Help - My Overbearing MIL Is Driving Me Crazy!

Ha! I think you have my MIL!!! At least you know you aren't alone. We lived with her for several months last Christmas because we had septic issues. I finally told my husband that I would rather live in a box under a bridge than with her and we got out. Me standing up to her does nothing. It has to come from my hubby.

This sounds like one of those things you need to just take in stride, in other words let her words go in one ear and out the other. Let her think that she is always right, it might even change her a little. The more you rub her the wrong way, the more domineering she will be! Be better than her, just to keep the peace.

I just saw this posting and I LOVE IT!!! we need a board for MIL's FROM HELL...If there is one already pleae let me know I feel so much better knowing that I am not the only mother out here with a MIL from HELL!!!

While I do agree with your husband that this paying to have a new garbage disposal is somewhat of a nice gesture, no one likes to have a gift forced on them. I have been married to the same man for 23 years and we have had similar problems with my in-laws over the years. I have been given countless gifts that I will never use or that I really didn't need. One year I got a microwave and the one I had was just fine. One year I got a keyboard, because my husband and I were very active in our choir. Neither one of us plays piano. I have been given countless pieces of advice I didn't ask for or need. My husband had the same problem yours does. He doesn't always want to confront them on the issues. I don't feel like it's my place to. Besides sometimes things said by a son are looked over and forgiven, where they aren't by a Daughter-in-law. In defense of my in-laws though, they are good people and I know they mean well. They just want the best for us, it just isn't always the right thing for us. There are times that your husband does need to curtail the situation, but sometimes it is wise to pick your battles. As for the breast feeding issue, she obviously doesn't know what's best for your baby. The medical profession says that nursing is best for your baby. Doctor's don't even advise taking your child off of the bottle until 12 months and if nursing is so disgusting then she needs to talk to God about that one. Women have been nursing their babies since Adam and Eve. I know it can sometimes be hard, but try and look for the good things. Continuing to dwell on the bad stuff can only cause bitterness inside you and strife between all of you. That's just wasted energy. Take it from me kids can feel the vibes.

Wow!! MIL is sure a hot topic...everyone is responding! Well I have to add my 2 cents also. 1st of all she doesn't sound like a very easy person to get along with, but she is still part of your family which is something you can never get rid of. I really don't think you should take the garbage disposal back because next time she comes to visit you can bet she will be looking for that gift she bought you. I know you didn't want it, but is it really that big of deal to keep it? I also know that it's not just this incident that has caused problems between you two, but If you want peace in your household you should keep it. If you put yourself in her shoes for a minute (you have two boys that I'm sure you love and are very protective of) that's how she feels about your husband. She is part of a very different generation who act all tough on the outside but inside they really mean well. If you treat her with kindness despite her nastiness it will be better for your entire family. It took me years to become close with my MIL, but I just worked at it and overlooked rude comments and unwanted advice. Oh yeah the best, best advice I can give you is to pray for her and your relationship with her. We can't change people but God can. put your trust in Him and let Him do all the work. Believe me He is very capable!!! Good luck and God Bless

Mine is also a witch. This is how I deal with her after 10 years of marriage:

Accept the gifts. They're yours and they're free. It doesn't matter if MIL or Satan (same deal) gave them to you. You get a new disposal out of the deal, which rocks. If she gives you stuff you don't like, sell it on Ebay. I've made a few thousand dollars in profit selling things that we told her we don't need and she sends them anyway.

Control her access in your life. We have limited MIL's visits to 2x a year. Period. And those are limited to a 3 day weekend, no more. She doesn't like it, but my blood pressure can't handle more than that.

You need to have your DH on board and act as a team, that's crucial. DH didn't believe all the nasty stuff MIL had said/done to me until she told him he was a "bad son" when he had to deploy to Iraq - seemed they had surprise plans to visit us that summer and he just ruined everything by being deployed! We stopped talking to them for a year after that, and they have been walking on eggshells ever since. Seems the balance of power has been shifted.

The main point - no one can walk all over you without your permission. You need to sort out what you will and will not accept from her, get DH on the same terms, and stand your ground. If you both agree that her comments regarding nursing are offending, then tell her if you hear those words in your house again, she will have to leave. And enforce it. Right now, it sounds like she's doing whatever she wants and gets away with it. I say screw bloodlines. You wouldn't take this from a total stranger, you make sure MIL knows that it's not welcome in your home - period.

Okay Ladies, let's put this into perpective... We all have MIL issues. Some are worse than others and at times they all make us want to rip out our hair and scream at the top of our lungs. This should be powerful knowledge and we should use it to our advantage. We all know going into any given situation that our MIL's are crazy, so "let 'em have it". That's right, just let them have the last word. I know that some of you are probably saying, "She must be crazy!" or "Her MIL must not be as bad as mine". The truth is that my MIL could compete with Satan! She is manipulative, selfish, coniving, and to top it off she is Bi-Polar. CRAZY!! I could go on for hours with horror stories, but it is pointless. Nothing I do will ever change who she is and what she does. But no matter how bad things have been in the past, when she offered to buy our crib when we were expecting our first (and only, so far!) son, you bet your bottom I let her pay! So take the gift and consider it a small reward for putting up with her. I know it isn't easy, but if you can let it go and be the bigger person, it will make you so much happier. There is something to be said for the old "sticks and stones" theory. Just know in the back of your mind that every battle you "forfeit", and every argument you let her "win", only makes you a better person and a happier wife. Enjoy any gifts those crazy woman will give, it may be the only positive thing you ever get from that relationship!!!

I would give you an analysis much like Tammy's with your choices outlined. I have very similar issues in my family. I would add this to Tammy's suggestions. I suggest you turn over dealings with your MIL to your husband, since it is his family. I know your initial reaction is "easier said than done," but you can ignore most comments and remind yourself that it is his problem to deal with, not yours. Regarding the disposal, I would take a deep breath, perhaps send a "thank you" card, in which you let her know that you "appreciate" her thoughtfulness in ordering a disposal, but you question whether such an expensive gift is appropriate, given the fact that you would not have spent that amount yourself for a basic disposal. Then say that you discussed it with your husband, and you will leave it up to him whether he wants to keep the gift or cancel the order. Period. Nothing more. I would explain to your husband that it's his family and he is much more adept at dealing with them than you, since he has had years of experience, so you are washing your hands of this situation and you leave it up to him to handle. And stick to that. If he keeps the $500 disposal, it will be him that needs to be indebted to her; not you -you made it clear that it is not something you would have recommended, but you leave it to be between the two of them. The end. Don't get sucked in to their family issues; I am sure you have enough of your own.

