HELP!!! My 3Y/o Is Out of Control

Hi there...
I have a VERY difficult 3 year old. I also have 3 other children, and my 3 year old is by far my most difficult.

What I have found, is that it is ALL ABOUT CHOICES! If my son is misbehaving, whether it is through a fit, or through being too physical with another child, or anything else, I always give him choices. Although the choices are usually aimed at an end result I like, versus one that he likes, it still gives him the feeling of empowerment that he can make the choices himself.

For example, if I am in a "power struggle" around bedtime, His choices are usually that he either comes up with me without arguing, and he gets a book read to him, or he can argue and cry and he won't get a book. (Either way he's going to bed, but this way he has a little bit of control over the situation).

What works best is separating the child from the actual situation, and speaking to them directly and clearly. Give them the sense that they have to respond before continuing anything else.

You'll have to get creative with the choices, and always think it through before giving the choices, because the choices have to be something that you can follow through with. You must follow through and be consistent!

Good Luck!

Like the other mom's I can't really guide you but I can empathize! My son is almost 4 (end of May) and I can't wait for the 3's to be over! Overall he is a great kid but when he wants something and I say "no" he can throw a tantrtum like no other. I definitely agree that the 3's are worse than the 2's. As for the hitting; that is probably something you do want to address. The rest is the stage and their lack of perception of control. Good luck!

Welcome to the Terrible Threes! :)
To deal with the whining, I've always told my kids, "Sorry, mommy doesn't hear that kind of voice. Talk in a normal voice if you'd like me to listen." Sometimes it helps to demonstrate a whining voice vs. a regular voice, and they get a kick out of hearing me whine, too. :)
For the aggression, you just have to be sure to be consistent all the time. Give her a warning- "if ou continue to scream, I will have to put you in our room." If she continues, you can count to three if you want, but whatever form of warning you use, make sure you follow through the same way every time. And if she throws a certain toy, she loses that toy for a specified amount of time, etc. Natural consequences are the best. "Oops, you threw your cookie because you were angry, now you don't get another one." If she hits, get down to her level and tell her "look at Janie, she's crying because you hit her." Encourage the other child to tell her how she feels. You'd be amazed at how much kids this age can learn to work things out! She is developing empathy, so making a connection between her action and someone's reaction (ie crying) is important. Discipline means "to teach," and this is a great opportunity to teach her prosocial behavior.
You are not the only parent to go through this, so don't feel alone! We have all been there:) I teach toddlers, and I see it all the time. Consistency really is the best way.
Oh, and another mommy tip. This won't work all the time, but you have to remember to keep your sense of humor. Every so often when she's throwing a temper tantrum, get down and do it with her! "Cry" in a really exaggerated tone, kick your feet and hands on the floor, whatever- it's comical, a stress relief for you, and she will stop in her tracks to see what the heck mommy is doing. :) :) :)
And when you remove her from the activity (ie put her in the room, on the couch, etc.) you can just tell her that when she's feeling angry or frustrated, she needs time to gain control of her body. You are helping her to find that control.
Things will get better! Your 3 yo will turn into a wonderful 4yo someday, and you will look back on the Terrible Threes and shudder, but you will be so happy that you were able to help guide her through those crazy emotions! :)

OMG I am having the same issue with my 3 yr old boy. He was fine until he past three and all of a sudden I had lost control. He is in day care and they tell me all the time how good he is. He always listens and is very good with all the other children. At home he wines and screams, Hits and has even bit me. I talked to the teacher at the daycare and she told me to use her techniques. Things she uses is before starting to talk about what is going on to ask him if he has his listening ears on. when he does I ask him to look, listen and learn. then I explain what he is doing and why it is not right. if he continues...time out. If he is having a tantrum. Ignore him. Sometimes nothing works so I totally feel your pain. I can't wait to read other moms advice on how to handle these tantrums.

Goodmorning B.
Did you ever watch SUPPER NANNY we have that program in COnnecticut and I love that program it giive you good idea how to approche to decipline your child for better behivior.
GOOD LUCK

Is she capable of having a sit down? Try either sitting her on your lap or stooping down to her size with a nice big smile and have a nice loving talk with her to ask her what's wrong. Is she lacking attention? Did something change after she turned 3, etc.

