How to Respond to a Friend Who Thinks My Toddler May Be Autistic

That's really a hard one to answer. Personally, I would have mixed feelings, but I would definitely ask my pediatrician's opinion. I would also ask your friend what drew her to this conclusion. If she works with special needs children, she may have noticed something that you haven't. I would want to know what it is that your friend observed. Is she someone who sincerely offers her concern or is she a spiteful person? If it's against her character to intentionally hurt someone's feelings then I would want to know what she sees that you and others who aren't familiar with special needs children don't.

That sucks that your friend wasn't more sensitive to you and to what she was suggesting. That being said, I too have worked with people who are developmentally disabled and there are things you pick up on working with people that aren't on a chart. I don't think I know you or your child, but if she's suggesting it, it might be worth checking with your ped. Exceptional intellect can be an indicator of autism in itself.

I'm not saying that your friend was right to bring it up or the manner in which she did. You might just tell her that you appreciate her input and that you and the pediatrician will handle it from here. Or something like that. Tact isn't my strong suit either. :)

I have actually been on the other side of this problem. I was worried about a close and dear friend's son for about a year before I approached her about it. They have autism in their family (dad's brother has it) and I was used to early signs due to a step-niece of mine with autism.

I was scared to death that she would be hurt and upset with me, or worse, stop being friends with me. We were pregnant together so it was even harder (for both of us) to see my daughter hit milestones consistently early while her son wasn't saying a word. It wasn't until my daughter's 2-year old appointment that I talked to our doctor to see what she thought and got advice on what their doctor should be doing. They live out of state and are on public health, so I was so worried they weren't getting the care they should. I finally had the conversation (as hard as it was) and made sure she knew that my worries all came from love. They had just had their 2 year appointment and their doctor also thought they needed testing. Two years later and their son still has major testing every few months and he's been diagnosed on the autism spectrum (along with other neurological problems). He's a great little guy, but because I was too scared to hurt my friend's feelings, nothing was started until age 2 (and it's key to get a diagnosis early). He's getting help, but he could definitely be further along than he is.

I really don't believe that your friend said this to be mean or hurt your feelings. The fact that she has been worried "for awhile now" tells me that she didn't want to jump to conclusions or hurt you and had probably been scared to say anything that would upset you. I'm not sure how the conversation went and maybe she could have approached the situation better, but honestly; I bet she has all the best intentions.

My first advice is to let go of the hurt and anger and have a calm conversation with your friend about why exactly she feels that way. Maybe she sees something you don't. She could be completely off base, but I really do believe she means well and I think hearing her out will help in the long run. I know for my friend, now that she has a two year old son too, she realizes just how much her older son wasn't doing. She had no comparison at the time. Take notes and try to keep in mind that she cares for you and your little girl.

Second, you're lucky... in 2 months your daughter will have her 2-year appointment, and you can take the time to really talk to her doctor about everything and see what they have to say. Maybe they'll want to start with the basic questionnaire, or maybe they'll see that nothing appears to be wrong. As a mom, you want the best for your child, and if she did need further testing, wouldn't you want to get the best care possible? The earlier kids with autism have help, the better.

Third, from the little bit you have written about your daughter, I don't see any tell-tell signs. Hopefully all is fine. :-) But you might come away with this with some great advice from either your friend and/or the doctor on how to help with your strong-willed kiddo. My daughter is beyond independent and came out that way. She's very strong-willed and her mood flips on a switch. She's amazingly smart and funny, but her mood swings and outbursts can be exhausting. I've gotten great advice from friends and her doctor along the way. And I've gotten advice that really hurt my feelings at the time. You are her mom, and you and your husband have decided on how you want to raise her. Take the advice that helps and you think will make a difference and don't use the advice you think doesn't fit your way of parenting. It's still your call. Personally, I have always brought up ANY concerns with my daughter's doctor and would rather know there was a problem than assume there isn't.

No one wants to hear there might be something wrong with their child. But it's better to be safe than sorry. I hope you feel better about the situation soon. I honestly don't think there's much to worry about and I hope you can bring yourself to talk to your friend. Good luck. :-)

Hi There,
I'm sure this was very upsetting. Having never seen your daughter, I have no way to comment on whether she has signs/symptoms of autism, but I would like to comment on your friend.

I do have a 15 year old who is autistic. He was diagnosed at age 3. Back then, there wasn't a lot out there about autism. Take a step back for just a sec if you can (I know it will be hard) and look at it from a different perspective. I think it's wonderful that more people know about autism. Many many kids will be able to be helped early on with the recognition that is out there. I probably would have been offended if someone suggested to me that something seemed different about my son, but it might have gotten him help a little earlier too. I am NOT saying your daughter is different, but your friend, as long as she was nice about it, had enough courage and love to say something to you. Maybe you could ask her to elaborate on why she thinks this. Have her give you some specifics. You could thank her for her caring and tell her if you see more of this then you will bring it up to your pediatrician.

After my sons diagnosis, I suggested to 2 of my very good friends that they might want to have their kids evaluated for speech issues. One seemed offended, the other seems a little baffled. Both ended up in speech therapy. I don't regret saying anything to either of them and am glad in the end that it helped.

Just remember that the media has really put autism in the forefront and I'm sure your friend was just trying to be a good friend. Good Luck!

K.,

You're actually lucky to have a friend that would care enough to tell you (even if the way it was told, wasn't the ideal).
It's so incredibly hard to hear that something might be wrong with our kids (I am no exception to that rule), but if someone who actually works with these kids has an incling that there is something to share, I would first ask why she felt that way and then probably schedule an appointment with my pediatrician.
It must have been hard for your friend to tell you since you said she had been thinking it for awhile.

