Husband Suddenly Leaving Home

We all want to run away sometimes... But it should be a 30 minute walk around the block, not escaping to a motel without giving you any information. It sounds like he has some growing up to do. You guys need to sit down and talk about what he can do (what is acceptable for both of you) when he's had more than he can take. My husband also has low tolerance for kid's behavior. I understand how hard it is to make everthing better so that he can cope. Good luck and let him know that you need to be a team to get through the hard times. Help him (or get counseling) to decide better ways to handle difficult times.

You've said your piece.
Now say no more.
LoJack him.
http://www.gpsspousetracking.com/Driver%20Tracking/Track%...
You'll find out for sure whether you have something to talk about with a lawyer or not.

I don't think it's overly emotional to call what your husband did "inconsiderate, irresponsible, and immature," as well as "abandonment." It's fact. He's shirking his responsibilities, failing to communicate with you, and in general acting like a petulant child. He was mad because the kids were sick? And because they wouldn't be quiet? Wow. Just, wow. He needs some serious help on how to deal with frustration while still functioning as a responsible adult. I suggest couples counseling. Ultimately, he's hurting you and himself, and modeling awful behavior for your kiddos. Good luck!

Having lived more than 50 years on this earth I've seen my share of selfish men. While there are some moms who are selfish it seems that for most of us pregnancy, childbirth and caring for infants & toddlers really works out all of the selfishness. Most moms become very selfless after going through it all.

On the other hand - it seems to take years for many men to grow up and lost their selfish nature. There are some men who are not so selfish, but even one of my pastors has commented that men seem to be so selfish. I think it's a combination of nature and nurture. I guess they had to have a selfish nature in order to ensure their families had enough to eat back 100+ years ago - and mothers don't help in allowing their sons to avoid responsibilitiy - and our culture seems to promote the adolescent-adult man more and more as time goes by.

None of that helps you however. I think part of the problem is that your husband has this job that allows him to be away from the family half of the time and live like a single guy. I'm not saying that he's out carousing with women - but he does get to spend these quiet evenings without the responsibilities and unpredictability that kids bring to your life. Seems that he expects the kids to be little automatons - and climb right in bed and go to sleep on schedule, etc. HA!

You and he need to have a calm quiet discussion about expectations. He needs to adjust his to reality and he needs to hear from you what you expect from him. YOu need to be positive in telling him how the kids are so excited when dad's around, that they need his positive influence in their little lives, that he can be such a great dad, etc. Proplr will often rise to your expectations (or sink if expectations are set low).

He needs to understand that this is a season in your family's life. It doesn't last forever - but ti does last a few years. When our kids were this age it was a VERY tough time in our marriage. I was exhausted, my husband was a rookie cop working starnge hours, weekend, evenings, holidays, etc. You need a strong outside support system of family and friends - I hope you have that nearby - I would not have survived if not for my sister and mom.

There were many times that my husband just completely freaked out and acted like a total 13 yr old - and there were many times I thought our marriage was over. There was screaming and yelling - I threw a plastic cup at him once and missed and it bounced off my DD's head!!!! Another time he completely flipped the kitchen table over - with all kinds of stuff on top of it. He left a few times and I threw him out a few times. I told him that when he grew up he could call me and we'd discuss at that time and see if I could stomach the idea of him coming back.

OMG - when I think back of those days I wonder how we got through it!!! How much he's grown up - THANK GOD!

He needs to understand that being a parent requires a lot of self sacrifice - he needs to understand that children need to know that they can depend on their parents to be a safe place for them to go. Kids need security - and if he's going to flake-out when the going gets tough you and the kids need to consider if that's enough.

Finally pray about this situation. I really believe that there's a God who cares about the details of our life and wants to work this all out for good in the long run. Hand off your husband to God and let Him take care of the man. When I did that with my husband and stopped badgering him I was amazed with the way God worked in his life - he went through some tough times, a bad car accident, and more - but he has come out as a completely different man. Still not the perfect man - but it's day vs. night. He's grown up, he realized what he needed to do to become the man that the kids and I need and he's done it.

All the best mama - be strong.

So he has been gone out of town, back for 1 day and he is so overwhelmed he had to leave? Im sorry to say but to me it sounds like there is ALOT more to this story than we (and probably you) know. He should have been over the moon to get home to his family, not high-tailing it out the door bc of a little chaos at home. It is not right or fair for you and your children to have to live in a constant state of wonder as to what will trigger him to leave the next time. I imagine the floors of your house are covered in egg shells. I would suggest sitting down with him and asking him to be honest with you, know matter what he thinks the consequences may be or how he thinks it is going to make you feel. You DESERVE to know what is going on. I am sending you strength as I cannot imagine how you are feeling right now. Please don't let this go, get to the bottom of what is going on now, so that you are not blind-sided with it later.

