How to Confront a Friend

I always think that facts come first, then assumptions. Don't get in the habit of defending your children first and not being interested in the facts. GEt off the attack wheel and be smart about it.

Talk to your son. The advice you've been given below is good on that subject.

Then contact one of the other families to ASK what they know. Don't be all defensive and slander this woman before you ask as if you want to know if your child did anything more unusual than the other kids. Be open. This will serve you and your child better. If you slander her, they will assume you will slander them if they don't answer the way you want them to.

Next, did this woman (whom you have slandered as being mentally unstable now) attempt to tell you about problems she witnessed that day? Did you brush it off? That would have been frustrating for her. What did she see to tell her that your son lit something on fire and vandalized her property?

Many boys have times of being mean to girls or vandelizing property. My own son had a few years of playing dangerously with fire out of my sight. I was worried to death it would continue. Thankfully, it didn't. So, before defending, find out what happened in case your boy does need more guidance.

That said, if you decide to get with her, ASK questions first with an open mind. Tell her that you've heard that she's said that your son caused problems and you are sincerely interested in what happened, what she saw, or what the kids said. Tell her you are concerned if your boy did something unusual for boys that age. So on and so forth. If she says that she's not aware of anything, tell her that _________ said that she said this and that (direct quotes, not summaries or exaggerations). Ask if she can think of any reason that they would say that if she didn't. Then, just go from there.

The key is: Don't jump someone before you get the facts and all the information you can. Take the attitude that "Where there is smoke, there may be fire" Consider why in the world she would say that if she has no basis at all. If she is mentally unstable as you say, then perhaps you shouldn't let her be in charge of your kids and you should get to know someone better. Mentally unstable? That's pretty harsh. Overly dramatic? Exaggerates? Have your other friends used those words? If not, be very careful of your description or they will wonder why you are mercilously maligning her.

Just another perspective. I hope it helps. If she is found to be malicious, then she will at least be made very uncomfortable while trying to explain something to someone who is interested in the details and the rationale of it all and then you can be guided by her answers. Sounds like you want her to stay in your circle of friends so this advice I think will serve you best.

Keep "truth" in mind when talking to any and all parties.

Your main concern should be/is what, exactly happened (since you or any other adult witnessed what happened).

Tell the other parents that you have heard some things and you are trying to find out any factual information that you may need to deal with. To discuss with your son.

No "rights" "wrongs" or "gossip" -- just truth.
Good luck!

(If initiated conversations in the past with "I would want to know this if it was my son, so I wanted to let you know about xyz" and "please, please feel free to alert me to ANYTHING Billy does that you feel is mean, rude or whatever--I want to KNOW!"

.

It sounds like you need to have a conversation with this mother, but I'd recommend approaching it from the stand point of, "Hey, this is what I heard, and I'm just trying to figure out what the truth is".

It's like a game of telephone where everything can get distorted, and if you choose to e-mail, the intentions may be taken out of context.

It's happened on this forum where someone misreads a comment, you accidentally mistype what you're trying to say, and your good intentions are blown way out of the wrong proportions.

Regardless, you both are going to defend your children, so taking an approach of trying to uncover what really happened and then dealing with it will probably make everyone the least defensive.

If she does have a history of being a little dramatic, you'll have to tread lightly, but I'd recommend staying away from any personal attacks because it will end-up causing more damage to your son in the end.

Good luck.

I got them alone or depending on the person, I got another friend with me. I would just tell her up front, that people have told you what she is saying, that you don't appreciate it, you thought she was your friend and obviously, she is not.
You can't believe that she has done this to you and your son and you are sorry, but you feel that you can't include her in your plans anymore. Let her know you no longer trust her and you are sorry, but that this is your child she has insulted.
Good luck and take care. Make this a lesson to your son on how some people can act and take things out of context.

The labeling and name-calling and gossiping about a child would be enough for me to question this "friendship." I would nicely talk to her and tell her that you are a concerned mom, and since you've heard talk (you wished you'd heard it directly from her first), and you would like to know about the specific behavior or actions she witnessed your son doing on that playdate. Keep in mind that what her daughter told her is only her version of the story, and kids do exaggerate and paint themselves in the best light. Really, what proof does she have that your son committed arson and vandalism? I would press her on this because those are serious accusations. So . . . if it wasn't anything she herself witnessed, take that with a grain of salt. It's a "he said, she said" thing between kids. If you take away that there might possibly have been anything really out of line from your son, have a little talk with him to get his version of the events. If he admits any wrongdoing, he should apologize, or have some consequences that you deem appropriate. Then I'd suggest reconsidering the "friendship" between you and the mom, and your son and these other kids by keeping busy with more positive friends. I wouldn't worry about your son's reputation. Certain people will always be gossipy. I'm sure others will take her ranting with a grain of salt too, if she has a reputation for talking like this, and the "my kid can do no wrong, look how terrible that kid is syndrome" when their is a conflict between children.

If you know this woman has a history of exaggerating and is mentally unstable other people probably know the same thing too. As for your son's reputation, let his character speak for itself. Other people who know your son, know his character and people that don't know him don't trouble yourself about them. They will either attempt to get to know him or not since they are not in your social circle anyway. I'm thinking since your son is only 10. There is still alot of living for him to do. He will still need to navigate elementary school, junior high, and high school which will all mean nothing when he goes to college and begins a new reputation for himself.

While you may want to confront her, mentally unstable people are unstable and should be left totally and utterly alone because of their unpredictability and the drama they bring to life. If any added things come to you regarding what she has been saying about your son, you could possibly threaten to take her to court about the matter but proving slander in a court of law would require you to show how what she said damaged your son's reputation. Be honest with yourself, has what she said really hurt your son's reputation or just your feelings? You did say these families were not a part of your social circle.