Hugs ;)

i totally understand your frustration, i had people make similar comments about my son's tantrums. i also understand where your friend is coming from too. my sister in law and i both had our sons in december 2004, we always had play dates and spent alot of time together. eventually my son began crawling and walking and talking but his cousin didn't. at 20 months i became very concerned for my nephew as he didn't reach any of the developmental milestones at all and his speech seemed as if he could only speak through his nasal passages. he didnt look any different but the signs were clear to most people excluding my husband, his parents and my nephews parents. i was too worried about hurting anyone's feelings so i just kept my mouth shut.

when his 3rd b-day came around and he had just learned to walk his mother finally realized something wasn't right. he was diagnosed with asburgers and put in therapy.

if your daughter is autistic the doctor will notice the signs. The diagnosis does not mean the children are any less intelligent than their peers,in fact the I.Q of a child with asburgers is much higher than that of children without it. Albert Einstein was high functioning autistic along with many others. My nephew has now left my son in the dust! lol he was enrolled in pre-school at the age of 3,he began walking and talking almost emmediatly after enrollment. at the age of 4 he was reading and writting and is currently mastering the art of MULTIPLICATION!

that doesnt meen being told your friend suspects a disorder is any less offensive but, i just wanted to let you know that it isnt as bad as society makes it sound and there are many different forms of autism with many different symptoms and abilities. My nephew is amazingly smart he just learns differently than his cousin. it will be hard but i do think you should talk to your pediatrician, tell doc. what your freind said and what she does for work and tell him your opinion and the results of the assesments you've given. remember that she may be the next einstien, she just needs to be taught by a teacher qualified to teach her in a way that makes sense to her. in the event she is autistic the sooner she starts school the better chance she will have in adapting to life outside the home and be able to form freindships with other children(asbergers can make socializing difficult for some children) good luck and god bless. If you do take her to the doctor i'de be interested to know what the doctor says. you and your family will be in my prayers.

I would talk with my friend and let her know that I was hurt, etc. Wait until you can do this calmly. Word your sentences using "I" statements so that you are letting her know how you feel and not accusing her of anything. "I am hurt by the way you said that my daughter may be autistic." sort of statement. Once the two of you have handled your hurt feelings ask her what she sees that has caused her this concern. Keep in mind that you are communicating with her and not venting.

From the description of your daughter I would think that she's normal in her development. I am glad that you've done this much research. I also want to tell you a little about my experience with my grandson so that you can use this free resource.

My grandson was still not talking clearly and still using just a few single words when he was nearly 3. His pediatrician suggested that his mother have him evaluated and gave her the phone numbers of a private professional as well at one for Multnomah County Intermediate School District Office. We learned that each county is mandated by law to evaluate and provide services to any baby/child who would have difficulty succeeding in school. IF the child is evaluated and found to benefit from services there are more intensive services available before the child is 3. It turned out that my grandson has speech apraxia and has been in speech therapy provided by the school district since he was evaluated.

One of my friends first suggested the possibility that my grandson was autistic. She worked in the school district providing services for autistic children. I dismissed her suggestion. I did feel some concern but I believed that he was not autistic and accepted her comments as showing her concern for me and my grandson. She didn't try to convince; just made the suggestion allowing me to ask her questions which I did.

It also turns out that he has learning disabilities most likely related to some degree of autism although he does not have classic symptoms. I was glad that my friend had made the suggestion that his was possible a couple of years before I became aware that autism was a part of his difficulties. Her suggestion gave me time to process the idea and to do research.

We think my grandson is also quite smart. As he became older I realized that he does quickly learn and knows as much as a kid his age but he isn't able to put what he knows together in a mature fashion. This is something that I couldn't see when he was younger. I think that a professional person knows how to look for signs that aren't obvious to the untrained person.

I suggest that you call the County Intermediate Education District and ask about an evaluation. They may say that your daughter does not have sensory processing issues or any form of autism. In which case you will be reassured that your own assessment is correct. And if, by chance, she does need some assistance you are getting that for her while she's the age to benefit the most from intervention. This is a win/win situation. You have nothing to lose.

When I was doing research I discovered that there are many disorders/learning disabilities and then many variation on those. I found it impossible and still do find it impossible to fully understand my grandson's difficulties. Lack of speech is obvious. He has other characteristics that are not obvious.

Two characteristics that I thought of as normal when he was two and that have become even more intense is his seeking strong touch. He runs pel mel when he greets someone. I have to brace myself so that I don't fall. I have repeated over and over for 2-3 years that he should slow down etc. He still runs and nearly knocks me over. When he was a toddler he'd run hard into walls and furniture. He'd bounce off and keep on running or sit down and cry. He couldn't seem to learn how to avoid solid objects.

The other thing is that he would stuff his mouth so full that he didn't have space to chew. He still does that too.

A sensory disorder can manifest itself either has needing strong touch in order to feel something or the opposite being sensitive to light touch.

Both of my grandchildren are strong willed and independant. As toddlers they had frequent temper tantrums. My granddaughter outgrew the tantrums. My grandson at 6 still has frequent tantrums. He has difficulty following directions. He can, when he chooses to, do one thing but we can't tell him to do 2 or 3 things at the same time. At 2 this was normal. At 6 it isn't.

On his own my grandson counts. He can start at 18 or go up in chronological order as well as starting at 1 but if you ask him to count to 10 he gives you a blank look. Same for the alphabet. He knows his numbers and the alphabet but he has difficulty using them.

My grandson is a delightful child. He is liked by adults and children. He is very social and fun to play with. He does have difficulty knowing how to interrelate at times. I'd guess his social skills are more at a 3 yo level. He's not a follower or a leader. He's often in his own world but not the silent withdrawn world that I'd associated with autism. He's active and searches out people with whom to interact.

I'm saying that recognizing autism, sensory processing disorders or any of the numerous ways of being in this world that handicap a child once they're in school is very complex. Have your daughter evaluated and set your mind at ease. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

I just read a comment about mercury. Mercury is no longer used in children's vaccinations. You can call the health department or your pediatrician to confirm that.

