plans, you should directly tell him what you don't like about them. If you can stay calm, you can explain your rationale for not wanting him to do certain things.

I am not sure if you are upset with his actual behavior or what the patterns of his behavior signify to you. For instance, are you upset that he drinks when he goes out or does his drinking in excess (however you define that) mean something to you that upsets you? Does his going out more than once a month (as you do) upset you, if so, why?

I think it is REALLY important that you break this down for yourself so you can explain it to him and not just lump it under "you haven't grown up." All of his behaviors can be viewed as grown up, but it sounds like they mean something to you that is juvenile.

In order to have a successful marriage, you will need to be able to speak your mind in a way that he can hear and understand. This is why it is so important to be direct. If you need help with any of this, you should seek out help from a professional (either as and individual or as a couple).

Best of luck to you on this one. I feel ya girl, I struggle with helping my husband to understand how I feel about certain things he does as well. It's not easy, but it is so necessary to not build up the anger and resentment that tear down relationships.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I want to share this with you. It doesn't mean this is what is happening in your marriage. I just want to share it with you so you aren't blinded. My husband was always encouraging me to go on girls nights and go visit my sisters who live out of town. He also has alot of guys nights (so I thought) and drinks too much and stays out way too late. I know now that his encouragement was to try to make it fair so he could keep going out with his friends.
My husband was having an affair. He used the guys night out as an excuse. Oh, he was with the guys for a little while, then went to be with her. His same excuses for sleeping over were the same. He also would spend some time with the guys then sleep over her house. The whole just got back from vacation thing. Yes, he had been away from her the whole week we were on vacation and made up his usual excuses to go see her since he was gone for a week. I hope this is not what is happening to you. Even if it is it is not hopeless. The other lady called me and had no idea he was married. I confronted him. We separated and he realized the grass was not greener. We have been going to Biblical couseling and are back together. He has made some big changes and life is good. Please take this into consideration, it sounds so much like the husband I used to know.

You're asking the questions - but it sounds as if you already know the answers.

You can try the old Dear Abby adage of "Am i better off with him or without him". She always encourages someone to make a list of the pros and cons and weigh the results.

It sounds as if you need validation in what your gut is already telling you needs to happen. Unless your husband is ready to grow up (and stop having sleep overs with his buddies), he's not really ready for a grown up relationship that involves a wife, child and home.

Hello Traci,

I'm sorry to say that your husband sounds like an immature college boy. He is old enough to know what a father should do and act like. He is not being a husband nor a father. You are strong enough to raise your child on your own. (You only have one child) He shouldn't even have "asked" about staying the night. How immature! Smoking dope too---what's up with that? Get rid of him--now! There are men out there who want to have a family, and share a life with a good woman. I was in your situation once---never again. (I had two young girls at the time) If you had said "no, I don't want you to spend the night at your friend's house" --he would have done it anyway. There is no excuse for his behavior. Hate to say this, but sounds like there's more to it. My ex was in his late 20's when this all happened, not his late 30's. I am happy now, remarried to a man who is a true husband and father. He wants to be home and spend time with us. Do what is right for you! Best of luck to you!

