Help Me Calm Down

Please re-read what you have just told us......"I honestly can not wait until she is 18"......If you can't wait until she is 18 and hate her father so much, that your hatred for him, comes before what MAY be best for your child, why don't you just stop playing games (yours and his) and ask for a new custody agreement, perhaps, school year vs summer with every other weekend during those periods for visiting.

Don't think for a moment that your child isn't picking up on all the hate. As always the children suffer the most.

Your title is Help me Calm Down. So I won't attempt to solve the physical custody issues. I'll remind you not to let a difficult ex husband ruin your daughter's childhood. In 10 yrs you'll look back and you won't think "What a pain he was!" You'll think, "how did she grow up so fast???? Where did my little girl go?" Dont waste these precious few years on any thing else.
And my two oldest children feel like less because their father couldn't be bothered to spend much time with them. It didn't matter that they had a great stepfather, they feel less worthy because their own father didnt seem to care much. I'm glad your daughter's father is involved with her.

I know emotions get raw in these situations. I've been doing the shared parenting thing now for 15 years with my son.

However, compromise has to be equitable. And very carefully thought out.
I've been a single working mom for many years and trust me...there were lots of times I was too tired to really go anywhere and run around with the kids on the weekends. My ex, on the other hand, who didn't have to clock in or out and could pretty much make his own schedule, was going here and there and doing all kinds of stuff. He actually tried to get more custody based on the fact that he didn't have to work as much. That was shot down in flames.
My kids were quite used to having a mellow day on the weekends. We could sleep late if we wanted, make a nice breakfast, chill out and watch movies and just putter around the house. ESPECIALLY in the winter time.
My son went and went and went so much with his dad that he actually needed some down time once in a while.

Also, I think you should be careful with trying to change things so your child can have what she wants. Kids simply don't need every single thing they want. They just don't. You shouldn't feel bad because you can't take her places all the time. It's not necessary. It doesn't make you a bad mom.
Sometimes altering the schedule is just more hassle and confusing to everybody than it's worth. I mean, trading a day here or there for a special event should be fine if you both agree to it, but making major changes....I absolutely did not agree to any of that with my ex husband. He had a reason for changing something every 10 minutes and it just got to be too much.

Feelings of animosity are pretty normal, but you have to try to let go of the hate. You won't be able to have any type of healthy interaction with your ex as long as you are harboring those feelings. You won't be able to think clearly.

Keep things the way they are.

Just my opinion.
Best wishes.

You are letting your emotions get the best of you! There was really NO reason to get upset over this other than that you two have a history and you dislike him.

You suggested a change in schedule to accommodate your DD's wishes, that is great, but you have to realize that you have to work together to make it work. Just because you suggest something he does not have to agree nor does it mean that he cannot suggest changes that work better for him. He does have a point that if you change m/w/every other week friday to simply m/f he looses a day with his child every other week... unless you suggested to go every other monday/w/f...

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to offend you, I understand you you probably have good reason to feel how you are about him, BUT you need to let those emotions at home when it comes to what is best for your child and if you go on the offensive or defensive every single time you talk to him, you are going to be miserable for years to come.
Good luck!

All I gotta say is thank your lucky stars he is fighting to have her...instead fighting not to have her...like my little nephew....mom and dad make up the most excuses I have ever heard as to why they can't keep their son when it is there turn.

Wow! This must be very h*** o* your daughter who not only has to pack her stuff and live in two homes but there is fighting over it too? I know its hard for the adults but its got to be way harder for her so sit down with all three of you and sort out a schedule making your daughter's needs the first priority! Do it together and as a team and that will give her the support and peace of mind that she really needs to know that both her parents love her and can work together.

Suggesting doesn't make it so. If this doesn't work, what about changing to an every other week so that rather than quibbling what days, you have 7 days at a time, during which that parent is required to do all the schlepping unless arranged in advance. Then you both are equals in the share of time and duties.

While wanting the fun stuff all the time is nice, I would not allow my child to go to the other home only because she wants to do something more interesting. Not every day is a party. My SD is here this week and we have chores to do. That's what a family DOES sometimes.

I don't think I caught how old she is but mine is on show team and they have to be at least 7 to try out.

So, if she is 7 or older she is well old enough to confront dad and tell it is time to take her to practice. If he says no then it is to her and not to you.

