Grandma Problems

Oh my gosh K., this grandmother would have been me 10 years ago. My son was almost 17 when he came home and told me his girlfriend was pregnant. I didn't really yell or anything, just told him to not expect me to be the grandmotherly type. No babysitting or things like that. It was their responsibility and leave me out of it.
Well, when that baby was born, you couldn't get me away from her. I was the perfect grandmother!!
So hang in there until the baby is born and you might see a change.
Babies do that sometimes:)

She may just be in initial shock of the situation. Prove her wrong about you by being the best wife and mother possible. Yes, wife. This baby needs an intact, loving two parent home with parents who are committed to each other. It's not time to play house.
Arrange to stay home with the baby and be the best mom you can. When she sees you are serious about giving the best to her son and grandchild, she will come around. Things may not always be perfect with you two, but just be polite to her. Kill her with kindness, as they say.
Please get married and give this baby the proper foundation and home he/she deserves. the rest will fall into place.

Dear K,
Don't worry, there is nothing like a sweet baby to soften a hard grandma. She will fall in love with him when she can hold him. If it doesn't happen, it is really her problem. All you can do is love her where she is....Congratulations.

Hi K.!!! Congrats to your new addition!!!!
What I feel you should do is just take care of YOURSELF for now. Your boy isnt due til August which is 6 months away. So for now, just look after YOUR well being. The added stress is not good for the baby. Your boyfriends mom will eventually come around, her feelings towards you and your child are HER issues you know what im saying? Don't change yourself or compromise what you know and believe for her sake!!!
I pray all the best to come with your family and the birth of your child.
Stay strong, stay healthy and be wise!!

L. T.

I didn't read all of the responses only a few. I agree with Ann, she said that you cannot control what other people think, don't put a lot of thought into it.
I had my first right after I turned 19 and my second when I was twenty. Everyone was excited but disappointed because a lot of my family had children young and they knew how hard it would be for myself and my husband to go to college.
None the less, please remember, family member or not you will never have everyone like you. It just isn't possible. There may be a lot of people but no matter what there will be those people that you just butt heads with. I actually have that with family, which proves that it can be family, friend, or someone you have never met that won't like you.
Take things in stride. Even the people that have supported you through many things in your life may not agree with you all the time.
I have learned to accept the fact that either someone will like me, or they won't. I know this is hard especially being your bfs mother but it is what it is. Not everyone will approve of everything that you do.
It may sound selfish but live your life for you, your bf, and your baby. Do what you feel is right for your family. You can never make everyone else happy. It is true, maybe she will come around after the baby is born.(that happened with my sister and my mother.) But not in all cases does that happen. I would focus on keeping you healthy and the baby healthy. Being stressed isn't good for either one of you. Just be yourself. This is how I live my life and it is working well. Not everyone will agree with it and not everyone is able to do this, but with what I have gone through it helps to deal with situations such as your own.
Sorry to make this so long but I hope it helps.

It's kind of sad that people actually make time in their life to be this way and I could apologize for her rude behavior on behalf of mankind but I'm sure that isn't enough. I'm sure your baby will be fine and I'm sure she will fall for this baby from the moment she sees him. You'll probably have a hard time taking him back from her. And I'm sure when that old lady grows up, she'll come around to you too! Prove her wrong and enjoy the family unit you are now in. It's going to be tough and let's be honest you are in over your heads, but that's life, and if you stay positive and love one another you can conquer anything.....My Very Best to All of You and Congratulations on the soon arrival of your new little Angel!

K., are you and your boyfriend happy?????? Then that's all that should matter. I was in a similar situation when I was pregnant with my son. Both my parents-in-law didn't and still don't care for me, but I don't let it affect me one bit, and I've been married 7 years. They said the same thing, that they wouldn't be around for my son, and now, they ask for him all the time. Trust me, she'll come around. Maybe you and her won't have the best relationship, but she will love her grandson, TRUST ME!!! Good luck and congratulations!!!

A little about my situation-I'm coming from the point of view of your boyfriends Mom.When my son was 15, he got his girlfriend pregnant. At the time, I felt that this girl would be the death of me! Even before the pregnancy, there were MAJOR issues. Of course I was watching this girl treat my son terribly.I could not stand her. When we talked about their situation and what their options were, they decided they would keep the baby. I thought there is no way these 2 kids could raise a baby. Knowing that this was the direction they were going in, I gave up the fight. Mostly at the time for the well being of the baby. SInce the day my grandson was born I fell so deeply in love with him I can not put into words the feeling. Something amazing happend to these two teenagers as they entered parenthood. Although they are still young ( he's 20 now ,she's 19)they are amazing parents and always keeping my grandson's best interest at heart. I have become very close to his girlfriend and we talk almost every day.
If you told me 4 years ago that I would love this girl as much as my own child I would have told you you lost your mind!
Just hang in there, miracles do happen!
Best of luck.

It's true, grandma may eventually come around. But even if she doesnt, you have many years ahead of you before your child would ever be in a position of noticing grandma's lack of interest. Your child will notice, however, you and your boyfriends attitude toward her lack of interest, so be careful that you pay it as little attention as you can. Life goes on; if she chooses not to be a part of your child's life, she will be the loser, not your child. Enjoy your lives together and just ignore her behavior; invite her when you can to be a part of things, and if she declines, oh well. She may just be a power grabber, and by holding out her approval and participation she may feel back in control-so dont argue or accuse, just be.

