Husband's Family Unfair to My Son?

Updated on April 07, 2010
M.P. asks from Daly City, CA
5 answers

My husband and I have been married for over 3 years and have 2 children together. I have a son from a previous marriage. Yesterday my husband and I were invited to his sister's house to have cake for his niece and nephew for their birthday. My son's birthday was the week prior and since it was not celebrated with anyone from his side (1 sister lives too far to celebrate and the other one couldn't make it to his party) I thought they would include him in the cake singing. They didn't. The sister who lives far also didn't even wish his a belated birthday. I guess what I'm getting at is I'm really disappointed they didn't even acknowledge his birthday that just passed. That is just 1 scenerio.

The 2nd scenerio is during Christmas several of my husband's nieces and nephews did really well on their report card and were given extra gifts or money. My son who is an honor society and A student was not included in this. My MIL who gave the extra gift was very aware of my son's achievements and even praised him several times did not mention anything about him.

3rd sceneario....my son was invited to Fanfest this past weekend by MY brother and his gf. As they were walking around he ran into my Sister in law's husband and found out that all the other kids were invited but my son wasn't. My husband found out what happened and was really upset, but he doesn't want to bring it up to them. I was really appalled when I found especially since this was a free event and never once have I ever sent my son without his own money or anything of that sort. I think an invitation would have nice.

My question: Should I talk to my son to see if this hurt him or should I wait for him to bring it up? He just turned 13 and sometimes doesn't communicate his feelings even when he hurt or sad. Teenage age, I guess. I don't want him to feel hurt. Am I over-reacting?

I also had the same thing happen to me as a child where I didn't feel apart of my step father or step mothers family or felt like their was not a lot of equallness, which I guess I feel is happening to my son. It really sucks as a parent to see this happening to him too I'm just afraid the pattern is only beginning.

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C.K.

answers from Detroit on

I've seen this situation as well. My older sister was not accepted into my father's family because she was not his biologically. My father adopted her when she was 8 years old, and they still never accepted her. She was treated much the same. My father finally went to them (my grandmother and aunt) and told them that she's his as much as I am, and they need to include her. They didn't. They never even tried. Things we're strained until my father's death, and I haven't seen/heard of/talked to anyone from his family since then. I didn't even attend my grandmother or aunt's funerals. I think it was brave of my father to stand up to them, but ultimately, just remember, it's up to them to bridge that gap. If they don't, then you may have to step back from them. If your husband isn't willing to do that, just make it clear that your children together might suffer to see their brother be left out. If you still can't resolve the issue, just let your husband go alone to family functions, with none of the kids. It's better to keep your immediate family intact and together as a "team", then to separate them for the sake of the older generation, at least IMO.

2 moms found this helpful
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O.V.

answers from San Juan on

you should talk to your son, but your husband has to take your son side with his family, When I got married my husband had two kids who move in with us, so I told my family they were mine, so after 5 year when I had my first child, my family knew they were 3, so after 25 years I have four children and the older one is making me a grandma

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K.S.

answers from Longview on

I can relate to how you feel i have a daughter by a previouse marriage and then i have 3 kids with my husband.i think you should find out if your son is upset cause i also have a 13 year old and she keeps it to herself til i confront her with it .then she opens up .and as far as your husband family no offense but take matters in your own hand i had to . tell them it doesnt only affect you but it affects your son worse.you know youyr husband new you had a child when he got with you and as far as i look at it you and your son was a package deal he nows that he needs to stand up to his family and let them know that they can't treat him that away.ii have fought the battle for years til one day my mother in law bought my other 3 kids something brought it to my house and i told her the kids coudnt have it if there wasnt something for my dauighter yeah it mad her mad for a long time but my point got across to her and now all 4 of my kids get when she brings something sorry sometime u have to make people mad to make them realize how unfair they are being.

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A.S.

answers from Louisville on

hey...i am feeling very bad for you.
talk to your son.Be casual and make sure u tell him it's not a big deal and some times grown ups behave like that...and that it is NOT his fault.
Also talk to your husband...ask him to take a stand up for your boy...tll him if he doesn't address this....it could lead to strained relations between u and ur in laws...with ur children having to take sides which could tear the family apart not to mention the feelings of hurt and rejction your boy might go thru...
.take care...i was rejected by my father's family when i was a child and i was terribly hurt by it.
dont let your boy grow up thinking that u chose ur relationship with ur husband and their family over him. HE SHOULD COME FIRST AND HE SHOULD KNOW HE COMES FIRST.
God bless you

R.D.

answers from San Francisco on

This must be so hard for your son! He has to be hurting inside and not saying anything. I am a M. of 2 children by previous marriage and 1 with my now husband. My children and our child have never been treated differently. Either by his side or mine. Had there been some special treatment given to our son I'm sorry but I would have said something to the family. Your husband is probably afraid that he may upset the apple cart with his family however as kids get older they don't forget that daddy didn't do something about it. As you can read in some of the other posts'. Your son will blame him in later years' not his family. At some point in time he will confront your husband or just not have a lot to do with him. I know this is hard to take but in most cases it turns out true. I think your husband should get a handle on it now. You all came together not as one (yourself).
Your husband need not get mad at his family but ask them why they don't include your son in family gatherings'. Do they feel that he is not part of them, and if so well he will have to give up his family for the sake of tearing yours apart. Their is obviously a problem especially when they didn't even say a belated Birthday to your husband. That is so totally unfair. I think that in itself almost tells' you how they feel towards your relationship with your husband. I'm sure he is hurt as well. If your son starts to act differently towards your husband when he's about 15 you will know why. Get to the bottom before its to late, something should have been said yesterday, don't wait another minute. Take care and I wish you the best of luck with both your husband and your son. If I seemed rude about this it was not meant to be, I just want you to see that things could change in a big way, either positive or negative.

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