How to Deal with a Teenager Who Has a Attudite

I don't have a daughter, but I do have a 13 year old son..I know I have seen my sister and friends go through this with their daughters and the most important thing to remember is that she does need you! Staying in control is hard, because sometimes you don't know whether they are coming or going with their emotions. I can appreciate that you are concerned but try and get her to talk to you where you are not upset about something and maybe you can work a system out that will help her and you. Mom's have a right to get upset. The sad part is that when you yell, they learn to yell louder, and sometimes you miss opportunities to help her out with whatever is bothering her. It might not be anything in particular but she may just need to know that she can push and you will be there for her no matter what. Just remember you were that age too. How would you feel if you were in her place. That usually brings things back into perspective with my son. Hang in there. Most of the time it's attention they don't know how to ask for that they end up needing.: )

It's her age! My daughter and I would fight over anything when she was 13, She's now 16 and it does get better. Spend sometime alone with her making her feel special. My daughter use to tell me I never had time for just her. It'll help plus its fun.

When I was a teenager, I kept this now-hilarious journal of all of the things I was not going to do when I was a mom that my stupid mom was doing to me. It is full of THE DUMBEST stuff, but much is to be learned from it.

The biggest thing I'm reminded of in the journal is how I always felt like no one ever listened to me or thought that my opinions were valid. Actually, many of them WEREN'T, but the important thing is that I THOUGHT THEY WERE. I felt like the only ting that separated me from an adult was my age, and that I was emotionally mature. HA!

I deal a lot with youth (girls ages 12-18) in our church and I also have a 12 1/2 year old daughter. I have learned that the most important thing that I missed with my own mother was the ability to talk to her about the things that mattered in my life. I've been talking to my daughter about everything for as long as I can remember to prevent this.

Remember that when you are talking to your daughter, you need to not only talk about the things that do matter, but listen and respond to the things that DON'T matter (like the latest gossip of who likes who and who is in trouble for what and what dumb things were said on the bus that day). Make sure you know who her friends are and what kinds of things she likes (music, clothes, etc.). These things are so important
to them.

Respect your daughter and her "opinions" (as nutty as they may be at times) and DEMAND respect from her (without losing your cool). She'll catch on. When I get really frustrated and wonder if I am going to survive all of the drama, sometimes I have to back off and remember that I really only have her 6 more years and I need to do my best and make the most of it.

I believe that it is never to late to work on a relationship. You are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT about being the mom. You have to create guidelines and boundaries and make her live by the rules. But in the meantime, you might have to swallow hard and bite through your tongue when you really want to let her have it. The more angry I am when I am talking to my daughter, the more deaf she becomes.

My sister is a single parent and that is a whole different ballgame (and not an easy one!). My hat goes off to you. But you have to hold to your guns. If you set a consequence for a behavior, you need to stick with it. Don't find yourself in a guilt trip over what you feel you can't do for your kids because you have to work to support them and dad does more "fun" things with them. My sister is in this trap.

Take it one step at a time. Set aside some time to start getting a closer relationship. It might be a trip to the mall or even to Sonic for some icecream! Good luck

Dear J.,

I raised 4 teenagers (at the same time) 2 were girls. My eldest daughter had the attitude you describe with your daughter. You ARE and should be in control of her life. Raising teenagers in this day and age is a nightmare. Know who her friends are, where she is at, what's going on at school, what she is doing on-line etc at all times. She may get angry with you now but all 4 of my children have come to me as adults and thanked me for how strict I was with them during this time. My philosophy when I was going through this was: "My children may hate me but as long as I raise functional adults, I have done something right". I now have a son who died serving our country and 3 others who are awesome adults finding thier own way in life. If you ever need to talk just let me know.
L.

Stop--take a deep breath and remember who the MOTHER is here.
Take control of the situation. When you yell back at her it puts you on her level. Let her know you love her and want the best for her that is why you are making the rules for her to follow. Take the time to hug her often and let her know you care--13 is a tough age--hard right now, but so worth it later.

Praying for you--hang in--K.

hey girl, i feel your pain i have 13 yr old son. same type of attitude problem. i went online and got the total transformation it is a wonderful program comes with workbook and dvd/cds. he teaches effective parenting skills.
it is kinda expensive i think i paid 160.00
dont argue with her tell her in almost a whisper what you want to get across then walk away if she continues to ask the same question or is being verbally abusive get a piece of paper and write i will not argue with you im your mother your my child i will not continue this conversation with you unless you talk to me in a normal voice. another thing is i text him now and it seems to be working very well when we do talk conversations are much easier to have. we still have confrontations but im learning not to yell cause he feeds off of that and then everyone is mad/upset.

