How Do I Tell My Daughter?

My son was taught you get married then have a baby. Then he met people who had children out of wedlock and my son asked the same question "how can they have baby without being married". I just told him that some people are so in love that sometimes the baby comes first. He took that as an answer and didn't ask fro more explanation. Granted as he gets older he will be more conscious of how things really are. I don't think it's covering up the truth more so that at 7 yaers old he doesn't need to know the ins and outs of an adult relationship. IMO

I would just say to her that you believe certain things & they believe certain things that are not the same. They believe it's okay but you don't. Hope that helps! Good luck.

I would stick with your value frame. When our children were little we went to a conference and in it one of the workshops was about the "value frame" you take a pc of paper and draw a beautiful frame. then inside the frame you put all the things that your family values (trust, honesty, artistic ability, music, family time, jobs, education, lessons, family etc...) and then outside the frame were the things you as a family tried to avoid (sex before marriage was in that area, lying, cheating, skipping school etc) talk about the choices that you make and the consequences. how having a baby before your married and able to take care of it is so hard. how you might have to drop out of school (so no good job, no spending time with friends etc) about how it affects your life. and then go into how much better to wait until your ready. we have never hidden any topic from our children. and some of the best conversations we have ever had have happened over subjects like this. your a good mom to talk about things openly with her.

I would just tell her that what it takes is a man and a woman to have a baby, and a baby is always a gift from God. Then I might talk to her about how God designed that man and woman be married when they have children, and that He gave us the choice whether to honor His way or do things our way. Maybe you could give her the example of when she doesn't listen to you or something she might struggle with at times. Doesn't change for a minute how much you love her, or that she is your child, but it isn't the best choice for her because she is supposed to obey you as your daughter. So I would just point out that sex is a gift from God that brings life, ie babies, and that because he made it work that way, He doesn't stop it from working even if the people involved aren't married. But he made marriage as the covenant for the gift of sex and babies. However bc He loves us all so much He continues to work with us in our failings and sin and teach us more of who He is so that we will see that doing things His way really is best for US!!:) Hope that helps and kuddos for being so real with your kids, I think it really pays off as they grow up;)

I don't know what country your older adopted daughter lives in, but many countries have different mores and social standards for such things. Some are more permissive while others are far more restrictive. If you read, check out what is in the news this week about a pregnant unwed young woman in Afghanistan. I won't go into the details here. But many other countries and societies recognize that human sexuality and strong, well-bonded relationships can and often do happen outside the bounds of marriage. This does not make for a necessarily "unstable" family for a baby, especially if the society doesn't make it so.

You might tell your daughter that, first of all, you do not have full parental authority with her adopted sister, since she lives elsewhere and is also an adult. You can reiterate your personal values and the reasons for them. You might also explain how things are different in society where her sister lives, if that is relevant.
And...this is important...please don't say you "love her and the baby ANYWAY". Your 7 year old does not need to process the deeper meanings beneath that. Please acknowledge this couple and this baby as the family that they are--with or without the religious confirmation you would most like. Marriage is more than a piece of paper and more than a religious service--it is a strong commitment on a daily basis to love and support one another whatever comes along, and if your eldest daughter has this with her partner, they are a family. And you can say so without implying that you think that is the best way to do it.

(A little self-disclosure here: I am mother to three daughters, two of whom were born during my marriage to a man who cheated on me with every single female behind my back he could find a way to flirt into a bed--anywhere. For 12 years, I kept a marriage together, because I felt it would be "more stable" for the kids, but I finally could not stand it anymore when I caught him with one of my former close friends in her house WHILE she was supposed to be watching my daughters for me. Since our divorce, he has rarely lived up to either the child support agreement of less than a fourth of what it takes to raise them, helped with their medical bills, or even seen them when he had the chance. I did not marry my next partner, and will not, as marriage was NOT more "stable" for me, it was a trap that sucked my energy, my self-esteem, and all of my money at the time. With him, I have a third beautiful daughter, who I love just as much, as well as a willing father and step-father to the other two. My parents, who believe as you do--that they will love and accept my youngest daughter even though we aren't properly "a family", have hurt her in ways I don't think they will ever understand, and in the process, hurt me as well. Yes, they give her presents and have very generously supported her beloved dance training. But she is the only one who is never encouraged to come spend a weekend with them, only once did they offer to take her on a trip with them--they have taken the other two on multiple trips all over the country, and it is very clear that they consider her loved, but "illegitimate". And of course, they act the same with her father--the one who IS around, who DOES help care for all of them, and who HAS been nothing but gracious and polite to them at all times. So, I'm a bit biased and I admit my response is colored by that experience. You CAN affect how your daughter feels about her sister and her little niece or nephew that's on the way. Be careful.)

Since you have already touched on the subject before, I would say well just like "godmother's name" she has been blessed with a baby before she got married. It is not something you should do but we love them anyway. It is the truth, it is not too detailed.

