Help!!! - Olympia,WA

As I read this I thought you were talking about an older child. Your description fits the actions of this age. Lighten up. Smile! Parenting is the most difficult job one can have. You're making life even more difficult than it needs to be. You cannot prevent difficulties happening when she's a teen by treating her as a teen, expecting behavior from a young child that she is not able to do.

It also sounds to me that the two of you are involved in a power struggle. With so much that you disapprove of and your anger at her :disobedience" you can expect a power struggle. Preschoolers need a some autonomy. This is at the age that they are learning to be independent. It's up to parents to supervise their efforts. It's also up to us to have reasonable expectations, allow them to explore, and give them lots of approval.

A face that says, "make me" is unpleasant but nothing to be upset about. She is a preschooler. We can expect a teen to "wipe that look off their face." By punishing her for showing her feelings you are teaching her to "go underground" with her feelings. You want to know what she's feeling so that you can validate them and if the way she expresses them in inappropriate to teach her what she can do with the way she feels. When you acknowledge that "make me" look perhaps by saying "I know you don't want to do this and that's OK. But you do still have to do it." Have you considered that you are responding to her challenge when you let her expression upset you?

It's the sense of not having their feelings validated and the parents' unreasonable expectation to be in total control that causes many teens to rebel. We teach respect by showing respect. Allowing negative feelings as well has happy ones is part of showing respect. We can prevent some teen difficulties when our children are young by sowing them respect.

Toddlers and preschoolers are at a different developmental level than preteens and teens. When you focus on preventing teen behavior you're missing out on teaching them preschool behavior. Preschoolers are in constant motion. They get into everything. They're learning on the fast track. To avoid the power struggle put things, such as your chrochet bag, out of her reach. Have a couple of drawers and a closet that she can get into. Put locks on the others. Play with her and model the behavior you want her to learn and show her the things that she can do. Above all focus on what is right with your daughter. Build her confidence by showing your confidence in her.

You can have confidence if you have reasonable expectations based on her developmental level. Get a book about child development and what you can expect from a preschooler. Read the chapters on discipline and power struggles. Learn how to relate with her on her level.

When you put her on the mat in a time out, how long do you expect her to stay there? It sounds like it's for hours. It should be no longer than 1 minute for each year in age. You are fortunate that she goes to the mat and stays there for any period time. If she says she's there because she's tired agree with her. The goal is to teach her appropriate behavior. She may very well be tired. When you allow her to say she's tired she may eventually put together being tired with misbehaving and thus be better able to correct her own behavior. Isn't that the goal of parenting? When you put her in time out calmly tell her why she's there. When the short period of time is over give her a hug and tell her you know that she will learn how to behave.

A preschooler cannot sit quietly indefinately on a mat witout something to occupy their minds. Their attention span is very short. Within a few minutes she won't remember why she's there. She will probably be angry that she has to stay there.

Babies are born with a basic brain. As they explore and try new things they build more nerves and connections. The exploring and trying new things is what enables babies and children to develop into a smart child. If she is prevented from exploring and mostly told not to get into things her brain will not develop as well as it would have if she were given more opportunities. That doesn't mean that you let her cut up your pattern. It does mean that you provide appropriate experiences that enable her to learn and grow.

An aside comment: When I was a preschooler I cut a dress out for my doll from the middle of a new piece of fabric. My grandmother explained why I shouldn't have done that. She didn't punish me. She did tell me that when I wanted to make a dress to ask her for help. I still remember that lesson and the sense of being capable it gave me.

If your goal is to teach your daughter what she can do as well as separate her from temptation put her in a child proof room with toys, perhaps music and books. Does she have a space her very own where she can play with the toys she wants to play with in the way she'd like to play with them? Distraction is an effective discipline.

Give her a couple of drawers and a closet tht she can get into. Put a lock on those you don't want her getting into. She's a very young child with a short attention span who is driven by her biology to explore and learn. Set up your space so that she can do that.

About not being able to trust her to stay in her bed and nap. You cannot make her go to sleep. This may be a part of what has caused the power struggle. Several books recomend and mothers on this site allow their children to play quietly in their room. This gives them a rest and often when they need the sleep they fall asleep on the floor. Insisting that she stay in bed without any distractions and fall asleep is a battle you'll lose.