Uggg, teenagers! What's worked for me is to swollow your pride and have calm conversation as two women trying to live together. Not after a fight or issue, but at a neutral time when you guys are getting along. Admit when she has a good point. I'm a yeller too i'm afraid especially when I get frustrated. I had to have a meeting with my young ones individualy and it was hard to hear what they had to say and understand what their perception was of me but it was also good for them to get it all out. I said a lot of "I can understand how you might feel that way, but this is the reason I asked you to do that." I've found, how ever infuriating it is, it's important to validate their feelings and teach them how to deal with them in a productive manner. If they don't understand, they need to figure out a way to express that without having an attitude. And the need to understand that sometimes you need to do what your parent tells you because they are your parent period! They need to respect the fact that you provide for them and work hard to do it. It's a fine line and hard as hell to do believe me. But I've found that validating their feelings agreeing with some things gives them a feeling of importance and a litte bit of authority and responsibility for how things go down in your house. Maybe a small change on your part at their suggestion will help them make changes as well. Unfortunately, they model us good or bad so seeing you be open to suggstion and change will influence them to do the same. Good luck!

Well its hard to quit yelling when your used to it, so what helped me is to think first on how I would address a person a t work or my boss. These kids have so much going on in the world they need to find peace at home, plus with mine I found my oldest has alot of resentment towards her dad who walked out so when I would date it can be scary for them. They have one parent who walked out already so they are subconsciously insecure about it I believe. You are the parent so you set the boundaries and just say what you got to say and move on. Make some rules and consequences for breaking the rules and don't budge. My daughter learned real quick to clean her room on a Saturday morning when she learned I would leave to the mall without her. If she wants to throw a fit fine but there are consequences for the Friday night football game that are not going to affect me one bit. Just remember when you set the boundaries stick to your guns. You can do all of this without yelling. Please know that I'm not knocking you but am a rehabilitated yeller.

I also have a 13 year old daughter. She responds constantly to her mistakes as "no reason". The previous advice is priceless and it is the key; however as a mom we must remember to keep our cool and not take it personally and get "pissed off". Getting in that frame of mind is like being a friend instead of a mother. As I review the developmental norms for that age, it is consistent to test the waters and test limitations. Knowing that, it becomes easier to look upon our daughters with compassion and need vs difiance and disobedience. Remember our daughters need our love especially if the father is not in the home. We must remain strong despite our own personal needs and realize that the "growing up" phase of a child's life is unique and short lived and as a mom we are "called" into this despite the trials of life, despite our own shortcomings. Life comes at you fast...... We are blessed to have our children. This toooo will pass!
NOW will you send this back to me, so that I will remember?
P.

I'm not a counselor but, I do have a teenager, and I did have that same thing happen to me. This is only my opinion! This is when she needs you the most! My concern is that you mentioned that you just started dating a guy... that only allows you to spend more time with him just for the sake of any arguments with YOUR MOST IMPORTANT people YOUR CHILDREN--Don't lose your focus....Take time and spend some time with your teenager on a one to one basis. I mean away from home, to the movies, to go out to eat, shopping (just you two). I hate to admit to this but, she only started yelling loud when she would hear me yell loud. I say take a big breath and chill out.. DON"T talk loud and spent time with her!!! I do
realize you do have a 3 year old.. (get a babysitter) it's more of a reason to spend time with your teenager more... she was your only one for TEN years!!!
My daughter is now 16 and we're doing Great!!!!!! ( I have a 20,19 and my 16 year old)
Also...IMPORTANT..
And if your new boyfriend is a Great guy he will understand or even should have suggested this or some other positive thing.
P.S. if he did he is a keeper!!!!

I only have a four month old, but I do remember being 13. And did you forget the world revolves around them...LOL I was rude to my mom at that time (which in years to come I have said I'm sorry many times) Plus you are just starting to date a new guy, she might not say it but this is a hard thing to deal with at that age. both my parents remarried around this time and it took me years to adjust. I was mad at my dad for bring someone into our house and learning to live with a new "parent" even though your not married, it's still hard. But sorry to tell you this it took me until I was 18 to stop acting like this. Good Luck! I am not sure if there is a "cure" for teenage years.

Show me a teenager that doesn't have an attitude! I don't really have a lot of advice, but I do have hope! My son is now 22 and I raised him mostly on my own, especially through those teen years, but I think that girls are harder! I wanted a girl SOOOO bad, but I guess God knew that I didn't have the patience for a girl and he gave me a boy. My son was a very good boy, but yes he had an attitude. I handled it by not giving him the upper hand, I put my foot down and there was no budging once I did. (i am also very stubborn besides not having any patience) So maybe I wasn't the best mom, but my son survived me and still has respect for me. now that he is an adult, I treat him like an adult. I speak to him as an adult and we get along really well. So my advice is to hold on, once she is 18 and out of the house there is a silver lining in that great big storm cloud! My mom was h*** o* my older sister, my sister would say "but all my friends can do what they want" my mom always said "I'm not your friends mom". Funny thing is that some of my sisters friends told her that at least her mom cared about her and they wished that their moms did the same. Stick to your guns honey, and don't treat her like an adult until she acts like one! Best of luck!

