Help!!! 3 1/2 Yr Old Being "Bad" at Preschool

Hi,
when my son was 3, he didn't like going to pre-school either. He wasn't having classroom problems, he just didn't want to pack up and go 3 days a week. Now that he is 4 and with 2 new teachers, he loves it.
I always ask my son WHY? Don't focus on the bad. Can he stay home with you and take a break and start again when he is 4?
E. V.

You don't mention if he received any medication for his croup. My son gets these types of coughs a couple of times per year. They always treat his with either a steam/steroid mask or a liquid which is not a steroid. The forst time I was shocked by how absolutely crazy his behavior was for the next week. I spoke with the Dr and she said there are a small percentage of kids who have behavior issues after. I wish we didn't have to do these treatments, but i have learned that without it we are going to end up in the ER. I get the impression that this is a new behavior so if it is not the medication, a teacher conference would be the next step to see wahts really going on.

Good luck
L.

I've worked in preschools for a long time. It sounds like he just isn't ready for the emotional and social aspect of preschool. This isn't uncommon in boys and the behavior he displays at school isn't uncommon, just showing typical immaturity. From my experience, kids, especially boys, do better in preschool closer to 4 1/2, the year before kinder. His time may be better spent at mommy and me type classes. He's got a long school life ahead of him. Enjoy your time with him now. You're his best teacher!

Hi there!
I just wanted to mention that my daughter was having similar issues when she was 3 1/2. She would get in physical fights with kids and her teacher would tell me that she was very bad and that she was out of control. I punished her because I didn't really know what to do. But after a couple weeks I realized something. My daughter was first of all bored in the preschool class. She had learned everything she could from that class and she was ready for something with more structure. I spoke to the school director and she agreed. My daughter is a little advanced in speech and she already new all her ABC's etc...so they moved her up to the Pre K class with 4-5 year olds and she shaped up right away! Sometimes being around older kids helps kids learn the approprite way to act. I also realized that her teacher in the preschool class was very impatient with her. Instead of using positive reinforcement she was just concentrating on the negative. And that really brought out the worst in my girl. I know she is a pretty fiesty girl but in no way is she a "bad" kid. As I'm sure you can say about your son. At 3 years old children don't know enough about life to be labeled as bad. And you are definately doing the right thing by bringing your son to preschool. Bringing your child to preschool will give him a head start in life!

K.,

I read your post and thought about my early days in Preschools, and then read some of the other repsonses. To be honest, it sounds like the teacher may not be able to meet your sons needs or challenge him intellectually, so he's challenging her with behavior. Kids at this age are not 'bad' but, learning how to appropriately react to situations that as adults we 'should' know how to react to...sometimes Preschool teachers get very stuck in the idea of creating a 'fun' place to learn that they forget about structure and guidance.

I love the idea of talking to the Director and asking about the thought of a more challenging program. He may be ready for more structure. It's worth a shot. My son just started 2 days a week, for socialization and because frankly some kids are just ready for that environment, and he loves it. But, kids don't always have great days at school, especially when they are sick.

Also, if he was sick with croup, like my son is right now, I have no idea how to gauge my son's mood right now. He's up and down, and just not the same happy go lucky kiddo he usually is. We saw the doctor on Monday and he told us it takes up to two full weeks in most cases to completely get rid of croup...so, give him some time to recooperate. Explain this to the teacher, and maybe see if his behavior is related to sick.

Good Luck! And, don't forget to try talking to the Director to see what her/his opinion is.

I used to be a preschool teacher in a 2 and 3 year old classroom. Something I noticed is that it takes the part-time students so much longer to get used to a school environment when their attendance is not regular. 3 year olds are at the age where they are just beginning to UNDERSTAND their feelings and WHY they feel a certain way (ie: "Sammy took my toy away from me. That made me sad BECAUSE I wanted to play with it"). That is something he is experiencing for the first time and on top of that, he deals with the stress of going to an unfamiliar place just a few hours a week. That probably feels like an eternity to him. Keep communication open with the teacher. I can guarantee this behavior will continue if you switch schools. And when you talk to him, I suggest never using the word "bad". It is so much more hurtful than we think. Allow him room to vent and talk to you. He probably does have some understanding of his emotions. Hope this was helpful.

