Hubbys First Love

I say invite her and her husband for lunch (if the husband is well enough, if not, just her.) This way it's a neutral atmosphere bringing the past and the present together to erase any "fantasy memories" either one may have (we all know the memory is fond of exaggeration.)

First I want to say that you relayed this story to us very well. Your rage and jealousy is a common reaction. Deep breath!

Secondly, I never did understand the whole closure thing. I’m not one to need closure. If someone left me….well then they are not worth my time, emotionally or mentally.

Third, I’m going to see this from another POV. This woman is obviously feeling very vulnerable because her current husband is gravely ill. That she wants to meet your DH sounds very suspicious to me. What kind of person is she that she wants to see her old lover while her husband is at home gravely ill? Weird.

She is seeking solace from someone who has given her love in the past when she should be looking to a girlfriend or family member. IMO your husband is making a huge mistake by going to see her. He may need closure, but she is seeking more. Closure can be sought over the phone if you ask me. Why does he have to see her face to face? Closure is done in the form of words not anything physical should occur like a hug for instance.

She may take his wanting to see her in a different way. What if she thinks to herself “Oh he wants see me because he still has feelings” and thus starts this whole fantasy. He could be opening a can of worms…

I’m not saying this WILL happen but I’ve known enough women like her before to know that she will try to get back into his life one way or another and she will succeed if your husband goes to see her. Then she said “I’ve always cared about you” which means she still does?? Hhmmmmm…..

I’m sorry but I would NEVER talk to an ex like that who I knew was married. How hurtful to the wife. It’s just not in me but I’m not mean spirited.

Now if your husband is insistent on seeing this selfish ex girlfriend face to face because that is the only way for him to get closure (whatever) then I would have him compromise. Tell him to meet her in the morning for coffee at a coffee house.

Well if it is really just to catch up for old times then why don't you and your husband invite her and her husband over for dinner or meet them at a restaurant. I see no need for them to meet privately. You are his wife and I think you should have a strong say in the manner that they meet.

I'd never let my husband have this meeting without me present. period. I'd even be tempted to follow him there without their knowledge. First, I would offer to have her come over, and see what he says. His reaction to that would tell me a lot about his intentions and true feelings about the situation. The fact that he admits to not having any closure about this relationship would worry me. After so many years, he should have "let her go" completely and not need closure.

That's great that you trust your husband but he has said he doesn't care what you think about it. It does not appear to me he is returning the love and respect. This "first love" has a gravely ill husband but has the time to seek out your husband? I would not support this meeting at all and I wouldn't trust her.

Hi S.
Firstly I understand your feelings,they are a healthy normal human reaction.
PLEASE do not be giving your power away to this woman.
Stay in the energy of your lovely honest marriage and not let her bring you to this dark place where you think your marriage could fail.
It's obvious that your husband respects you a great deal by being honest with you about his feelings on this.
Keep the lines of communication open at all times. Tell your husband that you are feeling insecure over this.
Do it with WORDS in a rational way and not with clingy unbalanced emotions.
Again don't let her bring you to level of anxiety.
Ideally as others suggested,you could go with your husband to meet her for dinner.
If not give your husband strict conditions on the meeting.
Best of luck
B.

I say let it ride sister!

Let him go. Trust him. Whatever will be, will be.

I completely understand your feelings, they are valid and I am sure I would be feeling exactly the same!

But in the end...I would want to let it ride and see how it goes and have some faith that my marriage can make it through this...

Best Wishes for you an yours!

From the way it sounds you have plenty of reason not to trust her intentions.

If they simply must meet, why can't you be there? Him and her alone sounds more like a date than closure. Why not invite her over? Even if you are not in the room the whole time they visit together, she will see you are a united couple. She needs to see that you are "us," she doesn't get "him."

I was raped over 10 years ago. I was dating an *amazing* guy at the time, one of those people that is either perfect for you or a sociopath ... and I screwed him over. Hard. And then I quite intentionally dropped off the face of the earth (moved to the other side of the globe with no forwarding address or phone into a combat zone).

I've regretted ever since I got my head screwed back on straight. Not because I want to be with / get back together with my ex... but because I treated him like S and I wish to god I had the courage to apologize to him. I was a complete mess... and the way I treated him... the way I hurt him is the lowest of the low. It is NOT how I like to think of myself as a human being. I would love to show him / myself that I'm not a monster.

