My husband and I are at odds over the "how long is the leash" for my 12yo daughter. She's wanting to walk to our local video store, (about a ten minute walk) with her friends. I said no. My husband thinks I'm crazy and inflicting cruel and unusual punishment. She had to come home while the others walked to the store and called her with movie suggestions.
We live in a very safe neighborhood, I just didn't feel like she needs to add this walking thing to her agenda. Last year, she got permission to ride around the neighborhood on her bike, with friends so really, I guess this seems like a natural progression. But I don't like it.
My suspicion is that my husband is reacting to this because it's a case of her having different rules than the rest of the kids. Why can't she if the rest of the kids can. I can see that side of things. That said, I don't really like all the freedoms that these other kids have anyway. e.g. they can hang out at the mall. I say no. they're 12, there are lots of things to do that don't involve hanging out at a mall. How is that acceptable entertainment for that age bracket? Anyway, that's a whole other post.
What do you think? I don't consider myself to be a Mommy Dearest but in laying down the law about no walking to the store, I've cast myself in the starring role.
Any tips/constructive criticism/life experiences?
Thanks.
Oh, I guess I'll add that she's a great kid, never given us any worries. I trust her, she babysits (as a mother's helper at this point), she stays home alone...never been the least problem... This isn't so much about trusting her as it is of trusting the 'group mentality'...
Personally, I would let her walk to the store but not go to the mall alone. I think it's important to let her stretch the rubber band (or the leash) a bit at this age and a 10-minute walk to the store is a perfect opportunity. If you don't allow her any freedoms she will eventually take them herself. Good luck, it sounds like she's a great kid!
Just wanted to share a bit. While I was growing up we used to move every 1 1/2 to 2 years. All to countries overseas - most of them 'third world'. Let me see, when I was 12 we lived in San Jose, Costa rica. Had my mother not allowed me to venture out with my friends and our dog, I am pretty sure that eventually I would have done two things. First - I would have doubted both in myself and my mother. Afterall, didn't she raise me to make good decisions but now was not willing to trust me to do it on my own. Second - I probably would have started being 'sneaky'. By showing me that she trusted me, she not only gave me some bravery but also opened up a line of communication between us. I could always tell her what I had done, where I had gone. We could talk about the things that I saw and how to deal with certain situations. She always knew where I was because I always checked with her first - this stayed true when I was in high school because those early years opened up both the trust and the communication! If you keep the leash too short sometimes it gets chewed through!
Good luck!
I was just talking about this with our friends this weekend. We range in age from late 20s to early 40s and were talking about how things are different now from when we were kids. Our little ones are toddlers (or one is due in August) so we were talking about what will things be like in 10 years from now. Most of us grew up in small towns. I know by 12 we were all out and about with our friends, riding our bikes all over town, some of us baby-sitting, some getting into trouble (mostly the boys being dare-devils) and only one of us could go to the mall (we didn't even have that option).
Personally, I don't think kids that young should be hanging out at the mall all alone. They don't need to focus all of their free time on consumerism, trying to show off their new clothes, and hanging out in cliques. Plus, there are so many other people there that it's hard to keep them safe.
However, I would encourage any outdoor activity, including a 10 minute walk to and from a location that you can easily find her. It sounds like you've laid the ground work for a responsible little girl. If you know the neighborhood is safe, she's allowed to be home alone, and you know (and agree with) the friends she hangs out with, then I don't see what the harm is. I would give her a time limit for the actual store, but would strongly encourage outdoor play. Not enough kids get outside and are losing out on crucial exercise. Be glad she's not glued to the TV playing video games or surfing online (which is a WAY more dangerous unsupervised activity than a 20 minute round-trip walk).
Also, I completely agree that you and your husband needs to be a united front. Do not let her know where you stand and dad doesn't. You guys need to decide what activities will be allowed and when a new activity comes up, you have to let her know that the both of you will discuss it and get back to her. That will discourage spur-of-the-moment outings that you don't know enough about and let you make an informed decision.
One last thing, she can get into trouble at home just as easily as when she's out and about. That is why you're doing a great job raising her to be trust-worthy and you're active in her life (i.e. you know her friends well). I'm sure this will be the first little bump in the teenage years. :-)
I don't have a 12-year-old, but I wanted to give a different perspective. I'm a landscape architect and there has been a lot of discussion professionally about childhood obesity, walkable cities and neighborhood connections. By allowing your daughter to walk to the store, you are encouraging her to be active, to find alternatives to riding in a car and to get to know others in her neighborhood. This is something she can carry through to adulthood. Congratulations on raising such a great girl!
