How to Teach Respect Towards Belongings?

You hit the nail on the head. Take away all of their stuff except the needed items such as food clothing and shelter. They need to know the you and hubby work hard to provide all the extras for them and if thy don't repect and treat what they have nicely they can't have it.

First of all the are LITTLE CHILDREN. They have no concept of money or the value of objects. If you hand them a $1 bill or a $100 bill it's all the same to them, pretty paper with pictures, numbers and letters.
Instead of taking things away from them show them how to use them properly and with supervision. They can only color at the table while you are preparing dinner for example. They must wash hands and face after meals and snacks. No more messy hands. Put a vinyl tablecloth over your carseat, under their carseats to catch any crumbs and spills, easy wipe up.
Show them with example how to take care of things. When you spill something, clean it up right away. Tell them as you are doing it, we have to keep our house or our things clean and looking nice.

Your children are too young to understand that things have monetary value and what that means. Yes, you keep telling and explaining it to them and eventually they will get it - but for now it is too early.

Most often it is MY fault when things get ruined by my DD. It happens when I am sidetracked or not on top of things and either don't stay on top of having my DD put her things away - or because I allowed her to play with something that she could not yet responsibly use and I did not supervise her close enough.

Even at 5 kids will still use colors, markers and other art supplies inappropriately if you do not sit them down at the table and give instructions on what is ok and what not. Kids need repetition to learn, telling them once and then letting them have at it will not work.

It is OUR responsibility as parents to keep things that could ruin furniture or other valuable items out of our kids hands, or supervise them when they play with it. That may include markers and paint, play dough, cosmetics and making them eat and drink in an appropriate place. You lock away your cleaning supplies - the same needs to be done with anything that makes a mess. It will be a couple of years before your oldest should have unrestricted access to things like art supplies for example.

Some things will still break - because that's what happens and many things are cheaply made, but it should cut down on the damage to furniture and expensive items. I am not sure how they can ruin the family car or furniture if they are supervised and you do not let them have access to things that they could wreak havoc with.
If you up your supervision of them you can immediately redirect them when they use something in a way that it is not intended or you can take it away as a consequence if they don't listen and if you restrict their access to certain items (no need to make this a huge deal) you won't have to worry about it when you turn your back.
You will be less frustrated and enjoy your children more once you realize your role in this and take control of the situation.

Hi L. C.

First, I'm going to move away from the word "respect"-- as other posters have said, they have no concept of what the word really means (at least, not in the identical context we adults have).

You've already gotten some good advice, and I'll give you a list of what works for me (with my old toddler/preschoolers and my son at home)-- some things might be repeats of previous posters, but it bears repeating:

1. Make sure, first and foremost, that adult items are stored only where adults can access them. Keys, cell phones, wallets, purses, computers-- all out of reach unless the child(ren) is reliable on leaving them alone. This is our responsibility as smart adults.

2. Have consistent rules. This means that coloring ONLY happens at appropriate places; at the table or at a little art table within supervision. This means that children sit and eat/drink ONLY at the kitchen table. My son is allowed to have water in the bathroom, but if he takes it into his room (and he has) the privilege is lost until he earns it back by showing responsibility in other areas. In the car, only dry foods (crackers, almonds, not-overly-gooey PBJs, string cheese...no open-container yogurt, etc. and nothing sticky.) and only water. If you have young children, the car is not a place for messy food. And stickers--- ugh, stickers should have ONE place they can go. In our home, stickers may not be stuck on anything other than paper or a little set of plastic drawers he stores his coloring books and some other toys in. In other words, 'disposable' furniture.

3. When they make a mess, they must help clean it up immediately. (Example; when my son spills, he has to stop and clean it up with a rag. I do the follow-up.) If they mark on a wall, they help clean it up, etc.

4.Anything that's already a "known no-no" means that there's a consequence; this could be NOT using that item for a few days or a loss of privilege. (When my son was sneaking water into his room and hiding it, we decided that he would lose his half-hour of 'staying up after bedtime stories' privilege for a week. Our explanation to him was that he wasn't behaving like a big kid and following the rules, so he had to go to bed at the earlier time for a week because staying up was a 'big kid' treat. We have had NO more problems with this since then.)

4. Supervise any and all art supplies. Crayons, scissors, bendaroos, playdough, silly putty, markers, pens-- anything like that needs to be on an "asking" basis, and stored where they cannot access them independently. Items not being used correctly are removed from use.

5. Decide what the consequences are ahead of time, so you aren't in PO'ed reaction mode. If my son trashes a toy by writing on it-- wow, that's too bad it looks so yucky now. Hmmm. Any broken toys--either he helps repair it, or we throw it away.

