Hello Mamas,
I am reaching out to yall because I know you always can offer me the best help.
I am step mother to an 11 yr old dtr in 6th grade and birth mother to a 12 yr old son in 7th grade. My kiddos are very caring and open with us as parents and this is where my problem lies. My dtr came to me and said she is very concerned about her friend, who is also in 6th grade, who sent pictures to her boyfriend, who is in 7th grade, before and when they got into an argument he deleted them and now he is asking or rather demanding that she send some again and she doesnt want to since she didnt want to in the first place. She asked my dtr to ask my son to call the boy and tell him to stop asking her for them but my son doesnt want to get involved and said no. My dtr told her all the reasons that I have taught her about why she does not need to do it in the first place and definitely not again and I added the new law that passed Sept 1 making it a crime and this girl knows these things but she is scared to go to her parents because she is afraid of their response since she has already done it once before and did not seek their help. I reinforced to my daughter that she really needs to talk to her parents and trust that they want to keep her safe. My dtr said she could talk to the counselors or principal at school but the girl said no and instead these two girls have come up with the idea that this girl is going to talk to ME!! I have never met this girl or her family or the boyfriend for that matter. I dont know what she wants to talk to me about or what I can tell her outside of go talk to your parents.
I am asking to some words of wisdom to give this girl when she calls me tomorrow? What would you want me to tell your daughter if she is too afraid to come talk to you? I was thinking that I could offer to be there with her when she talks to her parents about it but I think that could be damaging to the relationship the girls have or they may look at me in a strange way since we never met before
I appreciated everyones advice. I spoke with the girl via text message and invited her over to our house for swimming and spoke a bit more with her in person. She has not resent the pictures and he is trying harder than ever and really getting on her nerves more than anything but I reassured her that he is just being a bully and she should talk to her parents and if she is not comfortable doing that then go to the school counselor and I will be glad to go with her for some support but she is fearful of doing that because...(this is the part I did not know nor was I prepared for) she was raped by her cousin last year and when she went to talk to the school counselor, her mom was so angry that she told someone else outside of the family and she got into trouble so I somewhat understand why she is fearful to seek help but I could not understand why she is so fearful to seek the help from her parents but I have to respect that she has her reasons 9maybe there is some abuse or dysfuntion in this family, i have no idea) and she is confiding in my family and we will treat her like our own. I did tell my husband that if things have not gotten better or changed with her situation I am going to tell her that we have to involve her parents, at least they could change her phone number and get his phone number blocked. I reinforced he is just bullying her because he thinks she is an easy target but she is strong and she can beat him and anything he throws her way just not to give in and stay strong and when she thinks she is not strogn enough, dig deeper cuz she has strength inside her. I told her that she is amazing and that any person that is your friend would nto want you to do such a thing and would respect you when you say you dont want to do it even if you say you dont want to do it again. I explained to her that it is an illegal act and she could get in trouble for even having such pictures on her phone so she needs to delete them. I hope I guided her in the right direction. I do feel as if I opened dialogue with her and so I feel good that she is talking to an adult and not just another 11yr old...
I used this as a teaching lesson for my kids and explained to them both how they can always come to us, or at least I wont blow my top...my husband may but we want them safe and comfortable so do not hesitate to talk to us about everything we can move forward and fix it without dwelling on how we got in this situation but we will still discuss how not to get into such a situation again...
The girl needs to go to a martial arts class to build up her self confidence and her inner discipline.
Meantime, to be certain you will do a good job. She might not be able to talk to her mother due to alcoholism in the family or lack of a relationship.
When my older two were teens I was the go to mom. I treated them as I treated my own kids. I also encouraged them to talk to their own parents, assuring them they are not going to blow up. Yeah I know, sometimes they did.
Rationally the best you can do is give them the same advice you give your own kids, that is all you know about raising kids. If you suck at it the kids won't go to you but that is a good thing right? It is good that they seek good advice but if they are getting bad advice well...
Here is the thing you need to keep in mind but not speak. This is a predator situation. He has picked this girl because she has low self esteem. She is a target. Any advice you give you must be empowering her self esteem. You must also empower her decision to not text him. This can be done at the same time. I heard you don't want to sext with him, that is a very mature decision......stuff like that. The other thing she needs to see is that she just doesn't need this guy. You can't call him a predator without harming her self esteem so you have to think like a kid. Reasons a kid wouldn't want to date him.
Kids in the end want to talk to adults not be lectured by adults. It is not easy to do because your first thought is what the heck!!!! Lecturing will put up walls.
You are a "go to parent" because you are honest and approachable. Good job mom!
I think by guiding your children to have this girl tell her parents or speak with the counselor were excellent. But since this child is so frightened, yes , you need to speak with her.
As of Sept 1, here in Texas a child this young cannot be prosecuted for sexting.. They are just too young to realize the implications.
I agree the young man is a bully and a predator. She really needs to report him and admit she has in the past sent a sext but felt pressured and has regrets. What a terrible weight to have to carry around.
