Husband Has Other Children

I am a mother of 2 (age 9 and 10) from my first marriage and have remarried and now have 3 more, 2 boys from my husband's first marriage (ages 16 and 10) and he has a daughter from his second marriage (age 8). We have none together, cause we thought we had enough. When I met my husband he had custody of the boys and joint custody of his daughter. In addition to that, I have custody of my 2.
Everyday can seem like a battle, between disparaging comments about me from my ex and his first wife, and then let's not forget the hatred our 16 year old has for us, who has since gone to live with his mom, who has few rules and a much more "open" lifestyle for him.
I choose to see the good, I am fortunate enough to have the 4 youngest with us most times, and I get to stay home with them, and eat lunch with them and volunteer at their school. (The boy's mom didn't even know where her sons's schools were for a while).
I know when you hear enough, and you see the looks on the kid's faces, and you know what's being said, it's hard not to believe it too sometimes, but I know I am doing what's best for the kids, and the choices are hard sometimes, and the place of the "bad guy" since we have structure and rules in our home is not easy, but I never have to stoop to the other parent's level. All of our children will see things for what they are, be it now, or when they are older with their own children. They will know in their hearts and minds that this house is one of love and structure and hope, not one of tearing down other people to make things seem better for the moment.
Hold strong and love his children and yours all the same, even when it's hard, because you will sleep better each night knowing you are doing what's best. (and yes, I have to remind myself this daily, it's not easy).
My husband and I are even in therapy proactively, to prevent any communication breakdowns, and to faciliate communication with the kids when it's hard to find the right action or thing to say.
I know we are OK, and I hope you will find a place where you are too. Don't let their jealousy guide you, just love them all and be fair and even, they WILL appreciate it.

I agree with Dalene, Carolyn & Lois. All of their comments & advice are very good. I have 2 kids (ages 8 dd & 10 ds) from a previous marriage, and now have a 7-month-old. All of my kids live with me and my current husband. It hasn't been easy for my older kids to adjust to living with a step-father or having a new baby sister, but they are adjusting, and we live together as one family. They see their real father often, and we have fought often over the years over the kids, but ever since I re-married, I have been working very hard at putting a stop to that, and we are civil and helpful to one another most of the time now. It can get better, but you have to work really hard at it. It's worth it!

W.

Perhaps your blended family needs to see a family therapist to work through some of the issues. The important thing is to NEVER speak badly of their mom to them. That way you can show them that you DO respect her. However you must hold them accountable for their actions and attitudes in your home. It must start with Dad though. He needs to lay down the law that the type of disrespect that is occurring must stop today, not tomorrow or next week, but today. He also needs to work through this with the ex to get her to stop being disrespectful as well. I know, easier said than done. Try inviting her over for dessert for the holidays and before she gets there work with the kids to prepare a special night to honor her. Try spending time with her. Invite her to go shopping with you for the kids Christmas. Take her to lunch. It is hard to disrespect someone that spends time with you. Keep in mind your efforts may be wasted. But for the sake of the kids, you have to try.
Good luck,
C.

Your husband needs to lay down the rules for your household. The children need to made to understand that it is your house as much as their fathers. He needs to tell them that if they are disrespecting you, they are then being disrespectful to him. My husband has a daughter from a previous marriage. Thankfully as much as her mother hates him, she will talk to me, actually she will call me if there is a problem. Saves me a lot of grief with them fighting. But it was not always like that. She was extremely disrespectful to me. Especially after we had our first child. Eventually I got tired of it and called her out on it. I told her that this was my house, what she had with him was no more. In my house everyone will respect my rules. In hers I will respect her rules. If she could not be civil to me then she would not be allowed in my house. With her child I respect her rules, but she has also given in and made it to where the child will listen to me.

You really just have to talk to her. Tell her, you don't have to like me, and I don't have to like you, but for the sake of the children there needs to be a civil relationship. In that relationship there has to be respect.

And you should not sacrifice time with your husband and your baby, the other children need to see a united front, if they know that their father will not let them get away with it, then it will eventually stop. They also need to understand that you are a family, and they are also part of that family.

Good luck, I know how hard it can be at times.

I would suggest getting them involved in the care for your son. Feeding him, changing diapers, bathing, reading a book . . . bonding time. The baby requires lots of attention and there is not reason why it can't come from his siblings. Good luck.

