How to Communicate with Husbands Previous Deceased Wifes Family?

Well..it's kinda hard to voice my opinion without it coming across in a harsh way so please don't take it that way. I am not trying to bash on you in no way shape or form.

As for the stuffed animals. I know myself I hate them things, but I have a rule, for every new toy that comes in an old one must go out..you could do that with the stuffed animals.

As for the stickers, you could get them both a sticker book and when new stickers come in put them in the books with them together so you know the stickers aren't ending up on dressers and walls etc...then they also have a collection of something.

I guess I would say, just be glad that the grandparents are still involved with the kids that is a special thing and they will always remember the packages grandma and grandpa sent as they get older.

S.

I would again remind them that these things are way too young for them. They most likely think of them as they last saw them, see them in pictures, etc. When you're away from them, they kind of forget, even though they've been told.

THEN, I think I'd "suggest" that to make it easier for them, they could purchase something like a KOHL'S gift card, etc. and the kids are at the age where they might like to pick out something for themselves. MAKE SURE to send photos, thank you's etc of what they picked out so they KNOW the $$ went to the kids.

M.~
I know it's difficult and it seems like it should be so easy. They ask what the girls need, they send it. Well, that didn't work. Now, it's time for you and your husband to let it go. If they keep asking what the girls need, tell them and then hope. Other than that, what do you care if it's another pack of strickers or stuffed animal. You could always pack up the stuffed animals and send it to a police station or a children's hospital. There are worse things in the world than generous gifts. They could be completely uninvolved. Or worse yet, overly involved and wanting more out of their formerson-in-law and grandchildren.

Family can be very annoying at times, but they'll always be family. I don't see anything wrong with you "checking out" what they send, but just remember to be thankful they care about these children. With so many split families & single parent families out there with nobody to help or care, you need to be very thankful that they call & send presents.

M., you are very lucky they are so involved and care. My MIL lived literally 4 blocks away and we never saw her.
It's nice that they're asking even if they're not following through on what you tell them.Your girls are young...my daughter is 11 and she still loves stickers. And kids can never have enough stuffed animals. I go thru their rooms routinely and purge stuffed animals to donate. Since the grandparents don't interact on a day to day basis, they are just a little bit out of touch despite their best efforts. Try not to compare them to your own parents. Another thing to remember is that gifts are given from the heart...they are not necessarily going to be something that is needed OR wanted. So just try to see the positive side of it. If the girls don't like it have them send a thank you, because it was given with love, and give it to someone who can use it. And I agree with the other mom who wrote you shouldn't be opening their presents up to discuss what you need to do with them. Let go of some of your need to control....

This may sound harsh, but when people send a gift, it's a gift. It's not for the individual to fulfill your needs or wants. I know that a lot of people have gotten in the habit of making lists, etc for gift exchanges, but that really isn't a gift, it's an obligation. The proper response to ANY gift is to say thank you. And, yes, there are lots of times in their lives when they won't get the "appropriate" gift. This is an opportunity to teach them to be grateful not matter what...and to concentrate on the thoughtfulness of the giver.

In my opinion, you should accept whatever they send and just say thank you. It's not really so much about the family, it's more about being grateful. You can pass this along to your children by explaining how they must always think of them when they see stickers and stuff animals.

I haven't had any experieince in your shoes but maybe you could have your oldest daughter write them a letter telling them how she has grown up and the things she and her younger sister are interested in. Maybe if they had it in writing from her they would hear her. Good luck.

You (or your husband) could try telling them again. If it still doesn't work, you could tell them that you will purchase the gifts from them for your children and they can pay you for them. Do they have access to the internet? If so, you could also try sending them links to the specific items you've mentioned. Maybe that would work? Hope this helps!

Hi, M. --

I am a gift-giver. I really enjoy it, and I must admit, I'm pretty stinkin' good at it, if I do say so. Sometimes, I'm so good at it, I think it even aggravates people whose gifts get shunned because mine are better-received. It's not that I buy expensive stuff -- in fact, I'm pretty "frugal," but the secret to my magic is that I can generally size people up and see something that I know they will enjoy.