I think you will make a great mom! You have concern for others, an extremely valuable outlook to possess. However, as you pointed out you are young. So why not look into taking a parenting class? Ask your local hospital information desk, your doctor or a clergy person. Your undertaking of being a mom is very time consuming, a constant demand on your time and energy, and lasts for years. You as well as the dad will need guidance to raise a health well adjusted child. Do no worry about the grandmother that wants no part of the child's life, she is only denying herself. Life is too short to worry about people why wish to throw up road blocks for no reason. She has problems and issues, let her deal with then. You have enough to deal with.
E. H

K. - Congratulations on your pregnancy. Don't focus so much time and energy on his Mom. You'll see - that once the baby is born - she will come around. Once she sees the baby, it will change everything. It's going to be her fist grandchild. So trust me - she may not be happy with you but when she sees her grandchild, her face will light up and things will change. Having a baby changes everything......as well as our ways of being. Things have a way of working themselves out.
Now that you're going to be a mom too - you'll one day understand why she's being so protective of her only child - you guys are young and will be raising a baby. She just wants what's best for her son.
Once again, once the baby is born - she'll be fine. Just be a good mommy and be good to her son. I'm sure that's all she wants. =0)
Good Luck!

Congratulations!! Don't worry about your mother in law. The baby will be totally fine. I have three kids and they never see my mom but have my in laws and my step dad was very much a part of there life until he passed away almost five years ago. (He lived with us the last 5 years of his life). We don't have any close family around but many great friends who all love my kids. My Father & step mother also are around a couple times a year and they know them as there grandparents. It is completely her loss if she doesn't come around. Try not to worry it is not good for your baby. Now that you are a mom your first concern should always be your baby & your husband(boyfriend). I hope you do decide to get married some day it is important for the baby later on to have a strong family bond. Good luck God bless

The advice you have been given is correct. Your boyfriends mom will come around once she sees and holds her grandson for the first time. And if not, it will be her loss becuase your son will have all the love he needs from both parents and the rest of the extended family. I do hope you will have plenty of help from your parents as raising a child at any age is not easy-I am 32 and have a 14 month old with one due in October. I wouldn't worry about anything right now-it's not good for you or the baby. Just be kind to your boyfriends mom and maybe even sit down with her to let her know that you love her son very much and that you really want her to be a part of her grandson's life.

Good luck with everything.

I was also 19 and unmarried when I had my first unplanned pregnancy. My parents were unhappy but then became very supportive, without them I would not have been able to become the successful person that I am today. The FOB's mother also wanted nothing to do with the baby, but she did see him once. My son is now 18 years old and he ABSOLUTELY DID NOT miss anything from her. So please don't focus on her negativity. Your child is better off not knowing someone who is not interested in him/her. Life is too short and happens fast so just enjoy your baby and all of the love he/she will have. Your child will eventually learn on his/her own what a horrible person the paternal grandmother is for not caring. Good luck to you!

K.,

The main thing here is not to worry about something that may or may not happen. It's true that once the baby comes the grandma may fall in love with him and you'll have no more issues. On the other hand, if that doesn't happen, don't spoil your own enjoyment of your new baby by worrying about it. You need to focus on the moment and making a loving home for your new son. It's amazing how kids will do fine, even if one family member is cool to them. He won't feel unloved unless his parents are unloving toward him.

V.

You know what, it's her loss. I mean, what I wouldn't give for my Mother In Law to stay out of my life! Just act like she never existed, and listen to the other people who do love your baby. And good luck- it's not an easy thing to undertake at any age.

She sounds like someone who has a very difficult time with change. Some people just really get stresed with change and can be very hurtful in the way they express this to others. Keep in mind, on top of this her reactions may be even more pronounced due to it being a surprise, you guys are young, etc. My mother-in-law is very similar. Things were very rocky with her when we got married, had kids, any big life events. Even when my sister-in-law who can 'do no wrong' went through marriage, kids, etc., my mother-in-law sort of flipped out on her too and went of on these tirades but would ultimately calm down every time. It is unfortunate that they can't be a little more mature in how they handle these things, but we can't change them. Just focus on your new little family because becoming a parent, spouse, daughter-in-law all in such a short time will be a huge adjustment in itself. She will most likely come around, and when she does just try to continue to set the good example to your child of forgiveness and acceptance. If she does not come around, it is her loss as it sounds like your child with already be surrounded with love and support with or without her in the picture!

Aloha

You only can control how you act.

Not everyone will like you.

This being said your boyfriends mom may come around. He is her only son so she may feel that you are not good enough for her son, but don't take this personally because she may feel that way towards any female who enters her sons life.

She also may be feeling upset because you are both young but it is what it is. You are pregnant. Your boyfriend is standing by you and your family and his dad is there for support.

His mom may come around or may not--but don't put alot of thought into this, its not good for you or baby. Think of other things that you can take care of. Also don't put pressure on your boyfriend because he cannot control what his mom does or does not do or think.

It's amazing what a baby can do to people, especially grandparents! I remember reading an article in Parents mag (i think) about this very issue. Your son just might bring your MIL and you closer. The most you can do is talk to her calmly. Let her know you want her grandchild to know her and have a close relationship with her and you worry that because of her feelings for you or your rocky relationship that wont happen. Be the bigger person and confront the issue face to face with her, she just may find a new respect for you and begin coming to terms with becoming a grandmother. Good luck with this one!