Just my 2 cents.

I wasn't their so I can't say whether he was good or bad.

My son went to speech pre-school then to regular pre-school 2 days a week for each. The Speech teacher was very strict. She said to walk on the line so you did. Now my son always had 3 new friends everytime we went to the park or McDonalds, I was never worried about his social skills. But she told me that he had problems dealing with other children, he only plays by himself and is shooting everything. I talked to my son about this he told me that out of the 5 kids that went 3 being girls (they played on the swings) and the boy was the type to be the problem in the class (to him the bad kid). I knew that my son was very picky about only playing with good kids. But it worried me all night that he had no social skills. The very next day at regular pre-school, when I picked him up the teacher came running over to me saying oh! oh! I have to tell you what your son did today. (I'm freaking out now). He had our entire class playing star wars today at recess, they were shooting bad guys and saving the girls. I looked at her and said, is that ok? She said of course he has great social skills and is a great leader. I told her the situation that had happened at speech and she said well I have noticed that he doesn't play with the kids who I have to get after alot. But that doesn't make him a bad kid, he just choses to hang with the better kids. After that I didn't take to listening to the other teacher to much.

Now back to you, ask your son what he doesn't like about the school, if he can't remember then help him out (does she yell) (does she only get mad at him)(does he hate singing time)What! You need to find out why he doesn't like the teacher or the school. Then help him to deal with those issues. If you find that the teacher really doesn't like him and he is reacting to this then move him. But remember he needs to learn to deal with all types of people. You can't always move him because he isn't happy. That doesn't teach him how to deal with people that don't like him. But picking on him is different. Tell him better was to deal with these issues.

One thing I hate is that teachers tell kids to not be tatel tells. So kids get bullied by other kids and kids don't say anything to anyone. So talk to him about tateling. If he isn't suppost to tatel then he needs to tatel to you, so that you can decide if it is just tateling or a real issue. He needs to know that you are on his side if he is honest about the situation. I agree with punishment, but before you punish him get better details because if this is really a teacher or bully then he doesn't deserve to be punished for crying out for help, in the only way he knows how. I toke my son out of speech because he hated going & I got tired of the stupid things she came up with. He was speaking and getting better all the time we just worked on teaching him how to read so that he could but a sound to the letter, and it corrected his speech from woggy to froggy.

Good Luck to you! Hopefully you can talk to your son and learn so much more about him, so you can help him. J.

Kid and people alike act up when they are unhappy. We looked at probably 10 pre-schools for our son and he went with us. When we got to number 10 (a private school), he walked in and said, "Mommy, this is my school." I was like, ok... We checked it out and had to agree with his first impression. Anyway, he was 3.5 and went 3 days for 3 hours and did very well. He went on to Jr. Kindergarten there and then we moved him to a different school and now we are homeschooling and he is thriving. We just take one year at a time and he's fine with the moves and he changes, his needs change.

Interestingly enough, the emotional points for grief are the lungs. Google it for more info.

You have already received some wonderful advice. I also would evaluate him to see if it is any type of learning, medical or behavior problem. You have to be consistent in whatever discipline technique you implement. I would leave the discipline at school to the teacher and not punish again at home for the behavior that was going on at school. I would talk a lot with him at home about positive interaction with peers and safety things (not to run with scissors, etc.) Let him have some supervised play with friends at home or in the community, so you can see how he interacts with others. Correct him for misbehavior as you observe it at the time that it occurs. Best of luck to you.

It could be a couple of things. i have 3 kids and have had different experiences with all of them. First off, I had my oldest in a school that turned out to be very un-nurturing and she was miserable and it was not her fault at all and she was not acting like herself. If teachers don't treat little kids how they need to be treated -with love, patience, fairness and rewards for good behavior, the kids act out in any number of manners and that kid becomes the target of the teacher who prefers the ones who are more easygoing. However, the school/teachers may be wonderful and it's just your kid needing to adjust, etc. My youngest is very stubborn and more difficult that the other 2. Her 1st grade teacher was an angel and really worked with me on a rewards chart for good behavior every day in class. A month of smiley faces and my daughter and i went to the toy store and she picked out a doll that she had been wanting so badly. rewards are SO much more powerful than punishments! Try that. And of course, seriously figure out if it may not be the best school for your kid. We changed my youngest's school as well at one point and the difference in her behavior was amazing and she actually WANTED to go to school! Listen to your child and go with your gut. Good luck!