So, it seems that with your kids' grandparents, they probably don't know your kids well enough to understand them and what they'd enjoy, even when described.

Also, bear in mind, giving is a joy in itself, and if you feel that the grandparents honestly love the kids and are giving generously from their hearts, the best they can, then I would take a different tact than the one you probably want to take...

My husband and I were once actually asked to stop giving gifts to one of my friends because his wife felt "outdone" by us... Believe me, we werent' doing anything excessive... unless you call getting him his favorite kind of breath mints and gum excessive... but, whatever... he liked those things, and she felt he wasn't as stoked about what she was giving him. Anyway, that's an old issue, but the result was that it made me feel really unhappy to not be able to get the things for him I knew he'd like. We did scale it back to the minimum to resolve the issue, but it was a disappointing solution, we felt.

Anyway, that feeling of disappointment is what causes me to suggest that, rather than telling the grandparents that their gifts are not useful or that you've got enough of X, Y, or Z, why not just accept that this is the way they feel they are doing their best for your kids, and they are sending these things with love and affection, however misguided and not applicable to the kids' ages and stages.

Then, you can turn around and enable your kids to re-gift these gifts to kids who DO need them... there are SO many wonderful charity organizations you can contact via church, community, or school groups. You can save the things for wintertime Christmas donation drives, etc. The items could bring a considerable amount of joy to other children, and I will bet you your kids will feel wonderful about being the facilitators of that kind of joy. Let's face it - we all have TOO MUCH STUFF. I love my stuff, but I know how ridiculously much of it I have relative to people in most of the world. So, if someone gives you an opportunity to channel it and give it, then the love they put into it can be passed along to someone who's low on love.

You can let your kids know that, despite the fact that their grandparents are out-of-touch with their level of maturity, they are still sending their LOVE, which is the real point of gift-giving anyway.

Another thing we sometimes do is donate our items to the animal shelter where we volunteer. They have a quarterly open house where they sell stuff to raise money. It always feels good to know that we're able to help out by doing something so easy as giving something away that they can use as a fundraiser.

I hope this gives you some ideas.

Take care - I think this is a wonderful lesson for your kids.

H.

I'm going through this with my mother. She moved away a couple of years ago and we rarely see her. She likes to send the girls little gifts to let them know she is still thinking of them. Our house is exploding with stuffed animals! My girls love to recieve her gifts and they play with them for a week, then they just sit. Eventually our dog adopts them as playtoys. When they get too ragged I through them out. I've asked my mom not to send any more animals, but really they are cheap and what else can she find that inexpensive? I hate to see her waste her money though. If you've asked her to stop, then there is nothing more you can do. Recycle the ones that are getting older and not played with. There are lots of places that will take them. Get the children notebooks or coloring books to stick the stickers in. At our house stickers stay with me until they are stuck on paper, or else they wind up on furniture. It's just the rule.

Hi M., I am a grandmother. So I think I would be affended if I knew you and Husband was exsaming my presents. You and Husband must relize that the girls is all they have left from their daughter. Take the old stuff animals every now and then and give it to Good Will and continue to rotate. As far as the stickers, get a book and have them put them in it, this will disaplan them to put them where they belong. I think you are blowing things out of porportion. The Grand Parents are only doing it to keep in touch with them.
Continue to tell them and hopefuly they will catch on. It is very touchy situation... but keep the comunication good, fair,and loving, and keep your husband involve..so good luck

Hi M.,

My husbands mother has sent my kids stuff uummmm twice I think for xmas, never even a card for their birthday.
My mom is more in contact as far as phone calls and webcam to see them and for them to see her but gifts.... Never mailed, only when we're there for xmas.

I think that it is a nice gesture and that you guys give them a break. So what if they're too many stuffed animals, you got some great suggestions on what you can do with the extras.

You children will only make the connection of mom and grandparents wether they send a sticker or a rolex watch, its about the thought.