In our house we called this the Thunderous Threes...yes, far worse than the Terrible Twos. Take a deep breath because this too shall pass. In the meantime, I don't think it's something to bring to her pediatrician but that's just me personally. When our son lashed out at other children we would just remove him and put in a time out. To this day (he's now six) I use time outs for inappropriate behavior. We had a really hard time getting him to sit for the timeout but now we can just say "please go take a time out and think about your actions". I do find that when our son goes into a tantrum that instead of getting firm with him, I ask him to come to me and I hold him. He settles down much faster. Hope this helps.

My son is 2 1/2 and has always been a very 'spirited' child. Much of the behavior you've described describes my son! He is a wonderful, sweet, smart, loving boy who often has meltdowns, full on tantrums, yells/screams, hits, and is generally just very stubborn & independent. He's always been very intense in this way, but lately he's gotten more challenging to deal with. I agree that it is partly the age, and also some kids are just more this way. I have found a wonderful book titled 'Raising Your Spirited Child' which is wonderful; sheds a lot of insight & offers some useful strategies for curtailing this behavior. My husband and I have tried all sorts of different methods. We find, too, that we have to be the grown ups and be the ones to keep our cool. Don't mirror that whiny or yelling voice or behavior. Doing it back will just enable your daughter and show her that that kind of behavior is acceptable. You need to model the appropriate behavior for her, but don't let her walk all over you either. I often will tell my son that if he is going to behave that way, and until he calms down, i can't talk to him... That is even more upsetting b/c then he is getting no attention. Once he calms down enough, I will pick him up, hold/comfort him... tell him I love him, that I know he is a good boy, and how important it is to use our nice words & nice voice. Little by little we are making progress. Best of luck!

She could be responding to something new in her environment...a new setting, new people (kids/adults). Getting her to talk about anything new to her may help.

You are right to be concerned and to reach out for help. A serious change in behavior certainly indicates something is a problem for your daughter. Finding the issue will be difficult as it may be something like a food allergy that is making her feel ill, but not outwardly sick looking. Look for stressers in her life. This can be her relationship with someone, a friend, you, her dad. She may have a drop in sugar level. Watch what she eats. You can try giving her juice after she calms down from an "event" and see if it helps her behavior.

My daughter was a perfect little girl in school all day and would come home and be rather difficult. I could never say she was a horror, but the point is, she had worked so hard all day keeping it together that when she came home she just lost it. One thing kids instinctively know, as they should, is that their Mom and Dad will love them know matter what they do. This allows them to show you and only you her worst side.

I don't know if she has had any medicine changes, but I had to give my son, at age 2, pregnosone. This is a steroid. My good natured son became a real monster. It was scary to see the brute come out in this ordinarily sweet boy. If your daughter is taking anything new, ask the pharmacist if there is any steroid component to the medicine.

Be a detective and even write down what has happened (sleep, food, TV, Music) in your daughters day before the poor behavior. I think you should talk with your doctor.

Remember, children are not naturally nasty and resistive. Especially when she has become so suddenly, there is something at the root of the behavior. I hate to say this, but you might even think back to did this behavior start just after your daughter received vaccines?

Finally, don't allow the poor behavior to grow by adding to it yourself. It is very hard to keep your cool when your child seems to be insulting you by being defiant. However, you and your husband need to remember she isn't old enough to put it together like, "I think I'll throw a fit right here in the store so that Mom looks like a fool and a poor parent. That'll show her." Your best approach is to remove yourself from your daughter if she is having a fit. If she sees that she's not going to get any reaction from you then what's the point of the fit?

Best of luck, M. Mom of 14 and 18 yr olds.

You need to ask some questions. Have you left her with anyone new? Did anything change in your life? Has she changed her diet? Did something happen at school? Have you asked her what is wrong? If this was out of the blue I would definitely talk to your pediatrian and if you don't get any answers, and if nothing seems to be working, I would also talk to a neurologist.

I don't think I have any advice (sorry), but I can empathize. My daughter turned 3 in February, and while she hasn't hyperventilated, she whines much more often, hits her head on the floor when she doesn't get what she wants, and occasionally hits her sister. It must be something about the age/stage. I'll be interested to see what other moms have to say!