K.,
I understand how upsetting this can be for you. I am not sure how your friend brought up her concerns, obviously it wasn't done with tact and love, or else your reaction might have been different. I can speak from my experience that when I have had concerns for children that I associate with, it is very hard to know how to bring it up. My niece looked as though she was developmentally slow when she was younger, and I brought it up to my sister. We have an open relationship, so I felt I could discuss this with her. (I do have some background in dealing with special needs kids, but not a whole bunch). She ended up having her tested, and they said she was fine. But then she knew, so she didn't have to worry about it. I would say that you, as your daughter's mother, know her best and would be aware of problems she might have. Although, sometimes being so close, can also be hard too, because we sometimes need to take a step back. But having your husband and sister "evaluate" her was a good idea. I would take your findings to your friend and tell her you understand that she was doing this out of concern and love, but you have done some research and don't feel it is a concern. If you still felt upset, you can always bring it up with her pediatrician who is supposed to screen for those kinds of issues and see what he says.

On a slightly different aspect, if anyone ever does have any concerns, early intervention is the best way to address those issues. It gives everyone coping abilities and knowledge that they might not have had if they didn't assess. It is never easy to think our children might not be perfect, but it helps them out so much in the long run if we can take care of these things earlier, rather than later.

Good luck and may health and happiness find you and your family.

Hi Kirsten - To first answer your question about responding to your friend: Take a BIG breath and then write down all your thoughts, fears, anger, etc about what she said and how it made you feel. Let that flow into any fear that part of this "might/might not" have some valid point. Then re-read all of it from both points of view - yes there might be something going on that in her working with special needs kids might see that another person (including parents) might not see early. In doing this process part of the fear that "if" something might be "wrong" we as parents need to let go (include grieve) of any "plans/expectations" that we have for our kids and let them develop the way they are (and just so you know just having a disability-learning, physical, emotional, etc - does not mean that something is "wrong"!).

Now after you have put your thoughts & fears & anger on paper and have reviewed it. Think about "what if" she was right. Are you glad that you had a friend who was concerned enough for you & your family to finally say something? When you look at it that way and write down your continued thoughts & feelings you can continue to process what was said and what you want to do about it. After you have done this ask your friend for a cup of coffee or something. Tell her that you want to talk about the things she shared with you. Have a list of questions: what made her think there was a need for assessment? what were the signs that she saw? (and any others that you can think you want to know). Share with her that you were hurt and angry but for the good of your daughter you want to know more. This will give her a chance to explain in-depth why she came to that conclusion and her own "fear" for your child (remember to take notes so you remember all what was said). After you two visit & talk (without great emotion) then talk with the people at your daughter's daycare or whoever spends time with your daughter when you are away about any observations they may see. Use the notes from your meeting with your friend to do a Q&A with them. The daycare or whoever spends time with her might have some ideas/observations that they may not be trained to realize but your Q&A with them might make them be more observant for you. This information will help you when you do talk with the peditrician.

Now after all of this, to answer your second question about "should" you get her assessed, my answer is: IT DOES NOT HURT to have a kid assessed! Take your notes to the peditrician (make sure you tell the dr office what it is about so they can schedule enough time to talk & answer your questions and not have to be rushed for the next appointment). Let them know what was said & what the signs were that your friend stated. Tell them you want to know if there is anything that the peditrician can see that might give them pause to consider that.

You said your friend mentioned: autism, Asperger's and/or sensory integration disorder. Just so you know those three areas are VERY broad and have from very very mild to severe and can be interlinked or not. The "classic" symptoms that you mentioned above are more on the severe side of the spectrum and are not present in all kids with those disabilities. Some of tests that are available on the internet are not specific enough to self-diagnosis. There are too many different diagnosis areas that if any of us tried to give you specifics we would run out of room on this site. Many books are filled with possibilities. So, if the signs your friend saw & if the dr agrees more than likely they will refer you to the early intervention services/specialist in your area (Infant & Toddler Program - each state has a different name). For FREE through the early intervention program (specialist you may have to go through your insurance) they will help with evaluations (which should at least include speech/language & pediatric occupational therapy (for sensory, etc). You might be lucky enough to work with a developmental peditrician, through all of these & others you can then make a more informed decision as to what, if anything, needs to be the next step. You may find out that she is good to go, you might find out that she has a higher intelligence and might need help in keeping her stimulated or you might find out that she is needing some assistance in an area. No matter what the outcome is you then have clear ANSWERS to your questions and will know how to move forward.

One thing to remember that even highly intelligent kids can & do have disabilities. There is no one particular kind. Kids with disabilities can even be on the "Gifted & Talented" programs as school, each child is a unique child!

For me personally I have come a very long way since my son (now 6 1/2) was a little over a year old and the doctor was the first one to mention that my son should be evaluated for speech/language services. My first reaction was being upset "no, my kid is just fine" (I even searched the internet too). But that started me thinking & processing what was said - again they were looking out for my son for his betterment! When he was about 18 months old I finally took him in for an evaluation with an SLP. In reviewing with the SLP their Q&A as well as the beginning observations my eyes started to open. I knew that he was developing a little slower than his older brother (who was an early talker) but all kids develop different. I realized that his temper tantrums were his way of communicating (he wanted things like food/drink and could not develop the motor structure to tell me what he wanted). In the very first day with the SLP we had success and brought those things home to continue to work on. I then with my eyes open more I could see that there really was a hiccup on how his speech/language was developing. He still sees the SLP and has made great progress, we have also found a few other things that could hamper things in life (tremors in his hands & possible processing as well as some mild sensory issues) but with early intervention majority of this will not have an effect on his later years in life.

