How to Address Issues with Son's Neighborhood Friend

i agree that is just horrible to leave a 4 y.o ( almost a baby)with a neighbor..i feel sorry for the litle girl.she is too young to understand a lot of things and to be out there.
i just dont understand what is the BIG deal about feeding the neighbor kid , ( how much they eat? and how much cost a meal?) gosh

Hello i just had to respond to this. What that mother did is considered child abandonment. I think you should confront that mother. Now that you have had time to calm down go and speak to her. She has to know that this is unacceptable. You are not a free babysitter and she should know this. If you dont nip this in the bud now she will continue to think it is ok with you and do it more often. :)

This would have totally made me mad as well. That is just iresponsible parenting on the neighbors behalf. I would confront her and maybe just say " You know we do not mind having so and so come over to play, but I would appreciate if you would call before you let her come over,so we can discuss when she will be going home and if you will be going anywhere as well." Then you charge her $$$$.... just kidding.

A. - wow. Just - wow.

I didn't get the feeling from your post that you're actually friends with this mom, which may make it a little easier to talk to her. You DO need to talk to her, but yes, I agree, it's touchy. It depends on your personality, really, on what's the best way to handle.

If it were me, after I freaked out and then got over my anger, and realized I had to be nice - this isn't TV where you can reconcile easily after confrontations...I would package up my kids, walk next door unannounced, go in for a friendly visit - and tell her "I really like this arrangement - being able to drop our kids off with each other, like how you did the other day. It makes me feel good to know I've got some help nearby when I need a break." (no, it doesn't matter if you'd ever drop your kids off...not the point) "But when you drop Suzy off, can you make sure to touch base with me? If you're going to be actually leaving your house, I'll need to get your carseat from you in case I need to go somewhere. And oh - I don't know if you have my cell number - and I need yours - that way we can keep in contact if we need to."

Maybe something like that would do it. By saying it like that, you're taking away any hostility and can play it from the angle that this is what you thought the deal was - she'll let you know if you're wrong! Who knows what she was thinking when she did that. For all you know, her daughter told her that you invited her to stay all day. My son tells me fantastic lies like that all the time!

So give the mom the benefit of the doubt, have a conversation with her similar to what I laid out above, and then just see where it goes. You'll know REAL quick her true character once you hear how she responds to you, and then you make other decisions from there.

She could be a total slacker mom, which in that case you need to create very strict boundaries and not be so concerned about being friends, or she could be a really lonely, shy mom who just doesn't know how to make connections - either way, you owe it to yourself and the kids' friendship to approach it open-minded and go from there. Good luck!

I would be mad too, but I wouldn't confront the parent unless it happens again after you have talked about how important it is to communicate. I agree with Cindy S - the next time the child comes over to play, tell her you 'have to ask her mom first because communication is very important.' Then walk her back to her house, ring the bell and ask her mom if it's ok for her to play. She will surely say yes, and then you have your turn to say, 'ok then, it's ok with me too, but I need to run errands so Suzy will have to come back home at noon.' Don't ask her if that's ok, just state as a fact. Then ask to exchange all phone numbers so you two can have open lines of communication, and that's that.

I don't agree with Shannon B, that scenario is far too sarcastic no matter how friendly you say it or what tone you say it in, and I think most people would see right through it. (She said to go over for an unannouced visit with your kids and say 'I like this arrangement that we can drop our kids off with each other when we need a break.') And even though Shannon did say it wasn't the point, I'm sorry, but I would never leave my kids with a mom that dissappears when her daughter is over at a neighbor's house, so why even suggest it?

Good luck!

You're very right to be concerned. We had the same situation several years ago. There were days when I fed the neighbor's son 3 meals a day. I never did confront the mother and in the end, it was the right thing to do. We later learned the father was an alcoholic and they had lots of family issues. So, be thankful that you have a safe home to which this child can come. It is very sad for the child, but you likely won't help the child by confronting the mother.