If you speak with her just listen to what she has to say. Then tell her she is not a bad person. She is just young and did not realize how it was going to make her feel so bad later.
Remind her EVERYBODY has made bad mistakes that almost the moment they do it, they have regrets. We are human and so it happens. The best way to get rid of this upset feeling is to tell her parents so they can help her. Let her know parents want their children to be safe and happy. They will want to help her.
Let her know that in the future, when she has that "strange feeling inside" telling her not to do something, that little voice and funny feeling is her own warning alarm. It is her heart and brain telling her to not do this. Not to take the chance and not to put herself in that situation.
It would be best if she could feel strong enough to go to her parents. If you feel comfortable, you may want to consider going with her. It can be as a "concerned parent with no judgement". I have actually been in this position a few times. The parents were just relieved to know what had been going on, they were not worried about me. I have never shared the conversations that we had in these situations. I made a promise and have kept it both times.
Or go with her to the school counselor and let the counselor contact the parents.
This child needs to unburden herself.. and this young man needs to spoken with and dealt with. He needs to leave her alone and know what he has done is also not a good choice. He needs to know people are aware of his behaviors.
How about role-playing so she can practice talking to her parents? Ask her how they usually react to things, do they yell, do they go quiet, what's she afraid of? then play act it, and even help guide her and find the right words. Encourage her to write it down, and practice it with you, then she could even read it to them.
I second Jo's answer. Great advice! Do your very best to be a friend to this girl and get her not to do this, by relating to her on her level, and always encourage she talk to her parents. See if you can get to know her parents also. without endangering her secret so she feels she can trust you.
Ugh! I think sometimes how tough it is having young kids, how much work it is and then I see stuff like this and I don't envy you moms of tweens and teens! A whole new set of problems!!
She is afraid to talk to her parents, so it is better that she talks to you. Sometimes our kids hear things better from other people. I have often coached kids who couldn't or wouldn't talk to their parents. It DOES take a village sometimes.
This girl needs to learn to say no. The thing you need to tell her is that she doesn't have to do what she doesn't want to do. You can tell her the legal aspects, and the fact that those pictures can (and probably will) be forwarded to everyone, but teaching her to be true to her own desires is the most important lesson.
Tell her that a good boyfriend doesn't demand such things, and that if he breaks up with her because she doesn't send him pictures then he wasn't worth it.
ROLE PLAY saying no with her. It is the most important lesson she will ever learn. You be the boyfriend, and have her say "No" to you when you request pictures. Help her come up with phrases she can use to say "No."
You can do this.
Also, if you really care, and she reads at all, go out today and buy her the novel "Big Girl Small," by Rachel DeWoskin. It's fiction, but a wonderful book that any teen girl will enjoy, whose character is a dwarf (little person) who has a similar experience. (I don't want to give the plot away.)
Help her learn the word, "No."
Definitely reinforce to this girl that she should absolutely NOT resend these pictures. They should be DELETED from her phone. And she should never ever take pictures of herself like that again. You NEVER know where these pictures will end up! If this boy is already treating her with such disrespect, where will it end? Girls now a days need to be STRONGLY reminded that they need to respect themselves, and that means if a boy is asking them to do something that they are not comfortable with, they tell them NO!!! And if the boy doesn't like that answer, break it off. If he is going to be so insistent on this, where will it end? What if they are in a physical situation, and he wants to go further then she does. Will he take no for answer then?
Girls are so afraid of "losing" these jerk boys that allow them to talk them into things that they don't want to do. Our kids are not allowing themselves to be kids anymore. It's so sad!
If I were you, I would tell this girl that she needs to look out for herself. And that if this boy would break up with her if she doesn't send the pics, then he's not worth it. That may seem hard to grasp at her age, but I'd also remind her that finding a "gentlemen" or a decent guy will mean HER behavior will have to warrant it as well. A "good" guy would most likely not want to date a girl with dirty pictures floating around out there. Remind her that at this age reputations are forming, and a bad one will stick with her all through school and possibly longer.
I second talking to the guidance counselor, if she is not able to talk with her parents.
I would also call the phone company and ask that the boy's phone number be blocked.
You are the best being willing to talk and to LISTEN to what the girl has to say, and to give suggestions. I would also encourage her to talk with her parents. Good luck.
My daughter is 11 yrs old and in 6th grade. I completely agree that you should reinforce to this girls to DEFINATELY NOT resend the pictures. If you acutally do speak to her I think you should tell her that it would be disrespectful to HERSELF to do something that is against the law, and that she doesn't want to do. She needs to understand that it's important to have respect for herself if she wants anyone else to have respect for her. If this boy doesn't accept this, then she should see that as a very clear sign that he doesn't respect her for who she is and what she wants. Tell her all the things you'd tell your own daughter if she came to you with a terrible situation such as this.
But, before the conversation is over, you will also have to explain to her that her parents need to know about this so they can help her. Assuming she's not in an abusive home, you could tell her that you will be contacting her parents tomorrow evening, and that she'll have until then to explain to them her situation.
This is tough...good luck!
