Parenting Plan Advice

Hi T..
#1 First right of refusal. In my plan, if either parent is to be away from child for more than 3 hrs, the other parent has first dibs. Super important to inforce that with the father/girlfriend (she is not step-mom. until she is, she shouldn't have any first rights.)

I am in the same situation only I am the girlfriend (now step mommy) of the 3 year old. I love him very much, but I've also done a lot of research on how to be there without trying to take over parenting (a hard one!). I would HIGHLY recommend requesting that all three of you attend a parenting class together. You can call the courthouse to ask what they have in the area (usually have an 8 week course that happens once a week). It will cover all the hard topics and show everyone involved how to do their roles. AFTER this point going to a mediator to discuss plans is a good idea (you can have her come too, but it usually goes smoother with just the biological parents).

If he's been with this woman for three years chances are she's not going anywhere so your son will probably always have her around. You don't have to be friends with her, but getting to know her as you would a babysitter is a good idea. If my ex called up to tell me he had a girlfriend I would want to know who my kids are staying with. Just follow your gut instinct.

Bottom line is to do what is best for your son. His daddy is going to be his hero so don't get in between that. But you will always be his mommy so don't feel threatened by her. By co-parenting you can all figure out and do what is best for your little guy. Best of luck!

I wasnt going to respond to this post because it is such a touchy subject. But I started reading some of the posts...
I have divorced for over 4 yrs now. My ex husband is in towing and likes to fiddle with cars. I would find out that when my daughter was over there for her weekend that he would hardly be home. Yes this used to anger me terribly that he would leave her with his girlfriend (she and I hated each other so that just made it worse), or he and his girlfriend would go out and leave my daughter with a sitter. I finally ralized that what he does when she is there is not so much my responsiblity. HE is the one that had to find care for her and do the parenting duties. I finally had to let go of the issue.
If your child is with his girlfiend for an hour or so I wouldnt worry to much about it. Put it this way, when your son is supposed to be with dad, this is your time.
Hang in there, and try to enjoy your time!

I was that girl friend... Well sort of.. My NOW husband's daughter had just turned 4 when we started dating and she was 6 1/2 when we got married... When we have her I take care of her most of the time.. My husband works very hard long hours.. I NEVER try to take over the mother role.. and all ways praise the mother to the daughter... My husband likes that we spend time together so that he hears the stories I tell him and sees pictures of the things we did.. he also likes it when he comes home to his whole FAMILY... I don't know if that is at all what she is like.. but I thought you might like to hear some one from the other side! :) GOOD LUCK!!!!

T.,
I know it's hard I have been there myself, in both capicitys..with my ex and his girlfriend and then as the new wife and my current husbands kids. I think the biggest thing I learned is that what the "other" parent does on their time is their business. As long as the child is safe ect.I know that is hard but it is reality. If your ex chooses to have your child stay with girlfriend a lot on his time, that is his choice. We went through the same thing. Now my kids are older and there is a little resentment but their relationship with their father is not my business, ya know. I don't bad mouth him or anything but they are old enough now and have their own thoughts.

As far as being the step mom, I am that too. My step kids are with me alot simply because their mom and their dad (my hubby) both work so I pick them up from school ect. The kids know who their mom is and that I am their second mom basically.

Hope this helps a little
A.

This is a tough one, parenting plans usually differ dramatically depending on the parents and child. Typically it is recommended that you rotate every other weekend and holidays, with a few weeks in the summer for the non-custodial parent. As for the gf, there is not much you can do. Once dad picks up the child it is up to him who will watch the child and how they spend time together. Unless the child is in danger there is not much you can do to limit the amount of time he spends with anyone. Maybe it is time you and his dad sit down and talk about your concerns. Remember though that the main intention isn't to isolate the gf but to foster a better relationship between father and son. Maybe even re-evaluate the visitation schedule so that dad has him only when he will be available to spend time with him. Also, if the gf is going to be a part of the child's life it isn't a bad idea to get to know her a bit.

I have the exact same situation... I am the mother of a 4 yr old who's father now lives with a girlfriend. His visitation is one weekday evening for 3 hrs and one overnight on the weekend (24hr). His father has requested on several occasions that I drop off our son with the girlfriend for his visit because he cannot be there and I have declined, saying I can wait to drop him off until he is home. This makes the father upset, but I feel it is within my rights. The father has visitation, not the girlfriend. Also, he lives 3 blocks away and sees his son only on these two days, so I feel it is what is best for our son. Also, I work full-time and more often than not, would love to have an extra hour with my son. First right of refusal gives you the right to have this time, if the father is not able to spend the visit with the child. The child should be with father or mother first, than other family (grandparents, etc), than other friends/extended family. Step-parents and girlfriends/boyfriends fall into that extended category because those relationships cannot be considered permanent by the courts as they have no legal bind to the child.

Really, if your child's father has joint custody and the two of you have equal time (every other week or some kind of even schedule) and equal responsibility (share drs visits, buying clothes, etc.), than I would not worry too much about the time with the girlfriend because you have to assume that the child's needs are being handled during this time. But on the other hand, if the father has less than 40% visitation (an evening or two, or every other weekend, or something where he is spending less time than you) I would do everything you can to encourage that this time be spent with the child's father, rather than the girlfriend. This is important so that the child develops the appropriate parental bond. You can't really control what he does with the child once the father has the child, but you can at least request 'first right of refusal' in the parental guidelines (any period greater than 3 hrs should be offered to the other parent before sitters, including girlfriends/boyfriends) and have stated that the father must be present during the 'exchange'. That is really the best you can do. Always remember though, that whatever rules you draw up, you are going to have to abide by them too. And they should always be in the best interest of the child.

Good luck!