As a grandmother of 10, I honestly think that you should keep telling them what the children need and want, BUT just accept what they send, thank them, and donate the superfluous stuff to a charity that helps children, or you could give all the stickers to teachers in your area.
It is hard to speculate why Grandma and grandpa do this, but give them the benefit of the doubt.
The children are old enough to be grateful their grandparents keep in touch etc., and to forgive them their idiosyncracies.
I had to often remind my own children that not everyone remembers birthdays etc., but that is how life is...

Hi M.

Toni and Kelly's responses are great suggestions. I agree totally with them. I believe it is grandma and grandpa's way of showing the children that they still think about them and want them to be a part of their life. There is no way of telling them this needs to stop without some hurt feelings. They are hurting enough already with the death of their daughter. If this is the only problem you have to worry about let it go. It can be hard to keep the relationship going when their are miles between the two. Besides kids love getting things in the mail. I can remember when my grandma would send us a piece of gum in a letter. We thought that was the best! You sound like a wonderful person and have accomplished much with blending both families. So keep on receiving the gifts graciously. Thank God for all you have.

Many Blessings to you and your family,
D.

Wow...I am with Toni.

Seriously. Relax.

It is so great that they are still in touch with the kids! That is a blessing. If I were you, I would stand back and reassess your position. It may just be your frustration coming out in overload, but it almost sounds as if you wish they weren't involved at all.

I hope you can straighten this out before the kids pick up on your frustration and don't want anything to do with their G&G.

The kids need to learn (from you) how to politely accept a gift no matter what it is.

I think you should ask yourself if it is really hurting your family as much as it might hurt thier feelings to push the issue. Your daughters, while they may not always want or love the gifts are at least feeling that their grandparents are thinking of them and love them still. I would say, just grin and bear the gifts rather than strain the relationship by pointing out that they don't know their grandaughters very well. They are probably sending gifts that closer match the last time they saw the girls. Be gratful that your children have these other people to love.

My MIL is somewhat the same. She will ask what the kids need/want. She, too, will send stickers. Why, my daughter isn't even 2 & my son is 5, he doesn't like them. But, what I usually do, is thank her for everything & return (to the store)anything that doesn't fit. Thankfully, they live 2 states away & don't know. But, we usually have to tell her that the clothes don't fit & that we did return them for matching ones that do. She seems to be OK with that. It seems like the wimp way out, but it keeps from hurting her feelings.

I think it is absolutely wonderful you have taken such an important role in those girls' lives! What a blessing you are! You didn't say how long it had been since the wife passed, but it sounds like it hasn't been that many years. I'm sure the g-parents are still having a difficult time with the death of their daughter, and maybe even still difficulty accepting it. I know the stickers and stuffed animals can be overwhelming, as I have 3 kids myself, but I think this is something that can be overlooked for the time being. It may seem like an eternity of junk to you, but it's their way of holding on to the memories of their precious girl and her babies. It is really not worth the hard feelings and turmoil over a little bit of "junk." Maybe you could start a memory box for many of the animals to let the girls decide what to do with them when they are older.

ummm... it's just two gifts a year, and they're small things. just be glad they aren't annoying or take up a lot of space. i mean, they could be giving your kids motorcycles or huge toy kitchens that take up half the room or really obnoxious loud toys or whatever... of all the bad gifts i can think of those are pretty harmless.

i would say just be grateful for the fact that they are continuing the relationship and trying their best to stay connected.

perhaps you can ask for a membership to a museum, or music lessons, or have them buy a sports uniform or something like that.