I think you must say something to her mother. In fact, I think this warrants calling CPS especially if it continues. The girl is only 4 years old. I would find it strange that she came and rang your doorbell without her mother walking her over there or giving you a heads up by calling you. My younger son is 4 and my older son is 6 they cannot play on the front yard without an adult and we somewhat in the country. You really have to wonder about how well she is being supervised. I think it would be safe to say that you should not allow your son to play at her house without you being there. You think of the safety of this little girl and don't worry about offending her mother who wasn't properly caring for her.

Like Cindy S mentioned, I'm shocked that a 4 year old is going over to someone else's house by themselves!! We won't let my 8 year old daughter go NEXT DOOR without either me or her dad escorting her and checking with the parents to make sure it's ok. Then, if we have to leave before she comes home, we go over there and get her. Occasionally, they'll say it's ok to leave her there because the kids are playing or watching a movie or something, but we would NEVER just leave and assume it was ok with the neighbors.

If it were me, the next time the child comes over, I would go over to the neighbor's house and say something like "Hi. Hey, I just wanted to talk to you real quick before the kids start playing and I forget to mention it. The other day when XXXX came over, I was going to run an errand and when I tried to bring her home, there was no one here. I had to cancel my errand and take care of it later after XXXX went home. Now I don't mind XXXX coming over for a few hours to play, but please, if there's not going to be anyone here at some point while she's playing at our house, can you give me a quick call or come over to let me know? That way if I have to go somewhere or have other plans, she can go with you if you have to leave, or at the very least, I can get a car seat from you for her so she can go with us too? Here are my phone numbers. Would you mind writing yours down so I can have them as well? I would hate for there to be some emergency with no way to get a hold of you." or something along those lines.

I understand several of the moms feel that confronting the mom won't help matters, particularly if there is something "bad" going on in that household, but there are legitamate safety reasons why the mother shouldn't be letting a 4 year old go outside without supervision, and even moreso, safety reasons why they shouldn't be leaving their house without letting the person their child is with know, not to mention it's just the polite thing to do.

I think you can talk to the mother without making it a confrontation if you use the right wording and maybe throw in a little white lie like you were going to run an errand or something like that. You could even just tell the truth and say you were about to eat lunch so you told her child to go home and found out there was no one there that way. I think that's perfectly understandable. I guess some people can be sensitive and she could take your talking to her the wrong way and get upset, but I tend to believe most people are reasonable and that as long as we're communicating, things will work out ok. Good luck to you. I hope it all works out.

I think the first reply (Mary?) had a very valid point. I took care of a little boy that was in a bad situation. It wasn't obvious at first, but then you started seeing more and more and thought "WOW, she didn't think of food?" Stuff like that. I wouldn't judge the mom too harshly though because some people just weren't raised the same way. It may be obvious to some that if your child says "I'm going to Jonny's house" that the mom would call and check to make sure it's ok, etc. (Does she even have your number?) Other moms may just take for granted that it's ok with you and you'll call when it's time for her to come home. I'd just mention to the mom that you'd like to switch phone numbers, that you don't have little guests when your husband is just coming home from work, and that you were concerned when noone was home the other day. Tell her that if something comes up and she needs to leave, she needs to come by and drop off a carseat in case of an emergency, or she needs to come by and pick up her daughter. I babysat a boy who's parents didn't want me leaving the house with (nervous about accidents or whatever) and I said that was fine, but I still needed his carseat everytime, just in case. That way you're addressing the situation and that you weren't overjoyed with her leaving, you have a gameplan/rules for the next time she comes over, and you may find out that the mom just needs to be educated on what's expected (don't take a child's word that it's ok to come over all day), or worst case scenario you find out she is a mom who needs to be watched, for the child's sake. I can understand frustration and all the feelings that come with it, but it needs to be handled calmly.

Next time this little girl shows up, immediately call the mom to let her know the child is at your house and tell the mom that the girl can only stay an hour (set your limit) that day. Each time she shows up uninvited call the mom and make arrangements. If you can have her stay longer for lunch/snack ask if there are any allergies or food she has problems with. Maybe next time the girl can bring her own or a snack to share with your son. It's sad the mom dumps her on neighbors. Also, like others said, ask for the carseat if she's going out or at least a call so you know she's gone. What a dangerous situation you were put in. I think an immediate phone call when she shows up will help open the lines of conversation. I never let a kid in my house unless their parents know that I have them.

