How to Get Our 2.5 Year Old to Stop Hitting and Kicking Us

Well my son who is now 17 use to hit us when he was 3 he would hit, kick us all the time. Finally I picked him up sat him in the corner and told him he has 3 minutes time out he would immediately try to get out we would put him back in, this continued for about 30 mintes until he realized he wasnt going anywhere and wasnt watching tv. After 3 minutes we asked him if he knew hitting was wrong and is he sorry. Once he apologized we would hug him and let him out after about 1 week of this, the hitiitng stopped. Now 17 he plays basketball is straight a's and is very well behaved. You have to nip it in the bud or it will get 100 times worse, The time out thing will work you just have to be consistent.

There is the 'bear hug' approach. To do this you sit on the floor and wrap your arms and legs around him holding him as tightly as you can and keep holding him until he stops. Do not say a word until he calm down.

At the first sign of trouble pick him up and hold him facing outward with your arm going diagonally from his shoulder through the crotch area so he can't hit or kick you and put him straight in his room. Keep him there until he calms down. Hold the door shut if necessary. Don't let it be you who is locked in a room crying. If he thinks you're scared of him your going to have a long road ahead of you!

As a parenting educator, I can tell u that time outs don't always work for this age. Although, if you do decide to send him to his rm, you must be consistent. Consistency is key. I always turned my daughter and held her until she stopped.

What has been happening is very predictable for him. It's time to turn it around.

If he kicks...Pick him up immed and turn him facing out and tell him that kicking her hurts and it's not ok to kick. Hold him tightly (without talking)for a few minutes until he calms down. Then, move onto something else.Or take his fists and do the same thing. PLEASE, change your voice to a stern one when he displays these behaviors so he (also) hears the difference. Changing your voice is very important as he is only 2.5.

Do not lock your self in the bathrm. Rather, keep your cool (sometimes it's sooooo hard) & do what was mentioned above. You will need to do this several times to change what has been going on. He is 2.5 and needs your guidance.

If at other times he has a tantrum and falls to the ground to kick and scream--Walk away and ignore it. This is his social/emotional growth taking place.

Keep him on a routine the best that you can. Structure is quite important.

If he is not sleeping the required hrs each night, these behaviors will stay the same.

Also, try taking him off of all or anything artificial --flavorings, drinks, etc... This could be a contender. Our food is extremely processed.
No dyes, corn syrup/HFCS, diet anything, possibly wheat, etc...or an excess of cane sugar. Look at cereal labels, juice labels, etc...I switched my kids over to organic cereals when they were young.

The only other thing I have to say is that I have worked w/ hundreds of families. Keep an eye open to having him being evaluated, if needed. I am reading that he gets more aggressive when he goes outside. Hmmm. But, I am not there to see how the day is structured.

When he hits and you go in the bathrm, he gets all tense. From now on, be the active parent and be firm using the method above. He needs to be taught to learn self-control. And w/ "spirited" toddlers it can take many, many, many attempts.

Feel free to let me know how things are going ! Send me a message any time.

Every so often, set out a new toy and let him get curious and play w/ it for a few minutes. This way he will learn a tad of independence (as much as a 2.5 yr old can have the attention span for) to help break what has been taking place.

My 1st one was "spirited". It's been a journey !!!

Sometimes it's their temperament and sometimes they need to be evaluated.

Absolutely others are right when they say that time outs MUST be:

Silent, after you tell him: "Time out because you hit. We never hit. When the timer goes off, time out is over and you must apologize."

Boring. Not in his room! His stuff is there and putting him in his own room for a time out is just rewardiing him with all his own familiar stuff all around him. Create a time out space that is utterly empty of anything of interest even to look at.

Enforced. If he gets up? You must replace him and restart the time. Seriously. This can go on for ages. Please look at books by the TV "supernanny" Jo Frost; she has excellent time out techniques but a huge part of it is the parents being willing to stick nearby and put that child BACK into time out over and over. And over and over. Until the child realizes that getting up and walking away from time outs will never work. In some cases on her show or in her books, initially it may take an hour or more, much more, of returning a child into time out, for this to sink in.

The advice about how to pick him up is good too -- the things someone else posted about having him facing away from you and holding him so he cannot swing at you. But take care that picking him up is not done roughly -- in the heat of the moment it is easy for a parent to grab hard without meaning to, and that tells the child you're playing his game. And this has all become a game to him. He is still not getting that he really is causing you actual pain and does not have empathy with that idea yet.