Sounds like your husband isn't through being a teenager yet. You did't say how old he is but regardless, this is definintly the attitude & behavior of an immature adult. He's married & has a child, he should definitly be more responsible & definitly more into you & his family rather than what makes him 'happy'. I dated a guy like that for 3 yrs! I really liked some things about him but the longer I was w/him, the less I liked him. He cared so much more about his relatives & his friends & having a 'good time' his way that what my needs, wants were & what our needs were as a couple. Anything we did together was stuff 'he' wanted to do. If I wanted to do something/go somewhere that interested me or something I thought we'd 'both' like it was out of the question. He spent more time in the bathroom primping than any female I've ever known--45 min. at LEAST on his hair alone! If I didn't want to do the activity or go to the place he wanted to it was always an argument w/him. It got to the point where he'd get so jealous, possessive and paranoid if I went anywhere w/my female relatives or friends. He'd accuse me of cheating on him just me going to the mall b/c I didn't buy anything so naturally because I didn't come home w/a bunch of purchases that meant I was actually cheating (not true! I just didn't buy anything but he couldn't accept that) so I started coddling him by actually coming home w/stuff I'd bought & then he'd get mad coz I didn't buy 'him' anything! SO childish! I finally was able to dump his sorry a** after 3 yrs & 10 times trying! The bad thing about your situation is that you're married & have a child together so what to do? Firstly, as hard as it may seem & harsh as it may sound, you need to leave him. Let him be a child all by himself, you do not need this emotional let down. Please do not stay "for the sake of the child" like so many do these days. It's not good now, it's bound to get worse. Just sit him down & ask him, does he love you. Tell him that you won't be mad if he doesn't. Be prepared for whatever he may say. If he says he does but just wasn't as ready for this type of family life then be understanding. Take it as a relief that you can move on w/your life. If he says 'yes' all around then let him know how you feel. Ask him if he feels the same. If he does then let him know that his behavior is not the way a grown, adult man w/responsibilites is supposed to behave. It's great that he has friends & has interests but it's what his world revolves around. It's supposed to revolve around his family (you & your child together) not his social life. Let him know that it needs to change or you will need to separate, then follow through. Sometimes guys need a kick in the pants to change. Some guys will never change & you hafta accept that possibility too. I hope you find my words as helpful & not negative. I wish you the best of luck!

Obviously you have some resentment towards him. Just because the time you spend with your friends is one way, it does not mean the the time he spends with his friends has to be the same.

Relax a little. Talk with him about how much time he spends away from the family and tell him you do not like it. Or you could just get over it and let him do what he wants within reason. My personal opinion, his actions are within reason except for the drinking and smoking. Just come to some kind of agreement about how much time you expect him to spend with the family.

I gotta say I'm with ya on the spending the night thing, its weird to me that a grown married man with a child would want to spend a night away from home ( unless he had to of course). Are his friends single?
I can understand getting time in with friends and not having your spouse and child there, I think thats fine. As a matter of fact, I think thats NEEDED. But really there needs to be some boundaries as to how much time.
You can't change him, that is not any news to you, you know that already; only he can change himself.

sounds like maybe you need to stand your ground or maybe you two need to see a counselor, who can help you say what you are feeling. If you give permission it makes it harder for you to go back and be upset about it. You need to tell him how you feel and if he does it any way then you can tell him how you feel about what he did. Where do you live? In East Tx there is a VOW program which is a great marriage enhancement course. My hubby and I don't have a lot of big problems and we took it, "just because" and it is amazing how much better we understand each other. If you can find something like that it might help. Good luck. I know it can be hard, its worth the work.

The partying needs to stop. So does the sleepovers. You have a kid, he needs to grow up.

Me and my ex used to go out every single weekend after we had our daughter. EVERY weekend and with both of us working, our priorities were messed up in a big way. To no surprise, we got divorced.

Family has to be TOP priority or it won't work.
Family is NOT a priority for him.

REally, a couple nights a month MAX for him and the boys is enough. A two year old is a full time job, he is not pulling his weight.

NIP it now, otherwise you are looking at your life ten years down the line.

There is a big chance your husband is not being honest with you. You know him better than anyone. The reason he does this is because you "allow" him to treat you this way. I have learned alot on marriage from Mark Gungor, he has a radio show that talks about marriage issues. As Mark would say,it sounds like your husband needs a "butt kicking." Not physically, well if you go to Mark's website you know what I'm talking about. Here it is www.laughyourway.com/
You can access the radio show by going to "Online Experience" then Mark Gungor Radio Show. It is very helpfuel but it is up to you to go to it. I hope things get better for you.

Traci, it really seems to me that you have probably been silent with him for so long, and now you're ready to burst. This behavior did not just start with him; it's not the kind of thing that starts overnight. I wonder if you have just kinda gone along with it, suffering in silence, and now are feeling no choice but to scream out about it.