Am I missing something here? I can't imagine letting my almost 5 year old out in the neighborhood to ring doorbells, or am I old fashioned? What I would do is this. When I answered the door and the child asked to come in to play, I would tell the child that we had to ask her mother and physically walk over to her house and do just that. At the same time, I would offer my phone number if the answer is yes and ask for their phone number too. I might mention that I had some errands to run at a given time and would escort the child back home at that time. I don't think parents can be too careful these days and beyond that, I want to be in control of my life as well! What kind of mom does not know what her four year old is doing from 9AM to 5PM???
Sieze control!
C. S.

She is using you. I am sorry but at all times when children are in your care you need to be in contact with the parents and know where they are and how long they expect to leave them. Day Care is expensive but I would never go without telling a parent where I was going and how long I would be. Also having a emergency number and we always signed for our neighbors a release for our children to be treated if they could not get ahold of us. I realize she was just over playing but it is a big responsiblity. Those who seem the nicest could sue you in a heart beat for not knowing where to take them in emergency and how to get in touch with them. I had a little girl when I was in high school I was watching. We walked down a dirt road to see my sister's horse and on the way back she picked up glass and tossed it. It tore her finger with a gouge.I had to take her to emergency room and they would not even look at it until mom came.( you know they all need money)

So it is not right for her to do this to you but if you can be blunt I would then replay over and over how you can say it nice. You are right but say it in away that makes you look good that you are concerned for the well being of her child and not so much that you are put upon but would really liked to know how long you will have her and where she is. G. W

Oh my gosh....who lets a 4 year old wander to a neighbors house by themselves??? Your neighbor is way off track. Confront her? I think I'd call CPS about this. You have to confront her or she is going to keep taking advantage of you.
G -

Well, watch out I see a moocher in the works. It seems like this mom is irresponsible. I would say something if she does it again. like Timmy has a schedule and needs to take a nap or we have errands to run something like that but don't let her get away with leaving her kid over there all the time. but the real sad thing is that poor kid has a mom that would leave her with practial strangers for the day with out caring enough to check on her... or feed her. I would do whats best for the kid and make sure she is taking care of her properly. with a ll the weirdos out there assulting kids these days, i can't believe parents still leave their children unattended with other people and not bother to check on them, you were right to be upset. Good Luck, AJ

That's horrible! I would absolutely confront her about it. You don't just send your child to someone's house without asking in the first place! I would just ask her to please call you when she is sending her daughter over to give you an idea of how long you should expect her to stay (so you'll know if she needs to be fed, etc..). If she still doesn't call, I would call her the minute the little girl gets there to clarify (and make sure she knows that you are not her babysitter). How rude!

Also, after reading through some of the other responses (which were great by the way), I would strongly recommend that you speak with the mother BEFORE you take drastic measures such as calling CPS or the Police. You have no idea what could be going on and I would give the mother an opportunity to work through it before getting the authorities involved! If the mother still continues to neglect her child (which is absolutely what she is doing), then you should definitely go ahead and call the authorities for the safety and well being of the child. Give her the benefit of the doubt though - that could be disastrous for her family...

Wow - As I was reading your story, I first thought to myself, "Why is a 4 year old knocking on your door by herself, asking to play??" I have a 4 year old and I would NEVER let her walk to someone's house by herself, much less ask to play without me being right there. I can't even imagine at what age I will be comfortable with that... Anyway - This woman needed to make arrangements with you, no question. And really, who knows if she was there at the time the little girl came to your house. Maybe she just needed a place to stay because she was alone. Complete speculation, I know... I would go to the mother and be very matter of fact. You don't have to get angry, but you shouldn't just let it go. "My son loves to playing with your daughter, and she is welcome at our house. However, I would like to make arrangements with you when she is going to come over so that I plan for enough food, etc." You need to politely make her understand that this type of behavior is not acceptable because here's the thing... if you do it now, she will expect that she can do it later. You really should talk to her not only for your sanity, but for the little girl's safety as well. Hopefully this was just a misunderstanding. Communicating about it will be the only way to find out. Good luck.

