How Do I Know When to Change My Daughter to Another School?

Do the teachers say anything about why she's not connecting? If I were you, I would ask their opinion and let them know they can be totally honest. They probably have an objective viewpoint and a good feel for the dynamics between the kids. I had a similar conversation with one of my dd's teachers during conferences after my dd said some of the kids were being mean to her (this was back in 5th grade). What I gathered is that she was too loud and some kids just thought she was annoying. But there were other kids that liked her personality so she just separated herself from the mean ones. I also talked with my dd on what she might be doing that was annoying the other kids.
I didn't want her to change her personality, but she needed to be more aware of how her actions were bringing on her consequences.
Since your dd is good at many things, it could be that other kids are jealous. One thing I know turns people off is if she brags about it. My dd used to do that too, and I had to try to explain to her that it makes others feel inferior.
Anyway, if you think a new school is the answer, go for it...private schools can have a very different dynamic than public schools and I've always opted for public schools because there's more diversity and it's less sheltered and more like real life. Either way, I think your dd needs to try to figure out what she might be doing that makes others shy away from her.

At the beginning of your post, you said "she lost some friends and some parents wouldn't allow their children to play with her..."
It seems like there is more to this story that isn't mentioned here. What caused her to lose friends and it seems pretty extreme that other parent won't allow their kids to hang out with her. I would examine whatever happened and see if she can repair it. Are apologies needed? Just looking at my own kid or even other kids...something pretty big has to happen for parents to "not allow" play dates with just one kid. The only time I haven't allowed my kid to play with another is if I think that kid has caused trouble or I don't trust the other parents or some other equally severe issue.
I find most people are pretty reasonable, if something happened maybe it needs to be confronted.
Changing schools may help her to start over, but looking at whatever happened to cause this backlash may help her avoid another incident in the future.
There are always two sides to every story and if you can get to the basic cause of her being shunned, there may be a way to fix it.
If you want to be more involved in the school, volunteer to coordinate some activities like class parties etc. If you are in charge, you will automatically be talking with other moms etc.

Your daughter is in 3rd grade, but she:
- is a top athlete and qualifies for a track team (I didn't even know there were track teams for 3rd graders, and my kid ran track in high school
- is the fastest runner, the only basketball scorer (again, she's playing organized basketball games in 3rd grade?)
- performs in community plays and has had considerable local publicity herself
- is a top reader and wins school contests, coming in first very often
- she participates in dance and is apparently very successful
- she does Girl Scouts

Is it possible that she is over-scheduled, and she doesn't know how to just play, relax, and have fun without being competitive? Is she so used to pushing herself that she always lets the other kids know (either directly or in a second-hand way) that she is better than they are and they just don't measure up? She has NEVER had a play date??? That is so sad! Does she even have time for this, or is she so occupied every single day after school that no one thinks she could possibly be entertained by a simple at-home popcorn/movie date, or a bike ride, or a hopscotch game? Would she be critical of the movie’s actors (based on her acting coach’s input) or ride faster than everyone else (because athletics is a competition, not “fun”) or try to beat everyone at hopscotch (because, you know, it’s athletic)??

She’s 8. That seems very young for the end of third grade. I realize all states are different, but usually if a kid starts in September after turning 5, she’s 6 at the end of kindergarten, 7 at the end of 1st grade, and 8 at the end of 2nd grade. But your daughter is 8 at the end of 3rd grade. You say she’s been with the same kids all along, so maybe they are all comparable ages – but I wondered if she’s perhaps a bit immature? Sometimes being behind the other kids in social skills makes a kid either try too hard or just mis-read social cues, so the kid says things that are perceived as being clueless or irrelevant or even a little offensive.

I'm also concerned that she has lost friends and parents are stopping play dates. Either you're not telling us the details, or you don't know the details and should find out.

My sense is that breaking into cliques is tough – and it sounds like you are having as much trouble with the parents as she is with the kids. Is this kind of a snooty group? Is there a division between the rich and those on scholarship? Those who’ve been in town forever and those who moved in later? Any other “divisions” or lines you cannot cross? Is it possible that the other parents are misconstruing your insistence on your daughter’s mega-participation schedule and seeing it as some sort of arrogance? I don’t know – I’m not there. But I find it odd that a child has not had a single playdate since age 4. Something is really off. There was a post from a mom a short while ago about a school whose teachers gave all the solo parts and class play lead roles to just a few kids – and there was resentment. I wonder if there’s some thought that your daughter is hogging the awards and the spotlight, and there’s resulting resentment? Doesn’t mean you and she have done something wrong but it might explain why others find her off-putting.