She is from another country? How long has she been with you? Could some of her behavior be related to her cultural background? Some cultural expectations are passed down thru the generations without most of us being aware of it happening.

You said that you've recently moved and you understand her being upset. Are you simpathizing or comiserating with her? Are you letting her know that you know a move is difficult? And are you doing anything new with this move to help her become more used to it?

All children need lots of loving attention. Most need frequent loving touches. Some need more than others. EVen tho it's a difficult task it is our job as parents to learn how to provide what the child needs and how to fit those needs in with our own needs.

Your message sounds like you're really tough on your daughter, have little patience with her childish ways and are also loosing patience with your husband. A tense environment makes it more difficult for a child to learn and for a parent to have patience.

I sympathize with you. It sounds like you've taken on motherhood before doing the necessary reading and learning to deal with a child. Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs there are but yet we as a society do not provide training for the job. We assume that parenting just comes naturally. It doesn't!

Your daughter sounds like a normal child doing the normal things. It also sounds like you don't want to hear that. And yes, people laugh but it's not at you. It's a laugh of understanding because they've been there. It may also be a laugh because they don't know what else to say. You needn't take it personally. Know that you are doing the best that you can with the information you have at the moment. You are also handicapped by your age. The older we get the less patience we have and the more set in our expectations become. I was 46 when I adopted and found out I had to work harder on being patient than I did at 36. At 66 I know that I have less endurance and less ability to juggle several things at once. There is a reason our bodies are most productive when we're young. I commend you for taking on this task and giving this child a better life.

Hi Teresa. You are 46 and a first time mom... Congratulations! Kids are a big lifestyle change for anyone. It's hard to remember what it is like to be a young child and how they think.

I think your daughter's behavior is typical for her age. She is curious because she is intelligent. When you taught middle and high school, didn't you enjoy the curious students, the thinkers? They probably did alot of exploring as children, too.

In order to give a child freedom to discover things, you have to make your house as "safe" as possible. I don't know how old Teresa is, but until she understands boundaries, you may have to keep your personal things in one place and lock the door. It's a pain, I know because my firstborn could undo a childproof latch by the time she was 1 year old so we had to re-organize the whole house.

Sorry to hear that Teresa cut up your crochet pattern. I'm also sorry to tell you that kids will break and destroy alot of stuff as they grow up...dishes, windows, curtains, walls, landscaping, cars.... I don't mean to discourage you, just to prepare you to put away anything precious and bring out the plastic plates. If your parents can remember, they probably could tell you about a few things of theirs that you ruined, too. My mom decided to leave out her pretty vases and plates, and just glued them back together when we knocked them over. Each one now has a "story". I'm not as easy going as my mom so I boxed up my heirlooms so I could relax in my own house. You will have to decide which way works best for you and your family. Good luck and enjoy your bright little girl!

It sounds like your daughter is 3 or 4 but you are treating her like a 15 year old. Grounding her? Try to set appropriate punishments and appropriate expectations for a preschooler not a high schooler. She should get 1 minute per year of age in time out. If she is "grounded" indefinately of course she will become antsy and act out. Try to give her activities that keep her busy and help build her ability to concentrate.

Perhaps she cut up your pattern because she is jealous that you spend time crocheting instead of giving that time to her. Find a craft that she can do similar to crocheting and do it together.

You say you can't trust her to sleep in her room because she will play with her toys. Is there another room that could be her play room for all of her toys and her bedroom could be just for sleeping?

You are being h*** o* her now to prevent her being a bad teenager? It is good to set rules and expect them to be followed but it is also important to discipline them appropriately for the age they are not the age they are going to be.

At this age, she is still learning how to communicate her feelings. When she acts out or makes a face at you that is a form of communication. Try to react to her communication without getting upset. She get a reaction from you so she continues to do it.

I'm the 42-yo first-time mom of a 2.5-yo, so I sympathize. I am not one who had built up idealized images of what parenting would be like, so I am often surprised by my own reactions. Kids really stretch your emotional range, don't they? They are more delightful and more infuriating than anything else on earth.