Hi K.:
I concur with Jennifer. Your son's not being BAD. His behavior is age appropriate.He's attending preschool,not elementary school. The few days he spends at preschool,should be enjoyable and fun for him.He's not there to prepare for kindergarden.He's got plenty of time for that. He shouldn't be under pressure,to act older than he is. Three year olds,are just learning how to interact with others. Those helpers are there to guide him. Their purpose,is not to disapline,or report when they have misbehaved.That would be like you going to a summer camp to have fun with other kids,and your parents getting a call each day, to inform them of your enability to play sports as well as the other kids at the camp. (SO WHAT!!) Your there to have fun!! I wouldn't punish him for things that he did or didn't do at preschool. Heck, I'd hate the school to if I were him. All its caused is trouble for him at home,simply because he's not as mature as some of the older kids.Don't expect so much from the little guy.Being sick,doesn't help either. Kids can get tired and cranky just like you and I when their under the weather. I wish you and your darlin son the best. J. M.

Dearest K....I hear your concerns. My little girl is almost 3 1/2 YO and is experiencing some like situations. Lately she has been telling us she has a bad report, although the report says "good day". So we have been trying to get the reason from her, as I assume she must be threatened with a bad report if she is not good.

Recently she has mentioned she is no longer friends with 2 little girls. We have encouraged her to try to be friends and she says no for a week now. So Dad pressured her for more information and she said, "she tell me she not my friend and I tell her she not my friend, she pushed me, I pushed her...and then we bumped heads". So, Dad explains she can't do that with her friends and that is not nice. I am guessing if such a thing happened I would have received a note. I asked one of teachers if she was having troubles with the individual and the teacher explained that they have both been together since they were little and they have their differences, but then you see them playing together. We discussed a little further and then she shared that the little girls at school have little clicks. She said it was like a little Junior HS in there. Further, there is one little girl who is really cute (my opinion)that when she shows up it is like a movie star walked in. I have seen this with the little girl at a party. When she got there, all the little girls started screaming and jumping up and down.

So, we have decided to back off a bit and just realize that there will be much more of this to come and we will just have to take things case by case.

Recently, I took away a days worth of PBS programs (TV privelege)and she laughed and told me it was funny. I do know this route already...it is funny now, but will get to her eventually, so I will be consistent with it.

I did however notice you said you disciplined him at school. I disciplined my 25 year old in front of others and if I could take back something from the past it would be that. I think it goes across the board pretty much, whether we are adults or children, work or school, no one enjoys being punished in the view of others.

Best of luck and be consistent with what ever method of discipine you use.

I'm wondering if he isn't feeling well. Did he go to pre-school during the week he had the cough? Maybe he'd be better off at home until it's completely gone and he feels much better. Right now, there's been a viral bronchitis gong around that hangs on for weeks, with a cough. It just makes you feel lousy. You cant do much except rest, liquids, etc. Little children can't necessarily express the fact that they just feel a general malaise if something specific like their tummy doesn't hurt. It would be worth a try. And if the teacher is scolding him for acting out, when it's really that he feels bad, then it's no wonder he thinks he doesn't like the school or the teacher.

I think his actions are telling you something. He doesn't want to be there. I believe that today society pushes schooling and being away from the family to much. Why not start with one day a week and see if this problem stops. Are you doing this for you or for him. If you are doing it for him he is not enjoying it. I would stop taking him, you have no idea what is happening to him that he doesn't dare tell you or he won't. The bottom line he doesn't want to be there. You can make up what ever reason you want for keeping him there. Making you think it is the best. I think he would rather be with his family. Try cutting back on how long you keep him there. M. R.

If you change preschools just because he says he doesn't like it, he'll probably use that in the future. I'm sure the preschool is fine, but ask other parents to see how their kids like it. That was the perfect punishment - restricting toys. Maybe occasionally buy him a new toy if he's good, then taking it away when he's bad. Let him cry and cry. That's the way they learn. good luck!