My MIL comes every year for those Holidays and spends her time critizing how I don't have my kitchen equipped like Martha Stewart - it's just so hard for them to dress up the dinner and cook it the way they want when I don't have all the right stuff. (She and my SIL gang up on me) I take deep breaths and suggest that if they need something special they need to bring it with them; my kitchen is as is; and they are welcome to buy as Christmas gifts anything they feel I need for my kitchen. I could go on and on considering I have two sets of very young twins and am hardly set up for entertaining the way they expect, but I just leave that stuff to my husband to deal with and try to go on with my life; I have enough problems.

good luck.

I completely understand your frustration. The hardest thing for me was trying to tame my temper in response to the multitude of nasty behaviors. Don't fight back, just laugh and let it slide. Watch that movie called Monster in Law, maybe you will feel better. Keep in mind that she is bored and she would love to find things "wrong" with you. Don't take it personally! She probably wants to make you look less than adequate in order to heighten her thrown. Bite your tongue and don't fight back. Your husband is what is important, and anything you say about his mother could potentially hurt his feelings and just make you look even worse. Family politics is never fun, but if you just go with the flow and try not to stick out with any harsh comments, then you will find that your husband will eventually notice. Hey, maybe you could send her a "To Do List", since she is so eager to help out. As for nursing your child, do what you feel is right. It really is not a direct concern of hers anyway. Keep your chin up!

Dont have any advice but I feel your pain.I cant stand my mother in law.My husband oesnt like to hear about it either.I really over did it one day we decided that if something happened to us our son would go to his aunt and uncle and we decided to make a will.I didnt just want to put that our son would go to his aunt I also wanted it to say that no matter what he wouuld not go to my mother in law.My husband was not to thrilled with that sugestion.He said it was heartless and I told him if I was laying on my death bed I would tell her to her face to stay away from my baby. So good luck with yours if you find out how to get rid of yours let me know.just kidding

It sounds like your MIL has a real problem listening & respecting your wishes as an adult. Perhaps a case of 'Mommie knows best" gone awry. The fact that she went out & made a purchase you had already indicated was not needed, without consulting you or your husband shows that she has little respect for either of you. I would say she needs to grow up & realize that niether of you are children nor need to be told what to do & how to do it.

My gosh you sure have gotten a lot of response! lol. Ok-my thought is if this is 'just her'-take it. Some people are just like that and she might have thought she was being nice/helpful. Of course you did say there is history so of course none of us can give you a complete answer one way or the other since we don't know the past. One thing to look out for-I know with my mother in law if she does something 'nice' for you when you need it-she will be expecting it back! We've had a really hard time this year financially and she give us money or do something for her. Now that we're back on our feet she's sending me 'reminders' every now and then of how much we owe her. Come to find out... anytime she bought us something like a gallon of milk or just something petty...she was adding it all in. Not that that was wrong but ...like you said 'history'...It just drives me nuts. I told my husband we are never borrowing from them again or asking for help of any kind. As everyone else-I could go on and on about my MIL issues.

I say as long as there aren't any ties-take it and leave the issue alone.
Good luck and update us with what you do ;)

Okay, this might be a little painful, but you HAVE to hear this. Unless your MIL purchased your house and is paying your bills, she needs to back off, PERIOD!! And if your husband doesn't back you up 100%, then he needs a talking to, a serious one. I've been in your shoes before, and I had to stand my ground for what I believe in. She didn't come around for a while, and it was nice when she didn't, so it didn't hurt my feelings at all. Eventually, she wanted to see her grandbabies, and she called and asked if she could come over. From that moment on, she's never overstepped her boundaries. She knew I wasn't going to put up with her mind controlling ways, period.

I'm surprised your husband can't see what the real deal is here...... you need to think about all of this before it gets really, really bad and starts interferring with your marriage in a bad way.

Hope I've been some help!!

M.

Your MIL may have gone out and bought a very expensive disposal because she was embarrassed. There aren't many of us that like to look like a fool. She probably felt very foolish after she clogged your disposal and bought the other to cover up her feelings. As much as you might go head to head with the woman, remember that you are both human. :D

I didn't read all of the posts, but for what my two cents are worth, don't return the disposal. It would be a slap in the face to her and only further damage your relationship. Besides, be happy that you got a new appliance (whether it fits in your list of adds value or not. Free is free!)

Oh, no! She sounds like she is just trying to get on your nerves and be right about everything. I told my hubby that you are only supposed to put small amounts down the disposal at a time for it to work correctly (while he was peeling potatoes too!). He just said oh, I didn't know that. Most people don't apparently. Anyway, I nursed my son until he was almost three and his own pediatrician said she thought anything after one year was "weird". She doesn't even have kids! There are a lot of unsupportive people out there. But there are a lot who think what you are doing is great. You can find support groups for nursing moms online. As for your MIL, I say that even though you shouldn't have to, just take the high road. Let her put the new disposal and let her be right. She sounds like one of those people who go nuts if they are proven wrong. They always have to be right. Well, let her, at least you'll have some peace of mind for a while. Just avoid her for a while to give you some time to cool off. In the meantime, I applaud you for standing up for nursing your baby and not totally tearing into your MIL. :-)

Just some sympathy from me. I have MIL issues too. I would just blow the garbage disposal off and send her a thank you note.

The nursing comment would irritate me much more than the garbage disposal.

Hi A.,

I am not a counselor but this has worked for me and some of my friends. First, sit down with your husband when you are not angry and tell him you want to talk about how to improve the relationship with his mom. If you seem interested in improvement and not just a complaint it won't put him on the defensive about his mom. Decide what behavior the two of you can accept from her and what you cannot accept. For example...decide if you want to make the garbage disposal a big issue or let it go. I personally would be more unwilling to listen to her parenting advise. She sounds like she wants be disruptive and cause problems so I would not give her the satisfaction of doing so. You and your husbands relationship comes first, your children second, and everyone else third. You and your husband must form a united front and let her know what you will not tolerate. Another thing I do is listen to her advise, say thank you and then do what you want. If your husband is not willing to put you first and stand up to his mom then you have a whole other problem and I would suggest counseling before it gets out of hand. Good Luck and I hope this helps.