Moving to a new school is one option but it can also just transfer old problems to a new place. More kids and more social groups would be excellent so it’s not just one “in crowd” but if your daughter has no skills and compensates with over-achieving in athletics, academics, and the arts, she’ll likely have the same problems. Wouldn’t that be a second defeat for her?

Have you thought of getting more info from teachers and the school psychologist of exactly what the problem is and how it manifests itself? There are all kinds of resources available, from working with a child psychologist and doing some sort of play therapy to backing off on her expectations for herself, and literally teaching her to have some down time. Maybe she needs to learn to be calmer, to slow herself down. I think I would work with a professional or two before making a major decision. Maybe a new school would be a good choice – but only if you know what you’re doing and why, and if you’ve made some efforts to break any bad habits that are contributing to this problem.

Changing schools is a tough decision to make. Your daughter is only in 3rd grade, so it might be worth considering. Private schools can be very good for kids, but public schools can be, also!

I had a lot of trouble in Middle School, but if my parents had me transfer schools, I don't know that that would have helped. I think it might have made things harder since I already felt like an outsider. I feared it would have been difficult for me to make friends at a new school. When I started high school, the whole world opened up for me. There were at least 15 different schools feeding into my high school, so lots of opportunities to meet new people.

My parents had me in activities outside of school with kids who I did not go to school with. maybe you could find a Girl Scout Troop with other girls. Or even have her join Cub Scouts? (Hey, it's an option!)

I agree with Sallye r. Talk to her teachers. They really might have some ideas as to why she isn't connecting with the other girls.

It feels like there is more to this so I looked back - I'm just going to include this here so others can see the history because it sounds like it may be relevant:

"My daughter had an issue with another student. The teacher's approach (according to her it was her own decision) was to not allow the girls to hang out or speak to each other. Soon, my daughter was being excluded by the other girls. Parents were choosing sides. And my daughter was losing friends. I asked the principal for such "rule" to be removed, & asked for another solution. To keep it short, the other girl's parents moved her to another school. "

I'm glad things seem to be getting back to normal but I can see why this year has been difficult for your daughter and no doubt you. You said the teacher has been awkward with you, and no doubt the parents have been a bit stand-offish.

For the teacher to bring up that your daughter is having trouble connecting with kids this year sounds understandable, given the circumstances.

I would be more concerned if she didn't get along with children - period. You added that she has playdates with another little girl and they get along well. To me, that's a very good sign. My daughter's two good friends are not classmates. They were made through activities. One of my kids had mostly neighbor friendships until later - more like 4th grade when he then would go over to friends' homes from school. He was old enough to arrange it himself and it then took off.

As for not having a bestie at school - only one of mine did at that age. I think only one actually even had a loose 'group' at that age. My kids kind of just hung out with whoever was playing whatever they were interested in that day. Some of mine are introverted and quirky. They can be shy also. The not greeting each other out in public thing - I know that. You must have noticed that with other children too though at that age - I doubt it is just your daughter. Just keep reinforcing the behavior you want to see.

I just finished reading Queen Bees and Wannabees - it's a book recommended on this site frequently. It was interesting. One thing it says frequently throughout the book, and why I mention it, is to check your baggage! You mention how you feel about these moms - that it reminds you of high school - don't let that affect how you view your daughter's situation at school. The two are separate.

Quite frankly, you're not responsible for your daughter's friendships. One of the moms wrote that on here once, and it was the best advice. We can help our children learn social skills, and model appropriate behavior, but your friendships should not be the basis of your daughter's friendships by third grade.

I think you might benefit from seeing a counselor. I did this and they just got me seeing things from a healthier perspective. Not feeling like you're screwing up your kid is very liberating and just means you can focus on being supportive and empowering, rather than thinking 'What is wrong with my kid'.

If you do find though that your daughter is struggling, seeing a counselor hasn't helped her (she can always benefit from a few sessions also), and this is all just too much and a fresh start would just be the best thing - then maybe a new school would be a great idea. My kids changed schools and did well (we moved).

Keep in mind - if you move, the other kids will still all have known each other and there will be established friendships so that will still be a challenge regardless of which new school she goes to.