There has to be something else going on here. Leaving the house after a big fight with your spouse for a few hours to blow off steam is one thing, sleeping at a motel because the kids are cranky is another. No way would I put up with this behavior. Either you two go to counseling and figure out what is really going on here, or the next time he pulls this stunt--you don't call looking for him, you change the locks! This is completely unacceptable.

Sounds like he holds his emotions in for too long and his only recourse rather than blowing up and punching holes in the walls is to walk away.
It's an obvious communication problem between two, tired parents.
In as much as we ALL try to maintain control of ourselves during the early years of marriage with maniacle children, at one time or another we explode and do something totally out of character.
I would say you two really need to make "date nights" as silly as they sound. But it is very important to remain important to each other and pretend to be kidless for a couple of nights per month to eliminate what you are experiencing right now.
You two are losing each other in the battle to be good parents.
You must put your marriage first, always! You cannot take care of your kids if you dont take care of each other first. Too many people put the kids first and lose their relationship with each other and then you cant be good parents because there is no team work.
Find some way to have someone watch your kids for a few days and take him out to a hotel and pretend like you are single again. Do not talk about the kids .... go have some FUN somewhere and get away from the home time drama.
I applaud him from walking out while mad and not doing something stupid, but it is still the wrong way to handle the situation on many levels.
Leaving you home stressed out and worried is VERY unfair and rude of him.
Tell him you want to go too next time!
Holidays cause us to get more crazy and do dumb things. What he's done is forgivable but it's a flag waving brightly that you need to work on your marriage and bcome a unit so you can handle this stuff.
Men like to come home from work with the kids all settled and happy. Moms like to come home from work to the same type of environment. Trying to make that happen for each other is what needs to be done.
Good luck.

You need to breathe. A lot of people are putting weird and negative ideas in your head.
I'd sit hubby down and tell him that this can't happen anymore because it's only making things worse and is basically "abandonment" when he does it. Tell him you understand his frustration at times and that you have them too! You are an adult, you don't "runaway" when the going gets tough and you especially don't leave your wife and children sitting home worrying whether or not you are dead or alive.
Walking out to cool down is one thing, staying gone all night is another. However I've done that myself so I know it doesnt mean he's cheating!
I dont agree with Ann Maries philosophy, she just mightl find herself in some trouble one day because of her attitude on men and marriage.....
To stay married 50 years you WILL have some rough spots such as this one. You have to work to FIX it, it is NOT a total deal breaker by any means, it is however a challenge and a banner waving letting you know that it's time to change some dynamics at home. If you two cannot talk calmly about it you need a 3rd party..... maybe a good non partial family member, a pastor, a grandparent that has been there done that, or a pro counseling session.
Marriages have ebbs and flows, hills and dales. NEVER think the worst but do plan strategies to fix what isnt right. You two are not enemies, you are playing for the SAME team.
Have a serious discussion with your husband. Talk about the future of your marriage. Don't threaten but do let him know that you will not tolerate this type of non communication any further. Remind what it will be like not living with his children and how much child support is a pain in the rear....
He just needs to snap back to reality. He's probably got some single guy friends that he likes to hang out with, maybe he's a gamer? He's feeling pressure and does not know what to do with it, yes, he's acting like a 3 yr old.... but it might be because he doesnt know what else to do.
I advise you not to be a shrieking shrew but a strong woman with a goal in mind, let him know your goal and if he wants to continue being married then he needs to take part and act like a husband and father and not a child from here on out.
What were his parents like? You may find a lot of reasons why his behavior is such just by talking to his mom.
Good luck.
You have your hands full. But keep doing what you are doing, you are being a good wife and mother.
If he just got home from being overseas you will be dealing with some issues. Priorities get skewed for them, they see and live something that is much different than what we are used to..... so things that were important arent as important anymore. You might seeks some counceling from the VA even, just to help you weather some of the storms.