I understand your concern for wanting all of your little boys family to love and adore him. But the family that is happy and excited to be involved in his life will more than make up for the stubborn grandma. My daughter does not know my father or my husbands father, at all(we don't either). But her 2 grandmas, 3 great-grandmas, and my grandfather, more than make up for that. Plus, you need to think about how she would treat your son if she were forced to be involved. Would she be disrespectful to you and her sons wishes or just be cruel. It is very possible that she will come around after her grandson is born. But you also need to make sure that you be the bigger person and welcome her into your sons life , but be cautious and make sure you get respect too.

Hope my insight helps.

How exciting for you and your boyfriend. I had a problem with a boyfriend's mother some time ago. She didn't like me, because I was a very quiet person (and still am) where she liked to talk (a lot)...she thought he would grow so bored in a quiet house if we were to get married. I think she was worried that I was going to take him away from her. He, like your boyfriend, wasn't that close with his mom either.

Anyway, as you have been told by others, your baby will be very much loved by those in your life. You could also try to include her (Grandma) in things with the baby before, and after, the baby is born. Please don't let one person's feelings interfere with your excitement. You will have enough of a change once that baby is born. Hopefully she will come around.

Hi K.,
I too, got pregnant at a young age. I got pregnant when i was 19, then i had a miscarriage on Christmas morning. Then i got pregnant again 3 months later. i turned 20 by then and my grandmother wasn't very supportive. I don't know why, but when i was pregnant the first time, she was real happy. 3 months later, she's upset and i couldn't understand that. i didn't speak to her or see her until Mother's day, when i was almost 3 months. i understand how you're feeling. but take my word for it, a baby will change everything. especially that your baby will be her first grandchild. she will be delighted...

If you try to push a relationship it's only going to cause more tension. She may or may not come around, but your focus has to be on letting your baby feel and see all the love that they do have. Eventually the child will ask about grandma, and I'll be honest, it's heart breaking and you will have no answer. Do your best to not think about it and enjoy your baby. Good luck!

You sound more mature than most and I applaud you for that. My husband and I have had to deal with this type of situation. Bottom line is this, you love and take care of your child in the best possible ways. The people in your life will also do that (extended family and close friends). Your child's most important figureheads are you and his dad. Everyone else is just bonus. You cannot change anyone else's mind or opinion in this life, only yours. Make your opinion be that if she doesn't want to come around, it is her loss. Not your son's, not yours, not your boyfriends. I know it sounds harsh, but it is the honest truth that my family lives through as well. And it is my husband's mom who has the loss, I have a beautiful family that she doesn't even know. You can pray that she softens her heart, and prayer is powerful. You just cannot make her heart feel differently. She must do that on her own. You will do fine. Love that beautiful baby boy!!! Congratulations and Good Luck! God Bless You three!

Hi K.,Your story sounds alot like mine. I was 18 when I found out that I was pregnant w/ our 1st. The whole family was upset on both sides. And now being a parent I totally understand why. Our lives were so much more complicated than we both realized. My family stoped talking to my then boyfriend(now husband) but when they saw how he was there for me and the baby,they did come around. It's amazing how a beautiful baby can change a person's heart. My advice to you is to speak with his mom as an adult and a soon to be parent and try to understand why and how this affects her. Not everyone is going to be happy for you. And, that's ok. As long as your both in it together that's all that matters. My family did come around.My husband and I got married soon after we found out that I was pregnant. I wouldn't chnage anything but it's been a long hard journey to get where we are now. we had to grow up not only as individuals but as parents and husband and wife.we've been married 10 yrs and are now expecting our 3rd and last child. Give his mom some time. I'm sure she'll come around. Most people do. I would try to include her in the pregnancy(ie, ultrasounds,baby showers) but again don't force this on her. Be understanding. This is probably not what our parents wanted for us.I know that it would be hard for me if MY situation happend to one of my children. Good Luck on everything and I hope this advice helped.

We are all individuals. We all make our own decisions. You cannot change your boyfriend's mom any more than she can change you. She is a mom! She is worried about her son, just as you are worried about yours. She is obviously extremely concerned. Fact. Nineteen is very young to become a parent. Fact. Parenthood changes the entire course of our life. Her son's life is no longer what she wanted for him. That is the hardest part of motherhood, and a lesson you will need to learn. We cannot create the perfect life for our children. It is impossible. If grandma doesn't want to be involved, accept it like the mature adult you now have to be. She may change her mind down he road. Minimize the issue and it will have little impact on your son. Make a big deal of it, and your son will, too. A child's parents create security and cause a child to feel loved and wanted, not the grandparents. Worrying about something you can not change is wasted energy. Focus your energy on positives, not negatives, and good luck as you embark upon the most important thing you will ever do!

You have a long and wonderful road ahead, with much stress, but the little moments will make up for all of it! Any way I am a mother of three, and my ex in laws never see the kids even when they live in the same town and are only three blocks from where the kids live with me. This lack of visitation has nothing to do with the divorce, they have always been this way. This side of my kids family sees them on holidays and maybe an afternoon every three months. I just want to let you know that it does not seem to bother the kids at all! They are 8,3.5, and 2.5 and they get so much lova and attention from me, thier daddy, my family and other members of our extended family that this lack of attention from that side does not bother them at all. As you little bundle of boy grows make a point not to bring attention to the situation and never make a big deal about the lack of this paticular grandparent and you baby will not make a deal about it either. May you enjoy every moment as parents and may all the miracles that you are about to be a part of bring you great joy and remember that he will only be little for a short time so do not wish it away!