Hi K.,

Since you are at home, can you keep him home with you? He is only 3 1/2 and as you can see by his behavior he needs the guidance of his parents - people who love him and who will give him the needed love & attention, etc. I taught preschool many years ago, and you have to remember the opinion of what is bad and what isn't is very personal. I highly suggest keeping him with you, right where he belongs, with jhis mommy! He'll love you for it! And you won't regret it. Get some preschool workbooks and you can teach him what you'd like him to know at home. Neither of my three children went to preschool, I taught them all to read with Hooked on Phonics, did workbooks with them and they (two of them as my daughter starts kindergarten this fall) went to school well adjusted and knowing how to read and doing basic math. It only takes minutes a day of taeching to get them prepared for kindergarten. And you'll have the added time of being with your precious son.

I hope this helps!

P.S. He doesn't need punishment.

Hi K.,
I used to be a preschool teacher, and let me tell you, your son doesn't sound "bad". It sounds like he learning to adjust to situations.
My suggestions would be:
First of all, I'd recommend being very conscious of the type of languaging being used about your son. One of the ground rules is to separate behavior from the child, meaning that it should be clear that it is the behavior that is not okay, not that child is bad.
The other recommendation is to find out more about the situations that were so "awful" and help your son to come up with languaging to use during those times. For example, if a child takes a toy away, it is not uncommon for a child to get frustrated or angry and then want to hit or bite, etc. I used to tell kids to say "I'm not done playing with that yet." That gives them a more constructive way to deal with the situation. Honestly, just giving them sentences that they can say can really go a long way! Another example would be if they need a child to back off, they can say "I need some space."

I don't know how long your son has been in preschool, but it sounds like it is new for him, and he is still learning. I don't honestly think that he's meaning to be defiant, I think that he is just being a 3 year old dealing with things as he knows how.
I'd also suggest explaining some of the rules about school, like listening to the teacher, keeping hands to his own body, "using his words" instead of hitting, etc. It's also important that when telling a child something not to do, that he also be told what he should do instead. That's actually a very important detail that can make a big difference.
I think it's great that your son gets to go to preschool for just a few hours at a time, and that he is happy to go and to get to socialize.
He'll be just fine.
Take care,
M.

Hi, K.. If you have the ability to be home with your kids, why does your son have to go to preschool? He probably wants to be home with you and it sounds like the teacher may have a personality conflict with your son, so why subject him to her? Kids can tell and a bad or unkind teacher can do unbelievable damage to your son.
Besides, your son can get "social interaction" at church in Sunday School, at the park, or when you get together with friends for playdates. Keep your pumpkin home and love him like no one else ever will.
PS - you know your son better than anyone else. Don't second guess your decisions or parenting where he is concerned just because of what someone else says.

First, I would set up a conference with the teacher. Get some specifics as to what is he doing. Punishing a 3yo for being "bad" at school isn't really going to do much of anything other then to turn him off of school and learning. Preschool should always be a positive experience. And if this has only been a recent thing, then maybe he's still not feeling good. But if he's behavior has always been an issue to any extent then you need to look at why. Maybe he's too young for the program, or maybe you're looking at him being ADHD.

Second, set up an appointment with his Pediatrician and see about having him evaluated for ADHD. I know with my ADHD-inattentive son that we saw signs even in preschool. (my son's preschool had worked with other ADHD children previously and so knew how to gently handle him. They were also the first ones who suggested that we get him evaluated because "his activity level wasn't the same as normal kids" and he was "different".) And from talking to other parents who have children with the hyper version of ADHD that their kids often had serious problems even in preschool!

If your pediatrician won't consider it (he's too young excuse) get a referral, or find another doctor. Don't stop until you get an answer.

It could be that he and the teacher aren't "compatible" with each other - as sad as it sounds for preschool. SO maybe a switch in classrooms/teachers will help. But if it is ADHD then getting him evaluated early is going to save you a lot of grief and stress down the road. Its not uncommon for Undiagnosed, severely affected ADHD-hyperactive children to go through or get kicked/banned from 6 or 10 preschools in their short life before someone finally tells the parents that the child needs to be evaluated. A good preschool will work with a parent in helping an ADHD child succeed, but they need to know what they are dealing with.

Hope you get it figured out. All the best.
D.

