HELP: Behavior Issue in Calcium

I know that IRCS has a great school psychologist. Call the school and see if he can be set up to see her. Also Mrs. Hunt is also available to him. Maybe he is harboring ill feelings, It could be that its not his brother but something at school that is causing this. This school district has grown very large, very fast. They are great. Does he have problems with others his age. good luck

I have 5 kids:19, 17, 11, 9, and 7. My 19 yr old stepdaughter is in rehab, and I learned many things in the Family Education Program. The most significant centers around setting boundaries. We have had a lot of yelling and just plain nastiness, particulary from my 11 yr old. The guy at rehab said, "This behavior has to be absolutetely unacceptable." I realized I had been asking, pleading, reminding, and threatening consequences for years, without a lot of follow through and no change in behavior. I came home from The Caron Clinic and said to my kids, "This is my house, it's my money, and it's my life. I pay for the roof over your head, your food, your phone use, your clothes, your toys, your school, your vacations. You can consider yourself a Guest in My house, where I make the rules. When you move out and get a job and make your own money and live in your own house then you can make the rules and yell and insult anyone you want. Until then It's my way, and there are absolutely no put-downs in this family any more. None. Not even small or subtle ones. There is no yelling. If you yell or insult each other or me, you will go to you room (give a specific amount of time depending on what will work for you kids). I'll set the timer. You may not play, read, speak, etc,or come out until the timer rings. If you do, I start the time over." I never remind them or warn them or threaten to send them to their room. I just send them there. I don't care if they miss a ride or are late for school. If they refuse to go to their room, take something away that they care about- electronics, activities with friends, etc. But the key is follow through. When they see you mean it, life will change faster than you can imagine. They are screaming for you to set the limits and boundaries and make them feel safe. Insist on the life you want to live in your own home. Create it. Good luck. Be brave.

I agree with pp who said to seek help. There needs to be more structure for these boys and discipline that may be difficult for you to be consistent about through the pain. Seek help! Family counseling, support, anything! Also, maybe you could seek "respite care" for the boys so you can get a break. These are all things I highly recommend so that you can get some help and get a reign on these boys and some unity in your family before it's too late!

I'm new to the area, but can try and help you seek out the help you need of you'd like!

Darci

Hi M.,,,
I have to say that I am a little confused by the title of your post .. I'm not sure what calcium has to do with our problem, but here goes,,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I was completely disabled when my youngest daughter was only 5 months old due to a back injury and the subsequent botched surgery.. I also was on pain narcotic meds, and being treated for depression. that was 12 years ago, and through physical therapy, counseling and psychiatric treatment I am doing great now. I'm on a permanent pain and PT regimen.. I relearned to walk and to function in most of my life but every day is still a challenge. I just want you to know that I am coming from a place of empathetic understanding,

My two girls are 4 years apart. I realize you have boys, and they are about six years apart. I know that's a difficult age difference to balance. I know you are limited in how you take care of them, and also in your ability to deal with things because of your pain and depression and the meds.
Please don't let anyone make you think that your disability is in any way your fault, or that you aren't doing enough to recover. I'm sure that the ladies who posted here are only trying to be helpful, but I know that unless a person has lived through the hell of chronic, debilitating pain, they simply cannot understand.

First.. contact your local health department, and explain your problems.. find out what Social Services are available to you.Home Care, counseling, physical therapy are all available in your home. They can assign a social worker to look at your needs and get you appropriate help. Are your receiving SS disability insurance, or Supplemental income? If not apply for the aid. It will help you pay for the services you need for the kids. You should also get into counseling for yourself, and then if you can, get your whole family into therapy. Your kids absorb the tension, pain and depression that you suffer. You may think you're insulating them form it, but you can't. The whole family is affected by a parent's disability.

It sounds like your kids are not having their needs met, (not your fault) but they are obviously angry and most likely depressed too. I know my kids went through a very tough time because I was "unavailable" emotionally and physically. Counseling helped a great deal.

What is your husband doing to help the situation? It sounds like he needs to get involved in the discipline..And I don't mean physical discipline, I just mean that your kids need to know that in your home they have to be civil to one another. ( treat each other as you would a stranger. Basic politeness.) It is a good goal to start with. They don't need to be nice, or be friends, they just need to be polite. Any aggressive behavior is not OK and immediate reprimands have to be given. It would make life so much more bearable if they learned that basic rule.

