How to Deal with Hitting??

Time for a taste of his own medicine, eh?

In my home, and I have the same age and gender split, I recommend a little corporal punishment. I vote for a swift swat on the behind, a slap on the hand so he gets what he is doing is painful.

Shock and pain do wonders at this age to affirm who is boss and what you say you mean.

My daughter (5) was beating up her 3 year old brother. She has almost completely stopped.

I did four things: we had a talk about if she wanted me to hit her when she hurt him, I.e. we treat others as we wish to be treated, i stopped letting them play alone together, i stopped letting her have candy if she hurt him, and lastly, social isolation in her room for 20-30 minutes. If you can't be nice, you can't be with others. She even ate lunch alone one day.

You need to start loving him, like really loving him. By this I mean, you need to start building him up by just giving him random hugs. Compliment him when you can, and spend alone time with him every day. This will help you feel more warmth towards him, and this in turn will make him want to please you more.

You need to stop the behavior and teach him other things to do. So, instead of yelling, ask, "what happened," then discuss three other options. Ask him to list them, if he can't, offer him suggestions. But mostly, don't let them play alone. You need to prevent, teach new habits, and give him other options. This, and more alone time with mommy, is what's really needed.

So, sit down, tell him that you will no longer let him hurt his sister. Ask him how'd he would feel if others treated him that way, and then ask him for his help to help you to help him. Have him come up with other things he can do when frustrated, clap hands, stomp feet, etc. then lay out the new rules and stick to them.

I don't know why your son hurts. You need to find out what need it is serving and find replacements for it. With my daughter, she is impulsive and aggressive when frustrated. So we are working on the bigger issue of how to deal with frustration. Remember, he is only 5. Hitting is his way of meeting some need. You need to find out what this need is and then teach him more appropriate ways to meet it.

I hope this helps you. I was going nuts with my daughter some time back, but we've gotten things mostly under control by the approach I listed here.

In addition to what MamaBadger proposes, I think you should add two things:

First: Mirror his emotions. "I know sometimes little sisters can be annoying," or "I know sometimes you are mad at or don't like your little sister." THEN follow with what MamaBadger suggested.

Second. After you tell him MamaBadger's plan (or any other consequence plan you come up with), tell him that you and he will have "special mommy and son time" once a week, for whatever amount of time you determine. Maybe you can go somewhere with him, or spend an hour playing with just him, and not including your daughter, at home.

He is jealous of his sibling, and you won't fix his behavior with consequences alone. If you can spend a couple of hours of "special time" with him weekly you will save yourself a lot of aggravation the rest of the week.

p.s. I just read Julie G's response and I want to emphasize her paragraph about "really loving him." Her whole response is perfect.

Spanking him, on the other hand, is not a good solution for this problem.

You aren't giving him any real incentive to stop. And you must. He will go to school in the fall and you will get call after call about his behavior.

Start now, B.. It's boot camp time. Every single time he does it, put him in his room. In addition, take a favored toy away from him and put it "in timeout". That means he doesn't see that toy again for a good while. He may not care until he loses most of the toys in his room. You may be putting him in his room 20 times a day before he "gets" that he is just losing big-time with this behavior.

I would make him stay in for 10 minutes minimum. I know people say one minute per year for time out. But that's not long enough to get the point across.

At the point that he starts to "get" that hitting is making him lose everything, and he starts THINKING before hitting, throw him a bone. Tell him that he can earn back his toys with good behavior toward his sister. If he gets through the day without hitting, give back two toys. You get to choose what you give back.

Do not talk about this in front of your daughter. You do not want her feeling like you only take up for her.

He might end up in his room for a week, 20 times a day. That's just the way it is. He'll eventually get tired of this and start acting better.

Good luck!

Sounds like my son as far as consequences not working. He's n ot a hitter, he is a BUTTON PUSHER! Mainly mine LOL
We have also taken away nearly every toy my son has(he just turned 5) and he didnt care either. Time outs, loss of privileges etc.
One tactic that seems to be working is something I learned from love and logic. When he misbehaves, I make him do a chore or a favor for me. i tell him his behavior drains my energy, and now he owes me a favor or a chore to restore it.
His face the first time was priceless, but it seems to work! Good luck! And hang in there :)

What I would do is this: sit him down and tell him that there will be NO MORE hitting in your family - ever. If he chooses to break this rule, then there will be a consequence. With a 5 year old boy I would use some crappy chores. Write down some lousy chores (you can even have him help by asking "what are the yuckiest chores in the house?") and tell him that every time HE chooses to HIT, HE is choosing a CHORE. Every. Time. Some examples can be to wash the bathroom floors by hand, scrubbing out garbage cans, poop scooping (if you have a dog), sorting the recycling, washing windows, etc. You're not looking to have him do a good job on the chore, just get the point across that he *really* doesn't want to hit anymore! Also, I wouldn't use anything that is a regular chore for him now or will be soon.

But that's not all. You need to arm him with other options to deal with his sister. Teach him how to interact. Give him dialog to use. And always be available to help them figure it out. I'm not saying you let them tattle on each other all day (though that's better than hitting), but if they come to you, get involved. Help them compromise. Kids don't instinctively know how to share and co-operate; those are tools YOU need to provide. Do some activities that foster team work: puzzles and games - scavenger hunts are a favourite of ours :)

It's time to stop punishing and start teaching. Show him other ways of dealing with his frustration. One thing I let my girls do is scream into a pillow. It lets them have a physical release without doing anyone any harm. Not that it's the go-to thing, but as a last resort it's pretty effective.

with a 5 year old you dont deal with hitting you stop the hitting. Start making some tougher consequences for him when he does hit. Find something he really likes and take it away everytime he lays a hand on her. Put him in longer time outs. If you have something fun planned find a sitter for him while you and your daughter go out and keep your plans with her. Earlier bed times, no ice cream after dinner etc.

Let her defend herself. Tell her to hit him back. It won't take too many times before he'll stop.