If he's in the habit of behaving in that way for this long, then you have no right to expect him to just up and quit cold turkey. I mean, I don't like, but it is who he is, and you married him. When you said, "I do," you agreed to accept him as he was. I know that you're frustrated, but try to see it from his perspective. Maybe you had hopes that he would change, but if the two of you did not discuss and agree to that, then you had no right to assume that it would change for the better. He had no reason to know that it was a problem. His current behavior has worked for him for a long time. He has built his life around it. He probably sees this change in you as some whim that will probably change again after a bit. He's been consistent, and you're being counter-productive by jumping on him.

You should stop looking down on him and figure out a way to communicate with him, to let him know that this change in you is a permanent one and you want to renegotiate the terms of your relationship. It will take a long time to break this habit, so you'll have to give some, if you want to remain married. Example: What would have happened if you had agreed to get a sitter and go with him. That sounds impractical, but he would have seen your efforts to be with him. Maybe he would have seen that you were very tired but hanging in there with him, and that would have prompted him to say to the guys, "I've gotta get my wife out of here so she can rest." For a husband, there's nothing like seeing it for himself with the compassion of his wife.

Another thought--if you suddenly found your courage in motherhood, he could be thinking in one or both of two directions. 1. You're hormonally unbalanced, which means that consistency from him is crucial. 2. You care more about being a mother than you do about being a wife, which makes him insecure about what his place is at home, thus pushing him to do what eh knows...and enjoys. Whatever you are asking of him, he's got to OWN it, and that comes from being in it and seeing how it works for him. It's that simple. We do what works for us. If he's only going to get stress and criticism as your husband, he'll never rise to what you say you want.

Seek a counselor who can put this into perspective for you and give you tools to incorporate your new thoughts and behaviors into the marriage that you share with your EQUAL PARTNER.

he is not a mind reader. neither are you. you need to tell him no when you mean no and not expect him to know your going to be annoyed and irritated. he wants you to have fun too and sees nothing wrong with what he is doing. because your doing it too...not on his level but he dosent see it that way. also i hear fire proof is the movie to see...havent seen it myself but friends highly recomend it.

He needs to grow up and be a husband and father rather than act like a single guy. You should also not tell him it's okay to do something when you really don't mean that. He's not a mind reader although I'm sure he already knows you disapprove of his decision. But rather than assume he knows that, tell him.

But again, he's 37, not 17. There's a reason he is going out with friends like this. Figuring out that reason is the hard part. Counseling may help but if he doesn't think he needs help then you are wasting money. My ex and I went to therapy but he never thought he had any issues, it was all my fault. Thus we spent money for nothing.

Good luck. Make sure you aren't having these fights in front of your daughter and try to create a happy place for her. She can sense problems and you don't want her to get anxious because of the adult problems going on around her.

HI TRaci, It sounds as if your husband is still acting like a teenager. It is difficult to keep a marriage together if one partner is unwilling to make any compromises. It is also difficult to keep a marriage together if one person works nights and the other is up during the day. You are not getting anywhere with arguing. You need to go to a marriage counselor. I would also bring up the issue of his continuing to smoke dope. This is something he should not do in front of his child. It will become an issue as the child grows up and thinks this behavior is o.k. It is not. It is illegal- first of all and it does lead to lack of initiative in people. It does seem that you have outgrown this man, but you must want to keep the marriage together, so marriage counseling is the best option for you. Good luck. Let me know what happens. J. K.

Hi Traci,

As I read your letter, I thought of a great book I just read! It is Driven to Distraction by Dr. Edward Hallowell. I don't know if your husband as AD/HD, but if you think so, this book will be of unbeliveable help! I saw it on Amazon.com for about $10. WORTH IT! Good luck, L.