I think your child will probably feel or not feel this slight depending on how you convey it to him. You are going to be the most important person in his life and what you think about it will be the key to how he feels. It is likely that grandma will get a grip when the baby comes and not want to be left out of her grandchilds life. If she continues this vendeta forever then it will be up to you. If you can let go of the pain of her rejection of you then the child probably won't notice grandma's problem untill he is old enough to handle it. He will very much notice his parents tension and sadness about anything. In everything your love will be the key.

K.,

Congratulations and good luck to all 3 of you! With regards to "Grandma's" attitude - give her time. She may or may not come around.

If she does, great! If she doesn't, then that really is her loss. The person who will suffer the most by her actions will actually be her.

If you don't make an issue out of it, it won't be a big deal for your child. My father knows about his 8 year old grandson, but has rarely seen him - only at limited family events. I truly believe that this is his loss and not my son's. My father misses out on all the wonderful things that take place in my son's life.

Thankfully my son has one set of loving and caring grandparents [my mother passed away when I was 15 1/2]. He loves spending time with his Nana and Grandpa.

Emphasize the love and care from those who are a part of your child's life and let "grandma" know that she is always welcome. The door is open for her, she only has to come in!

You'll have enough real things to worry about and deal with; let her make up her mind as time goes on.

D. D

K.,

First off congratulations and my hat goes off to you for keeping your baby. Your boyfriend's mom will definitely come around and fall in love with your baby but don't expect her to change her attitude towards you over night. If she continues her view of you don't sweat it unless you have to deal with her on a continual basis. Look at the love she gives your child and be grateful that your baby has so many to love him/her.

Show her how great a person and mother you are by your actions as her grandchild grows. If she still is closed minded about you so be it. Do not become like her and try to push her out of your lives. Hopefully she will see that her son grew up and became a man with the help of this situation. Don't let yourself get drawn into any drama in this area. Just enjoy your pregnancy (if you are dealing the morning sickness, it will get better). Don't worry about tomorrow, you have enough to deal with today.

Love changes everything,

Evelyn

K., you are young, but age does not dictate what type parents you will be. People will just want to be mad at what they want to be mad at and if there is someone there to blame, all the better for them. If she wants to be upset, there is nothing you can do. Your time and energy needs to be aimed at that baby. Do your best to bite your tongue when around her and if she continues to dislike you, just keep your distance. It is no surprise that inlaws don't get along, although it is not always that way. Things may work out once the baby is here, but just remember to alays make that baby come first.

Best of luck to you and congratulations!
C.

P.S. I had my baby at 15 years old. So is 19 young...yes, but nothing that can't be done.

K.,

Let me start by saying congrats on the baby. Enjoy the time you have being pregnant. I too was pregnant at your age and I wish I had enjoyed it a little more. Being a young parent has a lot of challenges, but you are already showing the maturity it takes to make a tough decision.

Now for the grandma situation. First I will say that she will come around. I don't know her, but I know from experience that children can soften the hardest hearts. I also know you can't make her love you or the baby, that has to come from her. However, I married a man who was a totally momma's boy. I really was scared because when we dated I felt like his mother hated me for the same reasons. They talked all the time and now that he had me to email and call, he called her a lot less. Might I suggest getting to know her. Do things with her without your boyfriend. Invite her to lunch. Maybe even ask her to help you pick out some stuff for your son. Talk to her, but don't tell her you know what she said. Just let her see you as more than just the girl that took her baby away. Let her see you as a loving mother. Even pregnant, it will show through.

And lastly, don't make your boyfriend choose. It will create a lifetime of issues that you don't want to bring onto yourself. Be a good mother and a good person and life will have a way of working the rest out. Trust your instincts. Be patient with people. Love your family and enjoy the support.

Most of all...be good to yourself. Learn what you can. Read "What to expect when you are expecting". Meet other mom's so you have people around you that are in your shoes. I only had friends with no kids, so I didn't have people who understood my journey.

Good Luck and be strong

K.,

My Aunt did the same thing to my cousin. She was completley against my cousin having her baby and refused to having anything to do with her (while she was pregnant) but as soon as the baby was born that little girl became the light of my Aunt's life. Once the baby is born chances are things will turn around. Dont worry though about what you cant change. You cant control her or her feelings so dont put more added stress on yourself that isnt necessary. This one is on her...she will have to get over it.

First, Congratulations on the baby. The love you will feel when you see the baby is so deep it's indescribable.
Second, make sure that you stay out of any fights with your mother in law. It needs to remain between your boyfriend and his mother. He is the only one who can effectively deal with her. Hopefully she will come around when the baby is born and she is holding him in her arms. It's hard to resist that love for a grandchild. However, if she doesn't, just keep visiting so the grandfather can see him and continue to encourage a relationship. BUT, if she says things, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way," and let your boyfriend handle it. He needs to be the one to set the boundaries and put his foot down about her behavior. If you fight with her, it will only make her worse. Make sure you are the bigger person in all situations. Besides, once your little boy comes, the only thing you need to focus on is him and his wellbeing. But don't forget to take care of yourself. All mom's need some time to re-energize. I find letting dad have the baby and taking a loooooong hot shower will do the trick. Good luck to you. Take care.

K.,

You can't change anyone's behavior but you own and some people are just assholes. Either grandma will come around or she won't but you can't plan your life around that. It is one of those little things you learn as an adult - not everyone is going to like you and if they don't, that isn't necessarily something you can fix and sometimes trying to fix it makes it worse. Going around trying to seek everyone's approval will drive you nuts in a hurry. Enjoy your baby, your boyfriend and the family that wants to be involved.