Do they share a room? If so that might be a problem. Your 14 y/o will need a lot of privacy. It's a tough age. I actually bought a sofa bed, and moved the little one into the living room.. It's not a perfect solution, but it helped the older girl cope more easily.

Get help.. the suggestions to have a family member or good friend there when the boys come home from school is a good one. The mornings, your husband needs to referee. And you just have to try to put on a happy face and give them as much love as possible when you are around them, even if it's for short spurts. It's worth the effort.

Using the school as a resource is great.. as long as the guidance counselor and School Psychologist aren't A-holes. Sometimes if you involve the school, a whole can of worms gets opened and dumped into your lap. Only you can decide if it would benefit you to have your kids involved in school counseling.

I know that this is a long post.. but I really identified with your plea.. Though I am still wondering about the calcium?

Best wishes for your health, and your spirit to recover.

Take care,

Val

Hi M., It sure sounds like you have your hands full with your children. It's so hard when it seems like your children hate each other and are at each other all the time. Maybe what you could do when this is the behavior that they have is give them time out...one minute per year. I know they are getting older for that but it's annoying to them. If when they are in time out, they still carry on their times is extended until they can sit and be quiet for their time out.
I also found when my children acted out with each other or just in general, I would give them chores to do. I would make the dust, clean the windows, clean a bathroom, vacuum...etc. I didn't do it all at once...but I gave them a chore to do for their negative behavior. My uncle one time made his two children sit in chairs facing each other and they were not allowed to get up until they were nice with each other and cold apologize to one another. It went on for two days but never happened again.
My son used to try and get to me when he was in time out. He would sit in the chair and say, "Mom, this is great. I love being in time out. I'm so tired I need a rest!" I would totally ignore him as if he didn't exist. If I gave him a chore he'd tell me how he loved to clean windows...same thing I ignored him. The negative behavior did change...the older he got the less he would be in time out or doing chores. You could also take away something you know that they really want to do or are looking forward to. Good luck to you with your health. Try not to let them take advantage of you in your health situation. I don't know if this works...but I hope maybe some of
it will help a little. D.

In our area we have an organization called Dispute Resolution Center that handles family issues. Here is their number ###-###-####. They should be able to assist you in finding such a service near you. their email address is ____@____.com Luck

Hi M.! I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you. I do not have older children and have not gotten to this point yet, but I would recommend some intervention. Maybe a family member, a counselor, school psychologist, anyone whom you think the boys would really respect and listen to. Get some suggestions from the scholl pyschologist about techniquies you could use i.e conflict resolution, effective communication, etc.

I am not quite sure what in the world your diet would have to do with all this as suggested in the bottom post. That mom seems to say that regardless of the issue people are having.

I wish you all the best.

A.

M., First you have to help your self. Your children may be acting out because they are having difficulty dealing with your illness. Please seek counseling and medical help for you ASAP. I also suggest getting your boys into physical activities - perhaps a form of martial arts where it is not only physical exercise but also stresses self disapline and respect. This may help them to work out their frustrations. As for the early mornings - they are probably not sleeping soundly. Look into a balanced diet for them and be sure to be consistant with bed times every night.Good Luck and God Bless!

Other than reinforcing their good behavior, that really is a tough one. I have 5 kids, 3 of whom are at home. Some days are wonderfully love-filled, others not so much.

What I did want to address to you is your pain though. It may seem like a very quirky book, but The Holographic Universe is the most provocative book I have ever read. It talks a lot about people who have healed themselves through the power of positive, intentional thinking. If people can regenerate bone, cure themselves of cancer, why can't you heal yourself too? I have a friend who is in the process of curing himself of MS, and he has never felt better!

Have you seen "The Secret"? The ideas are similar. I have attended several seminars through one of the panelists of "The Secret" and have witnessed amazing results from people who have intentionally changed their lives. Changing your life could very well change the life of your children too!