A.,
No, you are not being silly AT ALL!!! That is soo incredibly rude. She probably figured since she was already there then you wouldn't mind taking care of her while she went off and did her thing. You are right in being worried that anything could have happened and you would have been the one to have to handle it. You most definately need to speak, not "confront", to this mother and tell her she CANNOT just up and leave when her child is at your house. It's one thing to call and tell you she needs to run to the store or whatever and do you mind watching so and so for a little bit since she is already there but it's something else entirely to just leave. I cannot imagine doing that to someone. If it was me, I would be furious!! Hope you can make her understand the importance of this without the kids ending up being punished in the process. Good luck!
M.

No, you are not being silly. You are being taken adavantage of. I would speak to the mother. Make sure you are nice, but direct. Let her know that you love having her little girl over, but you can't keep her at your house all day long. Maybe you guys can set up play dates. Let her know what time you expect her to pick the little girl up. I really don't think there is any way of not being "blunt" with her. I would let her know that if she is going to leave her house while her daughter is with you, she needs to let you know. But, you just can't be around the bush about it. Good luck!

Sadly, this happens in every neighborhood. You and your friends are the responsible parents.... and then there's this one that is not. Feel sad for the child. And be glad you're there to give them a normal environment (and food).

Remember the "It takes a village" motto? Well, this is one of those situations.

Set your boundries and as others suggested and try talking to the mom, but I can tell you it'll be a bust right now. You should still try, to help her be more aware, if nothing else, that her behavior or lack of is noticed. But don't go too far, you don't want to cause problems for the child that already has a problem mom.

Wow! You and I have the same problem...for the most part. First, you have every right to be furious, I would be too. Ask the little girl's mom to give a call before coming over. That way she will not be ringing the doorbell all the time (I am assuming that she probably wakes up the baby when the doorbell rings) Whenever you talk to the mom on the phone just let her know that he little girl can only be there for 2 hours for example. And to make sure that she does not leave just inform her if her daughter gets hungry that you will send her over. I would not tell her upfront about the problem...just beat around the bush, ya know what I mean? I have confronted in the past and every time the take it very personally and blow things out of proportion. (honestly, the right thing to do is to confront, but it seems to never make the problem better, just worse)

My problem is similar, I have a 3 1/2 yr old boy and a 13 month old little girl and our neighbor's daughter is 5 and comes over at any time. She also expects to be fed as well. I simply tell her that she can go eat dinner at her house because we did not make enough food. This little girl has actually waited on our front porch until we were done on a couple occasions. This little girl stays until I also "push" her out as well. My son and her have a lot of fun together and I also do not want to ruffle any feathers. I am about to try the calling before you come thing. I will let you know how that goes.

I feel your pain!

I am on your side. It was irresponsible of this mom to expect you to take care of her child without notice or permission. I would approach her with Oh my gosh! What happened! I was worried about you when we could not find you...

After the explanation then you can go into what you expect, like gosh I wish you would have called me so I would not have worried. I had this to do and had to cancel because of your daughter...

Hope this helps.

I by the way, don't listen to your husband on not confronting, you will always regret not standing up for something or asking a question or getting answers because he did not want to deal with any confrontation. After 20 years of marriage to my wonderful husband, I learned that not doing something because it made his uncomfortable was not always the best way to handle things. I use my husbands milder manner to help me with my tone or delay my delivery, but never to not do it. We have been taken advantage of on several occasions because I did not confront something. A confrontation is not always a bad thing. It could just be asking questions. Ok that's my soap box. Hope everything is better with the neighbor.

omg i have had this problem plenty of times with my son's friends. unfortunately when i nicely spoke to the mothers they all got offended. they either stopped talking to me and kept their child away from my son or flat out gave me a dirty look every time i saw them!!!! i agree with the other mothers. talk to her about it but be very nice and careful with your words. maybe she will see your point of view and change. you should address this now before it gets out of hand.