I'm 36 (not exactly a youngster like you! LOL), I have a 4.5 year old and a 1.5 year old and am married. My mom doesn't want much to do with my kids and she doesn't like my husband (who has been nothing but nice to her and is a really good guy). I figure it is her loss. My kids are loved plenty and they just seem to realize that grandma is what she is. It still makes me sad but what do you do? I am really careful to not badmouth my mom in front of my kids. Whatever relationship they manage to have with her, I'm not going to ruin it by complaining about all the things she's not. In some weird way I guess she's probably doing the best she can. But I have no idea why she is the way she is. I guess maybe every family has one person who's just determined to not be happy. Just make sure it isn't you!

Congratulations on your baby!

T.

I'm 24 and have a 4 year old nephew that I helped raise. My mom hates my nephews mom, and i was really afraid that she wouldn't have anything to do with him. When my mom found out about becoming a grandma she was very upset, and had alot of resentment. But when the baby finally came, it was like someone flipped a switch. My mom was a typical first-time grandparent all happy and full of joy. hopefully the same thing happens for you. Like everyone kept telling me..."you'd be suprized what a baby can do"

oh sweetie your baby will bejust fine ,screw her its definitely her loss. i had my daughter when i was 19 and my boyfriends dad hated me too and wanted nothing to do with me. his son left me 6 mos pregnant we had dated since we were 12. my daughter is now turning 17 tomorrow april 3rd and she is the most well adjusted , confident , spoiled (the good kind )
happy , loving all around great person. yours will be too because you will love him and everyone else who choses to be in his life will make sure of it. i never brought her grandfather into the picture or talked about him since it was his choice to not be there.if shechanges her mind later than you can make the decision whethershe should be allowedinto your childs life. since she so carelessly threw that relationship to the side with her own grandchild away .
good luck you will be fine just always love and be there for your child thats all it really takes.
R. z
i should probably tell you she does know about him and his choice when she was old enough to understand and its her hoice now whether she gets to know him and she chooses not to.

I can really relate to you in a way. My situation is different, but similar. My husband and I were not married when we found out that we were pregnant. His parents didn't even know that we had a relationship. He was (and still is) in the Marine Corps and he just didn't have that close nit relationship with them. He was adopted and they had a biological daughter. He was always treated differently in many ways. He never has. So, when he called to tell them that we were getting married and having a baby it didn't go over well at all. She actually asked him if he knew if the baby was his. Now, understand that she had never met me and knew nothing about me to make that kind of judgement. Anyway, they basically had judgements about me from the start and we still don't have a very good reltaionship with them. When my daughter was first born, they were okay. They came to see her and did grandparent things and all. Then, my hubby's sister got pregnant and I knew everything would change. We now have two little girls and my SIL still has the one. You can definately tell the difference in the way they are treated. It is very unfair and I am scared that they will one day pick up on it and wonder why their grandparents love their cousin more than them. So, I don't agree that she will change the minute the baby comes out or anything. You just need to do what I do. Decide that it doesn't matter what she thinks, feels or does. There really are plently of people to make your son feel loved. If she doesn't change, when he gets to the age that he asks questions just tell him that he has so many people who love him and the way he acts has absolutely nothing to do with him. Well, that's my take. Sorry it's so long. Good luck and congrats.

u just have to look at it like it's her loss.. trying to change the way she feels wont work... maybe she will get over her problems one day but you cant do it for her so dont stress yourself out...

Hello K.,
Well, I have much experience with a mother in law that wouldn't accept me. I finally took the initiative and told her that she could dislike me all she chooses, but I was going to love her anyway. Once the kids started coming and she realized her son was not going to leave me she slowly softened. Today, 27 years later, me & my mother in law are best friends. This did not happen over night. Patience and a good attitude is what got me where I am today. My mother in law is a wonderful person, but taking her baby away was something that was more than difficult for her. With understanding and accepting that it will make life easier for you. Now, if she is not a person of good character she may never come around. With that, there's nothing you can do about it. Sad, but true. You can only control your own actions. 19 is so very young to be starting a family. What's done is done and YOU need to make the best of it. Your baby is a blessing and if your mother in law chooses to not see it that way, then you must pity her rather than be angry. She will make her own choices one way or the other. You just need to accept them whatever they are.

K.,

I'm so happy for you, Congrats.

As for the mom-in-law. Don't let it bother you. I know that is easier said then done, because I was in a similar situation. Bottom line she hated me told all the rest of the family I was evil and made up things about me. I wasn't allowed at her house for family parties. She didn't show up to our wedding. It took my husband a year before he finally told her that if he couldn't bring his family with him then he wouldn't be their at all. This was fine with her for awhile. Then as she got older realized that instead of taking him away from me, she had lost him. (This happens to us all in diffrent stages in our lives, our eyes get opened at some point, we then chose to fix it or not). As for her she finally decided to invited us to a Thanksgiving Dinner. Guess what: We had already made all of our family traditions with my family and our kids couldn't wait to do it the next year. So we didn't go. She tried it at Christmas too, but we already had plans. We stopped by to visit though. She tried this for the next few years she always told us dinner at 12:00 so we showed up at 11:00 to help with dinner the rest of the kids showed up at 1:30. Because she had told them 1:00 to make us stay longer but we left at 1:30 to go to my mothers for dinner at 2:00. The first year we grabbed a peace of turkey as we walked out the door. Second year she did the same, she had dinner on the table at 1:20 we told her we couldn't eat that my mother was expecting us at 2:00 to eat and we were suppot to eat here at 12:00. I even told her to do dinner at 6:00 so that we could be hungery again and stay longer. But she always chose to be difficult. One year she called my husband and asked him to have him and one daughter (the one that looks like him) to come to her house and me and the other daughter go to my mothers. I was very proud of the choice he made and what he told his mother. He said, I am Thankful for my family and there is no way I would be without any of them on a major holiday. I guess you really screwed yourself when you chose to be hateful towards her in the begining. We have never been asked to come to dinner again. We visit, but thats fine with us.