Mother-in-laws are supposed to be annoying. You just have to bite your lip and continue with your life. Let her pay for the disposal and then you won't be passing a crappy one off on some unsuspecting buyer when you sell your house.

I say this because we bought a house a few years ago and they didn't tell us about various things (kind of like you were planning to do with the garbage disposal) and we ended up having to fix a lot of stuff that we couldn't afford to. So, if anything, think about the fact that your buyer will get a new disposal and won't have to worry about replacing it themselves.

As for what she said about nursing your 10-month-old, that is just tacky. I would tell her what I think about that, but if she continues to argue, just let it go. You'll keep your sanity by keeping quiet and watching her lose hers!

What is your husbands stance on this issue? You can't fight them both and come out ahead. IF he is willing to back you up, you can always go to Home Depot and tell them to exchange the garbage disposal for something you need and have that installed (a new ceiling fan, etc.). Or you can refuse it altogether or let them install it. If you refuse it or change it, I'd be sure dh is standing firmly behind you. Been there - done that.

I laughed when I read this because I had the EXACT same argument with my mother and she ended up backing up our sink when I told her our disposal couldn't handle it! However, I would have loved it if she had bought me a new one. It certainly can't hurt to have a new one. Accept it and say thank you, then move on. I have found what works is if she says something that annoys me, I just agree with her instead of trying to argue my point. Then the conversation is over and we can move on to something less annoying!

Hi A.,

I too have had to deal with a controlling MIL. So, I know what you mean by history. I don't think that you are overreacting. She could have at least ask you if you wanted a new disposal. In a situation like this you have to decide whether it is worth the fight, if you speak your mind. It will work out a lot better for you, if you and your husband present a united front. So, you either need to make him understand how you feel or let this one go and wait for a situation where he disagrees with her too.

I have been married for 12 1/2 years. That whole time I have been putting up with my MIL and her tricks because I know that the argument (you know, the one where I argue that she does not get to say what goes on in my life) would end the relationship. Finally, this year when I got tired of her treating my two kids unfairly I stood up to her. She verbally attacked me. My husband backed me up. We packed up the kids, left her house (we were there on a visit) and have not spoken to her since. I cannot change her. She will not listen to reason. So, the only thing that I can do is give her incentive to change (by ignoring her). I have to tell you though, that I want so bad, to call her and yell at her. That would just reinforce her defences though, so I took all of her phone numbers out of my cell phone.

I am not sure if any of this helps you. But, I feel for you. MILs can do some pretty unbelievable things.

Please, do not let her interfere with your nursing relationship with your new baby. Her, trying to stop you from nursing a baby IS UNDENIABLY out of line.

A.,

Your mother in law seems like a real tool. My step mom used to be so horrible as well, and it took us moving from Colorado to Texas for us to get along well. A little insight here... When we both lived in the same neighborhood (or state), it was like we were competing for my day (her husband). When I moved away, the competition was gone. Maybe your MIL feels like you took her little boy away.

Anyway. I, being removed from the situation, can plainly see that she is not a nice person for you to be around. However, perhaps she realized her mistake and wanted to make up for it - and this is the best thing she felt she could do. She probably will never let you live it down... but that seems like her personality.

Please understand that I am on your side here. But maybe, just maybe, it is her attempt to say she is sorry.

Good luck dealing with that woman! When you move in a year, maybe you should consider moving out of state! :)

WOW......I AM BLESSED

I have been with my hubby 22 yrs, married 19 on New Years Eve. I have NEVER met my MIL

Hubby has not seen her since he was 13. He is 50 now.

We can count our lucky stars! Thank you.

NOW.....LOL.....He would not have many (any) positive things to say about his MIL either.....LOL

We are in the same boat....we just have each other.

Susan

Hi A.,

Here's an idea. Take the freakin'disposal, but return the installation for cash. Pocket the cash for whatever you want (an xmas gift for yourself, perhaps) and take the disposal to your new house with you or sell it on ebay.

Or see if you can keep the installation until you get your new home (especially if it's a really good disposal and the house you're buying is not new) and have it installed there.

Or, tell your husband you appreciate her generosity, but you would rather put the money towards your new home, but you don't want to hurt her feelings, so you don't want to tell her you're going to return it for something else. Tell him she will still be doing a really "sweet" thing for the two of you and it'll make her feel so good to think y'all actually installed the thing. And you want to send her a lovely thank you and feel really good about it.

Girl, I had the same problem with my MIL. She knew how to get to me in a way that my husband was oblivious to. He would say, she's just an old woman, don't be bothered. Or that's just the way she is, or she didn't mean anything by that. She is the ONLY thing we ever fought (notice past tense) about. We almost got divorced, but instead my MIL is simply not invited back into our home.

I can't really offer you any advice. It just worked out for me, b/c they ARE really old, they live in Scotland and traveling is difficult for them (they used to come for a month at a time!) I just want to validate you. I used to feel the same way - that people just didn't understand, b/c everything she did was small. But in combination, they were huge. I started a bitching and moaning blog for my own sanity. It was my little secret and no names were used.

Let me give you some examples of what she used to do: Everything American is terrible (that was her way of insulting me under the table, so it wasn't directed to me, per se and everyone would think I was just so sensitive, but I knew exactly who she was insulting: history, right?).

