Help with My Overbearing Mother.....

My mother was a bit overbearing correcting my children and it felt like trying to parent my children. I finally told her that she was welcome to come if she was going to be a GRANDMA and enjoy her grandchildren but if she was going to come and be a parent to her grandchildren that it wold be best if she didn't visit as much. i said it in a nice way but she got the point and we have had minimal problems since.

I feel honestly with kindness is the best way to nip it in the bud

I just saw an article in Deteoit News on this. It was 2 weeks ago on Sunday. I wish I could remember the name of the book. It was on mother-daughter relationships. Maybe you can look up the article.

I don't have this kind of mother (or mother-in-law) because neither of them are stupid or brave enough to try...

I remember Eleanore Roosvelt's advice: no one can make you feel bad without your permission.

Whenever your mother steps in front of you (in any way), you have 3 choices:

1. roll over and play dead -- let her do whatever she's determined to do, and complain about it to your friends (popular choice)
2. stand up to her and have a conflict right then about what is yours and what is hers (also popular, great for alienating people and destroying relationships)

or, and it will be obvious that this is my recommendation:

3. turn her good intentions and well-wishes aside without making any remark about them, hoping to change her mind or what she wants, thank her for her concern and continue as if she hadn't spoken or acted.

#3 is the grown up way of handling unwanted help, unwanted advice and unsolicited interference. You don't have to make her wrong and you don't have to take it. You needn't enter into a turf war with her, nor create any conflict at all.

One of my favourite words is 'mmm?' -- when she says 'I'm taking them to the park now' you reply, 'mmmm?' look at her mildly, and then continue doing whatever you were doing before she spoke. Continue to not get them ready to go with her, take them by the hand and walk away, change the subject, or tell her a story about what cool things you did yesterday.

One of the reasons she doesn't view you as an adult is that she doesn't trust her own mothering to have got you there. She's over-mothering *you* because she doesn't trust herself.... it really has nothing at all to do with you.

K.,

My Mom watched my boys in her home when I went back to work when they were just 4 months old so she really was Mom to them for many years. Like your Mom, mine would often dispense advice even if I didn't ask for it and often when I had another opinion. Being a new mother makes you vulnerable to the advice of every woman who has ever raised a child and even some that have not (like well meaning sisters). Because I appreciated all my Mom did for me and knew that she knew how to take care of children I would always just listen to her, say yes I'll try that or don't worry, I've got the doctor appointment all made, anything to assure her I was handling whatever emergency real or imagined was upon us. My mother always stayed out of my marriage which I appreciated very much so I didn't say too much when she gave me her advice on the kids but quietly did things my way. I felt she had earned the right through age and wisdom to give her opinion. If you are a patient person it will probably pass as the kids get past the toddler years, good luck to you.

S.

I have a Mother who is to busy with her own life and other Grandchildren that she never helps me with anything, and an elderly Mother-in-law who I love very much but she also has basically not helped with the kids. Her only Grandchildren. So I say be grateful and maybe you could gently tell her how much you appreciate her help but that you want to do such and such yourself.

WOW!!!! I am not sure. I don't have that problem to that extent. My mother and mother in law cam be over bearing but they both know their role as grandma and not mom. Maybe you need to point out your mome behaviour to her. She may not know she is overstepping your boundries. I say give it time. You are all adjusting to your new roles. You as a mom and your mom as grandma. Be thankfull your mom wants to help. I have plenty of friends who don't have help. I feel for you at times I felt and feel that my mom and mom in law are just too much, but remember mom is also the one person you can call for help at any hour of the day.

If she isn't living with you and you aren't receiving any sort of financial assistance from her, you really can get control of this situation pretty easily. Just limit the time your kids spend with her. Tell her you are busy, or have plans, or it's just not a good time. And she should not have a key to your house- not sure if she does or not. But if she shows up unannounced, simply greet her at the door and tell her you are all having family time. Give her a chance to respect your boundaries by setting them and enforcing them. Not sure what you meant by "she takes over." If you don't need her assistance, just politely decline. Hang in there. Stick to your guns, but remain loving and humble. It will all work out.

my advice, sit back and enjoy the time you have with your mother, so quickly people are taken and it is then that you realize how much you really need them...if there is a particular thing that your mother is doing then try to take her aside on a mom to a mom talk and express those feelings and try to come up with something you agree on... your grandparent can add so much to your childrens lives and enrich it....be grateful its not a non-caring grandparent that doesn't want to be involved..