Just remember that you are human and it is OK to express emotion on how & what happens in life. It is how we respond to things is what gives us character and makes us stronger. Just remember that you are not alone! God Bless

Autism is not all about arm flapping, rocking, and non-responsiveness. My daughter's autism initially showed in difficulty in swallowing solids, no babbling and late talking, wanting to ride escalators over and over, being easily over-stimulated (having too many choices was overwhelming to her), and with an inability to stick with a task/game/book/etc long enough to complete it. Asperger's is very high functioning (gifted child) form of autism - sometimes concentrating too much on things that are important to the child, but often with rituals that are meaningless to the parent (except not to do them causes a meltdown). Transitions (going from one task/place/group of people to another) are often difficult for kids with Aspergers.

That said, thank your friend for her concern and tell her you had your daughter assessed and you are glad to report she is fine. I have had friends (highly experienced with children) that suggested that if I went to parenting classes I could do a better job with raising my child. Likely that's true -- it would be beneficial to most parents -- but the message would have been better received if they hadn't been so insulting, condescending and demeaning to me in delivering that message (implicit here was the message "you're a bad mom because you don't really understand your own child's needs"). At the time I felt this was more of an issue of stay-at-home moms trying to show superiority to a working mom (me) and took it with a grain of salt after that.

Hi. I hope that you have had some time to think about all of this and maybe get your thoughts wrapped around it. I would like to say that I think you must know that your friend has the best interest of you and your child in mind. I was really concerned about my daughter (sounds somilar to yours), but as she got a little older she didnt fit any of the "classic" signs either. She does have OCD though.
Think of it this way, IF there is something going on with your child, wouldnt you want to know now? So that you can be better prepared for helping her thrive. I really think that your friend was trying to help you. She may be completely wrong in the way she went about it, but that is a very hard thing to actually bring up to a friend. As I see it you have a couple options:
1. Talk to your friend and let her know that you are thankful for her concern, though you were pretty hurt by how she brought it up.
2. check with your doctor and have your child assessed, if she is on the spectum, thank your friend for bringing it to light. Trust me if your child does have a condition you want to know sooner than later.
I strongly urge you not to sever your relationship with your friend or refuse to consider the possiblities. Better to find out that your friend was wrong than you, right? Best of luck to you.

You have a lot of good advice people are giving you. Your friend, if a good one, is only trying to help and do it out of love. I know the feeling when someone approaches you about our little ones we love so dearly. My brother is a pediatric development specialist and three years ago this month he came to me and told me he thinks my daughter might have a speech delay. I was so hurt and mortified at the same time. I love my brother so much, but was hurt and sad thinking he thought something was not right. Though I did listen to him and have her checked out right away. It turns out she did have autism. I was so stunned, sad, mad, angry, confused, depressed. Not to mention I had just given birth to my second child and was so overwhelmed! Three years later, I am SO GRATEFUL I had my brother tell me this. I was able to get her help and she is doing so great. She is also completley smart. She knew ALL her shapes(octagon) colors, numbers and so much more before she was 3! Kids with autism are incredibly smart. And my daughter never had the classic signs of autism. She did not flap or stuff like that. She did tend to flip her back onto a soft surface occasionly, she did line up her toys( which I had NEVER noticed before) Anyway, I just want you to know that it is best to have her checked and to listen to your friend. She wants only to help, I am sure. Dr's of course, are very helpful, however, they usually don't have the training when it comes to helping to know of autism. I would really look at her speech and behavior closely and be able to answer questions. Our dr also asked me if she was speaking words and all and she was at those points, but it was not consistantly, she would say a word once or twice and not say it again and I did not even realize it.
Sorry to ramble, but I know how you feel and if you ever need to talk, feel free to email me!!!
B.

Diagnosing Autism in a child so young is difficult. One must see an expert. Don't let your friend upset you so much. She is an undiplomatic klutz.
Your daughter is artistic, intelligent and may grow up to be somebody quite talented. I would not worry.
High spirited and temperamental describe people who are creative and inventive.

Hi K..
I've been involved with autism in a few different forms-The ISAAC foundation in Spokane WA, my neighbor's son (who is 3 mos younger than mine was diagnosed with autism), my sister's daughter is somewhere on the spectrum (and refuses to get diagnosed).

Being on the other side of things. I am a physical therapist and first noticed my niece's exceptional intelligence when she was 2. She did not develop the same social skills that other children her age developed. She was a very difficult child as far as behavior goes and still is worried "if someone is talking about her", etc. (she's 12). The neighbor boy was diagnosed when he was 4. I saw symptoms in him when he was young (a year). His parents weren't ready to accept that until they had him diagnosed.

If your friend told you, and she really has been a good friend, please know how hard it probably was, but she probably felt an obligation as a friend and someone in the field to tell you. Early diagnosis on the autism spectrum means better intervention. It also means access to therapies that your daughter may not be eligible for depending on her age.

Counting to 18 for a 22 month old is better than the norm. That doesn't mean anything is abnormal. It's a combination of things that give the diagnosis.

It sounds like your upset with your friend, but maybe you should try to talk with her and find out why she came to this conclusion and get her recommendation as to who she would have test your daughter. If she is in the field, she may know someone that is good diagnostically (this is very important). Your pediatrician may be a good place to start. Know though, that they can miss certain signs if the visit is short or if autism isn't their specialty.

It sure doesn't hurt to get tested. EARLY INTERVENTION is key. As a parent, if she is on the spectrum, you may pick up some key strategies or know that she may act the way she does for a reason. This will be easier to parent than "bad behavior".

Hi K.
I am a stay at home mom with no medical background. I am responding as a woman and mother who has had something similar like this happen to my now 10 year old. She is in the gifted program at school and exceeding.
I have a 24 month old who I think is pretty bright as well, but she can't do half of the skills you described your daughter doing. You have a very bright energetic daughter. It sounds to me like your friend may have a tinge of jealousy. Come at her with love. It sounds like your life is pretty great. Let her know you checked and she is good to go, but thanks for the concern. Don't let the negative bug get you for one more second. Who knows your friend may grow in the process.