J.,
You are being a bit of a Mommie Dearest. You have outlined a great many reasons why your daughter is trustworthy. Your daughter NEEDS independence at this age, otherwise she WON'T have the experiences/abilities to make good judgements later, when it is expected she will. Girls at her age definitely have a "group think" mentality and it doesn't go away until, hmmm, college graduation!
Talk with your husband, get aligned with your FAMILY (not just yours or his) expectations for how she is EXPECTED to behave and that there WILL be consequences if she gets in trouble (regarless of the other girls' consequences).
Also keep in mind that getting in trouble is just part of being a teenager, you can't insulate her from trouble. If you are teaching her good values, chances are she won't go overboard and do something too majorly out of line!
There are many kids in metropolitan Seattle who walk to school 10 minutes or more away. Those same kids have to walk home (many to homes with no parents around), and I'm sure their parents worry too--but that's what we do as parents, we worry. We do our best to teach them well, and we know that we can't control them 100% of the time, but we all somehow managed to get old--she will too!
When you and your husband agree on parameters for her--sit down with her, tell her how much you love and trust her and how important it is for her to understand you are protective of her for those reasons. Then, outline what you have decided are appropriate boundaries for walking around with friends.
Big step for you mom, but you and your daughter will both grow from the experience!
Best of luck to you.
I wasn't allowed outside of our yard until age 13. I hated it then but now I understand, and today is worse than 19 years ago! I just saw on the 11pm news that three 11 year old girls were robbed at knifepoint while walking to the grocery store in Sammamish (nice neighborhood too!). And right by my house a teenage girl was hit by a car just while walking down the street. Kids are taken from their homes though too.
I know we can't live in fear but it's my general feeling that most children aren't aware enough to pay attention to their surroundings, especially when distracted by friends. Call me paranoid I guess, but better safe than sorry-I'm on your side! I'd let her do a few blocks at most, carrying a cell phone, and remind her to watch for strange people or situations and not hesitate to call home.
Some interesting responses so far! It is not only your daughter that you need to be concerned about. I think that you are great to be thinking about her safety. I don't plan to let my daughter be walking to a video store with friends at the age of twelve. There are too many things that can happen in this world to our children that have nothing to do with how trustworthy they are, it has to do with how trustworthy are the rest of the world full of people. Go with your gut feeling. I am sure there are things that you are comfortable with her doing that will stretch the apron strings a bit without her being in situations that you are not comfortable with. The previous posts about exercise are wonderful and walking is a great way to be active; however, not walking to the store with friends her age isn't going to make her fat and placid!
Although times have changed since I was 12, (I am 29) I would say let her go to the store AND the mall. I did it when I was her age. But have a talk with her about what is expected of her and what values you expect her to uphold. When I was that age I was also babysitting but was alone with the kids. If your daughter is the way you say she is, I think you can trust her. Sounds like you have already done a good job instilling good values in her up to this point so now would be a good time for you to let her show you what a good job you've done.
J. - Congratulations on raising a good girl so far. You must be doing something right! I would always say to trust your instincts. However, you need to have this talk privately with your husband first. You need to always have a united front- especially going into the teen years- for your daughter. She needs to know that you are parents, not friends, that you want her to learn and grow and be safe and smart. She will earn your trust and you also will earn hers in return each time you stick to your guns and always back each other.
That being said, I would disagree with the first post and say 12 years old is a time to be a little kid, riding bike in the neighborhood to go play in the pool down the street - not wasting away hours at a mall learning bad language, bad manners, and exercising only the wiggle-your-butt-for-the-boys walk. She is very young and VERY impressionable, and you have no control over anything she is taking into her brain when she's at the mall with only peer pressure as her influence. Some may say where is the harm in hanging out at the mall, but I counter with, "Where is the good?" We live in a consumer-driven world, and all she will learn at the mall is to want more and more and that those who have are somehow better people than those who don't.
Ask your husband what kind of woman he hopes his daughter will become, and then discuss what you both agree would be good activities for her that will encourage her in becoming that young woman.