I am so glad you asked I am having the same problem with my 3 year old. It is so frustrating.

Hi B.- I have a 3yr old boy. He has become very dramatic lately too. I think it is the age. After talking to many of my friends with 3 yr olds they all have similar issues. I do think the hitting has to stop though. i find with my son, that the more I raise my voice the worse the tantrum gets. What has worked VERY well for me to quwell the tears is to tell him to come over to me and I pick him up and softly tell him I love him and rub his back until the he stops crying (usually pretty quick from that moment). Then I set him down and calmly tell him why I am upset and we talk about the behavior.

I always have to remember that he is only 3 and I have to be the adult. The behavior has really changed! Hope this helps! Good luck

Hi B.,

I can totally relate. I have a son who turned 3 in November and a daughter who just turned 2 in January. I agree with the other moms, it's the age! Even his daycare provider said that the Three's are worse than the Two's. Time outs work sometimes, but raising your voice and yelling makes it worse I think. Just try to be calm and also tell her that unless she uses her "big girl voice" you are not going to talk to her. I tell my kids I can't understand them when they talk like that (whining) so they need to calm down and then tell me what's wrong. Whatever you do, don't give in to the behavior, which can be really tough sometimes. The good thing is, like everything else, it will pass with time. (so I'm told .. LOL)

I hate to say this, and please don't freak out, but you may want to make sure nothing has happened to her recently - some children have a huge personality crash after they've experienced some sort of very upsetting event, such as being molested. I would definitely talk to your doctor, and maybe a child psychotherapist, and try to ask her - as gently as possible - what is wrong, why she is so unhappy lately.
If it doesn't seem that there's anything truly wrong, I would recommend you get some parenting books about these things, they do have good tips on some of those behaviors. But for sure talk to your doctor, s/he should know where you can get some concrete strategies.

B.,

I don't want to scare you, but his sudden change is very concerning to me. Has she experienced any major changes lately? Any new people in her life? These kinds of behaviors are very common warning signs that a child has an emotional issue and/or is being abused. I would take her to a psychotherapist who specializes in working with children for an evaluation. Hopefully, it's just a passing phase, but I think it's wise to check it out more carefully.
-E.

I have to agree with the Supernanny suggestion ~ while I don't watch the show anymore because it's too stressful (watching other kids tantrum is just too much after ever having to field my own child's ;), I have found both of her books to be very helpful and were easy reads. Additionally, the book 1-2-3 Magic has really helped with my daughter, who is wildly careening for the threes with each passing day. That book alone helped put me back in control and helped me get my nice little girl back.

The suggestion about a psychotherapist was genuine and based on concern, but seems a bit much as I think this sudden change is very age appropriate due to researching it and witnessing it more times than not. As a former teacher, I have read and heard many times that the toddler/preschool years are as emotionally turbulent as the teenage years (with grade school being the respite in between!). The body and brain are growing at a ridiculously rapid pace which is hard enough work as it is, nevermind adding in all the personality changes that come with new knowledge and abilities. My father's consolation has kept me from having my toddler don a big "FREE" sign and setting her on the front lawn : "You *want* your child to be like this. This shows they have a voice, aren't afraid to use it, and feel safe discovering who they are." He reminded me that while I do need to maintain control, there is comfort wedged inside the manic times. So despite pining for a little robot when I'm in public (or, let's be honest, anywhere!), ideally I want my child to grow into an adult who will have formed opinions, a strong sense of self, and the courage to be who she is. She's laying that groundwork right now by testing boundaries, feeling her emotions, and discovering where the line in the sand is. When she's throwing a tantrum or whining, I try to use the Supernanny's advice as well as strategies from 1-2-3 Magic, all the while consoling my frustration and emotion with my father's sage words.

Good luck, you are not alone!
L.

p.s. We went through the hitting and no phase, and continue to weave in and out of it. I have done a lot of research on this topic, as it really distressed me to see my sweet little girl turn into a wild imp. While most everything I read comforted me and made me feel more normal, this particular web site was just the icing on the cake. I've saved it in my favorites file and revert to it when needed ~ what a wonderful doctor this man must be! I love the analogy of the dark room. Hope it comforts you as well :)
http://www.natickpediatrics.com/healthykids/toddlerhitsme...