Help W/ Teen Boundaries

I have no teenagers yet, but I was raised in a very "strict" Christian household. I remembered liking boys at age 10, but started wanting to date probably around age 13...

Well, because my mother was SO strict I was frightened to talk to her about ANYTHING relating to sex(which I knew NOTHING of), boys, dating, etc... I was also really shy, so I did not dare even talk to a boy I liked. BUT- the impression that my mom gave me of being entirely "intolerant", caused me to not even tell her the day I got my period! (which so coincidentally happened on the first day of school @ a new school, where I knew NO ONE).

I was a very responsible girl in high school: great grades, NO interest in sex (just interest in spending time with boys), NO interest in drugs, etc... and I felt that my mother was not even giving me a chance to show her that I WOULD be responsible in certain situations. Well, I didn't go on dates, go to parties, etc... As I got to be an older teen, no matter what guy would ask me out, I'd turn them down. EVERYONE thought I was a snob- when in fact I was super fearful of my mother. It also turned out to be that I would not talk to her about ANYTHING, because I thought that she was so judgmental and un-trusting...

Well, my point is that be careful to always give your kids the impression that even though they are not allowed to do things a lot of other kids can do (because it is definitely a fact that there are kids younger than yours doing WAY worse, unfortunately), that they can always talk to you about things, and not feel that they are "bad" for even wanting to kiss someone (because that IS very NATURAL at their age). Just also make sure they know WHY you are setting these boundaries.

Be VERY open with them! And PLEASE let them think that you trust them!!! It could backfire on you (hopefully not), and then they will hide things from you at all times possible. I remember high school too clearly (I hated it), and knew of kids that literally go "all the way" in the bathroom, under the stairs, anywhere- kids that age are very smart in the ways of being sneaky. Keep everything open and let them know that you trust them! -While STILL keeping your guidelines! They do seem to be a bit strict, but at that age they need the guidance- it's MUCH better than allowing them to do whatever they want to, because at that age hormones take over, and they have the "I'm invincible" mindset.

Again, keep communication open, tell them that they are not "bad" for wanting to kiss or do other things with their current "interests", but that they need to practice self control, etc. Tell them about how much you love your husband, but that certain things are reserved for marriage or adulthood (whichever you think). They need to see that you understand them, and such...

I don't know all of what you have told them, I'm just coming from the end the spectrum of what happens when you AREN'T trusting or open in a strict environment...

Hope this is helpful. Sorry for the loooong explanation

Rebecca

Hi L.,
In my opinion, you should let them have their experiences right now, while they're under your roof and you're able to guide them through the first girl/boyfriend, heartache, etc. Allowing them this opportunity, WITH RULES, will help them trust you, help you trust them and strengthen your relationship. Trust yourself that you and your husband have instilled good values and they have learned to respect themselves. Talk to them about how to maintain self-respect while in a relationship and how they have a responsibility to themselves to respect your rules while in a relationship.

This is a huge part of the maturation process and they really need the comfort of home in which to experience it. Denying them the opportunity may only make them hide it from you. And for the record, I do NOT believe that teenage boy/girlfriends should have sex or that you should allow things you're truly uncomfortable with. I think the process of dating should begin while you can really have more control over it and, when they're 16, I don't know that you will.

I hope this makes sense! Good luck and I hope you, your husband and your kids can reach an agreement you all can live with happily.

D.

I understand where you are coming from and your concerns. I have 14 and 18 year old daughters. I was very protective of my 18 year old so much so that she couldn't wait to leave at age 18 (and did.) Things are different with my 14 year old and we have a very open line of communication between us. I think that it is VERY important that defined boundaries are set and don't let those lines get blurred. I know from my experiences with my older daughter it was often times much easier to just cave in rather than fight for what I knew was right. Big Mistake..It's not easy but we are the parents and contrary to what the kids think, we are only looking out for their best interest. Some day they may even thank us:)

With boys and girls at such a young age, and hormones raging, it's best to keep them out of any situation that may lead to more then they are ready for. I too work full time and it's tough but you sound like you already are doing all the right things. Good Luck.

L.,
Wow....Rebecca advice sounds so good I wish I would of heard it when my 23 yr old was younger. She is RESPONSIBLY going through some of that now. She has moved out and is doing wonderfully. Hormones are there and real and do just need ,,,,,,,,,,guidance and learn to control like Rebecca said. Prayers, :)
K.
Oh yes.....a good book for your girl (or boy) is "I kissed dating good bye" by Josh McDowell?
ITS AN EXCELLENT BOOK AND ON THERE LEVEL