Someday when it's probably to late your mother-in-law will want you all back because she has no-one to spend the holiday's with her, Or that her eyes have been opened and family is now important to her. And if he is the only child most likly when she is old you'll be the main care giver. Funny how things fall in place huh. Then she will either love you and hate that she was ever mean to you or really hate you because your giving her a slice of her own cake.
Remember this: you and your sweety need to be together on decisions made about her (mom-in-law), it's all of you or nothing. You can't make her change or make her diffrent, you can only change you. She isn't hurting you, she is just missing out on a great thing. That's her problem not yours, you can chose to be like her or learn from her.

Best of luck to you and your new little family.

J. / mother of 3 and happily married.

When my daughter was born, not only was my husband's mom not interested in being part of her life, my husband also was not interested in being part of her life. However, I was determined not to let my daughter feel unloved or left out. I have extended family in the area and my daughter has established a large social network herself. Now, 12 years later, I GUARANTEE my daughter has never felt unloved for a second! She has my mother, my father, my brothers and their families, my close friends, and me to show her that she is wanted by lots of people even though she's had no contact with her father or his relatives. In fact, she's the most self-confident, self-assured person I know. So regardless of whether his grandma "comes around" or not, YOU can create a loving environment for your son with the people who truly want to be part of his life.

First don't let this get you down. People go through all kinds of emotions when a new baby is being added to the family. Did you ever think that Grandma is really ready to be a Grandma? She must be young if she is still working and probably thinks of her son as her baby. Just relax and be yourself. Be respectful and polite and don't demand too much from her. When the baby is born her attitude may warm up. Just let her know if she wants to see your newborn that you will be available to take the baby over for her to see. I know you have made a hard decision to keep the baby. God Bless You for choosing Life.

Congratulations!!! My mother-in-law wasn't exactly fond of me either. She didn't attend our wedding and we didn't speak to her for several years. Everything changed when I gave birth to her grandson (and I was 37!!!). She worked really hard to be a positive part of our family & now we get along very well. This is not always the case, though. You, your boyfriend and your new baby are who you need to focus on right now. If she comes around...great-if not...her loss! Many kids have no grandparents due to death or distance and they grow up just fine. Take care of yourself & the baby and everything else will sort itself out. Good luck & God bless.

By the way***DIANA K*** I suppose that you are entitled to your opinion, but I don't think that K. gave you enough information to determine that this is a "sad" situation or that she and dad aren't ready for this. We all know that a baby at ANY age is a challenge-let's be supportive and not pass judgment on each other. Age does not make you a better mom-nor does marriage!

Trust me, she will come around once she sees that beautiful precious baby for herself. So innocent, they don't ask to be brought into this world, and she will melt when she sees him, especially if your boyfriend is her only child as well. How selfish and childish to make a comment or portray that she wants nothing to do with her grandchild. If she sticks to her crappy attitude, the child is better off without such a negative and hateful person in his life. You're right, your baby will have more than enough love and tenderness in his life without her. Nobody should ever have to beg someone to love them...it's her loss. God bless you always!

I have very distant relationships with my father and his side of the family and for good reason but I do have the option of having full relationships which I don't want with them. So it is true that your child will have enough love between you both, your family and his paternal grandfather. I would never tell the child that grandma doesn't want to see him unless he is old enough to ask and at that point I would just explain the circumstances in a way that doesn't blame anyone (just in case she comes to her senses because that could make you look bad). Just let it go and see how it transpires over time. My son is 4 and never asks me about my dad and his family because the family he has loves him to no end. I recall as a preteen asking about my father and my mom just told me who he was and that he was busy...I accepted that and throughout the years learned more about him from stories (not exactly a nice man). At the age that your child will ask they will already be equipped to understand that it has nothing to do with them and over time he/she will learn that it was your mother in laws choice to be a part of her/his life and it won't even matter. I hold to the family that held me close to them and look at the family who could have and don't care because I have a family that I love and that I know loves me. I have cut ties with the other family and my son still hasn't asked me about them. When he does I will tell him in a careful way and leave it up to him to make his own choice. Lots of luck to you.

I know how u feel. My mother in law didn't like me either. Of course after my son was born, she changed. Not completely though, she still didn't like me but once your boyfriends mom sees that baby she won't be able to help herself. She will fall in love with that baby. I would have to agree that she will come around. Be hopeful if it is important for u for her to be a part. Plus how would her own son feel if she doesn't want anything to do with the baby?

Hi K.!