I understand what you mean.I'm not merried but,i work nights and when i get home from work he does'nt even want to spend time with me.He does'nt work so i can't understnd why he's so tired.I think that while i'm at work he has somebody in my house and i told him that he needs to find a job or get out.He rather sleep all day instead of look for work.I'm sick of it.Yes,he does act like he used too and i'm not gonna live with it again.I can do bad on my own then to deal with his lies.What do you think i should do call the cops and kick him out on the streets because,i know that he does'nt love me and if your husband is not helping you with the baby love does'nt pay the bills

Traci I can definitely understand how you are feeling. I agree that this is NOT something that a 37 year old man should be doing ...especially one that is a husband and a father. He needs to re-evaluate his priorities. I've had some disagreements with my husband concerning priorities and considering that we haven't been married a long time it was just a matter of adjusting to the "NEW" living environment. I think that it does take quite a bit of adjusting for both the man and the woman when it comes to taking care of household duties. Plus understanding that hanging out with friends and drinking should be something done more less than often. Sit down and discuss the matter and try your best to hold your tongue (I too have had a problem with this). However, being mindful of what you say or at least putting it in "less threatening" tones will truly help alot. I've had to pray lots and so has my husband and fortunately with God's help we are truly gaining a better understanding for one another. I pray this situation will get better for you. I know the stress you're under!

For the sake of your daughter, I would suggest you do everything you can to save your marriage. You should also read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You have so much power to bring change once you find out the three things your husband craves and will want to be home more if he gets them. It's worth it, trust me!

You really need to let him know how his being gone makes you feel - assert yourself, but in a calm way. Write it down if need be. Your marriage sounds very one-sided - he does need to be more a part of a couple and family, not just a party boy.

You may not like his behavior nor understand it. I would at a later date talk to him about it if you feel it can possibly be resolved. Otherwise, he will not change unless he wants to and no amount of words or looks or punishment from you will change that. (It will only make matters worse.) So, at this point, I would choose my battles and choose to be happy with him in spite of his faults. Put him first, not your child, and you will be amazed how much he will want to spend time with you and make you happy. But, many men will still also want that guy time. Don't fight him on this one is my suggestion. Let it go and be happy for him and enjoy the peace.

I am not a fan of sleeping over but guys night out is a good thing if he is not 2 crazy! Once or twice a month is good. You need to do the same though! It is good to do this!

No ma'am my husband was some what the same way tilkl I spoke up ...you are allowing this to happen cause men have to be told exactly what to do...and also a grown man, married and father need not spend the night at his friends house to be on time for a football game I mean what is this HIgh School... if he can not come in early enough he needs to choose one or the other he has responsibilites also

I think your husband is stuck in his teen years: irresponsible, loves to party, thinks of himself more than others, wants to break into the film industry and "play" for his job.
I think you 2 need to see a counselor.

He needs to grow up!

If you did not want him to stay the night you should have said so. Men are not cerebral enough to catch the things are girlfriends would. You have to say what you mean and mena what you say. It is the only way you can get your point across with males of any age. As for the going out...I think it should be more equal. Don't judge what he does with his friends. I am sure he thinks what you do with yours is boring...Don't forget to have your date for each other every month. A date that does not include anything for work, only ya'll.

Some thing smells wrong here, and I would do a little checking without him knowing.Follow him if possible do not let him know that you are going to do this.If you have only one car arrange with a friend to take you.Have them over before he leaves. No this is not normal in a marriage,I have been married for over 30 years and this is not normal behavior for a husband with a family......unless.

Traci,

I think you need to ask yourself if this is the kind of man you want your daughter to grow up knowing as a good example for a good man to start a family with and be with for the rest of her life. As parents, we need to lead by example and not just "do as I say". Your husband has to get his priorties straight and realize that he has a wife and a child to care for. It's not about his wants and needs anymore. It's not about hanging out with his buddies all the time. It's about being there for his family.
Would you want your daughter to go be with a person who drinks too much and smokes "funny cigarettes"? If the answer is "No", then why to you put yourself through that? You are much more worthy of a man that is going to respect you as a woman and as the mother of his child. I think you need to let him know how you feel, other than the anger and fustration that you feel when he goes out, and let him know what you expect from him as a father and a husband. Communication is needed in order to resolve issues.