Given the level of open communication that you already share with your 7 year old, it seems as if you already have significant points to make as to why this is not something you would desire for her. I would perhaps point out some of the difficulties that are associated with single parenting - not as a ding, but as awareness or examples of why this is not the best thing to do. All types of people make all types of choices. When we do, we have to live with the adjustments that we have to make and sometimes it is really hard. Life is all about our choices and when we make good ones it can alleviate much of the stress associated with what comes along in life. Congratulations on having the type of communication you have with your daughter and I think given time and continued openness she will get it.

Way to go, mom! You are doing the right thing by pointing out that some people make mistakes and we still love them. Your daughter needs to know that when she makes mistakes, you will still love her. This is a great example for her. Remind your daughter that when we make poor choices, there are often consequences. Express your concern that you hope the baby will be well-taken care of since they didn't wait until they had good jobs and money in savings and that you hope they get married so the baby will have a mom and a dad for its whole life.

As she gets older, be sure to point out the negative consequences of having sex outside of marriage: feeling used, not knowing that you are worth waiting for, not having a man with self-control but a "boy" who just wants to enjoy himself without a commitment, the sex act being cheapened, the intense emotional bond that happens to girls when she has sex with a guy and how indescribably painful the breakup is because of it, plans being changed in the case of pregnancy, lack of savings to care for a baby, babies put in daycare, etc. It doesn't seem that girls today ever hear these things from their moms. They seem shocked and feel judged when someone like me writes about it like this. It is one of our jobs to point out the negative consequences (even emotional ones) to our kids when poor choices are made.

I can tell you the joy my daughter has in knowing that she and her husband saved themselves for each other. They both know the sacrifices the other made and neither has to deal with any previous sexual partners. And we are so blessed to have a son-in-law who understands that some things are worth waiting for. I doubt they will fall into the traps of so many young people who have never trained themselves to resist their impulses (like credit card spending). They just got married last month and we are overjoyed! So yes, all the talks are well worth it. And they have even spoken to teenagers about purity. I hope they have more opportunities. I'm sure it would be more effective coming from someone their age.

I thing you are already doing a very good job with your kids.. it is very hard this days to install good values to your children with everything around you is showing them differently...But just stating what you have already told her with the previous baby, will be good... Your example of how you live your life is what she sees....My daughter now 17 has a good head on her shoulders, and like you I have always been very open with her and we talk a lot about society and the rights and wrongs... So just keep at it

Wow. Your relationship with and beautiful outlook on the "adopted daughter" is amazing and sent chills down my arms.

I think you really don't need our advice as you seem to have a very good grip on how to talk to your daughter already. I think that you should continue exactly in the path that you've already started, explaining that while your values are "these", sometimes things happen with people that make their lives and choices fall outside those values. That doesn't make them less good, it just means that they made some choices that you would hope not to see your daughter make..

Something along these lines would not require you to compromise your values or to disrupt the open and honest dialog that you share with your daughter.

Best wishes,
B.

Sounds like you already have it covered. Just keep repeating yourself and reiterating your values. Even if you think your kids aren't listening-they are. One of my funnier moments came when a friend of my 14 year old daughter repeated back to me something I had said at dinner a few months before: "I know, Mama B, we can't be having sex 'unless we have a job and health insurance'." As my kids navigate their teen years, I am amazed at how many things that I have said to them when they were younger now come out of their mouths like gospel.
Keep the communication lines open and be honest-and you might as well work h*** o* your answer to this one because it is bound to come up again. (At least it has at our house-very few of the cousins have gotten the order right re: marriage and babies. I repeat myself loudly and frequently that I am not Aunt So-and-so and I will not be raising any grand babies and I will not have any baby daddies at our house. LOL. Hope it works!)
Good luck.

I have two cousins who (twice each) have had children out of wedlock. When the same question came up, I just explained that it is certainly possible to get pregnant while unmarried, but it's not the best way of doing things. I'm not into being politically correct, and young children have difficulty with a 'no absolutes' mentality anyway.

I have several gay friends and so that's an issue we've dealt with before as well. I don't gloss over it, I deal with the very real issue of conflict with our beliefs, but explain that we should still love them anyway. In fact, we have a BBQ planned with some of these friends.

Sounds like you already know what to say. What you said in this post will be great. And btw, can I just say that you are awesome for taking this adopted daughter into your heart and life as you have. And for teaching your kids values but acceptance. Great job Mom :)

It sounds like you already know what to say. It was well written in your post. As long as you leave out any judgement about others choices, which it sounds like you do, you'll communicate your values just fine.

I support your decisions for your family. I am also amazed at how you took in another child that is not yours. However I feel that you are putting religious beliefs into a situation that does not call for them. Don't force your beliefs onto others. I lived with my boyfriend for 5 years we made a commitment verbally and legally to be together forever however we do not believe in marriage. However my husband took a job with excellent benefits and we had to be married for me to participate. This is the only reason we married. Especially in other countries marriage is seen for what it is an outdated religious institution that is used to control women. I commend your daughter for being strong enough not to succumb to an unnecessary pressure to get married.

