How to Deflect Comments About Our Choice to Send Our Children to Catholic School

It seems to me that in most cases, when parents choose to send their children to private schools, they do so because they do not care for the public schools in the area. This is probalby why you are getting comments from other parents - they think you are 'saying' that the public schools are not good enough for your children. I think what you put in your post is enough to say - I was raised in a catholic school and we want that for our children. If you want to throw something out there like 'We're lucky to have the option to send them to great public schools as well - but this is the route we've chosen.' If you are close enough to them, I'd let them know that you are offended and hurt about all the comments that are being made - you are not saying anything negative about the public schools just because you made a choice for your children to go to private schools. In our area, the public schools are very good as are the private Catholic schools. I have a friend who's mom teaches at the public school but she and her siblings went to the Catholic schools and she is sending her son there - that is just what they all did. She also comments on how much she likes the smaller class sizes and everyone gets to try out/ play any sport where as in a public school there is much more competition. Also in a private school, you have more focused/dedicated parents who care about their education (not saying parents of public school kids do not care) BUT you will not likely have parents that are out of touch with their children's education when they are PAYING for it!!!! So less chance of bullying, fighting, problems, etc. Again, not saying this is the case with all public schools kids and parnets (for I will be one of those in a few years).

I would simply speak to the adults. Say something like "Hi Pam, can I talk to you for a minute? I heard you were expressing your displeasure with our educational choices to Suzy. Although you are entitled to your opinion I would ask that you talk to me, parent to parent, rather than my child. I woulnd't mind discussing the pros and cons of each type of school with you or telling you my reasons if you ask but I will not DEFEND my decision and I don't want my child to feel that she has to either. It's fine that our decision is different than yours but I would never force mine on your child so I do expect the same respect from you".

My family is a product of the public school system here and although the district that me and my son attended tends to have a "bad rep" they provide a great education. My daughter is attending a Catholic pre-k class next year but out of necessity (she's ready for K but too young and in the other preschool/pre-k classes she would be repeating all that she already knows). After that, she will attend the same elementary school as I did (it is top rated).

Sounds like a good opportunity to teach your daughter the value of self-confidence and how to take criticism (even the ridiculous kind) with grace and peace. No matter how you react to this situation, remember that your child is watching and learning. As a parent, you will always be criticized for one choice or another. The question is, will you let it get to you? Will you let the opinions of others weigh you down or will you evaluate your choices and stand firm and confident in spite of the negativity?

I would absolutely say something to the parents. How extremely rude! Me and my husband want to do the same with our kids education. (we want to take them to a Montassori) and have had the same questions and comments from family. You have to do what you think is best for the kids. I can't believe the adults would have the nerve to say something to your kids. That's low.

This makes me irate! Where you child attends school and why is absolutely nobody else's business!! You should definitely talk to this mother and tell her that you're fed up with this topic being brought up to your daughter. It's bad enough that they criticize it to you, but unconscionable that they bring it up to your daughter. What is with people?

You have made a choice for your family. Help your child stand up for her beliefs and her school. In Middle Scohool they should start teaching Apologetics and that will also help put words into her mouth when people are so downright rude. Right now you will have to tell her exactly what to say and how and when to ignore these kinds of comments. It may also be time to start broadening our daughter's friend circle. Maybe have some of the girls from her school come over to play.

We have a similar issue. I homeschool my two youngest.
My hubby's friend will come over and grill my daugher on stuff his daughter is doing in the public school then turn to me when she can't anwer a question and say "Just what are you teaching her?" It's really annoying.

We live in an area with outstanding public schools, but out kids are in a private school. Our kids are in pre-school & Kindergarten and will continue on there for Elementary for as long as we can afford it. We are not doing it for any other reason, other than we think it's what is best for OUR kids. Maybe our kids could get just as good of an education for free, leaving us with an extra $15k a year in our pockets each year, BUT we don't think so. The environment is different, the students are different, the expectations are different and all of that and then some, makes it a place we want our kids to be all day.

We have had people question us and I simply say, that we are HAPPY with where our kids are. I don't know that it's better than another school or that my kids will go on to college and have great paying job. What I do know, is we feel that we are giving them the best that we can and that's ALL that matters. We are getting every bit of what we are paying for and when it comes to education AND grooming our kids for LIFE, we couldn't be happier.

Be true to your choice…all that matters are your kids!

How in the world is it anyone's business where you send your kid to school? I would tell them to stop making comments to your daughter and that it is in fact none of their business. You are not being rude they are. I just don't understand why people care so much what other people do with their kids. I just assume the parents in our town that have their kids go to catholic school want them to have the religous education because our school system is rated excellent, I have never even thought ot question it. Some people just have nothing better to do than to put their nose in other people's business. Tell them to get their own life to worry about and keep their comments to themselves.

