How to Let Go and Let Your Kids Be

it's hard for me to be helpful here, because my personality and parenting style are on the opposite end of the spectrum<G>.
can you pick your battles? rather than micromanaging so many things, maybe pick one or two MUSTS and force yourself to let the rest go?
at 16 your son is too old for a bedtime. tiredness the next day is a good natural consequence for staying up too late. so is a poor grade for not getting schoolwork done. sit down with HIM and ask him where he thinks he needs some helpful reminders and where he wants you to back off. it might surprise you.
your daughter might just be a lone wolf. nothing wrong with that. if she's friendly with the girls at school but prefers not to reach out, she's may just genuinely need a lot of solitary recharge-the-batteries time. most 14 year olds do want to be out with friends, but that doesn't mean that every single one should or must.
you can't force relaxation and you can't make yourself not worry. but you can make yourself butt out. if you are anxious even while you are intervening a lot, it's not as if your actions are alleviating the stress, are they? you CAN force yourself to stay more hands off.
and if it's really bothering you, you can always discuss your concerns with your children WITHOUT taking action. just make them aware of what's bothering you, and then let them do something or not, without insistence from you. that way you have expressed yourself, but are letting them make choices like the adults-in-training they are.
have a cup of tea and a nice hot bubble bath.
:) khairete
S.

I feel your pain and I have made a personal decision to let me kids choose where to hang and with whom and they chose home and me over peers not because I totally micro mange but because it is comfy and they like each other and me. My oldest is 15 and she has friends at school and couple good friends out of school. My hubby is very out going but we don't hang with many peers very often either so unless you are going out with girlfriends on a regular basis then your kids are just imitating what is going on at home. We are truly mirrors to our children in so many ways we as parents and we don't always realize it.
That being said you can count your blessing that your kids are where they are and not doing drugs,drinking, having sex, and anything else you would not want them to do. Good Luck!
J. O

Sounds like there really isn't much of a problem. I say if it aint broke don't fix it. Or who did say that? At any rate if your daughter was crying and wailing and feeling like she was emotionally damaged each day of her life, then I'd worry. She sounds like lots of people who simply know how to live without adding millions of people into her life. Which is wonderful should she live alone someday she will handle it without falling apart. Your son sounds very typical also, if you are really bothered by the homework problem, then take the games away. But my thoughts are why don't you just get out a good book and enjoy your life? There are many of us out here who are not nearly as fortunate as you have been.

I don't have teenagers yet, but I was one (lol). I never had a lot of friends, but I was friendly. In other words I just never felt the need to have a lot of close friends (I still don't). And though I did/do really enjoy talking with all different kinds of people and getting togther with friends when the circumstances arise, I am rarely the instigator. Some people just don't "need" to reach out as you describe. The only pressure I ever felt (feel) about this was outside of myself. And at some point I just said, you know, it's just not who I am.

So for your daughter I would just say let it be. She knows what she needs (or in this case, doesn't need).

I have no advice (except the same advice, he knows what he needs) about your son, so I'll let others respond to that.

In my home we have a strict no video games during the week policy and if school work is not completed there is no gaming on the weekends. The oldest boy in the house is obsessive over the gaming. I also require work from them to earn time with the game. Work such as washing dishes, vacumming, mopping, sweeping, laundry, making the beds, cooking, etc. There are many things that must be done. I'm the momma no the maid. My oldest boy is 16 and a junior which means it is about the time I begin to take my hands off. It is his life and in 2 short years he will be out of my house and away at college and having to manange his own time. I really don't want to wait for that to happen outside of my protective umbrella which is why I'm making him more responsible and having him deal with the real consquences of his actions.

As for your girl, don't push or press her on the friends. She will blossom in her own time. If you can get her involved in some kind of group or activity this may help much. Dance classes, acting classes, sports, or horseback riding are all activities she can participate in and perhaps gain some new friendships. If she is fine with her solitude, let her be. This may just be her character.