Hi K.,

My son was just diagnosed w/ PDD (a form of mild autism). If you see him you would never know that. He too is extremely smart and just a normal kid. He, however, does flap his hands and is a little obsesive about things being in order. The only way that we decided to have him checked was by me telling his doctor about the hand flapping which he does only when he's excited. She then suggested we go and see someone else. We've been very proactive with what little information we know and have told his Kindergarten teacher who is wonderful. We've talked to the special ed teacher and she is now involved in his educational program. Both my husband and I are very grateful to have found this out because we believe that early intervention is the best way to help him out and hopefully get a negative diagnosis in the future. I guess what I'm saying is that you should talk to the pediatrician, maybe metnion to her what your friend told you and that she's a special ed teacher. The Ped will then decide what to do. I don't think your friend meant to be mean. She probably is just concerned and I would hate for your anger towards her get in the way of you seeking any services for your daughter in the rare case she may need them. If all is okay, then you can happily tell your friend that she was wrong, and if not, then you can hug her and thank her for alerting you and getting your daughter started on a road to recovery as soon as possible. Good Luck.

I'm sure your friend was talking only out of concern. Maybe she hasn't seen enough of your daughter to truly assess. Handle her w/ love especially if this is a relationship you want to keep. Are you close enough you could ask what specifically made her think autism?
From your home assessments it sounds like your daughter is fine. She is almost 2, mention it to your dr at the 2 yr check up. It never hurts for a second opinion.

I understand that was difficult news to hear, especially out of the blue, but instead of getting upset with your friend, talk to her about her concerns. Also, discuss this with your pediatrician. It will either puts your fears to rest or get you on the road to understanding your daughter's issues (if she has any).

Don't take your friend's comments to close to the chest...at least not yet. They may be completely unfounded. Use your powers of Mommy Deduction---you know your child best!

It sounds like you have done a little research on the subject since her suggestion (it's good to be proactive!). But I try to remember that many people these days over diagnose children, at least in my opinion, so don't be quick to jump to conclusions. So do what feels right to you. If you feel a little uneasy or suspicious about her "diagnosis" then do more thorough and in depth research. After that consult your pediatrician. Although it's tough, we Mommies love our kids so much, try to remain calm and level headed. : )

As far as your friend goes, I agree with Jen C. Evaluate your friendship with her. Is she a good friend or an acquaintance? Is she always quick to judge? Or is she normally sincere and compassionate? The answers to these questions will help you figure out her true intent by bringing up this subject. Even so, it's never appropriate to worry one another unnecessarily or criticize. We are all on the same team! We need to remember this. Advice or opinion is something that we need to dole out carefully and judiciously. Those who give advice and opinions need to be heedful and aware of how our remarks may hurt, and possibly may not even be followed.

Take the time to think all of this through before confronting your friend about this incident. You don't want to say things either of you will regret, especially if you value her friendship. It sounds like you're doing the best you can, which means you are a great mom! Keep that in mind.

Good luck! Sorry so long winded. : )

I'm sorry that what your friend said upset you. I'm thinking that of course she means well, and try to keep in mind that whenever someone works in a particular field, they don't think of it as upsetting or weird to just talk bluntly about those issues. She probably did not realize how much this would upset you. That being said, it is really hard to know what is going on with one's child when they are just under two. They're just starting to hit so many milestones, and they all come at different skills in such a different order, unless a kid has very obvious delays, it's often guesswork for even the professionals.

We went through a lot of testing with our son, who is now four. He demonstrated a lot of the things you are describing about your daughter, except he was already in early intervention for speech delay. Our speech therapist (and I) had suspicions he might be on the autism spectrum. He received that label through early intervention, but has since been evaluated a ton by medical professionals and they say he isn't. One of the things I learned during this process is that everything developmental is on a spectrum (especially disorders like Autism), and some kids seem like they fall on that spectrum, but then 3 months later they don't. I would say that unless you have serious concerns about your daughter's development/behavior, don't worry about what your friend said. You know your child better than anyone, and it's only a problem if it's actually a problem. Do talk to your pediatrician, but know that there is a huge subjectivity to the way these kids are "diagnosed" with various disorders. And kids who are "intense" or "strong-willed", etc., often get mislabeled with a disorder.

There is a book called "Raising your Spirited Child" I have been reading (b/c my son is one of those "intense" kids). It's really good so far and puts some of that stuff into perspective.

Best of luck to you and know that you are your child's best advocate!

Those of us who have worked with disabled children are always recognizing little patterns, but we try to be responsible by not being alarmed, or alarming others. My first reaction from what you wrote was that your friend may be noticing your daughter's very high intelligence. Since that is a common trait of Aspergers, if someone has worked mostly with highly intelligent handicapped children, it may be hard to recognize "normal" development, since much of what they do is really beyond what is normal for other children. I'm sorry you have had this experience with your friend, and impressed that you took the concern seriously anyway and followed up with assessments. Consider your friend's concerns to have placed you on notice that you have a unique girl there, and you may be challenged to keep ahead of her! You've done the screening, you'll probably learn more about symptoms, just for your own benefit and in case there's anything that shows up, and you'll certainly be challenged to keep this delightful little curtain-climber learning at her apparently capable level beyond her peers. Do you have a piano? Trampoline? Soccer ball? Good selection of books? Enjoy!

Incidentally, we have a friend who is a very high level accountant. He has Aspergers and must work in an environment where his unique needs are taken into account, but is able to do everything normally, dealing with very technical data. He just doesn't show any emotion. He works reasonably well with the public and very well with co-workers. So I say, thank your friend for her insight and just don't spend much time with her for awhile. Later you can talk about the screening scores you came up with and other followup you've done. She meant well and you and your hubby are apparently doing such a great job, you can just take her comments under advisement and get on with your life. You'll get lots more "what if" moments of all kinds as she grows up, you can count on it. Enjoy today!