The one thing I wanted to add besides my sympathy is the bit of advice that I really cling to: one of the discipline writers out there, I can't even remember who it is, stresses that when you call a kid on her misbehavior you must also give her the chance to make it right. Otherwise it teaches nothing except that exploration, mistakes, and accidents elicit a negative response, and encourages them to either stop taking risks (not good) or taking them behind your back (even worse). I have used this even with such a little creature and it not only makes her feel better about the whole incident, but also minimizes repeats.

I know it is hard to hear, but it is all normal, and it sounds like you are being way too h*** o* her. She is exploring and playing... she doesn't realize why it is wrong until you point it out to her. Child-proof! Make sure she has plenty of activities accessible to her. Keep color wonder where she can reach it for art. Keep construction paper where she can reach it for ripping up. Instead of leaving her to entertain herself, get engaged and do activities with her. I think most of us can sympathize that our husbands don't watch the kids nearly as well, but you should still give him plenty of practice. You wouldn't want to be blamed for something she got into on your watch, so be careful not to put too much blame on him. I am not saying that your daughter should get away unpunished, but time outs should not exceed one minute per year of age. You mentioned preschool, so I am guessing 3 or 4 years old. Time out should never go on for 10 minutes of more! Instead of time outs, or spankings, or whatever other punishments, I recommend natural consequences. If it takes you 30 minutes to clean up her mess, then explain to her that you can't go to the park today because you have to clean up the mess. If she colors on the wall, make her scrub the wall clean with a wet washcloth for a good long while before you privately clean it off in seconds with a magic eraser. If she destroys something special to you, make her trade and give you something special of hers. The key here is not to discipline the curiosity out of her, but to teach her empathy and how to apologize (not just with words, but by DOING something to make the situation better). Let her see you upset (not out of control or angry). Let her know why you are devastated, or how upset you are that you can't finish your project because you don't have the plans anymore.
It sounds too like she is high energy and needs more active play... maybe outside. Let her get dirty and encourage exploration... then she won't need to seek it in sneaky disobedient ways.
Use extra tall baby gates to contain her if you need to get something done and can't keep a close eye on her. Allow her a few small toys or board books in bed so the temptation to get up and play isn't unbearable. You can't expect her to stay in bed and force herself to sleep with toys all over her room calling out to her! Keep in mind though that boredom may cause her to slowly dissect that board book... oh well... shop Dollar Tree.

I am a very strict parent, so don't think I am implying that you should be liberal in your parenting... I am not. Just look at things from a preschoolers point of view and not a teenagers. Her motives are entirely different.

Most kids cannot be trusted alone until about age 5... and that is only if their behavior leads you to think they are trustworthy. Every personality is different. I could trust my daughter by age 2 with anything for any amount of time, but my son acts before he thinks and cannot be left alone for more than 5 minutes. It is all a matter of teaching, growing, and patience.

If your daughter is 3/4....boy is that my favorite age!!! Little explorers getting into everything, learning how their bodies work, making huge cognitive leaps! Now, I'm also a) slightly masochistic & b) a photography nut. There have literally been times where I felt my temper start to skyrocket...and I had the choice between getting angry...or getting the camera. For example the time when my 2 year old took EVERY SINGLE ROLL OF TOILET PAPER IN THE HOUSE and PUT THEM IN THE TOILET. A whole mountain of toilet paper. Thank you Costco. (I was in the connecting closet, perhaps 3 feet away, with my back turned but my ears listening to him play happily. Sigh.) The camera won out. Other times it's just so hilariously fascinating to watch those little minds look at their rectangular sandwich. Look at the rectangular hole in the VCR. Look back at the sandwich. (Funny when you see the contemplation, not if you FIND the results of that contemplation.) Or when they make the leap, that we always put our socks in our shoes when we get home, and then one day they go running though the house grabbing every pair of socks they can find and piling them on top of the shoes by the door. I just LOVE this age. Little scientists. What will happen if I do this?? What about this way? What about THAT? Love watching them learn.

Now....If she's 6/7 you've got a problem.

If she's 8/9 you've got a SERIOUS problem.