When I was born I had two grandmas and a grandpa still living and I never thought about anything except that I liked having grandparents. What I found out as a grew older on my own, was that NONE of my grandparents were "normal" or even really likable but as a kid I loved them all and assumed they loved me, too. Because of that, I was able to still love and accept them as I began to see they weren't what I had thought they were when I was a young child. One was an alcoholic, one was so fearful and anxious she could hardly function, and one just didn't like us. But I didn't know that for a long time. It's not because my parents lied to us, they just didn't make it an issue. Kids see life differently than adults do. As a kid I never noticed how hot or cold it was, I just played and accepted the heat or cold. I think relationships are often similar - kids just don't always notice things or don't think they're unusual.

My parents did a great job of just treating me like they always did, even in their times of stress with how their parents treated us, and never hinting to us that they hadn't had ideal childhoods or nice parents, or that even as grownups going to visit was hard and not fun for them. I so appreciate that they protected us from things we didn't need to know about and let us discover personality traits and choices of our grandparents on our own. And later, that made my grandparents' lives their responsibility in my eyes, not something I was responsible for. I never felt I had to make them love me since I was so secure with my parents and they were so stable.

You and your boyfriend can really help your child by just acting pleasant and yourselves around his mom. And by treating your child the same when you're with her as you would at home. He may assume nothing's unusual for a long time and in the meantime she may change. If not, you'll both be there to love him and to answer his questions as he has them in ways he can grasp at the time.

Now with my own kids, I see how hard this was. My kids have a very different relationship with my parents than my husband's parents, because his parents have a hard time with really young kids. Now that they're not as little we both see big improvement in how much his parents will interact with the boys. We worried and had a hard time letting the kids and grandparents establish their own relationship (or lack thereof) without us trying to intervene. We haven't done a bad job, but my parents were much better at this than we had been in the beginning.

By the way, my kids both love all four grandparents and are matter of fact and accepting that each grandparent treats them differently and they are each different from each other.

I hope for your family's sake and her sake that his mom doesn't do what it looks like she might do. If nothing else, maybe she'll accept your baby at least, and if she doesn't accept you, you're an adult, you can be the calm, wise one even if she decides not to do the same.

I wish you wisdom and fun and joy with your family!

Your boyfriends mom may be saying that she dosen't want to have anything to do with the baby now, but that will change when the baby is here. Sounds like she is afraid of losing her only son and accepting the fact that he is grown and will soon be a father. A baby's arrival changes everything. Say all you want now but when you have that miracle in your arms, nothing else matters. Even if she never comes around, that's her loss cause she will miss out on her own grandchild. Your baby will get more than enough love from your parents. Don't waste any energy on worrying about her, concentrate on your
pregnancy and getting ready for your big day. For whatever reasons she has for not caring for you, that is her problem, but she does needs to come to terms that you are sharing a child with her son and will have a connection to you forever and ever cause you are having her grandchild. Remember to always be the better person and walk from all disagreements with her. Top priority is keep and having a healthy baby in a healthy and loving environment.
Good Luck!

Raise the child with love and the knowledge of GOD and u will b just fine. I went through the samething however it was my family that wanted me 2 abort my children. I ended up having 2 girls and they both have love for all family members but they perfer not 2 speak or visit with them. They will tell them "u wanted mom 2 abort us, so y should we have contact with u?" "We love u still bcuz ur blood and we was taught 2 love every1 even those that do wrong."
Raise ur boy with lots of love and GOD. U will do just fine.

Hi K.
I am here to tell you don’t worry. As a young mother myself I know what it feels like to worry what other people will say, do and act toward your baby. I was pregnant at 16 and had my first baby at 17 (not planned with my then boyfriend, now husband) When I told my sister she said that she wanted nothing to do with my baby, I know a sister isn’t a grandparent, but it still hurt. I cried. As I got farther into my pregnancy, and my tummy grew, so did my sisters interest in my baby. It wasn’t even until she was born did my sister even really care, now when ever my sister is around my daughter they are inseparable. And when I got pregnant again with my second baby (this time planned) my sister did the same thing but didn’t worm up to me or my belly until she came to the hospital, and she had to hold my baby because I was in the bathroom and the Nurse was talking with my husband. What I am trying to say is that everyone takes things in there own way. I never pushed my pregnancies on my sister. And now she couldn’t be happier about being an aunt. Try not to worry if your boyfriends mom really doesn’t want to have anything to do with your baby, then just let it be, she will soon see how stupid she is acting and worm up and love that baby unconditionally. I wish you the best of luck with your situation, your pregnancy and your new baby. If you have any questions at all feel free to e-mail me at ____@____.com like I am saying I know what it is like to be a young mom. I am 20 years old and have two kids... Cadence is 3 years and Mikayla is 8 months

S. B
P.S.
Don't rush things, let her worm up to you first, and if your parents or his want you to get married for the sake of the baby don’t!!!!!!!!! Only get married if you truly love him, and if you are IN love with him. Being married is a big thing, but if you love him and he loves you than go for it if you want, but please don't let anyone pressure you into it. I got married out of love despite what people thought, my husband and I where talking about it long before I was pregnant, and I am happy we waited, well kind of, 3 moths after my first was born. We have been married for 3 years next month.

Aloha K.,

It's perfectly normal to worry. After all, you are a mother and you want everything to be the best for your child. It's probably a "waste" of time and energy to try to change her mind at this point.....but wait until the baby is born. Sometimes, the arrival of a new bundle of joy is hard to ignore. So for now, love that growing belly of yours and when the baby is born just love that baby and share that love with Grandma......Love is contagious and it just might give her a move loving spirit.