At least once every few weeks I think of him. Because what I did to him is one of the very few things in my life that I regret. I would love, more than most things, to apologize to him. To hear about his life. I HOPE it's been happy. To hear about his kids and his wife and his parents. I want to know that he's okay. I want to know I didn't screw him up. I want forgiveness.... but even if I ever saw him again... I wouldn't ask. I *want* forgiveness... but I'm not going to ask for it.

I have absolutely no interest in him whatsoever romantically, sexually, glory days, or any of that nonsense. I owe him, plain and simple. And it's a huge debt of guilt that I wish I could pay somehow.

I know that in times of crisis I think about him a lot more often. Makes sense... adrenaline, fear, emotional blows, death... the all take me back. They make me look at my life and ask "Are my affairs in order?" He's definitely a loose string. If I die never apologizing to him I will be greatly saddened by it.

I occasionally look up his page on FaceBook. Found it last year. We're not friends. I haven't contacted him, and I changed my name years and years ago, so lord only knows if he's looked for me. No one who wants to find me from the period that we were dating can do so easily. I'm friends with lots of exes... but we never got the chance to be friends.

Anyhow... I don't know this woman (and she certainly isn't me... I haven't worked up my courage yet and it sounds like she's 20 years older than I)... but since I'm IN that boat currently, I thought I'd share a perspective from the other side of the fence.

You are right. Your sweet, loving husband is naive and playing with fire. Your marriage is at risk.

I should know, I used to be "that woman" and I speak from the heart.
During high school, I met a young man through my best friend. In college we dated briefly. I never expected to fall in love and we intended just to casually date. He was everything I ever wanted, but about 10 years too soon. He felt the same way.

When he proposed, it was too much for me to handle due to medical issues, trying to live on my own, trying to pay for college to escape an abusive home, and trying to overcome PTSD.

I broke it off with him and within months let him know it was a mistake. He never gave me a second chance though we have checked up on each other over the years. Before I had my child and met my current husband, I was tempted to get in touch with him but he was married. Once I knew that, I backed off. I wasn't going to pretend I was innocent. There were many points in my life that if he had gotten in touch, I am sure we would have crossed the line though we would not have started that way.

Wow...well, the problem with your husband saying that he would do it with or without your knowledge is very troubling, because if she lures him into her web of emotions--he could very well see her without your knowledge once he realizes that he can't continue being open with you about these things. I wouldn't be happy with that. Wow, I don't know what to do.

1. You could just trust him and see what happens (terrifying)
2. You could stick to your guns, and tell him that if he did such a thing, and you found out about it, that the damage to your relationship would be irreversible--and hope that he comes back to reality.
3. Keep trying to share your feelings, and hope that you will get through to him. He does not need to SEE her PHYSICALLY to get closure. They can talk about it on the phone. Explain to him that NOTHING good can come from him meeting her physically, and that if he were to do so, it COULD be the same as walking away from your marriage, and why would he risk that? It's a crossroads and he needs to understand that. Since she is being SO overly obvious about her intentions, there's only one goal she has in mind--and she knows that will never happen if she doesn't get him alone, and in person. She wants to win him back. Her husband is dying, and she's afraid of being alone. She knows she has a chance with the schmuck (your husband) who was so madly in love with her before.

As hard as this is to face: If your husband didn't still care about her somewhere, he would be able to tell her no, and he wouldn't feel so compelled to see her. You need to make him realize that, and realize that if he goes to see her, he's making a VERY significant choice.

But, then again, if he doesn't get it out of his system now, maybe he never will. I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. What a selfish person she is to do this to your family!! How long has it been? If she's always missed him so much, then why didn't she call him before marrying the guy she's married to now?? She's afraid of being alone, and she's going to go after your husband. Plain and simple. You need to be ready for that, and ready for how to handle it. You need to be strong here--and you might need to make some difficult decisions about how to deal with your husband about this. You might have to stop being so trusting and understanding because emotions are not rational---and he's already crossed that line.