One of the things that has been my biggest blessing while raising my son is that I was required to take Lifespan Development for my degree. Ahem. Twice. (Now, I got an A both times, it was a changing colleges semester v quarter issue). The first time I took it I was pregnant. The second time my son was 2 years old. I can't HIGHLY enough recommend developmental psychology to any parent... especially a parent who is a professional teacher. I flip through them about once a year (i never sell my books back), and it's amazing how much I forget/gloss over because I'm not "there" yet. Developmental Psychology is also as different from Child Psychology as night and day. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure child psychology is great...but CP is more designed for abnormal psych in kids...and DP is far more about normalcy.

Anyhow...here are the 2 texts that I like the best. There IS some repeat, but as with any book, they have slightly differing perspectives

The Developing Person Through the Life Span (Hardcover) http://www.amazon.com/Developing-Person-Through-Life-Span...

Exploring Lifespan Development
http://www.amazon.com/Exploring-Lifespan-Development-MyDe...

Best of Luck,

(Oh...and by the way, most of the time when people laugh at the trials of other parents...it's a been there done that self defense mechanism. One of the few things that allows us to cling to the shreds of our sanity.)

I totally agree with Marda. please take what she says to heart.

M. - When I first read this I thought, "Well, she doesn't say how old her daughter is, but I would guess three or just-turned-four." I read some other responses, and see that she's 3. Unfortunately, your daughter is doing exactly what can be expected for her age! I know it sucks, but it's just natural. You have to be on your toes all day! (But don't let it discourage you too much - some kids are mess-makers, and some aren't. I have experience with both among my own children as well as 23 nieces and nephews! You should hear some of their stories!)

My advice would be, make fun age appropriate activities available for your daughter because she wants to be involved in something. Enroll her in a dance/gymnastics/soccer/whatever class at the local Parks & Rec. Spend time with her inside and out.

As far as discipline, set clear boundaries about what is okay and what is not for her to touch, then do a time out for 1 minute/year of age if she disobeys. Then she helps you clean up the mess if she can do that safely. But you aren't teaching her anything except anger if she's "grounded" on a mat for who knows how long for doing something she didn't know she shouldn't be doing.

Work on your patience, and make sure that you decide on your rules, strategies, and consequences together with your husband so that your daughter is always having clear and consistent boundaries and routines. She'll grow out of it, and most likely be a great student in the future because of her inquisitive mind!

My son is 2 1/2 and he is constantly on the move and into everything. We have a gate in our hallway that divides our house in half. The half of the house that has his bedroom, his toy room, our kitchen, and our family room is kid proof so that he can roam free and we don't have to worry about what he will get into. If there are things we don't want him getting into we put them out of his reach. All the lower cabinets in the kitchen have items that are safe for him to play with like tupperware and pots and pans. Anything he can climb is attached to the wall so it will not fall on top of him. Some kids just are extremely active and curious at this age and it is normal. It can be frustrating but if you rearrange your house a little and make things as kid friendly as possible during this time of her life it can really help reduce some of the stress. That is good that she is truthful when you ask her about something she did. Some kids need to test their boundaries daily because it makes them feel safe to know that the rules are still the same and that their parents are still enforcing those rules. Set clear limits for her and give age approriate consequences when she tests those limits. Also give her lots of positive attention and love and remember to take a moment every day to really appreciate and enjoy the unique individual that she is.

Hi M.,
Sounds like she needs things to keep her occupied. Maybe set up a little craft or building area for her. The have twistable washable crayons, washable paints, kids scissors, papers, stickers etc. and an area of building type things, blocks, lincoln logs, etc. When she gets into stuff take her over to those things and say these are your things to do. Some children just need to stay busy and if you don't have stuff for her to do she will get into stuff. Also, my son use to get into stuff when he spent to much time playing by himself. He needed a little more attention from us, instead of just playing by himself. So when he would ask us to read or play and we didn't he would get into stuff. We all get busy wiht the household things to do, get her involved in whatever you are doing, etc.. your cooking have her in the kitchen with you playing with the pots and pans or play food, your doing laundry have her get the laundry out of the dryer while you fold, etc. Kids love to help out and there are lots of things she can do while you are doing things to keep her busy and you can keep an eye on what she is into. Good Luck!

Hi Mary,

WOW!! You have received some great advise. To me, they all are saying pretting much the same thing. I totally agree the all of it. Something I would personlly recommend is "Love and Logic" These are books and cd's. They are wonderful. We have two boys, ages 16 and almost 12. Our 12 year old is ADHD and bipoler. He is a constent battle.

