How Did You Tell Your Child About the Death of a Family Member

My wonderful Aunt died this past February - she had fought breast cancer for 4 years. The kids adored her. I know when they got home from school they could tell something was wrong (I'd been crying all day). I sat them down and I said, "You both know that Aunt Reba has been very sick for a long time, right? Well, today she died. Her body gave up, even though I know she didn't want to give up. I'm very sad about it because I'll miss her so much. I know you will miss her too." And then I asked them if they had any questions. Mostly we talked about how it's not fair that someone so great had to die before she was ready to die, and before we were ready for her to die. The kids seemed to get over it much faster than the rest of us.

I should add that we are not religious (at all) and so the idea of heaven didn't come up, but if you are religious, it would be comforting for them to think of their grandpa waiting for them in heaven (or whatever your personal beliefs are).

My daughter is four and asked about my father. I explained it for what it is and said he died. She asked what that meant and I explained that people don't live forever and sometimes we will get old and die and sometimes we get sick and die. My dad got sick and died because he didn't take good care of himself. She was a bit sad that she would never get to meet him, but she is okay. I have also explained several deaths to her since and she is fine. She knows one of my friends husband is dying of cancer and he will die as soon as his body can't take anymore.

This is a heartbreaking and hard thing to do, when I was 5 my great grandmother passed away who I was very close too, the way my grandmother told me was (if you are religious) that Great Gran needed to go help God take care of all the kids in heaven, and then before we went to bed, we went outside, and we found a "new star" and that was great grandma, so whenever I missed her I could look up at the star and talk to her, and know she will always be there for me, even if I can not see her. From time to time, I still look up and the stars find her star and smile. I really hope this helps, and I'm truly sorry for your loss.

My granddaughter's paternal grandmother died when she was 3 or 4. Her mother calmly told her that she'd been sick and had gone to Heaven. My daughter then waited for questions and answered them briefly and honestly.

I suggest that you can tell your 4 yo that his heart stopped beating and the doctors couldn't get it started again; that this happens to older people sometimes. And continue with the excellent suggestions made by Catherine C., Carla S. and Blythe.

There are several good children's books written about dying. One that I remember is Freddie the Leaf. You can get them from the library. I've read them to my daughter which helped both of us express our feelings and talk about the person we'd "lost."

I believe that we don't lose them. They live on in our hearts and memories. I often feel their presence.

My son's grandfather died two years ago and it was devastating for him. At the time, my son was 5 y.o. I do not believe in shielding children from life's events and this includes death. It is important to be honest but explain the situation for your children's ages. Be prepared for them to express grief in unusual ways. Since they were close to him, they may go through several phases of grief. My son first cried wails of despair and was very clingy to me, his dad, or my mother. He did not want to be alone. He did have brief moments of anger and lashed out a little at school (at the time, he was in kindergarten).
Have compassion on your children during this time - especially the 4 y.o. Mine would get profoundly sad and quiet at times in the car or at bedtime and ask me if his grandfather could see him or if he was in pain.
Everyone grieves differently especially children but be aware that their grief is no less important than an adult grieving. Finally, be honest with them. If you tell them "grandpa's heart stopped working" they will want to know why. Think through what you plan to tell them and be patient. They're not adults and they are trying to understand what you are telling them.
May God lead you to deliver the appropriate message to them.
Best,
C.R.

My grandfather just passed away last month and it was very sudden as well my daughter is 4, we had a 3 hour drive to get to my grandmothers so I told her on the way that it was a very sad day because her great grandpa died. She knows about heaven and god so I said that he was in heaven with god and we would not get to see him again but he was living in that world. I fielded a lot of questions no matter how crazy they were like "will he be in the ground with the dinosaurs bones" I took all of them seriously because in her four year old mind these are major concerns. I told her that everyone would be very sad and probably be crying because we would miss him. But it was okay to be sad just keep remembering that he was just in a different world. I also explained the rosary and funeral and how they were going to work and that this was not a time for play that the grown ups were going to be very busy. I explained before each event again how they would work and when to be quite and such (this was a huge help). Because I helped plan the funeral she was given chores to do as well like draw a special picture. Her biggest problem seemed to be that other people were going to die soon as well. Saying that he was old and sick didn't work because I am pregnant and to her "sick" all the time and her other grandparents are "old" to her too. I struggled with an answer for her. She finally settled for everyone dies at sometime but not to worry they will all go to heaven and nobody else will die anytime soon.

Keep it simple as you can. It really is suprising though what kids can understand at such a young age. I had a friend whose baby died two weeks after birth and we went to the funeral. My son, 3, was very interested in what was happening. I told him that the little baby returned home to live with our Heavenly Father and that he was safe in the arms of God. He then asked me some more questions about sadness and the baby not being here anymore, but it was such a good conversation for such a little guy. Best wishes.. It is NEVER easy!

Just be sensitive. My 5-year-old didn't want anything to do with our favorite uncle's funeral this past November. I didn't make him stand around or touch the body or anything else. I let him go off and play with the other kids. I don't think I'd have considered taking him to the funeral but we were very close.

He asked me a lot of questions about death, when we would die, why they were putting him in the ground, if we would see him again. We don't know when we'll die, but it's not something he has to worry about for a very long time.

When he started attending church he didn't understand who the heavently "Father" was so he prayed to "Uncle Stephen." Eventually his father's side corrected that, but now he maintains that Uncle Stephen is in heaven. I'm not spiritual, but I know it's helping him to think that we'll be together again in heaven. That's all that matters to me.

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Just be sensitive. My 5-year-old didn't want anything to do with our favorite uncle's funeral this past November. I didn't make him stand around or touch the body or anything else. I let him go off and play with the other kids. I don't think I'd have considered taking him to the funeral but we were very close.

He asked me a lot of questions about death, when we would die, why they were putting him in the ground, if we would see him again. We don't know when we'll die, but it's not something he has to worry about for a very long time.

When he started attending church he didn't understand who the heavently "Father" was so he prayed to "Uncle Stephen." Eventually his father's side corrected that, but now he maintains that Uncle Stephen is in heaven. I'm not spiritual, but I know it's helping him to think that we'll be together again in heaven. That's all that matters to me.

We just told our 3 year old. We told her that grandma got sick in a way that she couldn't get better from and that she died so we wouldn't see her anymore. We assured her that her parents, siblings, cousins, etc and the rest of her grandparents wouldn't get sick that way and let her ask questions. We responded honestly but without a lot of technical info. Her fish died the same day so that made it a little easier.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with death and how to explain their own grief to their child, you'll find your way.

My only suggestion is that you explain the words heart attack as a medical term, if this is a topic of conversation that he is going to be around, he will likely not understand why the man's heart attacked him and wonder if it will happen to him.

Positively,
Mags