As for you with your anxiety, this is not healthy for your children. They may pick this up from you. Lertting go requires letting go. Have confidence in your abiltiy to teach and train them as a parent. Be willing to let them experience failures while under your protective umbrella. Teach them how to learn from making mistakes as well as learning from the mistakes of others. Keep an open communication but try not to lecture them too much. Loving them means being willing to let them go and grow.

I have a 15 year old girl who would rather have her nails pulled off than spend an hour at the mall with other girls. She is not a girly girl. Claire's and Bath and Body Works gag her. Her dream fun day is to have a full day at the Library of Congress, uninterupted. She is happy, has a couple friends at school but does not call them. She could really care less.

I had a 16 year old boy 5 years ago. We did give him a bedtime. His lights out was 11pm. His senior year of high school he got a job at a pizza shop, that kept him busy until 12am-1am sometimes. We had very strict rules concernign tv and the computer. We didn't even have cable and the computer was the famiy computer so we closed it with a password he didn't know.

Can your kids do a sport, like swimming or wrestling, track or cross country?
Somtimes just having friends on a team is enough.

It's a balance J., not all or nothing. it's hard for every one of us and a constant struggle to find that balance.

I do have a suggestion. Pick 3-5 women you implicitly trust. Or pick 2 and have those two each pick another. Women that aren't gossipy (can keep a secret, etc...) and create a Womens Group. I have been in a group such as this for 20 years. We meet once a month rotating homes. Each month we each take 10-15 minutes to tell about our month and our daily struggles. The group never criticizes, but we do share stories and things that have worked for each of us with our kids, marriages, parents, work, etc.... This is 100% a support group. So if you decide to do it pick supportive women. I rarely see this group of women except for the once a month as we live in different neighborhoods around the city....... in other words ......no need to pick your best friends (in fact a tight group probably wouldn't work best). I think this could really help you navigate the next few years by offering different perspectives.

I think the bottom line is to remember that your job as a parent is to give your kids the skills they need to be on their own which will be happening in just a few years. The idea is to help them be responsible and to learn to take care of themselves as they look forward to becoming independent of you. As they can handle more and more things, like their money, their rooms, washing their own clothes etc. you let go and let them make more amd more decisions on their own. If you remind yourself and your kids of this often, I think all of you will feel more confident. I'd have a talk with them and make a list of the things they will need to know to make decisions on their own. They have just a short time to get ready to go out into the world. Lots of luck to you!

With the 16 year old, you need to establish some firm rules that a) he is OLDER now and if he wants to have freedoms like staying up late and playing video games all the time, then the school work has to be done. Period. Tell him you're not going to check up on him and his homework, because he MUST learn to be responsible NOW (he'll be going off to college very soon), but the first progress report, report card or call home that shows homework is not being turned in or projects or papers are not being done -and the video games go. There's also nothing wrong with instituting a "lights out" policy at 11pm. Make sure he doesn't have the video game/tv system in his room. If he does and he fails to turn in even one assignment, that would be removed immediately. That's not micromanaging -that's parenting! You're not going to stand over him or check his work, but there will be swift consequences if he doesn't take responsibility for himself!

With your daughter -yes, many 14 year old girls want to go out all the time and have oodles of friends, but not everyone is that way. Keep an eye on her, and if she seems happy and well-adjusted (not depressed or secretive), then leave her alone. Some kids also reach social maturity later than others. It may take a year or two, but she may be wanting to go out a lot more than you would like by then! She may just not be the social animal type of person either -and that's okay. If it's bothersome to you, why don't you have an honest discussion with her and ask if she feels like she has friends. If she says no, ask her if that bothers her or if she wants to do anything about it and go from there. Let her know that you have to sometimes initiate an activity to make friends. Be careful here though -you don't want to take your daughter who feels fine right now and make her feel like something is wrong with her. I would be careful with that one -ask and accept her answers and don't ask her too often about calling people or going out.