Hi,
I think all children have different personalities and temperatments that have to be factored in - but I would be VERY concerned that he doesn't like his preschool. If you are able to stay and watch how the class is run, that would be ideal. I think it's important in building trust with your son (that he can come to you with a problem) by taking what he says to heart. I'd switch him if you can. Preschool is suppose to be enjoyable and if it's not, then it's not well run. Some children are not mature enough for a classroom, but you would know your son best. I would also talk to the teacher, ask for her thoughts on why his is misbehaving. It may shed some light. Sometimes it's not the teacher, it could be an aide or even another child that makes your boy have a miserable day. There may be something that can be remedied. Of course, you still have to emphasize with your son (if you decide to switch schools) that school rules are often different from house rules. Prepare him for that. The second school might have different rules from the first school and let him know that's okay. But be serious in letting him know that chasing another student with scissors or being aggressive in any way is unacceptable at any school and that he has to use his big boy manners. He's still learning, that's what preschool is about. And there's a big difference between chasing and forgetting scissors are in your hand and actually trying to stab at someone. At this age, there's a lot of pretending and they don't even realize the consequences of stabbing with scissors. That's why we must teach them. I think you handled it well - but I would still carefully the evaluate the school you're at and consider your options. Go with your Mom instinct and do what's best for your son.

Kathi,
Just a little suggestion from a grandma and childcare provider for over 30 years. Maybe what he needs is to stay home with mommy. Boys mature at a slower rate than girls and although he enjoys the other children he may miss being away from you. Try exposing him to some playdates with othe kids at a park or someone elses home where you can be present. He will be okay, sometimes children express emotions they do not understand by being aggressive. And maybe you can see what triggers these outburst and help him to understand why he is feeling this way. One thing that just breaks my heart is to say a child is "bad". His actions are unacceptable but he is not bad. Kids do not understand all the emotions they feel and need words to help them understand. Be patient because you are a Mom the first time with every child you have, because each child is a new and different person created by a Loving God just for you.
God Bless You
Grandmama Jo

You've gotten a lot of great responses so I won't repeat, but the one thing I wanted to say was this: The first year my son went to preschool he had a great school, great teachers. There was one minor incident that happened between him and a friend (can't even remember what it was now) but when I talked to the teacher about it, I asked her if I should punish him at home. And she said NO, it happened at school, we deal with it at school and he shouldn't be disciplined twice for the same action. That stuck with me. However, I did request that they always inform me if there was an incident that he had to be disciplined for, so that I could at least talk to him about it and make sure to hear his feelings about it. In your case I would definitely talk to the teacher/director and see how they handle the situation. If you don't like what they have to say, walk! There are plenty of great pre-schools out there!

Hi K.,

Wow, you are being h*** o* yourself! Remember, the primary point of preschool is to learn socialization skills. You are not alone in getting the occasional "bad report." My son was in trouble at preschool a few weeks ago for poking scissors at another classmate (he didn't hurt the boy at all) and then hugging that classmate a bit too hard--which totally surprised me, since I thought he understood the scissors-safety issue, and he's never been that aggressive with other kids. (I know that his friends get in trouble too--I've seen it when I've volunteered in the classroom--many moms won't admit publicly if their kids get in trouble at school, so you may not know about their struggles).

But you know, our kids are learning all kinds of things at preschool--good behavior and bad--they are watching each other and modeling what they see and trying it out on the adults around them and analyzing the result.

I bet your son is not perfect at home, either. Mine isn't! So--doesn't it stand to reason that he will have the occasional not-so-good day at school?? :-) And yes, I think kids who are ill and/or overtired will be crankier at school--they sure are at home...

I think you did the right thing by taking toys away at home and talking to him (if your son was so upset by the loss of his toys, that's a good indicator that his learning curve will be short--good news for you and his teacher). This is what we do in our home, too. Sometimes it's good to remember that our kids are little, and it often takes them a bunch of times to learn and remember rules. (For example, I can't believe I still have to tell my almost five year-old that we must brush and floss before bed, pee before leaving the house, wash our hands after being outside and before meals, and why "quiet time" is important, etc., etc.). My son told me today that sometimes he "just doesn't want to follow the rules." Well--sure! No one wants to follow rules all of the time. However, if we choose not to, then we have to be willing to pay consequences.