He may need this closure- I know I have some relationships in my past that should the opportunity for closure re-appear, I have need to take. My hubby is aware of this- BUT I would have no need to meet or talk with them privately. My hubby would be completely welcome to accompany me, as he is now the center of my life. A little jealousy is good- it lets you and your hubby know that you care. Don't let it destroy you! Let your hubby know what you are feeling. You can't help feeling what you feel! Hope this helps a bit!

Whoa...whoa.......slow down. He hasn't seen her yet and you're talking about your marriage being destroyed? Please.
Your husband sounds like a great guy. He has been nothing but open and honest with you about this.
She, on the other hand sounds like a conniving loser that "needs" a man in her life at all times. She "needs" to see your husband while her husband is "gravely ill"? Sounds like a real winner to me.
Give your husband your blessing for O. meeting. Let him get the closure he needs. Hopefully he will see her now for the pathetic slime ball she is--stepping out on an ill spouse.
It doesn't sound like you have any need to be afraid, insecure or unsure of your husband.

I totally understand your feelings. I would wonder what her motivations are as well.
However, don't worry about things that haven't happened yet.
By that I mean that perhaps your husband won't feel so compelled to meet with her once he knows that he can and that you won't completely flip out about it. (If that makes any sense).
The other thing I wanted to say was that when I was in high school, I had the biggest crush on a guy. He was a senior and I was a freshman and I literally thought I was going to throw up everytime he got within a hundred yards of me. We actually became good friends, but regardless of other boyfriends, etc, I always had that "crushy" feeling for him. Not love by any means, but a harmless crush. I just thought he was the greatest, most gorgeous thing on the planet. I ran in to him a few years ago and I really almost wish I hadn't. Boy....did the wind go out of my sails. He was just an average middle aged guy with thinning hair who was getting round in the middle.
It happens.
If your husband does go through with meeting with this woman, chances are that a whole bunch of "love" feelings aren't going to come flooding back after 30 years. He may wonder what he ever saw in her in the first place and be able to get his closure and move on happily. It might not be the bad thing you are fearing it to be. So far, he has been honest with you and I think that's an awesome thing.
Like I said, just knowing that he can see her if he chooses to may be all that he really deep down needs and will not go through with it after all.
I would try to be as strong and as confident about it as possible.
Don't give him a reason to meet with her "whether you like it or not". Take that dynamic out of the equation.
You do have a right to talk with him and ask him honestly how he would feel if it was someone from your past who wanted to meet with you after 30 years. That's a question he mostly needs to answer for himself.

I wish you the very best.

Wow, my heart aches for you. Would you want to meet her too, just so you feel good about everything. I understand he had a life before you, this woman sounds very suspicious. I think it's great your husband has been honest to you, but I totally would feel insecure myself. Have you talked to him about your feelings, how does he feel you should be? What if some man from your past wanted to meet you, how would he feel, would he let you go by yourself, want to go with you? My gut says if he doesn't want to bring you along, then he shouldn't meet this person.
Prayers going out to you.

I have to commend your husband on being honest with you. I think that should help to put you at ease. He sounds like a good guy. Oops - missed the part about doing it with or without your knowledge!! I wouln't blame you if you emailed her and told her to back off in not such a nice way!!!

I would be honest with him and let him know how uncomfortable you are with all of this and how you would rather him not re-enter her life at all. But if he must, can you tag along? And if not, it's up to you. Do you allow him to go to one lunch for closure with the understanding that he will never see her again? Sounds ok, but I'm not in your shoes. I think I'd say that a phone call would be good enough and then let him alone to have that call. Should be enough. No reason to meet in person.

My question is why is he still emailing and interacting with her? Why is he not just saying that he's happy and stop responding? It's quite obvious what her intentions are. In my opinion, he's justifying keeping communication open because you're reading everything. That doesn't mean it's ok. He needs to stop communicating with her. End of the story.
However, it sounds like you trust your husband. She can't do anything to or with him that he doesn't let happen. So, as long as you trust him, there shouldn't be an issue.
I think I would ask him to cut off contact though.

The first thing that jumped out at me was that DH said he would see her "with or without your knowledge": well, you already know about it, so that's a moot point. Maybe with or without your approval is what he meant? Anyway, I don't think it's something you can forbid him to do, which is related to the second thing that jumped out at me: that you have a relationship based on trust and honesty. If you really trust your husband, then what does it matter what HER intentions are? Because your husband will honor you no matter what. I think if you tried to keep him from seeing her, you would be demonstrating to him that you don't trust him, and I could see that causing problems in your marriage later on. This could be a real relationship/trust building opportunity for the two of you, if you can let him go and see her and trust that he will honor you.