I have to sympathize with you. My situation is almost exactly the same. My husband had six other children when we met. We have only been together 3 years but we have a little girl who is just about to turn one. He others girls are very jealous of her as she is the baby and has "taken her daddy away" At first i just let his children do as they pleased, but when my daughter was born I was not about to let them disrespect me in front of her. You dont want that bcuz then she will learn to do it. I had to pull both of his girls aside and tell them that this was not acceptable and i am sry that they dont like me but i still care for them and hope that we can come to some arangement to a least be civil to each other. I have to tell you the truth she didnt like what i said and that same nite she left to go home. This was a few months ago, since then she has had more respect for me and is beginning to at least speak to me in a civil manner so things are gettin better i think soo i guess my best advice would be to hang in there and make your voice be heard

It's very hard to blend a family together. About the mom talking about you to the children is inappropiate. You should sit down w/ his children and explain the situation, you are w/thier father now b/c it didn't work work w/their mother, ya'll now have a baby and that you are not replacing their mother. Then you should allowed some alone time that the children can play together and time for his other children to spend with him with you and the baby so they see that you are trying to help them. Go to the park for a few hours, go to a friends or something. Or if you feel like why should I have to leave ask your husband if he will go out w/ his children for special time. Also tell your husband know how you feel.
Hope this helps.
Leti

C.,

I KNOW it doesn't seem like it, but give it time. Children CAN and DO get brain controlled into believing others are 'the horrible step mother'...but like you said it's most likely their Mother. Keep on what you are doing, but they, (in my opinion) should not be kept seperate from your baby and their father. YOU and your angel are part of the family as a whole and as long as they get some time with him alone, eventually they will have to accept you ALL as a whole extension of the family. Be strong, you can do it. Remember, she's giving them vinegar, eventually they'll get tired of the taste and want some of the honey you are handing out.

God Bless.
D.

Hi C.,

It seems that you are the victim of a very manipulative woman. Well, There is one sure fired way to deal with that. You and your husband need to have a "come to Jesus meeting with her" somewhere inpublic (I advise lunch at a popular lunch spot) This way, she can't act out, because you have tooo many witnesses. Make your position known on her malicious expressions regarding you to the children, make sure your husband backs you up! Let her know that it will not be tolerated. Then have a meeting with the children. You and your husband must present a united front at all times. Let them know that their behavior will not be tolerated and there will be consequences for their actions.

I do hope this is helpful

Divorice is hard and so is accepting new parents. Luckily me and my ex and his finance get along rather well most of the time. Trust me though we always have little spats.

Being a child of a divorice couple (that still to this day 25+ years later they can't speak to each other or be civil),... I have some ideas I have tried with my kids. They seem to work really well.

Here is what I hated the most as a kid:

1) I really lost tons of respect for my parents when they bad mouthed each other and the process of repairing that respect is still in progress! Every word that came out of their mouths in anger toward the other made me more and more angry and disrespectful of both of them. Besides they didn't allow me to speak that way about other people!

2) Bad mouthing someone elses spouse because you hate the person is wrong. Deal with the underlying emotional reasons for the rejection, not an attack on someone that you don't even know. (Refer back to #1!)

I try to stick with facts. If the kids tell me something "not so nice" that my ex or his lady have said... I ask the children if they think that is true about me. They respond and we talk about it. This keeps things in my house and doesn't go the path of "well your father is a @#(@#*&# so what do you expect".

If necessary we discuss how different daddy and I are and that is one of the reasons that we separated in the first place. Different approaches to different ideas and priorities is not bad per say just a choice. If daddy and his lady think something is important at their house then the boys need to respect that and go along with it. The only exceptions I make here are if they are physically in danger etc, at which point they should do like what they should do in any emergency situation and call me or 911 etc.

When the kids came to me and whine about dealing with their new "mom" and how mean she is I try to give her some credit. She is great with the kids and we speak often. I know she has their best interest at heart, but everyone deals with things differently and she is living in the home that used to be mine so I know that must be doubly difficult for her.

My first question to them is if they were being disrespectful and that being disrespectful to any adult is not allowed. This quiets most protests (strange isn't it). Second question is if they were following the rules of the house. If these things are answered positively then we discuss the specifics and usually its just a normal family type spat. I give them examples of how the same sort issues occur at home with me.

If something else is going on that causes more concern I ask them to talk to her and let her know how that makes them feel and give her suggestions how they think it could be handled differently. I am sure to follow up with an email or call to their dad with the general topic incase it comes up at his house.

One person can only do so many things. Create an environment where the kids all do something with dad together as a group. Don't just have "those kids" and then "baby" separately, this makes things worse.

Be sure to set good examples by talking about feelings and not engauging in the "bad mouthing". Respond to jabs with positive responses like "I am sorry that she feels that way, perhaps if she got to know me better she wouldn't think that."