This is just one lunch my husband, me, my mil and fil had. I was using a fork to cut my pizza, b/c my other hand was busy with my 6 mth old at the time. I don't know how you Americans can eat like that she said. I said nothing. My oblivious husband said, Oh, yea, mom, actually, Americans think the way we eat is rude (which I never said). She was furious and screamed WELL, I THINK THAT'S RUDE! pointing to my plate with her fork - classy. Her face was red. I said nothing. Then my husband began talking about nose surgery he had years before. He happened to have a different girlfriend at the time. My MIL chimed in with what a wonderful girl that was. She took such good care of you, etc, etc, freakin' etc. She's never had a kind word for me. I said slightly sarcastically, she sounds wonderful. She said very loudly, and emphatically BY GOD SHE WAS! with every ounce of hate in her voice. My husband, still clueless. I happen to know though, that my MIL told that woman that her son would never marry her - sweet. Next, dessert. My husband says well, there's this, that and pie. Honey, she says, YOU HAVE THAT PIE! She did not want me to have it. He says Mom, I think there are two pieces. THERE'S ONLY ONE PIECE AND YOU HAVE IT! There wasn't anything out of her mouth when I was around that wasn't a dig at me. And then, very cunningly, when I wasn't there, she would compliment me to my husband, so she could say, what? I don't feel that way about her. She's so sensitive.

She turned all of the dishes upside down in the cupboard. She would clean out the dishwasher at the end of the night with a towel, iron everything including socks, underwear, etc, and then tell her husband how lazy I was for not doing those things, but only loud enough for me to hear, not my husband. Grrr!

The thing is, she was so good at getting me and she wouldn't stop until I got mad and blew up or started playing her game back and then complained about how awful I was. It was shocking.

If I had to continue being around her, I would stop complaining to my husband, b/c they just don't get it. And start letting her show her true colors. If she is anything like my mil, she will up the ante when you don't respond to her jabs. She will work long and hard at getting to you. In the meantime, try to let your husband know in a non-threatening way, what she's up to. Tell your husband, you didn't know what your mother meant when she said this or did that. What does he think she meant, but generally act as though you don't understand, not as though you're mad in any way. Kill her with kindness, not to do the right thing or any of that nonsense, b/c that doesn't work with people like this. I've tried it all. I mean, if naming your baby after your mil doesn't do it, nothing will ( I still regret that, b/c it didn't work)! Do it b/c it will infuriate her. Do it often in front of your husband, so he can't blame you for being the bad guy and watch her freak out. It will make her crazy when you lavish her with love and affection. The true beast will emerge. You'll enjoy it and hopefully, she'll screw up and show her true colors to your husband. There was nothing more rewarding than when my husband finally started to see what was going on seven years later even if just a little.

I hope that helps in some small way. Just know, I have been there and it is so hurtful, especially when your husband doesn't get your back. If he had, even in private, she wouldn't have gotten to me so badly. Try not to let this affect your relationship too badly. Reach out to others who understand and will validate you, so you don't go to your husband for comfort. I don't think they're capable of understanding when their overbearing mothers have them wrapped around the proverbial finger. The good news is overbearing mothers do sometimes make really good husbands for us if you can work out this little kink. Take care.

I say that just like your kids you've got to pick your battles wisely or you'll just be getting into a power play. and hey cool, you've got a new disposal that you can list as a selling point when you go to sell your house. Personally, I would just call and thank her and just let it go. Who knows, by thanking her you might just make the relationship just a little better. Sounds like she's honest with you regarding her feelings and you're taking it personally. So what if she spends the money for a disposal, you didn't spend a dime on the gift, so what if she doesn't agree with how long you breastfeed your child. It's ok to disagree.

I know how your feeling. I also had an overbearing MIL and a husband that was such a momma's boy he would not back me up. We are now divorced and the woman is still up my .....I would tell home depot you don't want it and please return the money.

Have you ever seen Gilmore Girls? Because she sounds just like the mom on the show. I agree with you because when my husband and I first got married we also had an issue with the garbage disposal. He was peeling potatoes and he puts all the peels down the drain, when I saw that, it absolutely irritated me because they were thick peels. I tell him not to do that because it will back up and to just throw it in the trash can. We argue about it, but still he does as he wishes. So, you can guess what happens next, let me tell you something, you where lucky, because we actually had a pipe break because of it. He calls his co-workers to try and find a plumber and "they" tell him that he's crazy, that's you're only supposed to put stuff down that is easy to break down or only a little bit at a time. He goes to work the next day and gets the whole lecture all over again. He apologizes and we have never had that problem again. I hate it when others try to interfere with my family life. It's not the fact that your MIL bought a new garbage disposal, it's the fact that she did it knowing how you felt about it. In times like this, I like to remember how much I love my husband, and if it wasn't for that love, I'd be the one giving my MIL BS.

As Dr Phil would say, "Someone needs to be the hero in this relationship." You could send her a thank you note, with no negative comments in it and never mention the garbage disposal EVER. It's very hard to let these things pass, but for your sanity and your family's happiness, just let it go. Everyone has opinions, many let you know what they are and others take them to heart. Just let them go in one ear and out the other. Just try and laugh off what she says... you're doing a great job with your family and you know it!

I'm mean. You could always reply: "Whatever you say, dear MIL, I'll be sure to keep all this in mind when we pick out your nursing home." And walk away with a smile.

On a more friendly note, you can't control her, you can only have influence on yourself. When she meddles, walk away with a smile. You don't have to hear her out. Just say, "excuse me" and walk away. I've found that with my ILs, I just have to make myself scarce.

If she follows you, go to your bedroom and lock it or go for a long walk. If she still follows you, ask her how she likes the weather. If she gets angry, tell her that while you understand she has an opinion, you don't necessarily want to hear it and it might be best to go to your husband if she wants an immediate response.

Everyone who's responded has some great advice. You just have to find what works for you.

Good luck. Sounds like you'll need it with her. Ugh....

I don't blame you at all. My husband has his own Home Repair Business, I worked for a Master Plumber for awhile and your new disposable won't be lasting very long if she is going to put lots of potato peelins down it. You are right, it's not just your disposal but most will get backed up under those circumstances. I can also see with you selling your house $500 could probably be put to better use. I was very lucky, my ex-Mother in Law, never interferred, even with raising her grandkids, only gave her opinion when asked. My current Mother in Law of 15 years, the same. I also try & act the same with my DIL. When it comes down to it, it's your Husbands job to help bring you both to some kind of happy medium and if he doesn't understand your feelings now??? But don't give up, at this point it probably does sound like to him up you are nit picking because bigger problems are underneath. I thought you were really trying, when you said You didn't care if she fixed her sweet potatoe's just please don't back up my disposal. I have absolutely no answers or advice for you. Just wanted to tell you, you do have a legitimate gripe. Best luck & Hope you have a Merry Christmas!
R. M

I think two things could have happened...One, she did step over the line and should have not bought the disposal or two, she felt really guilty and embarrased for not listening to you when you told her to only put a few peels down at a time so she is compensating by buying you a new disposal. I think that you should let this one pass, even though it can be irritating, because it wont hurt anything if you do let it pass and your husbad will see that you can let the small issues go by the way side so that in the future when a bigger and more important issue occurs you can take a stand and he will stand by you and not think you are overacting again.