If he's being this open and honest... There is no reason to fear anything. There isn't anything this woman could do to make him change his mind about you.

Your reaction is normal. He could've kept it all from you instead. It sounds like a marriage that everyone would love to have. Don't worry about this situation. You trust him. He loves you. He'll be coming home to you... Probably telling you all about the meeting.

He is playing with fire and is going to get burned. If he is insistant on meeting her again, I hope he can go with you, if there is nothing to hide, then that shouldn't be a problem. Otherwise you are always going to be wondering and really after 30 years, that is enough "closure". There isn't any reason to be in contact. And some may not agree with this but I would use this time to be very affectionate with hubby to make sure it's always on his mind about how good he has it with you so there is no "reason" for him to wander. This is a tough one, I wish you the best!

Hi,
I could understand completely what is going on in your heart. Although these feelings of jealousy seem uncontrollable, they can be tamed.
So your husband has been completely honest with you about this, even though this woman hasn't been with her ill husband. Picture yourself in his shoes just wanting closure. The worst way for you to react is to act on the rage and jealousy. Instead remind your husband how much you love him and care about him. This way at least you will know that while this woman may be trying to make an impression on him, he will remember what he has at home. He has said to you that he will go through with this reunion regardless of what you may think. You have no control over what is going to happen, but you can definately end it there. Once they have had this reunion calmly let your husband know that you love him and do not wish for him to keep seeing a woman from his past. Don't make him choose but as long as you are calm and kind he will get the point. I wish you luck in getting through this together.

I think your husband is a bit intrigued with her and her "story" and is taking her bait. Her intentions may be benign but she is crossing boundaries and your husband needs to have clearer ones. What closure? Her being gone for 30 yrs should be his closure. Tell him that you trust him but are still uncomfortable with him meeting with her. He should take you with him. They don't need to meet in a bar, have drinks and start reminiscing about the old times. You know what that's gonna lead to. All the what if's that they are gonna be implying, etc. I wouldn't be a doormat about it.

Part of me wants to say trust him and let him go for ONE meeting. But the other part of me says something sounds extremely fishy. Especially the part about 'with or without your knowledge'.

I say invite her and her husband over or go with your husband when they meet. If he doesn't want you there then you'll definitely know what his intentions are.

Good luck, Hopefully it's nothing but wanting closure.

The woman's husband is gravely ill, she is making arrangements for when she is single again.

I would be worried and also questioning her intentions. Also, your husband saying he would meet her with or without your knowledge has me reeling. If mine said that, I'd be pissed beyond belief. He has had 30 years to get closure.

If he wants to meet her, then he can do it in a public place with her husband and you present.

My dad died from cancer and the last thing on my mom's mind while he was gravely ill was looking for and hooking up with past loves.

In any case, facebook has broken up many marriages b/c of old flames reappearing according to a panel of marriage counselors recently.

I agree with D.P. you both shoulld meet with this woman if her intentions are good she can talk about it in fron of you.If she has something to hide it would probably be obvious.If you do meet go with an open mind they might talk about things you dont want to hear about their past relationship but you are married to him and trust him,going with does not mean you dont trust him

I understand your reservation about the woman, BUT your husband's intentions are not clear considering he's been pining for "closure" for 30 years. It takes two to tangle and if you are feeling these insecure emotions perhaps your marriage is not intact as you would like to think it is. I'm just trying to give you perspective, not bash you. But, for him to say with or without your knowledge, it seems his mind has been made up and sounds more like a deeper yearning to connect with this woman. They can hash it out via email. Say what needs to be said, even via telephone. Otherwise, I would like to know when where, and time. Him speaking highly and fondly of you should not put your heart at ease. What are his true intentions? Don't worry about the woman. It's your husband you need to think about in the long run.