Hi,

I am sorry that people aren't respecting your choice to put your child in a catholic school! My advice is for the parents who are talking to your child about her school being less than the ones they know of, that you speak with them and say that while you appreciate their concern, it is not appropriate to be speaking to your child about it. If they have a question or a comment about your choice of schooling,they need to direct that at you. Tell them that you didn't come to your decision lightly and regardless if they agree or not, this is what you feel is best for your child. Also, I would come up with a blanket statement to say to all parents who question or say negative things. Tell them I understand you are concerned, but this is our family and our choice. Unless you would like to volunteer to pay for the schooling, you really have no opinion in this matter. Then walk away~Just remember, only explain or say what you want to say---its really no one's business. If you don't want to say anything, you can say--I am really not comfortable discussing this personal issue with you. Please respect my decision and leave my child alone about it. Best wishes to you!

Molly

Wow. it is really inappropriate for parents to say things like that to your child. I would definitely ask them to stop. You can tell them that you want your kids to have a relationship with God and you feel Catholic school is the best way to foster that relationship. I can't imagine they would try to debate with you over that point, since public school obviously cannot meet that particular need.

I don't know if I would have much of a problem with what people thought about where I sent my child to school, but I WOULD have a problem with anyone questioning my child about my decisions! If I were you, I would probably teach my daughter (child) to respond to such statements with something along the lines of "I go to school where my parents send me just like you go where your parents send you." You don't say how old your children are, but I don't think you are ever too young to politely insinuate someone mind their own business. I would probably also want to have a talk with this other mom and tell her that it makes both you and your daughter uncomfortable when dd is put on the spot like that regarding something she has no control over. Remind her that you don't question HER educational methods for her children and would appreciate the same respect from her. Maybe include how if she were to feel someone were in danger or unsafe you would, of course, welcome her concern, but on this matter you would prefer to agree to disagree, as the decision HAS been made, thank you and have a nice day :)

Some people just can't seem to help sharing their thoughts whether we want to hear them or not.

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You shouldn't feel you have to defend yourself to others regarding your choice of school for your children, but I completely understand what you're saying. My two children both attended Catholic grammar and high school, despite the fact that we, too, live in a highly regarded public school district. When we moved here, our neighbors were aghast that we opted not to send them to public school. I never worried about it because I knew that we were doing the right thing for our kids, but yes, sometimes hearing the comments was annoying to say the least. I would just say to people that we were very happy with their school and saw no need to change. All my neighbors kids went to the local public school, so there were definitely times when my kids felt like the odd men out, but fortunately they were never double-teamed by the other kids AND their parents! Yes, I do think that's out of line, and yes, I probably would have a little chat with the offending parents and ask them not to make an issue of it. They should know better, but some people just need to be reminded of their manners every once in a while!

An adult trying to get into business that is between my husband, my child, and myself is absolutely out of line and would need to be corrected. I actually had to stop midway in reading to see where you are from, because although I am absolutely not catholic, I (and uh, everyone else too) know that a private Catholic education is a very good education to get! Growing up in south Louisiana, EVERYONE knew that St Joseph's for girls and Catholic for boys were THE schools to get into. Generally, we "hated" them not just because we were jealous of their cars and clothes, but because they were pretty snobby (I remember a girl from St Joe's laughing to a friend about our soccer jerseys....I made sure to take a yellow card to remove her from the field for it)....but an attitude is what they are either taught at home or ALLOWED to do by family and choice of friends. That has nothing to do with the school itself. Even though we "hated" them, everyone knew they had the edge in education, sat / act scores, knowing the system better, all of it. I know people push hard for public schools because they want the support from the community to be able to thrive. But that is what property taxes (or whatever it is in your state) are for. Now as an adult, I guarantee you that if I lived "back home", my boys would be going to Catholic if in Baton Rouge or Jesuit in New Orleans. It is what it is.
If I were you, I would just say that your daughter mentioned that there was discussion as to which school she was going to, and that you wanted to make it very clear that you are doing what you believe to be best for your child, you have the means to do so, it is the educational background you came from, and that she need not worry about her public school because you still pay your taxes for them too. HOWEVER it would be absolutely unacceptable to plant doubt or fear, going against the parental decision for education, and that you are requesting that it not be up for discussion (adult to child, when parents aren't present) again. If she lets her daughter come to your house, she is trusting you to take care of the kids and not go against something that is important to the parents (no R rated movies until a certain age, or whatever), but when you let your daughter come to her house, you need to be able to trust that she will not sit down and challenge the decisions you (the parent) made without you there to "have her back", and you need to communicate that.
I remember my mom questioned decisions and values that some of my friends' parents made, but she talked to me privately about her beliefs and why we did things differently in our family, but she N E V E R would have sat my friends down and challenged what church, school, or other belief to the child with no parent around. That's just not kosher.