Best to you and your daughter. Keep us posted :)

Poor thing! She's only 8 years old...I don't think 8 year olds really notice all the successes of another kid. At least my 8 year old daughter doesn't really pay attention to that sort of thing. She sounds like an awesome kid!! I don't think I have good advice, but I wanted to tell you my daughter also has a hard time really connecting with anyone. The other kids all seem to have their best friend or friends and she just doesn't connect with anyone at school this way yet. I have talked to two friends whose kids go to two different schools and they say they felt the same way about their kid last year...so perhaps this is common? So.....the BIG question I have is why would anyone not allow their child to play with yours? That is a big part of this equation here...and I can't even think of a reason why this would be the case. Do you think this has a lot to do with the problem? For my daughter I think part of it is her personality. She's very smart and quirky and kind of different (not your typical girl)...I think she has a hard time finding another girl who has similar interests. She is not the type to go along with what someone else is playing if she really is not interested (stubborn? sticks to her convictions?). I will say that a couple new kids moved into the neighborhood and she does enjoy playing with the little neighborhood gang. They are a range of ages and none of them are in her grade or class. She is in swim team and dance, but she doesn't connect with anyone at these activities. It's kind of sad to see. I think make an effort to look to see if there is another child who plays alone...maybe one grade up or down? It sounds like your daughter goes to a very very small school?? Here there are many different classrooms at my daughter's school and 3 other elementary schools nearby...so at different activities (girl scouts, soccer, you name it) there are always many kids you have never met before and so there is always the possibility of making a new friend. It sounds like anything your daughter signs up for only has the small group of the same kids? Are there things you can sign her up for that include kids that she doesn't normally meet? Are there neighborhood kids? From the situation you are describing your daughter only sees the same kids all the time who tend to leave her out...I would be tempted to look at joining a "larger school of fish". And yes, if things continued like this at her school I would be tempted to move my daughter to a different (and larger!) school.

What opportunities does she have to make friends outside of school?
Is she in Girl Scouts or does she have any sports or dance classes or any other after school activities?
If not - then try one out - and if she doesn't enjoy it then try another.
Self esteem is best when you don't value yourself based on what others think about you - otherwise you end up endlessly trying to please others your whole life.

Not everyone has a best friend - and by itself friends aren't the end all and be all of the purpose of school.
If she's doing well academically then I would not change schools for a socialization issue as long as she wasn't being bullied or picked on.

If middle school in your area starts in 6th grade (it was that way for our son - where I grew up middle school began in 7th grade) then she only has a few more years left.
Middle school will be a whole new experience whether she changes schools now or not.
It's an awkward time for everyone - everyone adjusts sooner or later.
A few years later high school starts up and the social order changes all over again.
And again in college.

Stay with your current school and look for an activity where your daughter can make friends outside of school.

wow. i'm so sad for this little girl.

it's hard to watch your child struggle socially.

i don't think changing schools will help, largely because of all the clues scattered throughout this post.

she lost friends.

parents won't let their kids play with her.

she's been with these kids from K on but they won't connect with her.

never has a playdate.

and it sounds as if her mom has the exact same issues.

so i don't see any big mystery here. your daughter doesn't have a good role model in how to make friends and get along with people.

your parents are wrong. people don't spend 4 years ostracizing a small girl for excelling. if no one talks to you and no one talks to your daughter, the fault does not lie with 'them.'

and while i understand your sad little girl's desire for a do-over, it sounds as if you both need to learn how to relate positively to other people.

i think some counseling and parenting classes are in order. not because you suck as a mom or are a failure. but you have got to learn how to be at least somewhat introspective and figure out what's not working and make a plan for how to correct it. you need it for you and you surely need it to help your little girl learn how social interactions work. and you have no time to waste.

i wish you the best of luck.

khairete
S.

What happened that "she lost some friends and some parents wont allow their kids to play with her?"
THAT seems to be the issue. I could be wrong...but a parent wont usually keep their child from another unless there's a pretty big reason.
Maybe figure out what THAT reason was...or at least share it with us so that we can give you a good answer.

I read this and your previous question. In both, you basically say that "you don't want to get into everything that happened".

Okay, that is certainly a choice you can make, but...whatever happened sounds REALLY extreme! Based on this and your previous question, it sounds like your daughter and/or her classmates did something over-the-top awful, like something straight out of a movie about bullying, to cause this much fallout.

So - my answer, based on that "guess" (since all I can do is "guess") - is to say: yes, you should try changing schools.

Your daughter is headed into the "tween" years, where social divisions and cliques and bullying can get worse and worse. It would be best for her to not continue down this already rough path. I think it could be good for her to try starting fresh with a new social group.

sounds like you could switch her schools this year. she has asked for it, thinks thing will be better so go for it . enroll her in a different school next year and see how things go. it may fix the issues or it may not. for me i was stuck in the horrible school begging my parents to send me somewhere else for years! finally when i was a junior something major happened my mom saw that the school was not a good fit for me and enrolled me at another school. for the rest of that year and my senior year i was in heaven. i had friends, i didn't mind going to school, things were so much better. but it could of easily been the same as the horrible school. i was just lucky the new school had actual christians not like the horrid school that had heathens disguised as christians.