OK I see that you have gotten over 40 responses, but I still wanted to respond. I also have a very over bearing MIL, she wasn't over bearing until I had our son. She always tried to tell me how to raise him and everything I did was wrong. I finally decided to confront her (through email so I could say EVERYTHING). She responded back to me that she never meant to cross the bounderies. Things were better for a while, but I she still over steps bounderies sometimes. My husband also defends what she does, saying she didn't mean it like that, or shes only trying to help. I'm sure you have heard them all. I finally had to decided she wasn't worth my stress, and that things she did bothered me more because of our history. I know some stuff she would say or do, if my mom had done it I wouldn't be as mad. I don't want to say you don't have the right to be mad, I just don't think the stress from her is worth you time or energy. I hope this helps I know exactly how you feel, I read you question and it looked exactly like something I have said.

Take care

I would thank her for the disposal and tell her that the new owners are going to LOVE it!!! :)

WOW! I would be frustrated too! Honestly, I'd let her install the garbage disposal. Here's why. Its kinda like with our kids. We have to pick our battles. I dont think the disposal is one worth fighting. However, I would fight the battle about nursing a 10 month old!! That generation of mamas didnt nurse. They dont get it! Definately fight battles of what is best for your kids!! You are all they have to stand up for them!! I hope I have helped some and good luck!

Wow, I can't believe we all have the same MIL or as I used to refer to mine the "outlaw."
I really don't know where to start. I know exactly how you feel. My MIL would get on me about my house not being clean enough, dinner not being on the table when my hubby got home, my children not being bathed enough, our clothes not being pressed enough. The list goes on as does yours.
She infuriated me and created a lot of stress in my marriage ( mainly on my side).
In August of 2006 she was admitted to the hospital. She never came home. She passed away from a very short battle with Colon -Rectal cancer.
I can't tell you how much I miss her. That right there shocks me.. Because for all the stress she I allowed her to cause for me there are a few truths:
She loved my children desperately. She embraced my youngest who was diagnosed after birth with Down Syndrome. She loved me in her own weird way. She loved her son. Family was very important to her. She was very loyal to her friends and family.
I was asked to speak at her memorial. I had to get on my knees and ask God what to say about a woman I had spent the last nine years disliking for the most part.
I guess what I am getting at is life is short. ( she was diagnosed in May and was gone in August). Pick your battles and stand your ground. Let her know that this is your and your husbands home and together you make the decisions. That you respect her opinion and appreciate the input.
As far as the disposal goes, put it in. Keep the old one to re-install when you sell the home and take the new one to the new house. You never know you might enjoy the new disposal.
I know it is the principal of the thing. Just know her motives may not be a "evil" as you think. I know mine weren't.
Good Luck and God Bless.

The thought that comes to mind is what a sad life this woman has probably led. She can never be wrong, and she always has to be in control. Two impossible goals. You could spend the rest of your life fighting for control with her. Or, just reap the benefits of her behavior. She has to get you this new disposal OR admit she was wrong. The latter is not in her personality it seems. So, I'd would enjoy the new disposal. And, try in the future not to let her misery rub off on you. Good luck!

Hello!
I can hear and understand that she is annoying, oversteps boundaries etc, but since she did actually break your disposal I would totally accept her "gift" of replacing it without feeling odd about it.
Regarding her verbally saying its disgusting, unnecessary etc to nurse your 10 mo old baby! OMG! It sounds like she is one of these people that is really opinionated and vocal about her opinions. The biggest thing you can do is to continue to live your life exactly as you please with confidence and serenity!

Good luck!

A.- mom to Dominic (9) and Julian (7)

HOLY CRAP!!!!! I think our mother in laws are related! I can't stand mine either. Same type of person. There have been times where I would have loved to have gotton "the phone call". What I want to know is why our husbands have to be the ones that stand up to them? And why is it that they feel they can speak to us and treat us the way they do? Would they do that to a complete stranger? My MIL actually had the audacity to tell me that we couldn't move out here when I told her I was pregnant (military). Talk about having balls! And she was all offended the day I came home from the hospital after having my guts ripped open to have my daughter and took off to the bedroom to nurse. As far as I'm concerned I absolutly agree that she bought the disposal to be obstinate and undermining. Seeing as you DID tell her how you felt. Personally I would tell Home Depot they can keep their disposal and not say a word to the mil. It's going to be a fight whether you accept it or not. Hell I might even lie to her and tell her that this IS the new one even though it wasn't. And as far as nursing, there are two ways to go about all of that. As much fun as it would be to tell her to F off and get out of your milk ducts what I found that worked really well (although not as gratifying) was to look her in the face and say "This is my baby, and I will raise him as I see fit." It left her speachless. And now she doesn't say a word to me about how I do things with her. After my hubby and I almost divorced over the issue of HER. We came to the agreement of once a month phone calls (she lives in NH so luckily it's not so much on the visits.) And if she calls more than that I just don't answer the phone. She can leave all the messages that she wants I can delete them before I even hear them. Hunny good luck to you and I hope that all this advice from all the mommas works out for you. And if I find a magic cure for mother in laws I will let you know!

I feel your pain, in all definitions of the term. But I think the advice given here about leaving all dealings with your MIL to your husband is the best way to go in this case. Unfortunately I don't have the luxury you do in sending your MIL home. Mine lives with us so I know what you're feeling and then some. I find her giving "suggestions" when I don't want them and then she won't say a word when I genuinely want her opinion on something because it is something new for me. I have to almost beat it out of her. And of course my husband almost always takes her side. The few (and I mean very few) times he hasn't taken her side, he doesn't approach her about it. He just let's it go. Which of course like you drives me crazier as well. So my biggest piece of advice right now, IGNORE all her comments. Unless of course it is something worth listening to. And if all else fails, just log on right here and vent to your heart's content. That's what I do.

