Help Correcting a Two Year Old????

Hi L.!

From a developmenatl perspective, a two year old is not capable of reasoning (which is much different from saying that they are to be allowed to misbehave.) Two year olds are still in the here and now, and cannot think through the "why" of much, especially when they are angry, which is not to say that they are not smart, it has nothing to do with that.

What ever you choose to do, try telling him what you want and avoiding telling him to "stop" doing what you don't want. This will increase his ablity to comply because he won't be expected to turn around and do the oposite of what you just said, which is beyond their development. Saying "speak quietly" instead of "don't yell" is a quicker thought process that he is capable of doing more often. It won't solve everything, but it will give him more control and more opportunity to be a sucess.

Very important! praise his sucess!

Good luck!
M.

Try the book or video "1-2-3 Magic", it's a time out method. I've recommended this book so many times I'm starting to sound like a broken record. We started using it when our son was around 2 years old and it worked great. We still use it and now, simply saying "That's one" almost always immediately turns off the whining and the bad behavior. He's almost 5 and he rarely gets a time out these days. The most important part of this method is sticking with it and not giving in. I'm not saying it will turn him into an angel, the two through four year age range is tough (as I'm sure you know with 4 other kids), but it will help. Good luck!

Hi L.:
I just had a great breakthrough with my 20 month old, who is a wonderful little person, but throws her fair share of tantrums just like any other toddler. We do time outs for really bad things, like hitting or kicking. I give her three tries and ask her if she wants a "time out," before I put her in her room and close the door for one minute. She hates it but now understands the concept of consequences for bad behavior.
But when she just throws a fit because I didn't give her something she wanted, I've started to tell her to go to her room to cry. I'll put her in there, with the door open, and tell her she can come out when she stops crying.
I can't believe it, but it worked! Now anytime she throws a tantrum, I put her in her room, she cries for 15 seconds, then pulls herself together before she walks out. I give her big time praise for that! I'm not sure how long it will work, but at least it's a good start!
Good luck...

L., hang in there! The first thing you need to do is come up with a plan and stick to it. Make it a family decision and make sure everyone does the same thing. My son did a lot of what you explained (he was born with torticolis and has a plageocephaly helmet, so we babied him too). This is what we did to fix it...
We would tell him to do it once, if he didn't listen we would explain that we are telling him a second time and then he is going to time out.
If he ever got on the floor with a temper tantrum (they always to ignore it-but with him it didn't work) he stand right over him and tell him to stand up and act like a big boy.
If he talks back (common in my house), we would tell him that is not the way to speak to me and the next time, it would be time out without any warning.
Now time out works for us and he is scared of it completely, but I am told that some children don't listen to it at all. I think it depends on the time out place you decide on. Ours is standing in a corner, facing the corner. We find that is tough for our children to do anything but get upset for being there. A chair...they would just sit and laugh! I hope this gets you started.

I had the same problem to an extent. My daughter was miserable for the first year of her life and now she is almost 3 and still wants everything right now. I do send her to her room for a time out when she is crying a lot. I do this for my sanity mostly. I think the big thing is to stay calm when they are freaking out. Talk quietly so they have to be quiet to listen and then give them 2 choices. This works really well for me. I think it also teaches them that they have control somewhat and are not just being ruled. I tell my daughter that she can go to bed quietly and get a book read to her, or she can go to bed kicking and screaming and she can be there by herself because I don't want to listen to it. I started doing this at a little over 2 years of age and the first time I offered her a choice she just stopped crying and looked at me like "are you serious". It is hard to keep your cool when someone is screaming over what we think is the tiniest little thing, but to them it probably is a very big thing. Then reward them for being such a big kid and making good decisions.
I do deal with the jealousy issue between my daughter and my 18 month old niece that I watch. I don't really know yet on this issue. I do try to give them both a hug when one of them comes to me for that. I think the sibling rivalry thing is going to be a harder problem than the discipline. It is just going to be holding your ground and consistency.
good luck

I would say that at 2, your son is starting to get old enough to be reasoned with. Maybe you could explain to him that since he is getting to be such a big boy now, it is time to start giving up baby things such as whining and learn big boy behavior such as patience or taking turns. Many people believe that 2 yr olds don't understand much, and therefore have an excuse for bad behavior....I completely disagree.

I would start with what is the most important issue for you and work from there. Make sure you have the full support and understanding of you entire immediate family because you will surely need their cooperation in this endeavor.

I don't know your son, so I don't know WHAT he is capable of doing/understanding, but I am sure you will learn as you go-if you don't already have a good idea.

Whining has always been something that has REALLY gotten to me, and it must be dealt with differently with different kids depending on their personalities. My parents dealt with it by whining back at my sister and myself, usually whining (in their MOST obnoxious voice) something like "oh, Wendy (Wesley) Whiner, I really don't like it when you talk like that, it gets to be annoying." That tactic did NOT work with my oldest, who is very sensitive and his feelings got hurt the very first time and he cried, nobody wants to make their child cry! With him, all we had to do was sit him down and very calmly explain to him that while he sometimes may need whine a little, it was very hard for us to listen to, and we didn't like it...after a few simple reminders like 'uh oh, it sounds like you may be whining' we didn't have much of a problem. My second was a whole nother story, he is definitely a bonafide WHINER and at 5 we are still dealing with the whining issue, we have talked to him and told him that whining is unacceptable behavior for a big 5 yr old boy, and we will simply not listen to it. When he comes whining into the room about something we just ignore him until he is able to talk in an normal voice, sometimes it takes a while, and is very hard to do. With my daughter (#3, 4 yrs) we seem to have kind of combined the Wendy Whiner thing with the ignoring, and we haven't had too much of a whiner problem with her~even though she IS the princess and definitely gives us the most discipline problems otherwise :) We're still waiting to see how we will have to help #4 get thru the whining phase, who knows what will work for him!