Wow, what a tough position to be in. I absolutely think your husband contacting this woman is a very bad idea and I think he is using the idea of being "honest" as a license to do something unwise. Now my hubby ran into some old girlfriends on facebook as well and one in particular that was a "serious" girlfriend. He mentioned that she wanted to get together so he told me and asked how I would feel about all of us getting together. I said it would be a little weird but ok. It never happened but had it gone down, I would have been in the mix. I think the fact that she is going on and on about all these old feelings is not good at all. I contacted an old boyfriend on Facebook and he seemed ok with it, but after one interaction, we didn't speak anymore. It is not a problem with me and my husband but I think he was actually a little uncomfortable so I just didn't contact him anymore. I was just happy to see him married and happy and expecting a baby, but I think he or maybe his wife was not comfortable, I was the first love in that scenario, so I just totally backed off. If you are not comfortable he should not be telling you he will go and see her with or without you. There is no without you. I don't think that is ok at all. So I would say, tell him the truth about how you feel, that you don't like a lot of things this woman is doing. If he continues to talk with her and if he does see her I hope things go ok between you two. Hang in there, I think your feelings are totally justified and I think he needs to know in no uncertain terms how bad this is making you feel. Good luck!!!

You might benefit from a few sessions with a good therapist.
From what you say about your husband, I think you can trust his intentions and his behavior completely. I think he is sufficiently invested in his relationship with you that he isn't going to be tempted to do anything stupid.
Your concern and anxiety, imo, have more to do with your own insecurities than with anything he might do . . . . if you can step back (w/help, if necessary) and think about what you and he share together, I think you'll realize there is nothing for you to worry about.

Some people need closure in some way.I would feel upset too that if he were to have another woman before me come along & want to see him.The what if's will remain they are questions that haunt us no matter what I have them with everything, I think too much.
How about offer a lunch or dinner & have him invite her over that way your there you can have interaction on both parts & after that she goes on her way.

I see no harm in them having lunch, ONCE. If the woman ever wants to see him again she can meet you and your gazillion kids and grandkids :)

*edited*, i think riley j is quite accurately describing what might be the viewpoint on that other woman, better than i could.

If he wants closure with her and wants to meet her in person He should take you with him and you both can do it together. I find it very suscpious indeed. Otherwise if that is not an option then he should give her closure via email or snail mail. He should show you what he wrote and be done with it. Once that is done he should terminate communication. Her rants about regrets and the past can not lead to anything healthy and productive.

Updated

If he wants closure with her and wants to meet her in person He should take you with him and you both can do it together. I find it very suscpious indeed. Otherwise if that is not an option then he should give her closure via email or snail mail. He should show you what he wrote and be done with it. Once that is done he should terminate communication. Her rants about regrets and the past can not lead to anything healthy and productive.

Thats the past they have both moved on. They obviously havn't lost sleep over it considering it has been so long. I wouldn't trust her as if now that her husband is sick she wants to work on an old relationship. I wouldn't want him to met her, if he did I think you should go as well. He has been very honest so it isn't like you couldn't hear there conversation. Thats a toughy. I would be very much against them even talking if this were my husband though.....Good luck!

Put the ball in your hsband's court and back off.....keep open the communication with him, and do not get into it. I would guess that nothing will come of it, so do not anticipate trouble. You might offer to accompany him to meet her. I would. Remember, it would not be all her fault if something did come of it so you would have to hold your hubby accountable then too.
Stop worrying about somethng that has not happened yet.

You know just this week an old boyfriend of mine contacted me through my sister's facebook. I don't have one for just this reason. Anyway, he now has my email. He wrote, I wrote back and cc'd my hubby and told the guy I was married, about the kids and my hubbies job. He saw my hubby's email. I will not talk to him anymore, there is no real reason to after 30 some odd years. I respect my hubby enough to not even have the desire to meet him for anything, even if he should come to VA.
And again I thank God that I haven;t gotten a fb account.

just a { Hug} That's all I've got for you. I think you should trust him, but i'm not sure i could be that grown up. so sorry you are dealing with this.

Why don't you go with your husband to meet her? I know it may seem like it would be uncomfortable but it can't be more uncomfortable than you are know. That way you can meet her for yourself without sneeking around your husband. You two have made it this long together and I'm sure he loves you and would understand that it makes you uncomfortable for him to go seeing this woman again alone. I know you'll feel better if you both see her together and make it a one time thing. The only thing I'm confused about is the need of closure after 30 years.

Hmmm...