The horrible thing about doing custody like this is that it wears everyone out and it is always a bone of contention.

I say let her handle dad on her days and you stay out of it. If he doesn't take her then she misses.

Tell her that when she grows up and has to work for a living then she can decide if she wants to go out every Friday night. Until then it is your choice to stay at home. It does not sound fund to me though. It sounds like you need to get more rest on the weekdays she is coming for her weekend with you so you can have more energy. Or get some rest on Friday evening and then do some special things on Saturday or Sunday.

Does she have any concept that most kids do not get to go out every Friday and then do all kinds of other busy stuff on the weekends? She may need a reality check in that area too.

I know it is hard dealing with the "other" parent. However, I get where he is coming from. He used to have her 2 permanent days and every other weekend. And you had her 2 permanent days and every other weekend. Now you get her 3 permanent days and swap Sat and Sun (not a full weekend) If the tables were turned would that work for you? I say keep it the way it is. Let your daughter deal with having nothing to do on Fridays or pep talk yourself into doing something. Maybe make a calendar or list of things you can do together. It is only 2 days a month.

I can see for you SWH that you have realized your error and recognize that you were in the wrong and in fact you were shorting him 1 whole day.

~Co-parenting is h*** o* all of us that have to do it, so we all understand your frustration! Please don't be angry at him...he was right to not say yes to your changes b/c it wasn't fair to him at all! I bet if you call and recognize and acknowledge the fact that you made a mistake in your calculations he would be more then willing to work things out with you so you can get the changes you are after! An apology and admitting when you are wrong goes a LONG way!

Dear K.,

I know you were angry when you wrote your post and that you have resolved the immediate situation. However, I noticed that no one told you that you will have to deal with your EX until one of you die - not just until your daughter turns 18!

My mom is a child of divorce - she is 65! My grandmother and grandfather still have to "deal" with each other at all of her events (they separated when she was 7 and divorced when she was 25)...so we are talking college graduation, her wedding, the birth of her 3 children, all of their events, and the birth of two great-grandchildren. We threw my parents a 40th wedding anniversary party and guess what - had to manipulate the seating for my grandparents!

My poor mom is an only child who has a father with early alzheimers and a step-mother she doesn't really know as well - complete with step-brothers who call her to ask her how to deal with her father. He lives 6 hours away! She is also super involved with her mom - who never remarried. It is tough when you are 65 with 88 and 90 year old divorced parents.

Good luck - I hope you are able to work through your anger so that your daughter isn't manipulating seating in 50 years or so....C.

I'm glad you were able to work it out with your DD's Dad.

IMO, your DD requesting to have every Friday with her Dad because they go out more often could easily have been turned down by both of you together. That's giving her a lot of power to call the shots just in the name of more entertainment. If you were still together, you probably wouldn't be going out to Chuck E Cheese, indoor mini golf and other kid fun extravaganzas EVERY Friday night. Sometimes you would tell her no, not this time, we just went last weekend. If her Dad is doing this type of thing every other Friday, she should be happy enough with that. There is nothing wrong with a quiet movie and mellow Friday evening either. You can still have fun while having a quieter evening at home. You can still take her out for a more energetic activity on a Saturday night sometimes on your weekend if you want to.

I disagree with her Dad about the gymnastics on Mondays. He should support and take her to that activity. Why is that so difficult? It's just one of his days after all. I'm sure she will have plenty of other activities and birthday parties, etc. on her days with you too. I would think it would be easier to stick to the same custody schedule and who ever's day it is takes her to her the activity on that day. There's only going to be more of this as she gets older. Kids grow up and get busy. They still have their own lives during the "other parent's time." The last thing you want is for her to pick up on the complexity of this and start to stress out about working around her parents scheduling logistics and fairness every time something comes around she wants to join. As a child of divorce, it can make you envious of other kids who don't have to worry about this.

Don't wish the years with your daughter away. I am co-parenting (50/50 time) with what seems like a complicated schedule with my 9 year-old daughter. I've learned, when communicating with my ex, the power in thinking things through, proposing an idea, waiting to respond, counting to 10, and then counting to 10 again... We now are usually able to negotiate schedule and schedule changes. We've been doing this for 5 years.

Yes, you need to balance the needs of your daughter and her two parents, and that can be challenging. Good luck to you.