Even if you were 100% right this is not something to go to war over. Enjoy the new disposal and send her a nice thank you note. At least she is putting her money where her mouth is which could be so much worse--she could be coming to your house everyday just complaining about the disposal...she may have been a little embarrassed at Thanksgiving about the event and is trying to make it right. Just pray that she tries to use your washer and dryer at Christmas....or a new oven...or one of those big fancy stoves...

I say let her buy the disposal. She wishes she had paid attention to your request but does not want to admit this. You two are butting heads. Let her have this win. Maybe she will help in the future with other things that you do need or desire. Bot not WORTH the fight with her or your husband as long as she pays for it and gets a nice thank you. Really - be nice and say thanks. Some people walk through life angry and a win here and there makes all the difference. Mostly it will show your husband that you are not the BAD one. Just smile and say thanks to her - a phone call if you can stand it or write a note. Then move on to other things. NOT WORTH MESSING UP YOUR HOLIDAY OR YOUR MARRIAGE!

D.

Holy Cow!First of all it's NOT disgusting that you are still nursing your baby.She is just being ugly. 2nd-is your husband her baby, or only son? Just wondering cuz my hubby was the baby & boy did she let ya know it!! I would sit down with dh and have a looooonng talk! I would even consider writing down how you feel and telling him this in a letter-if he won't listen. If so, you just sit there quietly while he reads it and then discuss it. Men are always so sensitive about their moms and what ever you say, if you are the least bit upset(however vindicated you are) he is gonna see it as an attack on mom.
As far as the garbage disposal you have 2 choices: either take it and be thankful that the Lord sent you one and you didn't have to pay for it, or call H.D. and refuse it-then explain(or not) to mil that you said you didn't need one-appreciate the offer, but Hey, we don't want to do that right now. Personally, since this is Holiday season and you have to deal with her for Christmas as well, I would probably take it and thank her. But if you and your hubby can't work out between you 2 the feelings floating around about her, things are gonna be hairy everytime she comes around. I know I've been there.It gets to a place where you just put up with it and don't say any thing to keep peace. I feel for you!! Just remember this: what ever you say can never be taken back.

You are not over reacting. She obviously did this to get at you, or she would have talked to you about it. She obviously has no boundaries. Good luck.

A.,

Wow, have you got your hands full! Sounds a little like a control freak to me....however, I would just be the bigger person and accept the garbage disposal....so when it does the same exact thing that your last one does....when she fills it up with potato peels...then it will be her problem. I think all garbage disposals probably do this. I know I have seen it happen in one too many housholds, so I just put mine in the trash can.

I have a friend who is much like your mil...I feel sorry for her Sons wife, when he marries!

Again, just be the bigger person, and let her spend her money if whe wants to....I don't think its worth causing a family feud over. I do however realize that this might have been your breaking point.

Best of Luck!

Hi A. - wow - you're letter sure hit a nerve for lots of people! I agree with Tammy. Polite is the only way to go. I'm lucky with my MIL; it's my mom that's the alien (selfish almost to the point of being evil). it is frustrating to buy a home where something doesn't quite work right, so maybe it's ok to accept the gift- if it is a gift and she won't lord it over you. If the disposal seems too expensive, but you can't give the $ back to her, perhaps return it for a less expensive one and use the difference to tweak the house? Sometimes they want to be helpful and involved, and they screw things up in the process. Also, if she talks like you say, she may have REALLY bad social skills in general ; )

One thing I did with my dad (pretty rocky relationship when I was younger; Nothing in common, etc.) - I worked near his home for a while, so we did lunch once a month. I had to think of him as a peer that just happened to be my father. It worked! I was able to deal with things he said that seemed hurtful/insensitive (but were just his style of speaking, which was NOT my style at all). We have a really lovely relationship now, but it did take time. If it's possible for you, maybe something like that will help connect with MIL differently.

On the breastfeeding issue, neither my mother or grandmother breastfed. I don't live near them, so I don't know how they'd react, but I can tell you that they were HORRIBLY misinformed when they were younger. Formula companies worked hard and heavy to convince mom's that formula was better than breastmilk and it worked for several generations. She doesn't really get it. It freaks her out, and she may even feel bad about not breastfeeding her kids. Don't take this personally. Good luck!

*hugs* I KNOW your pain - between my MIL and my step-mother (both from the closest gates of hell) I have been in several situations close to the one you're talking about. First, with my SM, there has been tension from day one. I was grown, married and had my own kids before she married my father, but that hasn't stopped her from telling me how to behave, how to have a relationship w/ my father, how to parent my kids, etc. We had several brutal arguements for years, I even offered the slaughter calf and suggested we just agree to disagree - all to no avail. After ten years, I just snapped, the explosion was huge and now I get one, maybe two short, terse phone calls w/ my father a year. If we're in town, my sister plays taxi and takes my kids back and forth because she has forbidden me to step foot on her property. Lesson: If you snap and vent your rage - you may end up loosing another relationship attached to that one as well.

So, four years ago, I inherited my boyfriend's mother into our relationship. I'm pretty sure she's from the same spawn as my SM. No matter how meddling, whiny or condesending she becomes, I just tune her out. She adores me (so she tells everyone else) and I never cater to her. I accept her gifts and say thank you. I tolerate her presence with a smile at family gatherings, but 1) I do not invite her into my home 2) I minimize all other interactions. Honestly, I don't do this for HER, I do this for MY nuclear circle. I slipped up once and she whined to her daughter, her grandkids, anyone who would listen for several weeks and of course they all reported it directly back to me and my boyfriend.

Maybe they are lonely, depressed, psychotic - it doesn't matter because you cannot control the actions/reactions of someone else. I know you hate to bite the bullet, but I can say that it really is just easier to turn the other cheek. The more I fought with my SM, the more she'd come up with things to fight about. Now, I don't flinch with my MIL and she adores me and, most of the time, ignores me. Deep down I think your MIL wants attention and it doesn't matter how she gets it - she obviously never learned how to be a NICE functioning person. Since sending her to a therapist probably isn't in your budget, just be thankful she gave birth to your DH and that in turn led to your children. Blessed be.