First, I can say that my daughter (7) has gone to knock on a neighbors door to see if the kids can play. I want her to have some independence, yet I do stand back where I can see if the parent opens the door and what the outcome is...also the parent can see me. Their kids do this as well. There have been times when the kids are playing and one parent (them or us) have to leave to run an errand. We simply communicate it with the other parent - can you keep an eye on them for a bit or do you want to meet up again when we get back? That's pretty much what we exchange. NEVER would I walk out of my home, get into my car and LEAVE my child with someone without first talking to that person.

It sounds like your neighbor thinks you are a daycare provider and if you don't say something it will continue. My two suggestions - (1)talk to the parent, communicate politely and as a caring parent and if that does not work (2) let her know you are obligated to call CPS if this happens again...or if you want the extra money... let her know what your rate is for caring for the kid all day - $50 or so...and tell her she can send the money over with the kid in the am.

Quite frankly it has always bothered me when people have kids and are obviously not well equipt to be parents. Someone needs to tell this woman what child neglect is....

C.

I read your question and all the answers you've received - some great responses and such a well-balanced perspective (one of the nice things about Mamasource!).

To add my two cents, my first suspicion is that this mom is very depressed and overwhelmed with life (for whatever reason). Taking care of a child all day can be too much responsibility for some people, sometimes just temporarily. Next thought is an agreement with Mary B - something obviously is going on, and perhaps the mom or someone else in the family is impaired and she just doesn't know how to cope.

On the other hand, after reading all the posts, it's amazing how common this is! It is not safe nor developmentally appropriate for young children to be so independent - they can't assess whether or not a situation or person is safe! And I have to say we have had two different little boys who have been allowed to run around unsupervised for long stretches of time, one since the age of three! That is SO unsafe and inappropriate. No neighborhood and no neighbor is so safe that you can trust them with your children without checking it out thoroughly. It also makes the child feel uncared for to be allowed so much "freedom", regardless of mom or child would say.

I think I would make sure to meet the mom and discuss this concern before doing anything else, and certainly before allowing the child back in your home. If no one answers when you walk the child back to her house, call the police - don't waste time with CPS (they are so overloaded with other cases). You can't take a chance with a child's life or situation, and the mom is unbelievably careless or unable to properly care for her child. What if that poor girl knocks on the door of a child predator? Or what if she goes home from your house and tells a lie about your treatment of her, and then the police come to YOUR house?

You are in a difficult position. There is no magic solution, but the most important thing is that the child gets the proper care and a safe environment. Good luck, and God bless you for being a safe haven for this little girl.

I cant believe how common this problem is. I am going through the exact thing with my neighbors daughter. I am really glad you posted this, because I never even thought that something bad might be going on in her house. Every time she comes over she asks for something to eat and drink, but it never occured to me that maybe she isnt getting it at home. Thank you for posting this request.

You are not being silly at all. That mom is being totally inconsiderate. It is just plain wrong for her to leave and not even let her child know or you for that matter. It is n my opinion close to being a matter for CPS. I would flat out let her know that that behavior is completely unacceptable. You can let her know you don't mind her daughter coming over at arranged times, and possibly she should just get in the habit of calling first. I understand your need to want to be polite, I know you don't want to ruin a friendship for your son, but there needs to be some ground rules.

You have your hands full with your two little ones. It's very kind of you to care for this little girl, who is obviously being neglected. She gravitates towards you because you are safe. It would be interesting to call her mom next time the little girl stops by to invite her daughter to go with you for ice cream or something to see if she even knows where her little girl is. Then you could tell her that she's already there.

Try telling the mother that her daughter was scared when no one answered her door bell....maybe that would wake up the mother. Or you yourself were concerned that the mother didn't let you know she was going somewhere. Another thought ~ when the girl shows up, ask her to call her house and tell her mother that you need to leave at "x" time to run an errand and that the girl will need to return to her home at that time. We had a "leach" like friend and we began not answering the doorbell when it would ring...I think they eventually got the message because it is no longer and issue....good luck,

T.