Continue to be honest and open with her. She will learn as she grows up and then she will make her own choices. You will have given her the training and the information she needs to make the right choice.

I would just tell her that some people have babies and live together without getting married first. Let her know that you don't particularly approve of it, but you're not going to not have anything to do with someone who does that -it's just something you don't like and don't want her to do. Just be prepared for the future though. My parents always disapproved of people living together before marriage, and they told me that. I had several older cousins who did that, and knew a lot of people who did. I always grew up thinking that I would never marry anyone I hadn't lived with first, and I stuck to it. By the time I was grown, my parents were over it and didn't really blink an eye (and I had always told them I was going to do that anyway), so your daughter may grow up to think just like you, or to be really different! Either way -she's going to find out sooner or later that people have children and live together without marriage. I would just use this example to show her that you don't agree, but that you can disagree with someone's actions and still love the person and get along with them.

It seems as if you answered your own question. You already do talk to your kids about your values and so they already know how you feel about marriage and babies.
You are also showing them that Love is unconditional where your "kids" are concerned. That they may do things that you disapprove of, but that doesn't mean that you don't love them anymore when they foul up.
As long as you let them know that YOU believe that for optimum happiness & less problems, people should get married before having children. You can talk with a 7 year old about some of the pitfalls of having a child outside of marriage.
Because we as parents want to protect our children from all the boogie boos that life has to offer - we sometimes complicate things that don't need much complication. Kids are smarter than we often give them credit for.

It sounds like you are doing the right thing by expressing your values and keep your stance on your point of view and never falter. As she gets older she will remember those things before she enter into an relationship and maybe she also will choose to follow your beliefs. In a traditional household, not all children go the same route, so just because the older sister is not living according to your beliefs doesn't mean the younger will do the same. Hence the saying "The black sheep of the family". Not that the older one is bad or out of control, just doesn't live by the family standards. I hope all works out for your older daughter, adopted or not, it sounds like she is definitely part of the family.

i think the way you explained her godmothers choice is just fine. her godmother and your older daughter certainly wont be the last people she knows that will make choices that you dont necessarily agree with. tell her that your daughter made a different choice than you would have made, one that you would hope she doesnt make and that you dont really agree with, but that she is an adult (a good thing to reiterate especially since you are directly or indirectly talking about sex) and this was her decision and that a family loves each other no matter what and that you love her and will love her baby just the same.

well I think you already said it yourself.

"well as the fact that while most people these days do it outside of marriage, it results in reproduction and that is less than ideal for the family structure and therefore we wait until marriage." "I told her that we love and accept her even if we do not agree with all of her choices, and that at the end of the day this baby is such a gift. But I want her to know that while other people do it, we don't think it is right or ideal."

If she has questions. answer what she asked. Ex.
Did sister have sex without getting married? Yes. -- NO further explantion is needed.
Is she going to have a baby? Yes.
Do you think she will get married? Yes / No / I am not sure.

But maybe she wont have any questions at all.

Good luck

I think that you have already answered that question yourself...just tell her that sometimes people we love make choices that we don't agree with but that doesn't change how we feel about them. And that this little baby that is on the way is innocent and pure and deserving of love and affection.
There will come a day when your daughter will make a decision about something that you don't agree with but you want her to be secure in the fact that she will always have your love and your support.
I too tried to raise my children with the idea that sex was to be saved for marriage, unfortunately the world had a bigger pull than my advice seemed to. Our middle daughter became pregnant at 15 and delivered a precious baby girl at 16. She made the painful but ultimately loving decision to place her daughter for adoption with a wonderful Christian family. She and I developed such a wonderful new relationship as I helped her through the pregnancy and the placing of her daughter for adoption.
You can love both of your daughters...and you can let your 7 year old know that you are disappointed in the choices that your adopted "daughter" has made but that you still love her and care for her deeply.

You explained it very well in your post. Just reiterate the same message to her the way you said it here. But always remember, you can tell her of your values all you want, she will make her own decisions as she gets older.

You have done a beautiful thing by 'adopting' your daughter in the other country. By accepting her no matter what is the best 'value' you can ever teach your daughter. She is learning the true meaning of life thru you - good job Mom!

I think your doing a great job. Thank you for teaching your kids values and morals. I had a 9 yr old ask me how her mom had her step brother if the parents werent married. I told her they were engaged but never did get married. That somehow seemed to please her. Sometimes when they asked me difficult questions I would answer them vaugely and tell them they needed to speak with there parents about it more. I would continue to explain like you said you were. I would also include that there are reasons why God has asked us to live the life He has planed for us. But He gave us free will. We will all have to face God one day for our sins. People often say dont judge or i am not judging but in fact God has required us to carefuly judge and has instructed us how to judge! http://www.bibletruths.net/Archives/BTARO21.htm