I hope this didn't sound "preachy", but I only wish good things for people, and you should be having a wonderful, pain-free, love-filled life. God bless.

hi M.; first of all i want to say that you have my awe and respect, being a mom with significant health issues, it's not easy even when there aren't other obstacles.

i don't understand the title of your posting, what is it about calcium that's relevant?

as for the sibling situation; i heard about a very good book called Siblings Without Rivalry, i ordered it on the web and haven't read it yet but plan to. also, this may sound wierd, but SuperNanny's books are really excellent. she delineates simple, clear plans for discipline actions; you just need to think through what you want to accomplish with the discipline, and stick to your decisions. the worst thing with kids is to be a pushover, they can't respect you at all. i would even say that you sound like you might be a good candidate for a visit with her. why don't you write to her, and even to the Dr. Phil show? i know it seems like a crazy long shot but sometimes these people do respond; i mean after all, they have real families on thier shows, why not you?

i would also say, what about trying family therapy? perhaps you could find a minister or social worker, maybe your health care providor can suggest someone, who could foster an open conversation with you and the boys so that the boys can feel they can speak freely and are not being punished. it might be a good way to balance discipline. maybe they need to understand that though there are going to be consequences for thier actions, you also really want to get to the bottom of what's making them so unhappy, and help.

i would not be surprised if your boys are acting out a lot of thier sorrow for your health problems in the form of anger; we don't allow boys to cry and have a full range of vulnerable emotions in our society, so often, when they are feeling sad and scared, such as if thier mom is sick, they behave angrily, because that's more macho. maybe some focused close time to talk about what's going on with you, to help them understand, is needed.

also, i wonder this; are your medications in order? is it possible that you are overmedicated, and that this is slowing you down excessively and making it even harder for you to respond to the boys' needs? maybe an evaluation of what you are taking, to see if there are options that might be less oppressive for you, would help.

and also, do you have help with the boys? is your husband involved with thier discipline, thier care, thier feelings? do you need more help? what about considering another adult to help out in the home, such as a male college student, or an aunt or grandma, who could spend time with the boys and devote themselves to filling in some of the gaps for you?

i think it's very hard to be compassionate to difficult boys; they are so overwhelming. but try to remember that the boys really love you a lot and they are only children; they may talk smart but they are barely more than babies, and they need you and your husband to continue to help guide them and to help them grow up. they can't figure out thier feelings on thier own. try to forgive them, see your pastor if you can, and try to work with them instead of against them.

good luck to you,
J.

how about a good old fashion sit down, and explain the way you are feeling . Pain life etc, and what they can do to help make it a lot easier for you. They have feelings too and may be needing to talk to you about what they are feeling. 14 year olds are going thorugh all that gor stuff called hormones and puberty and it must be affecting them both knowing and wondering about mom. Maube if you guys were able to get some of it out you might be able to move forward. I have an anxiety disorder and have depression, which I am medicated for I see a psycholigist every month for the past 2 years and i think EVERYONE should have one. SERIOUSLY!
So maybe just a counsellor that your doc could recommend could help to bring things togetehr for the boys and for yourself to help make life a little better for everyone. Good Luck!

You are NOT alone! I am the 41 year old working mom mother of 4. Two of them would happily slit each other's throats. There are several things that I heard of that have helped. The best advice was to give each of them ten minutes alone with me each day. It can even be just sitting by ther bed speaking with them one on one without the other in the room. Another idea was to get them involved together in a vharity project. When they feed the hungry or pass out coats at a shelter it's harder for them to fight about the minor annoyances at jhome. The third suggestion you may not be comfortable with. I would see if they may need some counseling to deal with your illness. GOOD LUCK!-I. S.

I was wondering about the Calcium too, and went back and learned that you live in Calcium, NY.

I think part if it may be that the older one is frustrated because of your illness, and is trying to emotionally pull away, but it could be a teen thing too. Teens turn into trolls and assert themselves at this time. With all the hormones raging through his body, its a wonder that any teen is sane about this age.

As someone who lives in daily pain, I know where you are coming from. I have R.A. I long to do a lot of things I can't do anymore, but I'm trying to focus on staying as healthy as I can, and participate as much as I can with my family, and I think that I've learned to deal with this disease safely and naturally.

But that said, you have to assert yourself to let your children know that you are queen boss, and that type of behavior will not be tolorated by anyone. I liked the suggestions of chores, and you should not let your teen disrespect anyone.

Best of luck to you for your health as well.

You need to take a good hard look at what you are feeding yourself and your family.
Sounds like too much sugar and carbs. Not enough outside play for the boys to run around.
You need to focus on finding alternative ways of getting yourself better... Western Drs. don't always know best. Pick up a book called Prescription to Good Health.