I'm sorry but there is way more going on with your husband than you know. You need to find out.
Another woman? Maybe. Drugs? Maybe. Alcohol? Maybe. Strip clubs/adult movie theatre? Maybe.
The possibilities are endless, but he isn't going to a motel to sleep. If he was that tired he would have found a quiet room in the house, asked you to stay with the kids in a different room so he could sleep.
He's using this as an excuse, something's got a hold of him and you don't have a clue what's really happening. Perhaps a private investigator is a good idea. Check the bank records. Have a friend come watch the kids and follow him. Install GPS tracking on his phone (without his knowledge).
God bless. Let us know what happens

Okay what he did was wrong, there's no doubt about that. But I thought I might be able to give you some different perspective because, while I have never done this, I have wanted to do it and I have thought about doing this very thing many times. When I have felt this way what is usually going on in my head is that I don't belong where I am. There doesn't have to be an argument, there doesn't have to be an event, it's just an overwhelming feeling of isolation. Whatever is happening is something I'm on the outside looking in on. When you've spent a lot of time alone, you soothe yourself by being alone. Seems counter productive, I know, but it seems natural to me and I have to work against it because logic tells me it's counter productive. So there is a possibility, if your husband has spent a lot of time alone in his life and if he just recently returned to the family scene, that he became overwhelmed by a feeling of being an outsider and he was seeking refuge with the only person he wholly trusts - himself. So that is what I would ask him. I would ask him what he was feeling when he answered this internal urge to leave. I would ask him if it brought him the comfort he was seeking. I would ask him what alternatives there might be when he feels like this so that he doesn't make you and the kids feel unsafe or feel to blame for it. Of course, I don't know your husband. Maybe he's just a selfish jerk who wanted a good night's sleep but there could be something more to it. Good luck.

Oh my, this is not good. I used to take off in the car when mad, and my hubby put a stop to that. Just told me that it was dangerous and we had to stay in it to fix it. He started this thing of wanting to drive separately when we were mad and had to go somewhere, I put a stop to that because I don't appreciate him thinking he can just leave me anytime he is not perfectly comfortable. My point is everybody wants to run away from life sometimes, I know I have!! But we don't. I think when he does come back you need to ask him to please stop leaving every time he is upset or angry. Is there a man cave somewhere in the house he can go, like a den with a tv, a computer room, the garage to tinker with stuff? Can he get a book and head to the restroom for half an hour? I think maybe if you let him know that when he is getting frustrated you understand he might need to get away, but actually leaving you is tapping into the abandonment fears which is the primary fear for a woman and it is not good for your feelings toward him at all. I mean who wants to think their spouse has to be away from them to be happy? Nobody. Everybody needs a break sometimes, but just up and leaving is not alright. I think you are handling this very well by the way, I would be beyond nuts at this point, so good job!! I hope he is back already or soon, and I truly hope you guys can work this out. Hang in there...

Ummm I would look at bank statment online and find out what hotel he is at. If he uses the card you will know.

My gut says cheater! Thats just my opinion. I dont want to create something out of what could be nothing but I would open your eyes to other clues. Check cell phone records and bank statements until you can rule that out.

Wow. Is he 5?
I'm sorry but he sounds very immature, like a poor father, a liar and a sneak.
Why do you want him to come back?
I think there is more going on here that you haven't revealed or that you are not seeing. Is it a mental illness, an affair, an anger management problem, or something else?
I don't know what I'd say, except if it was ME, I would draw a line in the sand. Marriage counseling immediately and if he ever "leaves" again--don't come home--ever.

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What I would say is "good-bye." How I would say it is by changing the locks.

I could never be married to someone who was so self-centered and careless regarding his children's and spouses feelings.

There is NOTHING about what your husband did that is okay.

You don't think maybe something else may be going on? "Selfish, immature, inconsiderate, abandonment" doesn't even come close to what he's doing.

I would be livid - not just simply almost upset. He cannot handle the kids being sick, loud or whatever - even when he's not the one taking care of them? What a loser. I just wonder what morals, ethics and behaviors your children will learn from watching him.

I hate to say it, but I agree with the other mom's who think something fishy is going on. This just isn't right. Either he is leaving because he is doing something he doesn't want you to know about, or is a severly selfish immature man. I am leaning toward the idea that he is up to something. I know that is a horrible thought, but you need to be realistic. If my husband diappeared overnight and didn't come home, the locks would be changed. That is not how a husband and father treats his family. You need to put a gps tracker on his car, or check his cell phone records or bank statements. Your husband is up to something no good. I wish you luck and I hope I am wrong.

Hm...it doesn't really seem like he's cheating to me...seems more like he's used to living like a single guy since he doesnt have the responsibilities of a husband and father half the year. Men are naturally more selfish when it comes to kids, it seems to me, and I think he doesn't quite know how to handle it when he's young and free one day and then literally a husband and father to 2 kids the next. That doesn't excuse his behavior though.. he needs to learn how to be more reliable than he's being. Counseling should be revisited I think...

Um... I would add "liar" to that list of descriptions. He said he was on his way home and clearly that wasn't the truth.

I hope nothing terrible happened to him, but my guess is that he had a tantrum and left. This is highly immature not to mention poor parenting.

When he gets home find a place for the kiddos to hang for a while b/c they don't need to hear this conversation and lay it out on the table. You want the answers to the following:
1. Why did he leave?
2. Where did he sleep?
3. Why did he lie to you?
4. What are "we" going to do to keep this from happening again?