HI K.,

I hope I don't offend you. BUt you should just be happy that she is there at all. Isn't it better than not having her there at all. I have no mother-in-law (which most people would be happy about) and my mother is hardly ever there. She always working and she sees her grandchildren maybe once a week. It has progressivly gotten worse. It is very lonely too. I have no one to help me with the kids when I am sick, tired or just need a break. My husband and I rarely get out because she can rarely babysit. So I guess I would much rather have an overbearing, always in your face mother, than non at all. Atleast you know she is excited about her grandchildren. If she is moving in on you parenting skills, and overriding those decsions than I would have a polite non confrontational conversation with her about it. Point out all the things you appreciate first before you start in on the things you don't like. People always respond better when their ego has been boosted a little. But all in all be greatful for your mother. :)

Deal with her like you would with your children let her know you love her and want her with the children but they are yours.
I also had an over bearing mom and I just learned to deal with it I had to remind her I would do what I thought was best for my children.
Enjoy the fact that you have her to drive you crazy find a way to deal with her, my mother passed seven years ago and I wish I had just one day to be able to ignore that fact she was trying to take over.

K. some moms are just like that, wired that way. I am 50 plus and sometimes my mom can still treat me like a child. Just because we have different viewpoints on things. And it's nerve wracking.
I think you need to make a lot of plans for yourself and the baby so that there isn't access to you by your mom. Like go to the mall to the mom/kids areas and spend some time there, or haul out the stroller and go for long walks now that it's getting better weather around here. If mom notices and asks why, you can always just say that it seemed you were taking up too much of her time and didn't want to tire her out. That's a nice way of putting it.
When she starts in on her usual stuff, remind her that as the baby's mom you're more in tune to the baby and it's your decisions that count, not hers. If this is her first grandchild, realize it's typical. If not then she has got to know her boundaries just as much as kids have to learn them.
Good luck.

K.,
Oh boy! I know exactly what your talking about and I sure do feel for you! I am an only child and I have 5 children and my mom does help alot with money and babysitting needs, but believe me I do pay for it. She is the type to undermine my authority with my kids, if I tell them to do something like pick up your toys or to stop being loud or rowdy she is always right away saying "oh its all right, they dont have to do it" or shes sneaky and makes plans or promises to the kids first and then tries to run it by me later (not asking but telling me what they are gonna do) so at that point if I say no then I'm the bad guy. She uses money too, its almost like its a popularity contest between the two of us and she is determined to win it.
I feel your frustration because I have tried to talk to her over and over again in every imaginable way. This woman has always done things her own way and I'm convinced she has no intention of changing now. We have had heated arguments big blow ups, and also quiet conversations about it, tears and hugs and she always promises that things will be different, but after a day or two we are back to "business as usual".
My only advice to you is to change your expectations. I kept getting angry and frustated because I actually believed things were going to be different. Now its more an attitude of damage control. My oldest child is 12 and youngest is 15 months. I do still need her help with things and I really want peace in my life, I am also a christian and believe in honoring my mother and father, what I do is work from the kids end. I talk to THEM! I am still their mom, and ultimately I still have the final word on things. Pick your battles and know that she really does love you all, and take a deep breath and wait for her to go home!

dear K.,
I've found this to be the case my whole life and could never get away from it---- too bad I believe a Mother has her own instincts as to how to raise or take care of her own children, when, others step in whether to help or just be knw-it-alls!!!! it makes you feel incapable of being a mother to your own kids not to mention how it demeans you and makes you feel also that you know nothing about how to care for children, which, can make you not only hurt inside but make you feel as though you are the child and are t-totally stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!Sorry but, Mothers,Grandmothers, and Mother-in-laws, and even your best friends,whose never even had children of their own anyways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your mom is who she is. Let her get away with the things that aren't going to harm your kids and speak up if there is anything that is too over the top. You are choosing to be frustrated by her. You could choose to laugh or be grateful. We can't always choose our circumstances all the time but we can choose our reactions. Being a grandparent gives you the unique opportunity to spoil children you love. You don't have to be the disciplinarian. Let her enjoy this time and you can choose to enjoy it too. I bet your kids love it!