I go through this all the time with my kids! Like you, my mom is not here any more for advice. I admit to micromanaging my kids at times, and am trying very hard to "let go" just like you. My son is 15 and I have made a concerted effort this school year to let him take more control over his schoolwork. It's not easy, because he is not the most self-motivated kid, and of course I don't want to see him fail. But I do feel he is still learning how to manage his time and if I can help him with that, that's a good thing. When he gets home from school, we chat about his day, I ask what his assignments are, and I try to help him budget his time (this is the area he struggles with - no concept of time or how long it takes to complete things!). After that he's pretty much on his own. At some point in the evening I will ask him if he got all his work done and then remind him to look ahead to the rest of the week's assignments to see if there is anything he can get ahead on. I don't feel this is intervening too much, (others may disagree), but it seems to be working. I cannot take a 100 percent hands off approach just yet, but we are making progress. Yes, I feel there is a point when you have to let them suffer the consequences for not getting work done, but only after you are satisfied that they have been given all the tools they need to succeed. As far as the bedtime goes, I am still adjusting to the concept of going to bed before he does! - it's a little unsettling! - but he still needs a reminder to turn his lights out at a decent hour. I can't really stay up to enforce this (getting old!) but he knows that if he stays up too late he will be dragging the next day, so he's pretty good about this. Coincidentally, my son is also similar to your daughter in not being the "instigator" when it comes to social activities. He is just so mellow and laid-back that sometimes it drives me crazy - he seems just as content being at home as he does when he gets invited somewhere, but he is RARELY the one who does the inviting. I think it bothers us (you and me) much more than it bothers our children! I think this is really just a personality thing - of course we would like our kids to be happily bustling around with friends, but I definitely get the feeling that with all the pressures that are out there these days, my son just feels comfortable and safe at home and sometimes that is preferable to him than being in a social situation. I don't know if I said that right but I hope that makes sense. I really wouldn't worry too much if I were you. Your kids are LUCKY that you care so much! I'm sorry I don't have much advice for you on the mechanics of "letting go" - I think it's a slow process, not only for you but for the children as well. I hope you don't stress too much over it! Good Luck!

First, no matter what the age of the child, if they are living at home, there need to be rules and boundaries. This is not micro-managing. It is being a parent. if the 16 year old can't get the school work done etc. there needs to be consequences..like no video games. my younger son is almost 16. he has rules. he plays sports, so he knows when he comes home, it is shower, dinner, homework, then tv or video games. he knows that bedtime is by 9 p.m. because he is up at 6 each morning and practicing sports until nearly 6 p.m. each night. It was the same for my older son, who is now a senior in college. when he was in high school, there was no issue about it.
As far as your daughter, you can't make her call people. you can encourage her to find something she truly loves to do and maybe she will meet someone who shares her interests. Sometimes it just takes some kids longer to find their niche.
just be a good mom, guide them with boundaries and limits, encourage them and you will be fine. You can't just turn them loose and leave them to their own devices. It is a balancing act, but cut yourself some slack. you will be fine.

Dear Janice:

Re: Your Daughter. What a great Mom you are! I have a boy who's just two, so I'm not where you are now. However, I was the shy, awkward, bookish daughter of an outgoing, witty, vivacious Mom. The BEST GIFT Mom gave me was letting me be who I was -- she let me set my own pace on friends, boyfriends, marriage, and children. She helped me learn etiquette and social graces, fight battles, and solve problems -- tools you need to build relationships. But, she NEVER tried to influence my relationships. She often told me about the story of the duckling and assured me that I would find my swans. She respected and appreciated the child I was and the adult I became.

My advice -- Ask and Listen. Let her tell you about her life. Through talk I believe you will best understand what she needs from you.

Congratulations on your Very Good Kids! You must be so proud! Good for you, for them, and the family that you are together!