It is a known fact that kids who reach their teenage years lose half of their brains during that time. I have a 15 yr. old son, and believe me he has said, and done some stupid stuff. Granted he is a good kid, smart straight A kid in school, but when it comes to common sense or just using his brain it is not there. All of my friends are going through the same thing, whether it be boys or girls. We have been told that they do not become normal again until they hit 20 or so.

The dating thing may be affecting your daughter a bit more than you think. It sounds like you need to spend some one on one time getting to know each other again (your daughter that is). She may feel like she is moved to the back burner even father than she was by your hectic work schedule, now that you have a boyfriend to take up your time too.

I am not saying that you can't date, but now is the most critical time in your daughter's life. She can either choose the right way or the wrong way and it will make or break her. Keep her as close to you right now as you possibly can. Let her know you love her. Sit down next to her as she is in bed and tell her how much you love her. Don't say anything about your fights or her behavior at this time...just tell her you love her. Make it a habit to ask her about her day and then sit and listen. Let her see that she is the most important thing in your life. (Lets face it, so many times men come and go, but our children are forever!!) Good luck and God Bless you all.

Don't argue with teenagers! Set the rules, set the expectations and set the consequence (and rewards), stick to them! At this age it's their life and don't want us in their business. Just go behind her back and snoop in her stuff to keep yourself informed. Don't freak out by what you discover, just do something to fix it. Like if you snoop and find out she failed to do a project you might want to say something like, "I thought you mentioned you had a project, I don't remember seeing you work on it? If it's not too late I can help you do it and see if the teacher gives you some credit for it." ---It's the 11th commandment in my house "Thou Shall Be A Snoopy Parent" Good luck!

PS - I sent you a private message but I have one more suggestion. One of the therapist / psychiatrist that one of my foster children saw suggested a book to me. It is called GOOD BEHAVIOR MADE EASY. It coverw newborn on up to grown. You don't read the whole book, just look up the age or the behavior and it will give you suggestions on handling the issue. I have found it to be a great resouce. I got it Amazon.com used for $6. It would have been worth a lot more than that. You might check out your local library and see if they have it. HTH

I read something recently that touched me and know its true: "For words to go deep into the heart they must be whispered not yelled." If you can keep your voice at a low pitch there will be less stress. It's not always easy to do but it works. R.

First of all, I would be shocked if you weren't having problems with a 13 year old daughter! They are the most contrary creatures on earth. Second of all, you are absolutely right that you are in charge and you need to hold your ground. I suspect part of the problem is that she resents time you spend away from her, especially with a man. She is beginning to be aware of her own femininity and may feel she has the right to do all the things you do without understanding the need to grow up first. When my teenage daughter and I would have issues,and I wanted to yell and scream and throw things, I would call a time out - for me! I would go into my bedroom and announce that no one was allowed to talk to me for 15 minutes. That gave me time to depressurize and kept her from being the one who was always being punished or ostracized. I taught high school ( 15 year olds ) for 36 years and I know a lot of what you're going through is just normal and you can survive. I, too, was a single mom and that's what makes it so hard - there's no one to share the emotional burden of raising kids. Hang on, allow yourself to have your feelings and always, always, always remind your daughter that you love her.

She may be acting out because of the new man in your life. The important thing to remember is that you are the parent and it is a job as the parent to let her know that she is only 13 years old. Teenagers these days want to grow up so fast, but as parents we have to "reel them in" even if it means hurt feelings. They experience so much pressure at school, that they feel they can come home and act and say whatever they want. Perhaps the two of you need to sit down and discuss what is going on in her life as well as hers. Allow her to voice her opinion, and then you let her know that while you appreciate her opinion, you are still the one in charge, and what you say "go" period. She may get mad, but in the long run she will appreciate the strong, firm care and concern you show for her. Be encouraged!!!!!

I hear ya! I have a difficult child who is 12- she has always 'pushed my buttons'- I googled 'oppositional defiant disorder' to get firm parenting tips on dealing with difficult kids. These tips are good for any child, not just someone diagnosed with ODD.

Of course, number one is keeping your own cool, and not getting drawn into the drama! I also have a job working with adults who have autism, aspergers, and other difficult behaviors. My job has helped me to learn to be tough and firm yet loving.

It does hurt to have a child like this, but you have to distance yourself from her behavior and reinstitute yourself as her parent. My daughter responds very well to firm discipline and punishment- which I do NOT like to give out. I find that a quick: "I don't want to you eat in the living room anymore. If I see you do it again, you can't watch TV for a week"...works wonders. It's HER choice in the end, and she can't blame me if her TV privileges are revoked.

Pick ONE behavior and start there- Rome wasn't built in a day!

God Bless you!