I am curious as to why the children don't visit the grandparents on a regular basis? Do you regularly have them children call to speak to them? Do you send updated pictures of the children to them? Do the children send them notes, gifts etc.?
You need to communicate with them in writing as well. If the gifts are dreadfully age inappropriate after speaking to them seriously about the activities the children are involved in, etc., then I suggest as harsh as it sounds you have to back off. A gift to someone is not an obligation, it is a volunteered action. Let the children open their own gifts and call to thank their grandparents for thinking of them and loving them enough to send anything. If the children then pass them on to someone else, a needy family in the area with younger children, etc., then it is a gift from their hearts to someone who doesn't have all the privelages, and benefits your children do. Have them donate them to a shelter or whatever if they don't want the gifts, but teach them to be gracious and thankful they have people who want to send them anything.
I think you need to arrange for the children to see the grandparents at least for a week every summer. I know it is hard but they need to know these people, they are losing a lot of their heritage by not knowing them. Believe me, spending time with the children will do a wonderful job of bringing everyone up to the same page on where the children are in life. Having the children write to them at least once a month about what they are doing etc., will reinvolve everyone and the other family won't feel as left out.
I had an Great-Aunt in New York who sent me clothing and toys for my birthday and Christmas every year. She hadn't physically seen me since I was two. Instead of judging my size etc. by my cousin Kathy she judged it by my half aunt Judy. The clothing was always two sizes to big. When she finally saw me again when I was 11 she was shocked! By then it was going to be impossible for me to "grow" into the clothes she was sending from Macy's, Bloomingdale's, etc. I was never going to be as large as Judy!
We started corresponding on a monthly basis, the clothes were now a correct size and usable immediately although a little expensive and dressy for a school child. I still have a black cashmere shell style top she sent me when I was 15 I wear on occasion. I started getting jewelery when she went on trips of the native design of the areas because she knew I was interested in various cultures, etc. The time we spent together changed a lot of things (my mother was her younger sister's oldest child given up to another family to raise at birth).
P. R
P. R

How far away do they live from you all?? The main thing is that they still see these children as they did when their daughter passes away.. To them,, thats when time stopped... This may be different if they would see each other more often.... If I were you I'd try encourage talking on the phone with the Grandparents,, telling them their accomplishments,, etc,, and if they can talk then they can tell the Grandparents themselves instead of through you..You have a tough job ahead of you, kiddo.. but You'll make the right decision where all feelings involved are spared. God bless you,
A.

Hello M.,

I think a few are missing the point here that THEY are asking what the girls want! You are not calling them to tell them what they girls want sheesh. As for the stickers, I would take them out and let the girls use them appropriately when you can keep an eye on where they are going lol.
If they still want to send stuffed animals, I agree that you can send some to the good will or to the underprivledged. Your girls might like doing something nice like that.
My mother n law was forever sending the wrong size of clothes for the kids, even though I would tell her what size when SHE asked.
We finally got the jcpenney catalog and let the kids choose a few things and then we would mail or e-mail the list to my mother n law and then let her choose from the list.
SHe had exact sizes and all then. I don't really think it is something they intentionally mean to do, and I do feel for you.

Good luck!
T.

I wonder if they are simply on a budget, and can't afford specific other things for them? That was my first thought. Or else... they LOVED stickers and animals when they were kids, and that is what seems natural for them to want to give. I agree with others it is difficult to be specific. Instead of telling them what to send, maybe you could say something like, "I think we are good on stuffed animals..." as a hint on what NOT to. With sizes, I shudder to even buy clothes for my own, much less other kids. The sizes are totally different according to brand. Sometimes I've noticed though, if you know the weight of a child there aer charts to help determine what to get. So maybe you could throw out how much each of the kids weigh just in case they do look for clothing. Good luck. It's hard. Sometimes a gift card is the best answer :-)

It sounds to me as if they just don't realize the children are growing up and they want to keep them little. By doing so they are maintaining a connection that their daughter is still alive.
I agree with opening the presents and replacing them with something they would rather have. You could always donate the stickers and stuffed animals to school or the children's hospital. They would love to receive them.
Also the distance makes one forget just how old they are. My husbands family (military) have always lived away from us. Even though our children were close in age I tended to forget what children of their ages would want. So I stopped sending presents. I just send cards and they understood. They also lead a sheltered life to the point they had different interests than my children which made it even harder to buy the right presents. While both of our families are religious they are fanatical about it and when the children grew up they all had problems adjusting to the world at large.

Just an idea since I don't really know any of you. The next time they ask, if possible, have your husband talk to them and tell them that they have way to many toys and stickers. Ask them if they could just send money so you can take them shopping for clothes or something that they really need at the time. Went through the same thing with my inlaws wanting to get nothing but toys, candy, stickers, etc. (You get the picture). We eventually got them to give us money so we could get clothes or other stuff needed. My parents, for the most part, got one toy and gave money. That was great.