6. Decide what's important to you. For example, some families let the kids jump on the sofa and beds. We do not. Jumping on the sofa means you may not use it for the rest of the day. Jumping on my bed means you may not go in my room. Hanging on the cupboards means that you don't get to be in the kitchen for a while, until you've done a chore or two.

Lastly, I make sure that my son doesn't go off to play after art or eating until he's washed his hands.

All of this means that I have to be fairly on top of the kids in regard to discipline and paying a lot of attention to them. Maybe having a gate between your kitchen and the rest of the house would help, and then all art supplies and food/drink stay in that space. Sometimes, blocking off that traffic when they are running out of that room in particular gives us a moment to catch them and stop any further mischief. With three kids, I would definitely have some strong rules for use and some sort of routine habits for cleaning up and taking care of things.

Don't forget-- at three and five, your bigger children can help you take care of the house. If they are invested in taking care of things, it's easier to get them interested in keeping things nice.

Hmm, they sound pretty destructive, and they are still so little!
Can you be more specific? I know accidents and spills will happen on carpets and in cars, and that some bumps and scratches will happen to cabinets and furniture, but are your things really getting ruined by two little kids? (I assume the baby hasn't joined in lol!)
I think most of it is just clutter control and constant modeling.
When my kids were little we had buckets, bins and boxes for everything.
I took a lot of cues from their preschool.
If figured if two or three teachers could manage the mess and mayhem of a class of 14 to 20 two to four year old's all day I could handle a home of 3!
My kids had plenty of free play, but they always had to clean up one mess before making another, for example, "you can do play doh now but first we need to make sure all the blocks are picked up and put away" or "yes, you can play Candyland but first you need to finish putting your puzzles together and put them back on the shelf."
Same thing with craft and art supplies. These things were done at the table, and I always taught them the basic rules to take care of their supplies: put all the caps back on the markers/play doh so they don't dry out, rinse out your paint brushes so they stay nice and clean, put your crayons back in the box, etc.
Really, at this age you are TEACHING them how to behave and how to be responsible for themselves, so think like a teacher. Start focusing on THAT first and foremost.
And keep the toys, games, art supplies, whatever they play with to a minimum. The less clutter the easier it is to manage, especially with young children.

You teach them to respect by showing them respect. Teach them how to use/play with things. Have rules for how things are to be used. At these ages they need supervision. Have you taught the 5 yo to draw only on paper, to not throw toys, to be gentle with items, etc? By 5 he should be closer to being respectful. Then you just have to keep reminding him. The 3 yo still needs to be directly supervised and taught how to treat items.

Teach by example and firm but gentle words. Sound like you're very frustrated and may be yelling and punishing them. This will only make them angry which will result in the mistreatment of toys and other things.

Do not take away all their toys, writing utensils etc. When you do that they will only have your things to mistreat. Perhaps they are breaking or damaging your things, such as the car, because they do not have enough appropriate activities and things with which to play.

The key to teaching respect is to supervise and teach by example and directly with directions in a firm, kind, even funny way without anger. You can discipline by removing a toy that the child has thrown. To be effective, however, you must remove the toy firmly without anger. When they hit the cabinet, calmly stop them, redirect them to an acceptable activity and do this over and over. They will eventually learn.\

Remember that they start life not knowing how to behave. They have feelings that they don't recognize and don't know how to manage. It's up to us to teach them about things and how to treat them and about their emotions and how to safely express them.

Be sure to have age appropriate expectations. You cannot expect a 7 month old to be respectful about anything for example. And a 3 yo may need more attention while playing than a 5 yo.

Here is a recent question by another mom. Those answers might be helpful to you also. http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/15064981700180377601

I know it's frustrating to deal with another mess. I know it's disheartening to see things ruined.

But to go to the point where you would even kid about giving all toys away and writing utensils makes me grimace. I figure you wouldn't do it but I do have to wonder what exactly are you valuing? How about a little respect for the wonder that is your kids?

I am in line to say you have to model respect. Love people, use things not love things, use people. Raising kids is a full time teaching opportunity. Limit their use of things you don't want broken, don't give a delicate toy to a little one and scream about it being broken. Don't walk off from a little kid with art products. Cover what you can and calmly, repeatedly explain what is not allowed. Be prepared for messes. Play with messy stuff in the bath tub.

At this point it's not about force! It's about teaching and setting things up for success. Respect begets respect.

We first off taught our kids that when mom and dad go off to work, we have to work to earn our money, to buy the nice things that we have. My husband did not allow any eating or drinking of anything but water in the cars. We did not allow any eating or drinking in any part of our house but the kitchen. In the winter time, shoes off at the door since they probably had salt and snow on them. And then we made our kids help out with the chores, and tell them this is how we take care of our nice things. If they did anything to our belongings, they had to fix it with dad, or wash it, or whatever needed done. It is a constant communication with the kids that you have to take care of the things you have to keep them nice. Remind them that if they break something, they have to work to earn the money to replace it. Or when they want something from the store, tell them that they could have had it, but you have to spend that extra money buying something that was broken by them. It just has to be constant.