So your son's father and his girlfriend have been together for 3 yrs, your son is 3 and you've been separated/divorced how long? In order to get a divorce when a child is involved you had to have a parenting plan in place. So are you asking if you should change the plan? If they were married, would you be objecting to his step-mom being responsible for him when your ex was at work or had to go to the store? Would you want him to approve any relationship that you might have in the future and have final say on who his son's stepfather would be? Would you want your ex to have a say or veto power over who you have for a baby sitter when you need to go somewhere, like work or out on a date?

I say if it's not broke, don't fix it. Changing a parenting plan is expensive and time consuming. You're talking about 2 lawyers, a guardian ad liem and court costs. Is your son unhappy? is he hurt? is he dirty and starving when he comes home? is he happy to see Dad and the girlfriend? Could there be some jealousy here? Need to answer all those questions and take the expense in time and money into consideration. You may end up with something less than what you have now when it comes to custody, visitation and support.

Hi, I have never been in this situation, but I have watched some close friends go through it, and I have some ideas.

First of all, at 3 your son is probably learning to talk, right? Do you ask him any questions about his time at his dad's, what he likes, what he doesn't like, etc. If it seems like he likes her then I would try to make the most of that relationship, especially being a single mom I'm sure you can use all the help you can get. (I'm not a single mom and I could use more help!)

You said the girlfriend seems like a good person ... how well do you know her? Do you two get along ok? Does she have any kids of her own? My suggestion would be to get to know her even better. Invite her to go play at the park with you guys sometime or some other activity with just the 2 of you and your son (I bet your son would love that).

Before I had kids I used to love spending time with my friends kids, she may be the same way. You never know, she might even be willing to babysit for you when the dad was busy. It sounds like she came into the picture around the same time as your son, so I'm sure there was probably a lot of hurt and anger involved, but hopefully with time you have been able to work through that. I'm not saying you guys have to be best friends, but since she has been with the dad for 3 years she may really enjoy her time with your son, and if you guys knew each other better she might even be easier to talk to about how you would like your son cared for when you aren't around than the dad is, who knows. Best of luck!

you know i debated on answering but there is one thing i never read in your responses: Do what you feel comfortable doing! If you are having any concerns stop and think about what it is thats bothering you. is it that u would rather spend time with him or are u still uncomfortable with the girlfriend and if this is the case try to figure out why but trust yourself. Sometimes we know things we cant explain but definitely need to listen to. My ex husband and I have had to work through these things and before they were seriously getting married and married his now wife then girlfriend never got in the middle of any decisions. Now i will drop my daughter off with her and know she will be fine. She has siblings over there and is 9 yrs old so if she wants to visit even when her dads at work then we let her if theres nothing else going on. But you know honestly there are times when they have to go to the store or whatnot and if they have to always take their kids or drop them off for an hour or 2 it gets difficult and frustrating. On the same note if you are not comfortable with the girlfriend babysitting then look into why. Sometimes girlfriends are as bad or worse than boyfriends with kids. I know from experience as a kid...my dad had some terrible girlfriends and my mom had some boyfriends that were just as bad. Never discount your instincts they may be on the nose. Anyways Do what you are comfortable with!!! Good Luck and dont worry some things get easier and some get harder but you will figure it out.

T.,
We have a schedule as follows: Every other weekend and when they were little Wednesday nights. When the kids started school and boy scouts(boyscouts met on wednesday) we changed it: Every other weekend and 3 times a semester we would take the kids to school on Mondays. Also 3 times a semester we pick the kids up from school on Fridays. This is hard to do with us because the mom moved way out on the outskirts of town and it is a hassle to take them to school now that they are in 2 different schools. Since you only have one kid I think this should be easier for you guys to accomplish. Keep in mind that the opportunity for the Dad to take and pick him up from school is important and will help him and your son feel united and involved in the school/homework aspect of things. I wouldnt worry to much about the girlfriend being there with out the Dad...life goes on and is complicated on everyone. Scheduling is difficult. I have had my wonderful step kids for 12+years and even to this day if Dad is going out of town on business or whatever I always ask the Mom if she would prefer to have the kids that weekend (my step sons hate this by the way because they think of our house as theirs and have lots of friends here and enjoy being here even if Dad is not). Just let them know that is something you would be intersted in and I am sure they would keep it in mind. You sound like you are going to do an excellent job of co-parenting especially if you remeber that the Dad's relationship with your son is just as important as yours! Make sure to be honest about your feelings, I dont think there is anything wrong with articulating your concerns about your son spending time with the girlfriend when he could be spending it with a real parent. If the girlfriend is going to be involved, which by what you say she probably is seeing how your son is 3 and the Dad and her have been together for 3 years, I would make sure to include her in the scheduling process because chances are she will be responsible for that aspect of things at their house anyway.---Keep in mind that you will probably have to adjust the paerenting plan once your son starts schol and gets older.---The way we do christmas is pretty fair. one year the Mom has then from the day school ends untill Christams at 4pm and then we have them from 4pm untill they go back to school. It alternates every year so we all get a chance to do Christmas eve and Christmas morning every other year. This works best for us and also takes away the burden of having to do "santa" presents every year. Who's ever house they are at Christmas morning does the "santa" gifts. There really is a lot to coordinate and think about when it comes to co-parenting. Good luck! Oh yeah...dont be afraid to put something in to allow for after school activities or even sports when they get older, this too is something that needs to be coordinated. It's never to early to start talking about what is going to happen when your son gets older. We are having an issue right now about are oldest getting his drivers license...it really is never ending so always be pleasant and fair and hopefully they will reciprocate.

Good luck.
K.

If you're asking if you can have some control over who is with your son (i.e. can you limit parenting plan so that father has to be with son most of the time instead of the girlfriend) I doubt that you can. Candice made a very good suggestion. All of you together need to work this out. Using the county's services is a good idea.