WOW! I'm shocked!!! I would NEVER in let my 3 or 5 year old just go next door and ring the bell....I'd have to walk with them. Anyway.... I don't know if I would say anything this time but next time she came over I would talk to the mom right then (even if I had to walk the daughter back home to talk to mom) and say, Hey, I'd love to have her over to play for a COUPLE of hours, what time what time will you be coming to get her? Or I'll bring her home at Noon (or whatever time) and if she didn't come get her or wasn't there when you walked her back home then I'd definitely raise a stink about it!

I think you have the right to be upset with the mother. Maybe if you get her cell phone number--that way you have a way to contact her if this happens again. I would probably mention something to her about it in a nice way, just so she knows you aren't going to continue to watch her daughter all day--coming over to play a while is fine though.

It was nice of you to let the little girl stay though, it sounds like you are something stable and safe for her--maybe that is why she likes being with you all so much :)

Tough situation, great points made by everyone. I think Shannon B did the best job of presenting you with a totally viable plan. I would follow her advice to the letter- unconditional positive regard can go a long way for you. If this mother is a slacker, she'll worry you mean it about dropping off your children sometime and she'll probably ease up on using you as her personal babysitting service. If there's trouble in the home, the behavior will likely continue and she just won't answer the door next time you arrive with your kids in tow. My one thought on this: If you go over to her home and act like this is an arrangement between the two of you and that you're fine with it, let's exchange phone numbers, etc, there's a chance you'll get less movement from the police if you DO decide to call. The mother, rightly, will say you told her you were glad about the arrangement. Be careful but watch that situation closely. I think I'd invite the mother over for coffee some time soon. After a sit down you should know which course of action to take. Poor little kid. I know it's a pain for you, but you may be more of a blessing to this child than you realize. Pray on it.

A

WHAT??!!?? I have dealt with this very same issue and I was very upset! I am constantly amazed at the LACK of parenting going on out there. How could a mother leave her child and not check in all day not knowing if you had plans!!! You are not being silly. I agree with the other post...when she comes over call the mom and tell her you will be sending her home at X time. I think at that age 2 hours max is plenty of time for a playdate. I know my husband doesn't always want to come home to a crazy house full of neighbor kids. That is time for your family to connect at the end of the day. I wouldn't confront her, but I WOULD have a plan for the next time she comes. Good LucK!

OH my God. This MUST be addressed. Most of the suggestions you received are great. However if it does happen again and the parent doesn't answer the phone or door. If you have already addressed it and she still "disappears," I believe you have a moral obligation to call the police. From the sound of it, this would be an unpopular choice of action but I feel it necessary. Yes, there may be something going on at home and you could provide a safe haven for the child during the day. However, would you be able to forgive yourself if it turned out the child was being left alone at night and something happened? What if there was a fire? What if the parents are high? God only knows what's going on, and irresponsible parenting needs to be addressed by the authorities. If the child is telling the truth and there are no other circumstances that you are unaware of, this is child neglect!

Keep in mind, I did say to talk to the mom first. I am only suggesting drastic action if it happens again once you have already discussed it with the other mom.

A. I can relate cause I'm going thru that right now with our next door neighbor child. She will come over and stay all day and like you her mom also left and didn't mention anyhting to me. My husband is like ok no problem were home so it's ok in his eyes...But the point is that the mom should talk to you and set time frames for the child to be over and that it's ok. But all day??? I don't mind but when I'm sick and having another child to watch it becomes a hassle. The little would watch out for us for when we would come home some days and no sooner than I put my purse down the doorbell would ring...I hate to be mean to the child but I would like some time with my kids before the mad rush of dinner time, homework ,etc...Just talk to the mom and see what happens maybe there is something going on in the house and she could be embarassed but at the same their needs to be some boundaries drawn the kids. Good luck

I would say something. As nicely as possible of course.