Don't know if I can help but we had 8 children and lived in rented places off and on and never had things broken, destroyed, stained, etc. I think it comes from starting out with guidelines you expect and then enforcing it every time you see it being ignored. We didn't allow standing on sofas, jumping on beds, etc. and that helps with taking care of things. I know many will think that is heartless and kids should be kids and what more fun than jumping on beds, etc. Well, it doesn't help them take care of things in my opinion. We had one daughter who to this day thinks I was mean to not let her express her artistic ability on the wall with marker at age 3, but she had to clean it all off and then she learned to do it on paper. I didn't take it all away but it had to be given only at the desk or table with paper. You just have to keep an eye on them. It's better to say it in a positive way like "isn't this a nice care we have? Let's take very good care of it so we have something to ride in" or something along that line. It works better than just saying something in a negative way. They learn to take pride in taking care of it then. How you destroy a car I don't know but we had a rule no food in the car ( well occasionally we did get something but they ate it nicely not just always eating in the car), feet not on the back of the seats and if they were I'd just say, please don't put you feet on the seat and they stopped. One year my sister got our first two a nice race track which they broke, she didn't ever buy them a toy again but got them nice clothes. Maybe your kids have too many toys too. Sometimes kids today get so much all the time that they don't value any of it. I know most won't agree but how do you enforce it by telling them and if they don't do it then time out of even a swat on the bottom. They have to learn to value things and people. You don't want them to be the kids people say they don't want to come to visit them. Most are that way these days. You can play and have fun and still take care of things. Maybe this isn't much help but I applaud you for wanting to change this behavior. With kids this age you have to do a lot of the work too like putting them at the table to eat, wipe hands after, help when they pick up toys and make it a game, have a place to put things so they know where it all goes, etc.

I tell my kids, and have always told them... "This is OUR home. YOU are a PART of the family.... EVERYTHING in our home, needs to be taken care of. It is ALL of ours. We ALL are responsible for it...." and that family, has each others back. We all, are a part of that.

My kids are 6 and 10, and even when they were younger, they did not break things on purpose or just because.

When my SD was younger, she didn't have any respect for items. She broke her toys, wrote on things, etc.

Part of the problem was she was quite spoiled, and didn't understand that toys cost money. Most little kids don't, but being spoiled facilitated that behavior.

What helped was going through her toys and getting rid of things that were broken or didn't play with. She took better care of things when she wasn't overwhelmed with toys.

She needed structure to put her toys away when she was done playing. This prevented them from being broken from neglect.

We didn't allow her to jump on beds, and we kept drawing items and stickers out of reach. Her behavior was monitored so that she didn't ruin things.

Respect for her belongings didn't show up until she was about 7 or 8 years old and better understood money, but respect for our belongings increased with more supervision.

Make them go without. My SD would let her CDs break and break her CD players til I got her one and 'splained that I was not replacing it. It lasted several years (might even still be around here somewhere) and the iHome I got her was used til it died recently.

We had the most trouble between the ages of 7 and 11. When my DD ruins something that belongs to someone else, she needs to fix it if she can. If she can't fix it, then she needs to replace it if we can. And she needs to apologize. It may also help to have them give something precious of theirs to someone else as an apology.

Every kid has a trigger. So if you want them to do x, use y. My SD hated to clean her room...but amazingly if you told her she could not go out or have a friend over, she'd clean it quickly. And when you do buy toys, buy what they really do care about and not just what might be nice to have. A few treasures can be better than a toy store.

Based on the way the question is asked, I'm guessing here that you might not be coming down very h*** o* them when they tear up the car, the carpet, the cabinets, the beds, etc.

Is that right?

Because that isn't about "let's learn to respect things, OK, kids?" It's about immediate discipline that they feel. I do NOT mean touching them. I mean taking away something they love, or denying them that birthday party they really wanted to attend, or other things. I was thinking the post would be about broken toys but your kids are destroying major family property here. They need to know there will be severe consequences each and every time.

Do you make them do all the cleanup, until they are tired and realize it is zero fun? Do you make them give up things they REALLY value as immediate discipline? If not, you need to. They frankly sound like they trash your home. I would really have to say that damaging carpets, the car, etc. go beyond just breaking toys or messing up a wall with a marker. THey need to lose things that matter to them and you need to figure out what those things really are; you also should have them cleaning until they are sick of it, then have them clean some more.