Remember to always ask yourself some simple questions:

1. In 10 years will it REALLY matter (that she cut your pattern)?

2. What can be taught here. Being mad and out of control will only teach uncontrolable anger. You learn what you live.

Life is too short to not be happy. Our job as a parent is to teach our children to be kind, loving, honest, and accountable adults. What can we do to make this happen? There is no easy answer. Everyone is different. What works on one may not the other. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it changes again. It is all trial and error.

Good luck and be happy. :)

Marda gave you excellent advice.

I recommend reading "The Discipline Book" by Dr. Sears.

Good luck. You have a bright, curious, energetic little girl.

HI Mary, yes it is true that three year olds cant stop moving. They are very inquisative, however she should not be looking at you in a way that says, "i know im not supposed to, but i dont care." she is testing you(and remember they are professional manipulaters) she knows better at three than to touch something she is not supposed to. YOU ARE NOT BEING TO HARD ON HER. please dont make excuses for your childs behavior ie the move. hold her up to your expectation. that doesent mean you have no fun, or every minute is taken up with time outs. She will RESPECT you if you show her who has the authority Love is tought and is an action not just a feeling. If you cant trust her to sleep in her room, you probably cant trust her to do much so when you dicipline you will have to stay nearby to inforce the rules. Go with your gut the fact that your asking means you care enough to create a healthy happy productive member of society. By the way i am a mother of a beautiful happy talented and gifted junior high student who has great morals and values about right and wrong.

We are going through a similar situation. Our daughter is 3 (almost 4) and is always on the go. She hasn't been destructive (for the most part) but she is constantly testing us. One of the moms on this site suggested to me the book "Taming the Spirited Child". I haven't gotten a chance to sit down and read it yet, but I did read a book called "Setting Limits With Your Strong-Willed Child". I highly recommend it. It has really helped us to step back from the situation, evaluate the way we have been doing things, and try different techniques to get the behavior that we want from her. It's tough and she has been testing us even harder at times to see if we truly mean what we say, but it is working. Patience and follow through are the biggest things. Whoever said that it should be called the terrible 3's instead of the terrible 2's was absolutely right! Good luck to you!

M.,

I'm glad I'm typing and not in person - I'm laughing and you might take that the wrong way. I know it's frustrating - take it from me, my child came toward me at 6AM one morning with BLACK hands (she had gotten into the ink at my computer!!) and that's just one in a long list of adventures born of incredible curiosity.

I cannot tell what age your daughter is (maybe I missed it) but, truly, I hope you won't over-react. I say, run her - literally, take her out and exercise her each day so that she's too tired to get up to no good! If she is anything like mine, she's just curious, curious smart! I don't envy you - the days I walked in to find her finger-painting with Purell and Toothpaste...or pouring out freeze-dried worms on the bed...well, let's just say, I totally feel your pain!

If you have an outdoor basketball hoop or something, it sounds like a perfect father-daughter activity to me! :-)

Good luck!
T. B.

Well, first of all I would get big red stickers and put them on everything you would not like her to get into. If there is a closet she cannot get into, put a lock on it (there are various kinds at the hardware store)and bid red sticker at her eye level.

This will give you some rest. Explain this system to your daughter and your husband. Red means stop!

I would put her in some sport activity. You didn't say how old she is, but swimming is really good at getting kids to coordinate their movements.

I know that you have already gotten a lot of great advice, but I will chime in anyways.

I have to tell you, when I first read your post my gut reaction was to tell you that your expectations are nuts and that you are cruel for letting her sit on a mat for extended periods of time. But I realize that that is not very helpful.

I would highly recommend for you to take some parenting/lifespan psych classes to understand what's going on. You could also join a reflective parenting group, if a "class" setting is not for you (check it out at listening mothers).

If you prefer a one on one setting and can afford it get a parenting coach or counselor, your adoption agency may be able to refer you to someone that specializes in working with adoptive families - as this does have it's own additional challeges.

My point is that this is about YOU having to adapt your parenting skills to deal with age appropriate behaviour, rather than your child "misbehaving".
In the mealwhile, childproof your home, so that your daughter cannot get into things she's not supposed to be in.