God Bless,
E.

I agree with the other posters that you need to tell him how you feel. Don't tell him it is okay to go and spend the night and the entire next day with his friends if you are not okay with it. He does seem to be somewhat immature, so you are going to need to spell everything out for him. My husband has never been one to go out at night with the guys, but he does occasionally have drinks with co-workers after work. When we first got married, I was alarmed that he would go out and have 2 or 3 drinks in an hour and then drive home. I told him I thought it was too much alcohol for him to be driving, so he cut back and now limits himself to no more than one drink per hour. If I had said nothing and just fumed about it internally, he would probably still be having several drinks and then driving home somewhat intoxicated--22 years later! My husband is a 'yeller' and it is extremely difficult at times for me to tell him about things I am unhappy with, but I force myself to do it because I know things will not change if I say nothing. I think this is the only reason we've been able to stay together all these years. Good luck to you!

Dear Traci:

You don't realize it but you hold all the cards in your hands. The fact is you are the queen of hearts and she rules all. What you have to ask yourself is do you trust, love, and get what you need from this man. Then ask yourself why. If the answer you come up with in along the line of he doesn't care, then you need to care enough to move on. I will be fifty next year and allowed my husband to do as he pleased. I raised our two daughters alone while he worked and chased his money and dreams. I never got the quality time I wanted but unlike your hubby mine was always in the garage or close by. We love each other but do I have regrets? YES! I am too old to go out there again. You see my relationship lacked romance and we argued a lot. So much that my kids will not engage in arguments with anyone, right or wrong. If he is not what you want, he is what he is. I sit here today as example to you. My husband is now too old to be romantic and funny thing is now he wants to and I'm long over that. I guess what I wish for you and any other woman is to tap into yourself and don't sell yourself short. Ask what you want in your life. He has his sights on film and you need to set yourself some goals, tell him what it is that you expect and repect yourself, if no one else does. A good thing would be to turn that staying with your friend all night back on him and if he questions, tell him it just doesn't sound right, huh? Let him call Tyrone..if you know what I mean. I would suggest that you go back to school. while he's out you get out. Just make your outings productive. I would have him sit at home while I got an education. You see right now your daughter is young and she will not miss you as much as when she's older. Finally, trust God and ask him to guide your feet. Remember you are the queen and your brain, heart and that little triangle of real estate that you own can bring his kingdom to it's feet, if you use them correctly. Take care and keep in touch.

Hello Traci! I think that it is good that yall have time apart and time with your friends, HOWEVER, there is no need for him to act like a 21yr old frat boy. I think its a little absurd myself and I believe he needs to stop and think about what his priorities are in his life, especially at his age. Going out drinking all night and getting high is not the behavior of a daddy and married man, at least not a good one. You do what makes you happy, maybe some counseling will help. If he is that irresponsible, he may be bringing the wrong kind of people around you and your daughter. She comes first, do what is best for her. And only you know what that is. God Bless you and your family! :)

Is he cheating? No grown married man has sleep overs for just a football game!

How is he going to explain situations like this to his little one? She's going to start noticing he's gone (etc.)Fatherhood isn't a trap to make one "behave" its this precious gift to give his daughter, who will grow up adoring him. Whatever hurt he's carrying from his dad, (and just about all men have this) he can make things right for his daughter, maybe he needs to start thinking this way. I know I'm preaching to the wrong crowd...just brainstorming some way of reaching his heart...you can't change anything...he has to change from within...and to do this he has to find something to be passionate about...my suggestions...God and parenthood...hopefully that will lead him back to you...heard once that sometimes men need to be reminded that the best things in life are right within the walls of their homes...that you are the best thing that is in his life...and if treated right, can only get better. :)