Why are people so mean?!? Why can't they just say, oh that's very nice, or good luck, I hope you enjoy it, we'll miss you from our school.
Everyone has to put their two cents in to give you their opinion. It's unbelievable. Don't mind them.
I went to a catholic school, even though I'm not catholic. My dad wanted a strict environment for us. It did pay off. I learned good manners, good grammar, and to be a little conservative in certain matters, which I'm kind of glad of. Good luck and you do what's best for you and your family.

Uh, Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones, but Words Can Never Hurt Me?

Honestly, I wonder why in the world you would care? I wonder why in the world you're SOOO defensive?

Rather than trying to control the opinions of the world around you (because, you know, you can't, they are as free to speak their minds as you are), why not adapt the Power Of Your Own Convictions and be secure within yourself?

:)

I went to Catholic schools, and my dad explained to me that they wanted us to be raised in the Catholic culture. When you attend a Catholic school, you are surrounded by Catholicism. Their are crucifixes in every room, you go to Mass as a class or as a school, prayers are said, Advent, Lent and other season are discussed. During Lent, meat is not sold in the cafeteria, on Ash Wednesday (and Good Friday, if you have school that day) the cafeteria may or may not even be open, as it is a day of fasting. The Catholic faith and values are taught throughout the day, not just in religion class.

I served as DRE at a parish that did not have a school, so the children there attended religious education classes one hour a week for 24 weeks. That's it! I had religion class every day! Huge difference!

Some people are just going to criticize you, and that's just what they do. It doesn't matter what your reasons are, they are going to try to tell you you're wrong. If you want to give it one more shot, you could tell them that your faith is very important to you and you know that this is the best way to pass that faith on to your kids.

I have the same issue, but she is rarely around other parents unless I am so they have to ask me. They talk about it to their kids because the kids have asked her questions in a negative way when I am not around. A true friend blurted out "But those parents are weatlhy and snobby. I hope you fit in and it doesn't become worse."

I know two families earn plenty to afford it, but spend their money on other things. Even though I never told them about our decision, they got all defensive, making excuses why they could not go.

I never asked them to go or promoted the school. I even said "I totally respect a parent's decision to choose their child's schooling and I would never dare try to tell a parent what to do or ask them to explain their decision."(so to discuss it with me would be disrespectful and inappropriate was implied I thought). When they kept talking, I said "Look, I didn't bring this subject up. I am not trying to talk you into anything and you don't have to explain yourself to me. We all have to do what we feel is best for our child."

I have told my child when the kids ask her about it to say "Yes, I am going to a diffrerent school. You have already asked me that several times. Why do you keep bringing it up when I answered you already?" I told her to let them know how weird it is for them to do this. It stopped the two who had repeatedly asked her about it and made comments about what their parents say.

I think they are inappropriate and rude. I also know that it is fine to ask them to stop talking about it to your child, but they will probally be put off and act all offended. Good parents don't undermine other parents.

G.D., just like everything else, our choices revolve around preference. Sometimes, it is not about "better".. it's what you like. If you have two suitors named Tim and Tom, maybe other would say that Tom is "better" in the eyes of your neighbors. But you decided to marry Tim instead because you like Tim. He is your preference. I think you get the drift. This is how your attitude should be.

Another way of looking at it, ask the mother if she is democrat or republican. Normally, they would feel passionate about politics. Then, what ever her answer is, follow it by this question - do you think I could persuade you into changing parties ? You'll get a definate answer by then. This is when you say, " That's how I feel about private and public schools - we go where we are comfortable with."

LOL.. I hope this helps. I would just ignore people like them. And this is a valuable learning stage for you daughter.. that we need to learn to ignore people like that.. There could be thousands of people pushing against you. The minute you turn around and push back, you just made that issue your own.

Perhaps you should approach the other adult and casually bring up the subject this way: "Our kids have been doing so well in school. I know I loved attending Catholic school as a kid and my kids enjoy it a lot too. It's been such a great fit for our family. Oh, that reminds me... I was wondering if it's true that you told my child that we should change her out of private school and put her into public school. I thought that was strange because you know how I feel about private school for our family, and I know you'd never say something so rude to my daughter."