Most of all, remover all attention from him, whether via time out or by leaving him instantly. "You hit mommy. I cannot be with you when you hit." Then go! Ensure he is in a safe place (cannot hurt himself) that is zero fun (no toys, no TV, nothing) and leave. Remove yourself. Do not talk to him from another room. When he screams and pounds on the door, say nothing except to repeat once, "Mommy cannot be with you if you hit. I will be with you when you stop hitting the door and mommy too." Do not cave in, hard as it sounds. He must lose the thing he values most -- your attention -- when he does this. And it's critical that your husband and you handle this exactly the same way! If you do remove attention and/or time out, your husband must do it too, but if you do it and your husband yells or thrusts your son into his room or takes him outside to "run it off" the mixed message only confuses your son.

Keep the reaction very consistent. Whether you are (as you noted) in the middle of a fun game and he unexpectedly starts kicking for no apparent reason, or if he's angry and hits, the context doesn't matter. Instantly remove yourselves and your attention with a short, strong (but not yelling) "Mommy/Daddy has to go now. I will come back when you do not hit." Or a very swiftly delivered time out, followed by, "I will be where I can hear you but I will come back only when you are ready to say sorry and not hit." Be swift and very firm but the same every time.

No shoes in the house

Double heavy sox

Immediate restrant when he attempts to pinch, hit, or kick (He goes to his room), and I mean pick him up, hold his arms and legs while carring him to his room and tell him all the way, "YOU HURT MOMMY--WE DON'T HIT, KICK OR PINCH IN THIS HOUSE".

Your child is old enough to understand when he hurts you and dad, and smart enough to "believe" that he is not going to be punished. You and dad will have to be consistent and get this behavior under control while he is still smaller then you.

Hopefully, he will soon have a run in with someone his own size who will fight back, so he understands first hand how it feels to be on the receiving end.

I could be wrong & if so disregard this. Time outs may not be working & he thinks they are fun because you are making a production out of sending him to time out & the behavior. When he does a negative behavior , do not say a word just take him to time out. Don't react or conversate with him. You have to to never let him " win " the battle .

i totally agree with Leigh. the Supernanny method of time outs is the way to go - any variation opens the door for inconsistency.

it's good that you're asking for help - with this kind of behavior, either it's a real medical issue or it's simply behavioral because it's been allowed. since he only does it with you, it's not medical. so get strong and buckle down on this. YOU are in charge. look to other adults (the ones he doesn't do this for) and see how they react to him. when he misbehaves are you making a big "OOOWWW!!!" production out of it? some parents do that and then it becomes about causing the big reaction. it may be anger related, in which case the time out is ABSOLUTELY the way to go. he has to learn this isn't tolerated. good luck and hang in there!

first this is NORMAL
Make sure that you NEVER give him positive or negative emotion when he hits you in any way. Simple tell him "no" and put him away from you. If you are out and about but both of you are there this can be just handing him off to the other parent, at home it can be putting him down and walking away, in the grocery store it can be putting him in the cart and not giving him eye contact at all. Just make sure there is NO emotion at all. Dead voice, face, etc. You may calmly, again, dead voice tell him, I do not want to be by someone who hits me. But beyond that nothing.
It sounds like he gets WAY over upset though, especially at home. I would make a place you can put him that he can't get out of so YOU can be safe. This could be a pack and play that you put a pack and play tent over, crib with crib tent, a portion of a hallway that you can block off with gates, his room with the door handle turned around so he can't get out - some way to make you safe. Again, when he does the hitting or hurting then you say no, with no emotion and put him in that spot. Then walk away. Set a timer for a while or wait till he stops tantruming, and then go back and let him out, no other mention of this. I bet he will immediately hit you again. If so you immediately put him back in there.

After a week of this the behavior should disappear.

Ear plugs.. Purchase a lot of pairs of them. Keep a pair in each room, your handbag, your car..

Hitting and kicking anyone, you get down to his face and with an angry face say "We do not Hit! We do not kick!" Very stern. Then pick him up with his arms and legs away from you and take him to a time out chair.

If you are out in public, pick him up and carry him directly to the car. Even if you have a full grocery cart or a ton of stuff ready to purchase. I promise, the store keeper and the customers will not mind.

Place him in his car seat.. Turn on the air or heat in the car if it needs it. Then stand outside of the car, till he calms down, or until you can handle the driving home.. place the ear plugs in if needed. Once he calms down, explain why you all had to leave and how you are disappointed he could not behave.

Some "Time out chairs" need to be something like a recliner or a taller chair so that his feet cannot touch the ground while sitting. This takes more effort for him than to just stand up.