Do you think they might listen to the children more than they do you? When they call and ask what a particular child wants/needs, tell them to hold on a sec and they can ask the child. They may be more receptive. Also, maybe it will open their eyes to the maturity of the children. I hope this helps. Sounds like perhaps they just need a closer relationship and then they would understand that these kids are advanced beyond the items they send. I haven't had any experience with this but I thought this suggestion would be worth sharing. Good luck to you, Shannon G.
PS. If need be, donate the new toys that the kids don't want, to charity, like toys for tots or a local church. Even the head start program might take them.

Lighten up! These are GIFTS, not requirements. Nobody is sending peanuts to an allergic child.

Stop opening the presents, too. The kids and grandparents will all hate you for interfering. Lose-Lose-Lose situation.

Have your husband open a conversation with the grandparents, if they do not listen to you.

Stuffed animals represent "hugs" which the garndparents cannot give in person, so the stuffed animal becomes the intermediary.

Stickers are fun to shop for, I look for "name" stuff for my kids (30 & 25) (not that I buy all I find, or even give it to them. OH, MOM!)& great niece and nephew, and grandson due this summer and OTHER grandchild due this summer (as soon as baby is born & I have a name to use!)

Meanwhile relax and be glad the grandparents are trying to maintain contact. Be careful or they will resent YOU for interfering in that relationship.

Good luck!

Perhaps broach the situation as a family need that you cannot provide yourselves. Make it seem like they would be doing you a reat favor if they could buy specific items because otherwise the kids will not get it. Plus, if they get them items they NEED, then you can save up for the bigger ticket items that are necessary.

You could also send them snipets of mailings or internet printouts of things they need and where to find them.

You could also ask they send gift cards so you can find things they need for them since you cannot afford them.

I would keep doing what you are doing. My maternal grandmother did the same thing. She always saw us as little kids. If they happen to use the internet or email, you could send them links to the actual gifts that the kids want so they know exactly what to send but ONLY if they are asking for ideas. I would make sure the kids send Thank You's and if they don't want the gifts, give them to charity. This is a good learning for your children that being gracious even if they don't like something is worth a lot and builds character. It really is the thought that counts.

This is my opinion---you have no right to open presents that are meant for your children, and you have no right to tell the grandparents what to buy or not to buy. They have suffered a great loss and are trying to stay connected to the only thing they have left, their grandchildren.
Let the children tell gramdma and grandpa in a letter what they want, and let them communicate with them instead of you saying what they need. The nine year is old enough to communicate with her grandparents, with some help and so is the four year old to some degree, and in my opinion they have the right to do so without interference.

My family from out of State (great Aunt) tends to send clothes that are too small etc for my babies, I would just accept them and have the girls send updated photos of themselves once in awhile with a thank you card. Otherwise, you could hurt feelings if you were specific in telling them what not to send it is a bit sticky that the children's mother is no longer alive.There really is no delicate way to tell them that the stuffed animals are too much-glad to hear all is well with your new family unit that is fabulous.

um......the deceased g-parents are sending gifts? Girl, be appreciative that they even still care! G-parents don't often hav the courtesy to send ANYTHING in situations where there hasn't even been a death or divorce!!

When the gifts come, give them to your children to open.... if it's stickers, then take them away then and set limits (you can only use stickers while you are sitting with me at the table) or whatever.

Don't go through the stuff.....wow......I understand your reasoning, but really now....don't tell them to stop, don't tell them they aren't getting the "right" gifts....give the gifts and then use it to teach a lesson about being appreciative!

I understand your issue, I have a very generous family who showers gifts on my children, despite the requests and comments about them already having too much. However, your children's biological grandparents are simply trying to show their love in the way they know. There is much to be said for children (and adults as well) to learn to be thankful for what they are given and to see the love behind every gift, whether it is the perfect item or not. The children can always donate un-needed items to a charity or a children's hospital. It isn't really about accepting the gift, but accepting the love behind it. I hope you can find a way to accept both graciously....your children are fortunate that their grandparents care. (I also have to say that personally I think it is awful and wrong for you to open the gifts before the children do.)