Hello K., My advice is comming from the other side of the fence. I am the grandma. My daughter and I have always been close, but have also butted heads more than my other children. Because we are too much alike, I think. Anyway, your mom may not know that she is crossing the boundry lines. Keep the communication open with her. I tell my daughter to let me know if I am being too pushy, am out of place, etc. Take your mom out to lunch, talk with her about it while neither of you are in the heat of the moment. Tell her that it is a privilage to be allowed to spend time with you and your children. Explain that you want her to be involved with your children, but that she needs to respect your position as the mom. Let her know that if she cannot be respectful that she will be moving the boundries further away, which will mean that she won't be able to be as involved with her grandchildren. YOU must set the ground rules. YOU must do the communicating. SHE must respect you. Praise her for what she does right. Make a list of all the things that you do like, and tell her. This will be what gets through to her. We teach others how to treat us. So teach your mom. Both of you will benifit from it. But most of all, the children will be able to get the best of both worlds. Grandmothers can be special for kids, don't deprive them of that love. Work on it. It won't come easy, but every day, talk about it with her. Keep praising her as you keep setting boundries. She needs to know that her job as the parent has changed. This can be hard for moms to learn. One day you will have to back away to allow your children to grow, and will realize just how hard it can be. I never had a mom, the state took me away when I was 9mo, and I went to live with my dad. I wish I had had the problem that you do. Good luck to all of you. This can be a blessing in disquize.

I think I nipped it in the but when it first started. I'd walk in there door w/ a hungry infant. She'd snach her up and walk away w/ her as I was saying shes hungry. And I couldn't get her back till she was crying to nurse. I'd invite mil in to visit while baby nursed first, then said she could hold her all day. But it wasn't till she saw how much it hurts to nurse a baby that hungry that she could listen. Or when my daughter was 1 and didn't like sticky hands. My MIL would notice them b4 my daughter, and point out her hands were dirty and go to wash them. I explained I couldn't do that all day, that it wasn't healthy behavior to get her in either. And to remember how sticky her kids had been. I got them to encourager her to get dirty (and we still do!) Then we moved on to food, they give her anything they she looked at. I'd have to pipe up does that have (list of things I won't feed my family.
So I guess my best advice is to talk to her about the issue. And include her in how you do things. Like "I know your not here much, the kids are used to XXX routine. It works for us because... Would you like to help?" Maybe plan out a menu for the time she's there, because then you don't over shop. Or because theres no argument over who wants what to eat"
And now my MIL says ask your mama if it's ok. I love it, and they know I'm happy to let them help.
Good luck, and remember to breath. A. H

You might consider reading the Boundaries books.. that helped me.

My mom is at times very overbearing, it drives me nuts. She has gotten somewhat better over time, but mostly only to my face. She was actually living with us for 8 months and I thought I was going to keel over from the stress of having her here. I love my mother, I'm glad to have her in my life and my kids' lives, but I just wanted to choke her some days when she was here. She comes over and does dishes or matches socks if she watches the kids to help out and that is nice and appreciated - she knows she doesn't need to. However, she does get over-wrapped up in the kids' lives quite a bit. We've had huge fights over what activities we will and will not allow the kids to sign up for, etc. She tries to pull the "I miss the kids" guilt trip on me quite a bit. I don't doubt that she does, but she does get to see them at least several times throughout the week, and honestly more than that and her over-attachment to them starts going back to the point where it is unhealthy for all involved. She has literally taken toys away from them (and later "lost") toys we have bought them that she doesn't like. I bought my son a complete set of Magic School Bus books and he happened to go to Grandma's after school that day - he hasn't seen them since. She was very verbally (occasionally physically) abusive to us when we were young, and the more time she spends with the kids consecutively, the more she starts treating them like she did us. When she was here, she would randomly decide she was going to "add" punishment to whatever their father and I dished out when they were being disciplined. (for example, we told 3yr old who didn't finish dinner no treats or juice and then when the kids were all watching a favorite movie an hour or so later, she just randomly turned off the movie and made the 3yr old leave the room for not eating. Yelling at him the whole time. She would try to discipline my kids when I was standing right there and had no problem with their behavior (she ripped my son a new one for playing with a cardboard box!) going as far as smacking my 3yr old's mouth for telling me he didn't like me anymore which doesn't really upset me. I feel he has a right to express his feelings, and my response is that my job is to help him be a good person - not to be someone he always likes, but I love him anyway. Now, if he's totally out of control with the mouth that's something else, but she was literally going after him for something that I had no problem with and I was standing right there! When I got upset that she was yelling at the toddlers again for trying to play with a game she had walked away from for 40 mins. that she knew they wanted to play, she told my daughter I was just being a "b*t**" and I snapped. I said (as matter of factly and non meanly as I could) that she had every right to feel however she wanted about me, but that she was sitting in my house, eating my food, talking to MY children, and that I resented her attempts at disciplining my children in my own house. She was angry and passive agressive for awhile and I let her stew in it for an hour or so to give the message time to sink in (and for me to appreciate how good it felt to finally get that off my chest!) before I went back and told her a funny story of something the kids did to lighten the mood. She did get a little better after that. The disciplining my kids, and literally grabbing things I was working on out from underneath my hands so she could "take over" was driving me nuts! I tried to respect my mom's need to feel useful and "help" but there is a counter balance there and at times (many times, lol) she was failing to improve or enjoy her own life/friends/errands because she was over-involved in mine. She needed to feel that she was offering something. I tried to make her feel valued a little more often too after I came to that realization. Maybe just tell her how much you appreciate her help, but you realize it keeps her from really living her own life the way she's earned the right to when she is helping you all the time, and besides, you really enjoy the joys (and frustrations) of caring for your family yourself. However you decide to handle it, it is important for everyone that you do it as soon as possible. (And as nicely / respectfully as possible) My mom situation was seriously affecting my health - I was having problems with major heart palpatations, etc, caused by the stress. My doctor just told me yesterday that the prolonged nature of the stress could have caused lasting changes in the way my heart functions and "stressed" the importance of trying to keep prolonged stresses out of my life. So be brave, and know you'll both be happier after you talk about it. Your mom is just a person who wants the best for the people she cares about - no matter how "inappropriately" she may be expressing it..