In the majority of cases, for someone to speak up it's out of genuine care and concern, so don't take it personally. I am sure she meant well. I would ask her for more specifics regarding her concerns and what symptoms she is seeing. Maybe your daughter's public behavior is different from private and she isn't getting the entire picture. You can also take her concerns to the pediatrician and get a second opinion. From there, what you do is up to you, but remember, there is so much overdiagnosis happening right now it's not funny!

Also, if she has been vaccinated recently, she could be having a nerve and/or mental reaction to mercury that is appearing. Many children work out the reaction to the vaccine's mercury, but some do not process it well and she may be catching early signs that she isn't. If this is the case, a naturopathic doctor could help with a detox program to help get the mercury out and avoid any permanent damage if there is anything suspect. Acting sooner rather than later is key! So your friend may just be trying to speak up now while you can do something about it even if she is only suspect there is an issue over being absolutely certain.

And of course, she may simply be completely wrong and seeing your child's strong will and spiritedness in the wrong light!

I can tell that your friend really hurt your feelings. Kudos to you about the counting to 18 and ABC's. My daughter is 3 and is stubborn about learning that type of stuff - especially when people want her to do something in particular.

Why don't you rest your mind at ease by calling your pediatrician? I highly doubt your friend would suggest something like that to be competitive or show off any sort of professioanl knowledge that she may have. If so, than she has no business being your friend.

So, why not call your daughter's doctor and discuss what happened, the home tests you did, etc. See what he/she has to say and follow their advice over your friends.

Then when you know you are truly coming from an informed place and you've done all the responsible things you've started to do, call and talk with your friend. Don't come from a place of anger. You're lucky really. Look how much more you know about her. 1 - She has the guts to tell you something she thinks is in your best interest even if she knows you won't like it. or 2 - If she admits that she didn't really have any basis to say something like that then you know she's no friend at all.

But my gut reaction is that even if there is nothing wrong with your daughter that the answer will still be number 1. She told you so that you would have a chance at early intervention. It doesn't mean she's right. It means she's giving you a chance just in case you need it. And that, girl, is a friend.

Good luck.

It is my understanding that Autism can't be determined at this age. Many toddlers often will have some of the characteristics that can be signs at Autism at an older age. I think the issue is that they don't grow out of those actions. I am very impressed with how much your daughter can do already, and I would not be concerned with her abilities at this point. My son can count to 5 at 23 months, and we are pretty happy with that.

We have a friend of the family that works with special need kids and sees symptoms of all types of learning disabilities in all kids and adults she comes into contact with. It is frustrating, but we shrug it off that she sees these actions each day so when a perfectly normal child makes one of these actions that she sees as a signal she over-reacts with concern. It is because they are concerned about our children not being judgmental of our actions. In all honesty we can't control learning disabilities so how can it be judgmental. I think if you take their comments as concern for your daughter it will help with the hurt feelings.

As for discussing with her I would wait till it is a little less fresh and you are a little less hurt. I would then say something like "thank you for your concern, but we did some research and don't see a need for any worry at this point." I would mention that many toddlers have these signs, but it is when they don't grow out of them that it is an issue. I can't remember the exact age, but you should be able to find it out there. Also say something like "We have a lot of faith in our pediatrician, and I am sure that if in the future there is any reason to become concerned she will let us know. I appreciate that you work with kids with these disabilities each day, but I would rather have you be just my friend, and save these types of discussions with my pediatrician who I don't have an emotional tie to."

I am not great with words, and I would probably work through this a few more times, but hopefully you will get the gist. Good Luck.

I think the previous advice of giving yourself some space from your friend is a good idea. And in time, you can address when you feel a bit more clear-headed about what to say and how to say it. I am sure her intentions came from a very good place, but just isn't an easy thing to hear.

I would talk to your pediatrician and explain where your questions are coming from. I think that anything that is taking too much headspace/brainspace should be acted upon, so that you can move on. It sounds like your child is fine..but do yourself a favor and talk to your pediatrician about it, just to put it behind you.

If she doesn't have any signs of anything being wrong then I wouldn't worry about it and maybe next time you go into the Dr you can ask what they think. But, from what you said she sound perfectly normal. I don't think it is worth an extra Dr visit unless you need to be reasured.

As far as your friend is concerned, I'd think about how much your friendship means to you and then go from there. If this friend is really special to you then maybe write her a letter and tell her exactly how you feel. Or you can always say it right to her face. I like writing letters as it gives me the time and space I need to figure out exactly what I want to say. I would think you could work it out. Maybe she doesn't realize how she came across. Now, if you don't care too much for her then just let it and her go. I'm sorry she hurt you! Good luck to you :)

I would talk to my pediatrician if I had any concern with my child. I'm sure your friend had the best of intentions, she just went about it wrong. I believe that we are too quick to judge and compare our children to other children. I'm sure your child is fine, but if YOU think there is something wrong then you should talk to the doctor. There is no shame if there is something wrong. The shame would be ignoring it and not helping your child. Both my children have been in speech therapy. I know that doesn't compare with autism, but anytime something is not perfect about our children we wonder what went wrong. It doesn't sound to me like your child has autism, but I don't know a lot about it. Stop beating yourself up and call the pediatrician even for just peace of mind. As far as your friend is concerned, you have to decide if she is truly a friend or not and even worth your energy. If she is then consider that she was just trying to help. Not everyone knows the proper way to do that. Even if they are a professional in child care.

You could ask your friend why she thinks your child should be tested, pointing out that you haven't seen any of the signs of Autism or Asperger's. Or you can talk with your pediatrician about it and then politely tell your friend that your doctor is not worried and so neither are you.

If you are at all concerned about your daughter, mention it at your next ped. appointment. It sounds like your daughter is social, active, and intelligent, so I would not worry much.

As for your friend, try not to be overly sensitive. She may have been basing her assessment off one or two encounters with your child. She was out of line, but it sounds like she was well meaning. Gently tell her that, while you appreciate her concern for your child's development, that she is fine, and that in the future the only assessment you need of your child's development will come from your Pediatrician.