OMG!!!! I have to say that I agree with you. Everyone should know that potato peels stop up the disposal. Yes, I have learned that the hard way by backing it up myself but when I told my roommate she acted as though that is common sense. So you are not crazy to tell her to do it in small amounts. That is also a little freaky that she called on her own to schedule a new one for you. That should be your choice and the least of her worries!

In regards to nursing. They say it's healty for the baby to do it for the first year. Most mom's can't but if you can, go for it! Your baby will be better off in the long run.

I don't think you're overreacting. The point is that you asked her to do something at YOUR HOUSE and she ignored you. That was disrespectful of her--it wouldn't have hurt her to do it the way you asked, nevermind how she's 'always done it' in the past.
But if she wants to blow $500, good for her! I say let her, and then take it back and buy whatever you want for your house.

Oh A.. Have I ever been there. My (soon to be ex) MIL was still buying my husband's underwear for her 37yr husband, hated that I nursed my very sick heart baby until he was 4yr (with doctor approval btw before I get THOSE letters lol) and would reclean my house the moment she stepped in the door. She had all the advice in the world how i should handle my 5 kids when all she had to deal with was one child who never left his room because of the cigarette smoke coming out of both his parents! I have 5 active children who don't have to worry about me or my (soon to be ex) husband smoking and love to play and interact. We were wrong to tell the other kids when my heart baby was on the brink of death (open heart surgery), we were wrong to tell them i was pregnant (in case something bad happened)..... and don't even get me started on how they would treat me around him.. I only say the previous to let you know I completely understand. Here's what I would do.. and have done in a modified way. My MIL makes it so no matter waht you say or do if she feels attacked and will cry and i get yelled at by my FIL who yells at my husband who will yell at me only because my FIL butted in. I would have a heart to heart with your husband. I would tell him that whether he thinks its valid or not, as your husband he is to help support you in the matters of the home since you are the one keeping the home for him. Tell him you know its hard to have to stand up to mama but you both need to be able to live your own lives. Tell him that you know the disposal is a wonderfully generous gift and you are tahnkful that this house is going to get one. Tell him taht you will allow it to be installed but the old on is going to be kept so when you move out this present will go with you (because you appreciate it and because if it really is to make your life better, you will want it in your new home anyway). Tell him too taht you want to have a discussion with your MIL and have him with you as a mediator. He needs to understand, however, in order for this to work he will need to try and be impartial and if ANY side is to be taken, he should be taking YOURs. Not because you think you are right and his mom is wrong. But because when he married you, he is charged with putting you ahead of his family. In a very real way, you and your children are his family now. (the Bible states "for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and teh 2 will become one flesh) You are his first priority. Let you MIL know in a non accusatory manner that this is your home to be made the way you want it made. She may not feel it is up to her standards, but that isn't your problem. This is your home and you and your husband decided to wait on the disposal since you have predetermined what would HELP your house sell. A new disposal would not be a selling point of the house.. All new appliances would be, but not just the disposal. Tell her that you will be taking it with you (if you are) so that the gift could be used to its fullest potential by you and your husband. Give her a list of the things you are planning on doing to your house and advise her if there is anything else she would like to help with, these are th first priority. If not, please check with you or your husband first before any purchases are made that would be better used in the new home. Your husband is going to have to back you up in order for this to work. I hope, for your sake, he can grow a pair and stand with you and not crumble in front of his mother. Its hard for guys to do taht, but... it is the choice they made when they decided to get married and have kids.

Hope this helps
L.

Take a very deep breath girlfriend. It's going to get worse. My father is 93 and living right across the street essentially alone. He is physically healthy and active and we have always had a solid relationship, but the kinds of things you are describing happen all the time. Only I don't get a new $500.00 garbage disposal.
(She's feeling guilty obviously and that is a GOOD thing.) Our latest fiasco was when Dad wanted to park his car in his driveway. The roofers working on his house had gone for the night leaving a huge dumpster blocking both sides of the driveway. I assured him that his car would be just fine in the street in front of my house and that if he tried to park partially in his yard, he would very likely pick up a nail because they hadn't swept the yard with their magnet device. Guess what. It just snowballed from there. Inspite of the fact that I personally called Goodyear about the tire, they managed to sell him some new brakes with the flat at 530PM AND break the motor in his back window somehow. When I ask him to trust me, he always, always says, "I do!"
You will, in the coming years be trading roles with your collective parents. If you're planning to stay with your man, you best work this out now with an eye on the future. Give a little, assert a little and get a handle on it!
The best "parents" stand solidly together on these issues.
My heart goes out to you,
C. S.

I imagine that she was probably extremely embarrassed and the new disposal and installation are about her trying to apologize and make things right in her own way. Try accepting her 'apology', responding with gratitude and grace and noticing if this shift in your own heart will somehow change the way the two of you respond energetically to each other. YOU have to change the way you respond to her - for yourself and your husband and your children.

Good luck. I had that same MIL and she won. Now she and her son and his new wife are peeling potatoes and doing homework and creating 'family' with my children and their new babies.

A.,

I know your frustrations with the MIL, I too have big isssues with mine. She gave us 10,000 when we moved into our new home and we didn't turn it down....now I feel like we are always having to "pay her back" in some sort of way (not money, but being nice and waiting on her hand and foot,yada yada). Thank goodness she lives several states away! Anyway, in your situation it's a bit different. I think if she wants to go and waste her money on a new disposal then let her. You already told her that you didn't care for a new one so you won't have that guilt of having to repay her on your shoulders. She didn't happen to ask for reimbursement did she?

I'm sure DEEP DEEP DEEP DEEP down she did it out of love and not purely selfish, meddling reasons. :)

Do some research on passive aggressive and/or narcissistic personality disorders and you are likely to find your MIL there. Further, if you find her there, you'll likely find her offspring there. There will also be hints on how to relate to them. Difficult, at best.

Well... you may not like what i have to say, but it sounds like she realized she made a mistake and is trying to make ammends. Perhaps rather than judging her, you should talk to her. I am not saying you are wrong. I am saying... if she is trying to change, or fix things, you should give her a chance.
Do I like her way of doing things? NO
I think, however, you and your husband should coach her so that you dont' have to feel so badly about her as she is going to be around for a while.
Simply put... perhaps you should say "you know, we really appreciate the gesture, however, it would have been much nicer had you listened to begin with. AND, in the future, if you could speak with us before you order/pay for something of this sort, it would be best."