The taller straight back chair can be placed in the hallway with all of the doors closed to any of the rooms. Him facing a closed door. So that he cannot kick anything.

IF he gets up, place him back and start the time over. NO matter how long this takes. Yes, for some children, may take and hour or 2, but remember, you are the adult, they cannot outlast you

Once again please understand that violence is not learned. It is a normal reaction to becoming angry/frustrated. What IS LEARNED is self-control. That is what you need to teach your child.

I absolutely cannot believe that an adult feels like she has to "hide" in the bathroom to keep from being physically attacked by her 2-1/2 year old child. That is ridiculous. At this point, your son is in charge; you and hubby are his victims. And the reason he does it to you and hubby and not others is because he knows he CAN and that he CAN GET AWAY WITH IT! He's smart enough to know that not everyone is going to allow it to happen.

You and hubby are the problem. You should have stopped this the VERY FIRST TIME IT HAPPENED! It will be difficult now because he really has no respect for you and hubby. Teach respect and you don't get hit.

You cannot let him get away with this not even one more time. And for God's sake, quit running and hiding in the bathroom. That just makes you look like you're afraid of your child. Oh, that's right, you are!

If you're this afraid now, just think how frightening it will be when he's 10! Good luck! Take some self-defense courses - you're going to need them.

Just look up past answers on how to stop this. It has been answered at least a thousand times!

First off, I have to say, responses like Cheryl B.'s really make M. upset and are just unhelpful and unkind. Of course you know this behavior is not appropriate, otherwise you would not be asking the question. Yes, he needs to learn how to calm himself and you can help him with that, but it is sometimes so hard to figure out how to achieve that and what will work for each child or what they need.

Anyhow, we have been in a similiar place with our son and I was also at a loss for how to help him stop hitting. For M., this really shook my confidence in my parenting and I needed to learn how to be more confident. What worked for us and what a therapist advised for us was the hold from behind. It was intensive the first month. I would sit on the floor with my son between my legs and cross my legs over his and hold his hands down and crossed infront of him. I would also have to somehow avoid him throwing back his head. I would say one time, I need to help you calm down because it is not ok to hurt mommy. I sat with him *trying* not to say too much, maybe an occasional "it will be ok". We would sit like this until he calmed down, which was 5 or more times a day for sometimes an hour at a time. It took a lot of energy, but it quickly tappered off to 10-15 mins, then to 2-3 minutes. After a month of consistently doing this it became an occasional thing that we still sometimes have to do when he is really upset (he is 5 now). Like you mentioned, trying to put our son in "time out" was a joke. He was just not able to sit somewhere to calm down without help.

And, do not beat yourself up over running to the bathroom and locking yourself in there until you can calm down yourself and then deal with the situation. Try not to for the sake of consistency, but, like you said, you still have to come out to a screaming angry child, but get yourself calm first so you can help him in a healthy way. Over time it will get easier and you will grow in your confidence to be able to react appropriately without first calming yourself. I KNOW how taxing this is, so if you think you need to do it, do it to keep everyone safe.

The other thing to consider as some have mentioned would be to get an evaluation. We started with an Occupational Therapist who specialized in Sensory Disorder, but that was our son's issue. Start with his Pediatrician and press the issue if he/she brushes it off.

My 3 year old does the same thing, but she also does the bloodcurling screaming. Her behavior is horrible and embarrassing. She does it when we are out in public and at home. But she is very smart, she likes to get a rise out of us. She is an only child, gets all of the attention that she could possibly want, but it is almost liike it is not enough.
She knows what she is doing is wrong. But, I have noticed that she gets worse when there is something big going on. Like we just recently moved, and she is having problems with her bottom. So right now, I am trying to be as gentle and understanding as possible.
I am taking the advice, because I have noticed that there are steps that I have done wrong, so hopefully I can get her to communicate with me.
Thank you.

If he only does it with you, then he has control. (Does he go to daycare or preschool and how do they handle problems?)
You need to improve the way you do Time Out. Take his toys etc out of his room so it can be used as a boring time out space. Put a hook lock on the door if needed. as mentioned already do time out with very little talk, "No hitting, time out" say nothing else. After time out say "Dont forget if you hit (kick/pinch) you go to time out, now let's hug and go play."
Unless something big has happened recently in his life (divorce, new baby, death) it is NOT a grab for attention, you said it happens in the middle of playing with him. Like all toddlers he is testing his limits and learning what he can and cannot do. He has learned he can kick/hit/pinch you and you cannot control him. It is very scary to a toddler to realize the adults are not able to control the situation and be in charge, so that makes his behavior worse.