I think it's very inappropriate. My husband attended Catholic school his entire life, and because we live in Chicago, our chilren will probably attend Catholic school, even though they were baptized Greek Orthodox. I would say, "It's a decision that we think is best for our family". If the comments continue, I would say something like, "I don't say bad things about public school in front of your daughter, so I would appreciate the same "

If you werent putting them in private school you would be asked why as well. I'd just give the answer you've been giving, it's no ones business how or where we school our children.

You need to use this as a teaching opportunity for your daughter. Sit her down and tell her...AGAIN...why you and her Dad chose Catholic schools for her. Tell her that it doesn't mean that the public schools are "bad" or that Catholic schools are"better" it is just that it was RIGHT for your family. You might also consider the fact that the parents and children in the neighborhood are not initiating the conversations with your daughter...possible SHE is the bringing it up. Maybe she is just really proud of her school and has said something positive about it...or possibly even said something that can be construed as being negative about the public school system...and the parents or children are responding to her!!!
You can teach her...through this situation to be strong in what she believes is right..but that it is also alright for others to have other opinions...and she can react in a way that doesn't put the other person on the defensive.
Personally,I would NOT go to the other parent and speak to them about this...because you really don't KNOW what has transpired in the other parents home. As I said before....it is entirely possible that your daughter is the one that is initiating the discussion. If you are concerned enough about the situation then the only thing for you to do is to not allow your daughter to go to the other childs home...and that would be affecting their friendship in a negative way and bringing a lot of other possible pressures to bear in the neighborhood...just as you head into summer!!

I have been exactly where you are and I know it is not fun. I am a public school teacher (community college) and boy have I had some rude questions: "Aren't you afraid your children will be molested?," "Why would you want to teach your children lies? (people are shocked that I am Catholic). "What a waste of money..." and yes, like you, the folks whose kids go to public schools seem to want to defend their schools. I am sure their schools are great, but I would have to "cheat" to try and get into them because of where I live and I am not willing to do that. I also think how a parent chooses to educate his/her child is a very private decision, one that we should not have to defend.

I have just about given up trying to understand the questions and now I mostly deflect and ask a random question to change the topic. My oldest child recently was awarded first prize at the county science fair and got to attend the state fair and I think that this has reduced the comments about which school has the better education, at least from some people I know. I also tell people that each child is different and that this is what my children need: smaller class size, a real art program, a spiritual life, an ability to shine in many ways, the opportunity to mentor younger students, and the chance to be at a school that is like a family. My kids love their school and that is enough for me.

Good luck. If all else fails just take a deep breath and consider that if they are asking these questions it reveals the concerns they have about their own choices, not yours. People are like that sometimes.

No-you actually really do need to speak with this woman-rude or not. It is unnaceptable that an adult would try to make a child feel uncomfortable about their school no matter what the circumstances are. So as hard as it may be for you to do this you are going to have to. Its not being mean.

And if it were my child I would teach her to say " You are actually wrong-sorry. Catholic school IS better. I would much much rather go to my smaller school than your big school. And at my school the teachers actually care more about me than themselves which is not true at your school. At your school the teacher's real boss is their unions. And we all know who the unions care about don't we. Yeah- themselves. The sad truth is that you students at (whatever their school) are actually the least important thing to them and to all of the other adults who run the show over there. "

say something!!!! they are just jealous but way out of line to talk to your daughter about it

Boy, that would get old after a while. I guess people immediately feel like you might be judging them for not putting their kids in a private school. I am guessing they feel that the act of you putting your kids in a private school means you think the public schools are terrible. And here they are with their kids in the public school. There's not much you can do about it really. We live in an area with awesome schools (public). They have tons of funding and excellent teachers and people always say they compare to private schools (who knows if that is true though) But even so our neighbors have both their boys traveling an hour away to Santa Fe to go to a private school. They say it is best for them. I have to admit I am curious about this school...it must be awesome! Anyway, I would try not to let other people's comments bother you. You are doing what you think is best!

Oh, how I know this all too well! We have chosen to send our daughter to a Catholic shool and have had several neighbors ask us why. Really- you want to hear the truth? I have been to both a public and Catholic school growing up and I can tell you this - the Catholic school was much better and I got more individualized attention and a better education than I did when I was in a public grade school. Should I tell them that? No - I tell them that it is a choice that we personally feel is best for our family, which is partially the truth, but I am not rude like them and go into the REAL reason why. As for the situation that your poor child is going through with this friend and her mother, I would definitely confront the mother and ask her why she and her daughter are making these comments to your child. Obviously, there is some insecurity there because why else would they go on and on about how wonderful the public school is. Are they trying to convince your daughter or themselves???