She needs to learn to respect you all. If she simply won't, you may have to distance yourself or have your husband tell her that if she can't be more respectful, her time at your home will be limited.

Good luck...

Well, several things come to mind.....the nightmare of my former MIL being one.........but I just bought my first house four years ago and I would have been frustrated if something as simple as a disposal did not work right.....oh.....that happened to me.....I am a single mom and was stretched to the limit but had to get a new one......I guess I am saying to try to stick to the big picture as I know either way you go on this you will have to 'hear' it from her.....I would take the disposal and spend my money elsewhere..........just me....
Good Luck to you!

Hey there, Over the years I learned that If someone offers you something, be gracious and accept. Why fuss and get all atither just because someone wants to give you something. The reasoning behind it will fade in time. Be gracious and accept. And enjoy the new garbage disposal, and feature it when selling the house. Fight the important battles, enjoy the kid. Good luck, C.

Once, while the family was napping, my mother-in-law found some white paint and touched up all the door ways and baseboards in our home that had been marred by baby gates. I understand where you are coming from. The best way that her behavior won't drive you crazy is to accept it. If she wants to spend her money on your garbage disposal - let her! Maybe it makes her feel good to know she is still helping her son. I truly love my mother in law, she means well for all the meddling she does.

you are making a big deal out of nothing, who cares, its her meney, let her spend it the way she wants, and you have to be more patient and open minded, thats the way she is and nothing in the world is going to change her.

My advice is for you to consider the outcome if you don't accept the disposal and refuse/return it....

What outcome do you want from this situation? What is the best way to get that?

I know that you know the $500 could best be spent elsewhere, but its not your money to decide if its being used appropriately or not.

Try to clear your head of all the past junk and consider that her motives were heart-felt. Perhaps her way of saying sorry for clogging your other one?

In the future, discuss with your husband where your boundaries are. If you are going to accept help/money from parents for home improvement or not. Then share your decision with relatives. Then you'll be a united front if something like this occurs again.

A problem that some couples make is accepting help/money at some times, but not wanting it at other times. You can't change the rules on relatives without telling them. The best advice is to never take large monetary gifts/help because then that allows others into your business. Be independent and you can maintain autonomy. Best of luck!

I had something like that happen too. My friend who has never guess had a disposal and because I did it once before stopped up mine a few years ago potato peels.
There is a disposal wrench that you put in a hole in the bottom and it is just for that. It will release it. She was sure the disposal was ruined and took it all apart. I still laugh today when I think about the peels shooting out at her all over her clothes and hair. She was very upset. Not funny to here. I think I would let her waste her money serves her right. G. W

Here's something to think about. Start a compost pile! I live in the county so have a septic system. I put very little if anything down the disposal since it taxes the septic system unnecessarily.

Of course, I just put the peelings in the trash since I'm too lazy to put them in my compost pile!!! :) But, I'm trying to be more "green" this year.

I sympathize with you! It may be the little things that set you off, but it's the constant nattering that gets to you.

MIL's are better kept out of the kitchen! Remind your husband he lives with you not his mother anymore.

Hey, if she wants to spend the money, great! Put her in charge of another chore where you want money spent!! Like maybe the laundry if you want a new washing machine!! (evil chuckle)

The $500 isn't yours to spend - so you don't really get to pick where. It's a thank you for the disposal or a confrontation if you say no. I'd write her a thank you note and leave it at that.

I moved into a "move-in ready house" that was anything but movein ready - so I second the thought that, if it needs replacing - replace it, or disclose it. One of the two. Karma can be a real dog.

My MIL thought I was weird for nursing - so she asked me not to do it at her house. So I didn't. And she wondered why I never brought her grandchild to her house. I told her I didn't want to make her uncomfortable - but I wasn't going to make my child uncomfortable either - so she could come to our house, and we would nurse when we needed to.

I think it's likely that the two of you are so busy proving how right you are, that you're likely not to ever see each others' point of view - and that puts your husband in a difficult position. Sure, she's a meddling pain in the butt mil, and she likely characterizes you as an ungrateful snot of a dil who took her son with no regard for what she had done as his mom... blah.. blah.. blah. My advice is to play nice, because you have to play regardless.

S.

Okay, deep breath!! YES, yes it's your house. Yes I can think of about 50 different things to spend that $500 on than a garabage disposal.

BUT.........

You got her! High maintenance or not, you totally busted her. This is her way of fixing the "biggest I TOLD YOU SO" of the year! You told her not to cram all the peels down the disposal and she did it anyway. Now, even though she will never tell you, she's sorry, feels bad, and this is her way of making up for it. Yes, it's a waste of money, or is it??! Personally, I always test the garbage disposal before looking at a new or used residence. Who in the world wants to get nickled and dimed to death on stupid little expenses when they make such a big purchase. Just remember that when the house goes on the market, "sell the new disposal"!!!
As for MIL's, take a deep breath and love her anyway and remember, if she breaks it, she will most likely pay for it in the future, she doesn't want to hear it either.
As for the breast feeding, my mom is the same age range. Back then, they were all encouraged NOT to breast feed. I don't know why, but just think of it as a sign of the times. Maybe it was about not letting "the man, or baby" bring you down. Whatever it is, feed your baby and be proud.
Maybe, ask her out for coffee (with the baby) she totally wont expect it and just do lunch. Get to know her. LET HER KNOW YOU then maybe it wont be you against her. I think that when we get married, the MIL gets an automatic bad rap even if it's just from bad jokes. I'm sure she's heard them too. Christmas isn't the time to get your blood pressure up.

Good luck

So your mother-in-law is dishing out $500 to buy you a new garbage disposal. Hopefully this person will be your mother-in-law for a long time. It might be a good idea to reframe the situation. In spite of her past misbehavior, take the garbage disposal for what it is: her $500 gesture of kindness. Accept it as a gift and behave graciously...much more gracious than you feel. You will make progress toward healing your troubled relationship with your children's grandma and the mother of your life partner.