Luckily my overbearing Mother lives far away. However when she is here, it is difficult to say the least. I am also pretty head strong, so you can imagine. As the kids get older it is easier, but when they are young, you need to be as direct to her as she is to you. I told the kids,in front of Mom, that I am in charge and I set thhe rules. I do things differently than my Mom. I work 50 hours a week, she stayed home. So our routine and my expectations on some things are very different. Try to take charge on the important things. Choose your battles and I'm guessing there will be many. For instance, my Mom would make something for dinner she likes and I would have to change the menu knowing my children weren't going to eat it and she would get angry. I would rather have her upset with me for a few minutes than yell at the kids for not cleaning up their plates and the whole starving children in Ethiopia speech. However she also believes that you must wear PJ's to bed and I let a clean t shirt and shorts go. Not a battle that is critical when she is visiting. The more you challenge her on the key issues, the more your kids will know who is in charge. Boundaries are great, but hard to establish without a few headaches and tears. I feel your pain! Let's just make sure our daughters don't have to deal with this.

If your mom is new at grandmothering, let me tell you - there is a real adjustment period. Grandmas like to take this as a 2nd chance to do things right. Sounds like your mom is a pretty controlling person anyway, so anything you can do to affirm her and help her feel more secure in her role will be good. She doesn't get what her role is supposed to be. She thinks she's doing what's best for your child and probably doesn't realize she's making it about her. Mothers and daughters often have struggles. Their own identities are so much at stake! What you don't want is to hurt her so that she pulls out altogether. I have friends who have done this with their grandkids because they felt unappreciated/criticized/hurt by their grown kids. It's a tough situation. Somehow you want mom to become your ally and support your parenting. She may fear that you will not parent well and it'll be her fault. If she had this experience with her mom or mom-in-law, maybe you can gently discuss that with her but not in an angry moment. Humor might help. Maybe she'll find other interests to focus on - you could encourage that. Kids need a lot of attention but unless you're not available for some reason, you need to be the designated Mom.

Happy Mother's Day!

How wonderful for me to see your posted question! I am in the same position you are and I've been a parent for 13 years. Only, I live with my parents and my 3 girls becuase of my divorce. So, my mother is so involved it kills me. If she doesn't agree with the way I discipline my kids, I feel it for a few days. Nothing I do is ever good enough, everything has to be her way. But, my decisions in the past has landed me in this situation and my parents are awesome and took us back in and are land contracting me a foreclosure we just bought and are in theprocess of fixing up. So, I feel like I can't say anything. My mother is so helpful intaking my kids to and from school, she even volunteers at thier school. She is my babysitter, I work nights. So, I suck it up and hate her for a few days out of the week. Like right, now. We aren't talking. I know this isn't advice on how to deal with it, just letting you know I feel your pain.