Don't know if this will help or not, but maybe it will at least give you some ideas to try out.

I can understand your situation! We have a bit of a strong-willed child and even though we have put boundaries he still wines, cries and screams when things don't go his way. We have learned that you have to decide what boundaries you need to set (bedtime, snacks, TV - amounts, when..) and once you come up with a game plan then you just have to stick to it. I have found with my son that it works best when I lay a time table out for him. Such as first we will play, then read books then nap time. or what ever we are doing. This way I can reiterate, ok now it is time for.... or I will say "remember mommy said......" And he seems to do better when I give him the order of things. The other thing is just being stronger (mentally) than he is. I have decided what I am willing to allow and not allow and then I stick to my guns. I tell him "we don't yell, hit, sream.....) and if he does he gets disciplined. I know some people frown on spanking, but sometimes I think it is necessary. If it is done out of love (not anger) and if it is explained. There is a difference between discipline and punshment and for each child I believe you have to figure out what works best. I have also picked up a good tip from another mom here about when my son starts whinning and this has really been working. When he starts I tell him I can't understand his "whinning voice or baby voice" but needs to talk to me like a big boy..in his big boy voice and that has REALLY helped!! I think at the end of the day you just have to decide what will make him the best little boy, draw those boundaries and stick to it. It will be hard at first because they don't understand what is going on, but if you are persistant and loving he will come around. Hope some of this has helped. Good luck! and God bless.

My friend, my friend.......I hear ya. Sibling jealousy it a special thing. I have two boys competing for my attention constantly. You are an incredibly smart woman and believe that you will find what works for him. Sometimes I spend some alone time with Boomer and other times I spend alone time with Jack. It does help. In the mornings when Boomer goes to Special Ed I spend that time with Jack and when he gets home I have just put Jack to bed for his nap and spend that time with Boomer. I do the same for when I am going to the store. I have heard you talk to all of your kids and know with all my heart that you are a wonderful communicator with them. Your Jack Jack is at the age where the world revoles around him and the concept of sharing and taking his turn is difficult. When he has his "meltdowns" maybe if you seprate him from you or the situation that would help. Taking him to his room and giving him a moment alone. I am not doing so well giving you advice to you because you are one of the smartest people I know......so just know that I am thinking about you....

We have gone through the same thing with our kids--we spent the first year or two of their lives doing everything for them when they ask for it (because that is what you do for babies) but we never get told when to "turn that off" and start setting boundaries and limits. We figured out "oh, I guess we've been doing too much" after we started dealing with the tantrums.
The best thing to do first of all, is start setting some boundaries. Figure out with your husband what some of your limits are and just start enforcing them one at a time. If your rule (for example) is no snacks before dinner and your son asks for one, calmly state the rule and then walk away. Let him melt down and don't give him any more attention if he continues whining and crying and tantruming for what he wants. If you don't give in, he will eventually stop and as he learns to accept this boundary, you can add another one. IF YOU GIVE IN, you will be in for a longer, drawn out battle becuase he will learn that if he pitches a fit for long enough, you will wear down and he will get his way. If he starts doing something dangerous, you can intervene long enough to move him to a safer place or remove whatever is making it dangerous. Otherwise, let him scream it out, even if you need to leave the room to save your own sanity! Part of this IS his age and not just because you "spoiled him." Our almost 2 year old is going through the same thing and we're ready to pull our hair out. But you all will get through it. Once your son calms down, you can give him all the hugs and snuggles you both need, and praise him for being able to get himself calmed down. This is helping teach him self soothing skills, frustration tolerance, etc. Skills he will need later in life. You will be doing all of you a favor by standing firm. Good luck! (And thanks for the reminder for when I'm dealing with my own 2 year old... )

We started putting our daughter in the corner for hitting. If she hits me once I tell her that if she does it again she will go in the corner. If she hits again, she immediately goes in the corner. I do have to make her stay there and the key seems to be not to look at her or speak to her at all. It has helped tremendously! We use it now for other things too and a lot of times when I warn her that she will go in the corner, she stops the behavior.

When she is cranky and frustrated, I try to give her a choice between two options. For instance, yesterday she did not want to sit down for dinner and was whining. I gave her the choice between sitting in the highchair and sitting at the table in a booster seat. She decided the booster seat was better and stopped crying.

I do however, try to pick my battles wisely. Once I decide to pick one, I stick to my guns. But I always ask myself, is this a fight worth having. I just don't want to constantly be constantly telling her no and not letting her be a kid either!

Another thing I do when she is frustrated and crying is tell her to take my hand and lead me to what she needs. Sometimes the crying is just because they do not know how to get across what they want. I will also pick her up and she points in a direction and says go. She leads me to where her problem/frustration is and we try to work it out together. I will let you know, sometimes she unexpectedly leads me to her crib b/c she just needs a little extra sleep that day!

Good luck and I hope this helps!