The idea of a child being autistic is upsetting to any parent, and anyone suggesting it should be very careful to be gentle and have some good reasons, so it is very understandable for you to be upset. However, she likely is bringing it cause she cares about your daughter.. so try to take that into account when you think about it all.

It certainly can't hurt to have her evaluated, although it sounds like she is fine based on what you said (although I know of a couple of cases of autism that do not have the signs you mentioned), but having problems ruled out will likely comfort you now, and if your friend brings it up again, you'll be able to respond with, "we've had it checked by a specialist and she's fine".

Your friend, unless she's a highly trained doctor, is not qualified to diagnose autism. I've studied to become a speech therapist (not done with school yet) and they've emphasized to us that a diagnosis is normally done by a doctor specializing in pediatric development (not even a normal pediatrician normally) - such as you will find at Children's Hospital.

If you call the county health department where you live, they'll do a free screening and tell you if there is any justification as to bringing this up to the pediatrician or having her further evaluated.

I completely understand how you are feeling. When my daughter was about 18mo, I had a friend going to school for her masters in social work, and for an assignment she asked to do some excercises with my daughter, assessing different things. She noted I may want to have her developement looked in to, as she was not doing some key things that an 18mo should be able to do. I too, was offended/hurt/could not see any deficit, however, did look in to it and it was true, and catching these things that early allowed for her to be assessed and enrolled in an early intervention program that allowed her to get help long before she would start preschool.
Whether your friend is right or not, I think it's a good idea to bring it up with the pediatrician, they are able to look at things with an unbiased approach, and it would be so much better to know either way, than to not.
I am sorry that your family is going through this! Just know that it will be okay :)

Take some time off from your friend. If you do talk to her, thank her for her concern and tell her you'll take it under advisement. If you think your daughter is OK, she probably is.

You'll see her pedi again in a couple months for a 2 year check up. If you have lingering concerns, talk to your doc then.

Remember all the "advice" you got while you were pregnant? Unfortunately, it does not end at the birth of the child, as you probably know by now. It goes on and on and on, even as your child grows into adulthood. Everyone's got an opinion...too bad not everyone knows when to keep it to themselves.

You know your child best. Go with your gut.

K. don't worry or stress yourself! You're the Mom and you would be the first to have a feeling if anything was wrong. Also, if you have a good Pediatrician they would have noticed if it was a real concern. Unfortunately we live in this new world of labeling our kids and giving them a crutch for the rest of their lives! I'm so tired of all the labels we force on kids that are just fine and being kids. plus, then it takes away time and money from kids that actually have real issues! I also don't think that people should give out their hurtful opinions and use the excuse of being "helpful and concerned". I don't think it was her place at all, she's not around your child enough to make a diagnoses! she's not her mother, teacher, or doctor! that behavior is so dangerous and she needs to keep her ideas to herself because look at all the stress it is causing you. but you know what they say about "a little knowledge..." people need to learn to keep there ridiculous ideas to themselves. I'm sure you little girl is totally fine and wonderful, don't give it another thought!!! God Bless -B

Before i had a kid i told all my friends that if they thought i needed to hear something, they should tell me. Furthermore, i'd probably be angry in the minute, if it was hard to hear, but i'd do my best to not take it out on them, and move quickly to the part where i was grateful that someone was trying to help.

I think your friend really was probably trying to help, and thats what a good friend does. I'd urge you to try to see that viewpoint. When you talk to your friend again you can thank her for trying to help, but explain to her that you're still feeling hurt from the way she disclosed the information. If you can give her details about what was so hurtful, or a suggestion for how she could do the task the next time, that would be the most helpful.

Normally i'd say you should follow up on the idea, for due diligence if nothing else, but it sounds like you already have. It is not so hard, though, to ask your pediatrician if your daughters behaviors seem normal for a reality check. However, you also know your daughter better than anyone else, so your judgment matters.

Here is what you say: Thank you for your concern, I will talk about it with our pediatrician.
And then if you truly have any concerns, speak to your doctor.

People who deal with certain issues for their jobs or private life's (like having an autistic child or working in special ed) often get tunnel vision. They assess kids by the standards they know best and see every day. Suddenly they see symptoms in everyone they encounter, this is especially easy with such fuzzily described disorders as autism.

I'm sure she didn't mean anything by it, she probably just does not know your child very well. Let me give you an example: we go to a playgroup every week for a year now. My daughter rarely ever speaks a word and often refuses to participate in group activities. She has just recently begun to warm up and everybody told me that they were SOOO surprised to see her like that (in her usual chatty, running around wild state).

If this is a really good friend of yours, or if she brings it up again, I would simply tell this woman, that while you appreciate her concerns, it is NONE OF HER BUSINESS! And you would prefer for her not to try to diagnose your child. She is not your daughters health provider nor was she asked for her professional or otherwise opinion.
Someone who "works with special ed children" is usually NOT QUALIFIED to diagnose these conditions (unless she is a pediatrician or pediatric psychiatrist). I don't even know how many children are wrongly labeled autistic or with some other disorder, because a concerned friend has made such a well meaning, but unqualified assessment.

Dear K.,

Your friend is likely projecting on to your daughter.

You are clearly right about your toddler.

It is common for people to want to fit others into their own version of reality. Because she works with special needs kids she is likely seeing special needs everywhere she goes and has ceased to be objective about this subject.

This trend towards diagnosing children in an attempt to make us all fit in to a certain homogenized behavior and pattern of growth is dangerous. As a mother/parent you have an inner sense of your child. This medical model where there is always someone looking for a problem with your child is a trend because so many people you trust are making a great deal of money "fixing" your child. True there are somethings that are helped when diagnosed early, but many of the children are being drugged and treated because they are different. This runs the risk of individual creativity and talent being lost to fitting our kids into a "standard". It seems to me a way to take our humanity away from our kids and make them easy for the masses to control.

Strong willed kids are wonderful, guide them to put that energy into accomplishing something or into enough real outside exercise.