If your son seems to be getting "in trouble" a lot and/or continually expresses his dislike for school (an occasional expression would be very normal, I think--our kids are too little to completely explain their feelings, so an "I don't like that" is probably the easiest for them to say), then you could always go volunteer in his classroom for a couple of days and see how he is and what his environment is like for yourself. Perhaps a friend or relative can watch your two year-old so that you can do this...

Good luck!
:-) D.
P.S. Wow--I just reviewed your past responses and WOW. I can't believe how many people suggest that you bring your son home and/or find a new school or think that the teacher might be the problem! Wow, ladies! Really?? If this was an ongoing problem with a miserable child who was always getting into trouble, I'd agree--but kids are learning social skills in preschool! Every day is not going to be easy for them! Learning to stand in a line, wait your turn, share, not throw sand, eat a snack with others, not shove fingers up noses, pass out napkins, clean up toys, write your name, cut out shapes, paint, sing songs, read, not run over your friend on the playground with a tricycle, and express your feelings in a positive manner without hitting, biting, or saying mean things--ALL OF THAT stuff can be a challenge for little ones. Thank goodness preschools exist to help us moms and dads take on the socialization challenges--otherwise, kindergarten is going to be a real struggle (as it's so academic in this current day and time). I'm a former high school teacher--if we took kids out of school for having the occasional bad day--then every kid under 18 would have to be home-schooled (and then they'd be having many of those same problems at home, too) and I guess every college student and adult would have to work from home, too, since no one would know how to get along in the world outside of their families. Sheesh! K.'s boy wasn't listening, was a bit aggressive, wasn't sharing, and forgot scissor-safety--on TWO occasions! Let's not get crazy, here. He's 3 1/2, after all! If he keeps on doing it, then perhaps you try something new! Sheesh again!

Hi K.. I can sympathize with you. I don't know what's going on with your son, but I can share my experience and hope that it helps. My daughter had a terrible preschool experience when she was 3. Going to school made her terribly anxious, and she stopped talking to everyone except us. I tried to work through it but eventually took her out after about 6 months because it was just too much for her. When she was 4, I put her back in, and the director of the school told me she suspected that my daughter had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). She recommended the book The Out-Of-Sync Child, which I read. In that book was my daughter, and your son sounds like many of the pages I read in there.

In addition to the book, you can go to http://www.spdfoundation.net/ for more info. We currently have our daughter in therapy with an occupational therapist, and I think it's helping. If you have any questions, you can send me a message.

Hi K. -

I'd take him out of the school and find one he likes, it could make all the difference.

Good luck, L.

K., A conference with his teacher is a fantastic start! While speaking with her, ask her what is happening right before his "bad" behavior (poor choice of words on her part), and how she (the teacher) responds to the behavior. What about the other children involved? How is she dealing with them? Is this a situation where your son has acted out a few times, and now the teacher expects that behavior from him, causing her to see it worse than it really might be? (chasing someone with scissors is a different story) Can you observe him at school, where he cannot see you? I do think it is a great idea to keep him in a social environment, as he does need to learn expected behavior for Kindergarten. He needs to learn to deal with his peers and teachers. If you want to make a change, the suggestions of changing classrooms is a great one. Punishing him at home for something that happened at school may not be as effective as you think, as a lot of time has passed between the behavior and the punishment. I am not a fan of punishment, anyway. Guidance is the key. Focus on the acceptable behavior, not "be a good boy today", to give him a concrete idea of what is expected of him. "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & How to Listen So Kids Will Talk" is a great book. I have a preschool in my home and have found this book a wonderful resource; useful for every child and every family. Remember, the preschool staff is a partner with you in educating and raising your son - hold them accountable and be certain they are treating your son with the same respect they expect to receive from him. Make certain they are modeling the behavior you want your son to learn and that they hold all children to a similar expectation. Peace to you. B. P.S. Your son might have had a tough day at preschool today. Make sure you greet him with a giant hug and a mommy smile before getting "the report" from his teacher. BC

Is he getting enough sleep? check out my sleep blog for details- www.lullabyluna.com
Are there any stressful situations at home?
What is he watching on TV? How much? Media directly effects behavior- I just read recently that children don't differentiate completely between reality and make-believe until age 7.

Good luck!