Blessings,

Marie-anne
Children's Health & Wellness Advocate
http://www.healthyohana.net

Don't worry too much! You can't control how other people behave or feel. Your child may not notice or care that one grandma is more distant than the other grandparents. If the subject comes up, say very truthfully, "That has nothing to do with you. It's because of how she feels about me. We just don't get along."

My husband and I married young, and immediately had a baby, and most of our relatives (and friends) were horrified. 22 years later, opinions have changed! My mother in law finally decided that she liked me when our oldest kids were about 5 and 6, because she decided that I was doing a good job raising her grandkids.

Some people, too, cannot get excited about a pregnancy, but once the baby's here, they fall in love with the child.

Just be the best parents you can be, and everything else will be much less important.

One final note: because our families still don't really like each other, we set a very firm ground rule before any of our kids were born: Nobody speaks badly about any other relative to, or in front of, the kids. There have been times when that's REALLY hard to do, but we're so glad we did. That way, they never had to contend with the issues the adults had with each other. All their feelings about their grandparents, aunts, cousins, etc. were based on interactions between them, not us.

Well, i was that gma for 9 months. My daughter got preg. And her dad and step mom whom she lived with didnt know how to handle it. They were good peeps and went to church and i think were stuned by this as my daughter just graduated from high school. So i as the ever so on the spot mom moved my daughter out by me forbid her to talk to the father of the baby and had here get 2 part time jobs and had her live with a good friend of mine who had a 5 year old daughter and the mother had a very good job and had done all of this alone with support. So i thougt thats how to handle it. I was extatic she was having the baby and wanted her to take full responsibility................well i couldnt have been more wrong and during the 4-5 months my daughter jumped through my hoops(by the way i was the only one at the time willing to take on the "issue" so for some reason no one really wanted her to be around this boy not just me), well, they worked out all the details and she moved back, they went through councling and they got an apt. And had the baby a beautiful boy and he was out first the eintire familey was there on both sides including gr grma uncles aunts etc. And the minute the baby was born and jason came out with him i saw the love in his eyes for the baby and my baby dauther and immediatly changed my mind and became their biggest fan............so have patience pray and after the baby comes the miracle will happen and dont focus on it just respect the family and know as i had wanted my daughter to be a lawyer, she and jason have 2 beautiful sons 11 and 7 and are still marriedl.......
Hope this helps

Hi K.. I know its hard to not worry about how your boyfriend's mother feels about you and the baby, but please try not to stress about it. Things have a way of working themselves out. I was 19 when I got pregnant and married my 18 year old boyfriend. Next week we are celebrating our 15 year wedding anniversary! Everyone thought we were making a big mistake getting married and having a baby so young. At the time I thought everyone was just being closed minded and mean, but now that I have lived and learned, I know that most were just worried about me making such a big decision so young.
I would stay out of the situation with your boyfriend and his mother. The more you do and say about it, the worse it will be for all of you. Support your boyfriend when he wants it, tell him you know it must be h*** o* him to have his mother acting this way, and let him know how much you appreciate him being there for you and the baby.
Eventually, when grandma sees how much love you have for eachother and the baby, she'll come around.
good luck!

oh my gosh i know how you feel. only my issue got bad with his mom after the baby came. anyways give it time she may see that baby and try to work things out with you. try to include her in things you do(like if you get the 3d ultrasounds). if she still stays set in the unchanging mood towards you then as your son grows let him know that that is his grandma and leave it at that. but please dont let his mom get in the way of letting your son bond with his dad. just try to stay the bigger person in the matter. i honestly think you should give his mom the chance to turn around and if she does oh well dont push it or it could make the issue worse. so dont stress yourself its not good for you or the baby! i hope everything works out for the best!

I'm sorry, but I think she has every right to be upset. This is a sad situation.
It just doesn't sound like you and your boyfriend are in any position to raise a family.
That said, I hope she changes her mind and doesn't lose the chance to bond with her 1st grandson.

Hi K...
I was in a similar position almost one year ago. I got pregnant when I was 19 also, and my boyfriend was 23. His side of the family was completely estatic to learn of our new arrival, while on the other hand my father didnt take it so well. My mom was shocked to say the least, but in a few hours really warmed up to the idea =) She was very supportive, while on the other hand my father wanted nothing to do with anything. He wouldnt even look at the ultrasound pictures!
This hurt me and created some animosity towards eachother only because in a few months, that will be his granddaughter whether he liked it or not.
Luckily, he came around. Slowly but surely he did. It took him the whole pregnancy to get used to the idea and I would say around my 8th month, he bought some things for her. He even came to see us in the hospital!
My daughter will be turning 5 months in a few days and not one day has passed by where he doesnt come and check on her, see how shes doing. He still wont carry her, but he comes and plays with her, talks to her, ANYWAYS hopefully she will warm up to the idea of you two having a baby. At the time it deeply saddened me, but turned out better than i could ever imagine.
Hope this encourages you a lil bit =) Also, Im sure you have already but try talking to your boyfriend. Maybe he can talk to his dad since they have a better relationship and he can maybe talk some sense into his wife about being a good grandma to this new joy in the family. Good luck!

Congratulations on your baby. I think you are putting your energy in the wrong place. Instead of worrying about Grandma giving enough to Baby, you (and your parents!) should be thinking about your wedding. If you don't marry this man soon, my prediciton is that not only you won't have one of the Grandmas around, you won't have the father of the baby for long either. And children DO feel unwanted and unloved when their fathers/mothers are absent from their lives; as is the case of your boyfriend and his mother. Marriage bonds people together in ways "living together" does not. Marry today, have the reception whenever!