My son was told he was ADHD and that he should be on drugs by a distant relative, who convinced his father that there was something wrong with the boy. I went to experts with varying results. When I found a wonderful man who mentored me and taught me to "give my son space", reduce stimulation including TV, gave him a guitar to put his energy into and take any offending foods out of his diet (wheat and dairy are major offenders in behavior and health issues) my son was and is ok. It wasn't him, it was the crazy environment that pushes and over stimulated him. He is 12 now and an awesome drug free healthy child without any diagnosis to burden his life.

As parents we have to put our child ahead of what someone tells us they should be. Being happy and finding out who they really are is much more important than fitting into someone's idea of who they should be.

Be strong mom and use your heart to know what is best for your kids.

NaomiMarie.com

Hi - I think that you should let yourself calm down for a little bit and then just talk to her. If she is your friend, ask her why she would say those things and be direct. Let her know that you have been upset by what she said and would like to let her know that you have had your feelings hurt.
I would also talk to your pediatrician and ask about it, not just take the word of a friend on something this serious. I dont think she even thought about how it would upset you and thought she was trying to help. But talk it out and be frank with her otherwise you might not be friends for much longer..

I didn't hear the way she said it--but I can guess if she is a true friend she just cares....No one wants to hear that but lots of kids are missed and it doesn't hurt ANY child to get tested.. Usually people that don't care don't take the time or energy to say anything- it's easier-I'd give her credit-- Hope I hit the mark
Just be blunt and ask her so you two can still be friends
L

I just have to say a quick thing about people who work with children, myself included. You tend to go back to what you know. You see a child exhibiting some unusual behavior and you instantly go to that autistic child you had in your class that used to do that. You hear about a child's weird habit and you instinctively think about the special needs kid at school that does that every day. You get tunnel vision! I do it with my own daughter... She does something that I've seen a kid with sensory issues do and I immediately think she's got sensory issues. My doctor teases me with saying, "You are definitely a teacher!" You friend just has a bigger pool to pull from working with all special needs kids.

Anyway... I would be TOTALLY frustrated and annoyed too. She didn't go about it the right way. She is used to working with parents who already KNOW their children have special needs and, to be honest, I think I would tell her that. Sometimes people don't even realize they're too abrasive; they're used to doing what they do everyday and she talks about autism to her kids' parents, parents that have a diagnosis and have accepted it.

So, unless you see reasons (which you don't) that you child should be evaluated then I wouldn't worry. She has a bit of a narrowed scope. :)

Give yourself some space and not see your friend for a while. Next time you see your doc, bring up the ideas of emotional and mental development. Don't mention autism. If your daughter is, he will bring it up.

In the meantime, trust your and your husband's knowledge. Don't dwell on it! (hard to do, easy to say) And give your self some space from your friend.

Dear K.,

It sounds like this is hard for everyone all around. If this is a good friend at all, please know she is doing this not out of anything other than concern and love for your child. This kind of situation could damage even the most solid of friendships. Imagine having a friend who's child you thought was at risk. Now imagine working up the courage to confront that friend.

In what capacity does your friend work with autistic children? (Is she a volunteer or does she have formal training such as a speech pathologist might?) There must be signs she is seeing that lead her to this conclusion, and they must be persuasive enough to bring her to the point that she'd talk to you about it.

As parents, we often overlook or explain away certain behaviors because our kids are perfect (or dang near close!) so this will be hard. Having a test done on your child means there is a possibility, however small, that something is wrong. On the one hand, a test done by a professional could rule out any issues and then you could breathe a sigh of relief and wash your hands of the incident. On the other, if there is a problem, it would be discovered and addressed so it doesn't turn into a larger issue later.

It's understandable that you're angry but it would be helpful to know why your friend came to this conclusion, so when and if you can, try to speak with her. What signs of autism does she see and how often is she with your child? Does most of her information on the child's behavior come from actual observation or from conversations with you? This will give you more information for when you are speaking with your daughter's pediatrician at the two-year old well-child check-up.

To answer your questions specifically:

1. How should you respond to your friend? In a calm manner. And really listen instead of hearing what she has to say and jumping in to counter every observation she's made. You can start with the disclaimer that you're hurt, pissed, etc. but also explain that you want to understand what lead her to that conclusion to help get the conversation started.

2. Should you have your daughter assessed or talk to her pediatrician? I'd start with the pediatrician first and see what he/she has to say. If you don't want to wait until her next appointment, call and make an appointment and advise the scheduler that you want to address this issue specifically. It might ease your mind, though, to have a test done by someone who is trained to administer it and interpret the results.

3. What are the signs of the disorders she suggested in toddlers? I just did a Google search for autism in toddlers and came up with this link to WebMD (I consider this to be a fairly reliable source):

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/news/20070705/cues-may-...

And that link had another link to information on Asperger's:

http://www.webmd.com/brain/autism/tc/aspergers-syndrome-t...

(As an aside, I noticed right away this line: "Asperger’s syndrome is usually noticed at age 3 or later.")

Best of luck!
C.

When my son was 3 - 4 I was pretty shocked when our preschool teacher began saying the same thing. He did show a few more classic signs. I went to my pediatrician first who said that some things concerned him (single focus on cars) and some things did not (affection with me/pretty social) and that if I wanted an eval we could go that way. From what I then read myself, 22 months is too early to do a real eval anyway. Things change for kids so quickly.

Eventually I did get an assessment and he did not fall on the scale at all. At his five year check the doc was very pleased and the same teacher has said his periods of going into his own world are the exception and not the norm. He just needed time.

Not sure how to approach your friend. Did she give you specific reasons of why she felt this eval was necessary? I insisted on it from the teacher, and even then denied it. When the teacher first suggested it, you could have knocked me over with a feather. I didn't say anything at first. When I could respond reasonably, I did. Maybe other moms have better advice.

You know your child so trust your instincts.