I'm all for taking a "time out" when you are angry/frustrated/tired... especially if it keeps you or him from saying something damaging, but this behavior is completely unacceptable. He owes you and your children an apology and needs to grow up.

Makes me wonder if he has anger issues and instead of letting them surface, he removes himself from the situation. I'm not saying that the way he is handling it, is right, but maybe for him, it's his solution. Did he grow up with parents that faught? His overseas gig, does it involve the war? The two of you need to sit down and talk. Maybe a date night (without the kids) is what you guys need. Good luck! The holidays are stressfull and some handle it better than others.

I will have to agree with Jane. If my husband ever pulled a stunt like that he would come back to find himself locked out, with the locks changed.
How IMMATURE and DISRESPECTFUL is this? Do you really want your kids to grow up knowing their father will abandon them the minute they don't live up to his expectations?

I would tell him to stay put wherever he is and that you will consider taking him back after he agrees to AND starts counseling with you again. I am sorry but think that a grown man doing this to his children must have some mental issues...

Hi Lynn I read all the posts before posting, the only one that remotly made sense was Grandma T. what kind of wife changes the locks because her husband makes a mistake. PLEASE I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 30 years. Although it sounds like something is going on besides the kids, but it does not mean it's drugs, drinking or other women. If the kids were so sick that they could keep quiet, why were they well enough to go to school, and out to dinner? Grandma T is right children do NOT COME B EFOR A SPOUSE. It was the 2 of you before there were kids. An hour before I knew my husband be home I made sure the kidsand the house was clean and some what quiet when m y husband came home so he could relax before dinner, after dinner was family time. Maybe he lost his job, or something happened, but Lynn even if it turns out to be somthing bad YOU FORGIVE if not you and our children will just become aother set of statistics. 30 years is a long time we hard our rough mom ents like all couples but we still go on dates, we are 53 and 54. Jukie

Updated

Hi Lynn I read all the posts before posting, the only one that remotly made sense was Grandma T. what kind of wife changes the locks because her husband makes a mistake. PLEASE I have been married to my wonderful husband for almost 30 years. Although it sounds like something is going on besides the kids, but it does not mean it's drugs, drinking or other women. If the kids were so sick that they could keep quiet, why were they well enough to go to school, and out to dinner? Grandma T is right children do NOT COME B EFOR A SPOUSE. It was the 2 of you before there were kids. An hour before I knew my husband be home I made sure the kidsand the house was clean and some what quiet when m y husband came home so he could relax before dinner, after dinner was family time. Maybe he lost his job, or something happened, but Lynn even if it turns out to be somthing bad YOU FORGIVE if not you and our children will just become aother set of statistics. 30 years is a long time we hard our rough mom ents like all couples but we still go on dates, we are 53 and 54. Jukie

You can also add highly disrespectful to you and your children. Its just not very respectful to "leave" without an explanation. It doesn't mean you are trying to keep tabs on him but if he says he is going to the gas station which is 5 minutes from the home and he stays gone longer than that then you would assume something happened and start calling hospitals, cell phone, etc. OR it could just be he is up to NO GOOD. Regardless its disrespectful of a husband or wife to do this kind of behavior.

Hi Lynne, I went back and read some of your previous posts and you sound like a wonderful person. Your husband on the other hand sounds impossible. If he won't go to counseling, I would work on leaving him. I know it will be hard, but if you say he is the way he is, you will be better off. It sounds like he is gone most of the time anyway. You deserve better.

WOW! He has only been home one day??? really! My feeling is not a good one. I would be so up set by this as you are. I hate to say this but is he cheating on you? If he thinks he can keep doing this to you ......he will. I would change the locks. I also would want to see the motel receipt or check my bank statements to see where he was if he used a bank card that is in both of your names.
Sick children are to be taken care of , not left because he cannot handle it. I mean your children are young. Children make noise and complain, they hate medicine. I would hate to walk on eggshells because kids are not quiet. Somethings wrong with his behavior.

I wish you luck!

I wonder if there are other, deeper issues, like. . . is he non-physically abusive/controlling? We tend to not recognize that in our own relationships even though we can see it when it happens to someone else.
Of course, I am not suggesting he is - I have no idea - I am just bringing it up for consideration.

If my husband were to leave and not come home all night, he would be done. I would have the locks changed, calls the cops for abandonment, and be done with him. There is NO excuse for him to go out. Kids are a lot of work and if they are sick it is even more fun. There is no reason for him to not be the father/husband he signed up to be. Unless you forced him to marry you and father your children, he needs to man up or you need to kick him out.