I have reconnected with some exes, including my "First" via the internet. They were people I cared about & I wanted to know how things turned out for them & vice versa. We talk from time to time. There is no romance.

One guy got a little flirty - and I *KNOW* beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's just his nature and that he is NOT interested in me - but I told him he could not to do that if we were to be friends.

I also have some REAL LIFE friends that are exes. Mostly my husband doesn't know who among my friends I dated. I was in my mid-30s when I met my husband. I had all ready learned "complete honesty" didn't mean
"I am going to tell you about parts of my past that are no longer relevant, but will make you really uncomfortable."

He has only hinted about one of my close guys friends, to which I responded, "You know, if you've been friends with someone for 20 years and you dated for 4 months out of those 20 years - and figured out it was a really REALLY bad idea - those 4 months aren't really the important piece." My husband, who is not emotionally mature AT ALL, laughed and was cool with that.

I started dating at 16. I was nearly 40 when I married. I have a past. Some of the past = ex-boyfriends who could maybe be REAL friends.

Some exes I want nothing to do with. Some I like having as friends. Some are okay as aquaintances and I am glad we reconnected - because in at least one case (the "First") I have learned that I am happy I didn't end up with him. The folks who want to spark an old flame are UNWELCOME and are turned away FAST.

I don't know what the woman's motivations are in your scenario. Not everyone has neutral intentions. But it sounds like your husband does. Trust me - if he has no interest, she can't MAKE him interested.

My marriage isn't all that great and I am still deeply offended by anyone who gets in touch for potentially sexual reasons.

You said you trust him, so do, but that does not mean you have to trust her. When my husband wanted to have lunch with an old flame, I went along. There should be nothing they need to discuss that can not include you. Now, on that same note I recently reconnected with my first love, and asked my husband if he would mine my meeting him for drinks while I was visiting my old home town for a wedding. My husband fully supported me and trusted me to reconnect with my old friend. So, really, you have to search yourself and decide what option feels right.

I don't think it's necessary to meet in person it seems as if she has wrote to him making closure, either in person or writing closure is closure. Honestly I don't like face book I feel as if I want someone in my life they are in it if not it's for a reason, I should go on living my life. Great he's honest and he should be but look many wives later and children, etc I don't see the need for them to keep talking about how things were, things aren't that way anymore each of them has moved on with their lives and should just keep it that way. I see no need for them to keep the door of communication open other then christmas cards, period and that's just to be kind and show no hard feelings.

He need not feel as if he needs to help get her through this hard time. There's many women out there acting as always a damsile in destress and they have the need for a man usually someone else's to rescue them. Sorry but my feelings are "hey, we caught up sorry's are said be over it and move on". I see no need for her to enter into his life again, ditto for her.

She needs to be more interested in getting comfort, support and advise from her minister, attorney, hospice nurse and children then your husband. He needs to concentrate on his family and community. It just seems like she is seek from him alone what she needs from others and he doesn't need to fill that void nor get her through her tough time, she will manage with the support of the above people. Sorry I'm not on board for men being so called friends with and ex and besides they weren't married nor the kids being his as I see from what you write. So they should leave it as ships passing in the night, the end.

If he is going to meet with her with or without your approval, then I would have her come over to the house for dinner with both you and your husband, or you both meet somewhere for dinner. If her intentions are honest, as are his, then there should be no problem with this.

I would say that you draw your enemies closer than your friends... so therefore invite her over for a lunch or dinner with you AND your husband. Make it clear to her that you and him are VERY happy and do not need any further problems. However it is up to your husband to set up clear boundaries. If she sees she can't get past his boundaries, she will give up.

Well, it can't be a very open and honest relationship with your husband if he is willing to meet her with or without your knowledge. He should have informed her that he is happily married, wished her well and taken her off his facebook account.
If he insists on meeting up with her- I think you should insist on coming with him and meet her too. It doesn't' matter if her husband is gravely ill- she should have told him and she would have told him if her intentions were honest. I don't believe they are. Your husband won't/doesn't see this because he is too close to the situation. If he is unwilling to have you be there when he meets this "lady" he should at least be taking one of his grown daughters and maybe she will be able to talk some sense into him.
I am sorry this lady has been going through a difficult time, but she needs to find someone else who is not already married, to go through this with her. Good luck!
~C.