Give Back FaceTime?

I would say no to Facetime. You and dad have talked and decided that you don't think she needs to use it.

Good for you for instilling limits and consequences.

My boys only get their iPods on the weekends, after chores are complete and they are shut down at 10pm. They can still lose them for attitude, etc.

If it were me, she would not have unrestricted access to any electronic gadget at age 12, whether or not it's summer vacation. I'd encourage her to contact her friends and make plans to do things together and would look for other summer fun classes or camps to occupy some of this extra free time.

As far as FaceTime is concerned, if she hasn't asked, don't offer.

When she does ask, tell her that you're thinking about when the right time/age might be for FaceTime. Alert her that when FT does return, it will be with certain limitations that you and her father will decide.

That will give you and your husband some time to think about when you want to allow FT and to discuss and decide on appropriate restrictions (when, where, how much, etc.).

My recommendation, especially for tweens and young teens--- is that phones and ipods get turned over to mom and dad at the end of the day. Most of the trouble kids get into with their gadgets happen when kids should be sleeping, and when there is no parental supervision.

In the meantime, I'd be having some discussions with her about responsibility in this digital age---how things out in cyberspace never really go away, how to avoid cyber peer pressure, and about responsibility in general as she grows.
I'd talk about trust and how important that is and how as she shows more responsibility and more mature attitude and behaviors, she earns more trust.

Good for you for handling this early and establishing your expectations with respect to electronic devices.

I guess, yet again, I am an 'old fart parent'.

My youngest kiddos are 16...and 18.

I never worried too much about what 'other' family's did or did not do.

I was the parent, and did what worked for mine.

I would suggest that maybe the 'friend' and lack of limitations is/was more of an issue than the technology though...

Just a thought.

I would talk with her about the Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde thing that's been happening. Make it a very open discussion with NO blame. Ask about how she felt during the Mr Hyde times and if that's the person she wants to be.

Also inform her that the attitude is not going to be accepted at home. Then play it by ear and see what happens. Some of the attitude is going to show up and disappear again just because she is getting to the age where she is trying to figure out who she is, but that is very normal.

Use it as an opportunity to regain trust. We restricted my SS to 3 Facetimes/day when he was at our house. If he broke the rule, he lost the iPod. And after the novelty wore off, he didn't care about the restriction. Life is about moderation and she needs to learn how to moderate this and control her attitude. It can be a reward for good behavior within boundaries.

Also, look to see if she uses Snapchat or Vine

The fact she instantly got "addicted," spent so much time on FaceTime and developed such a huge and swift attitude problem shows that she is not ready for it. It's not a function of her gaining back your trust (at least, I think so) but of her age and ability at her age to control herself. Do you truly think she'll be readier for it if she gets it back with restrictions? She's going to be in touch with the same kid who has her own attitude/boys/swearing issues. Even limited contact with that kid sounds like too much, to me. I would not offer to restore it.

I am no fan of most social media and gadgets for this very reason. She may be earning back your trust, as others put it, and she may be going back to her old self that you know is really there, but I think the draw of the gadget- and the friend who seems to influence her so much even though it's on FaceTime and not in person -- is something she may not be ready for, even if she agrees to restrictions.

I have to honestly admit that I come to this biased against everything like FaceTime, Instagram (good for you for banning it), and yes, Facebook too. Nothing but drama all the time, especially for kids. If she asks for FaceTime back, I'd be sure she understood, calmly, the fact that her personality changed while using it, and I'd find something else to offer her instead like, oh, more game time at weekends, but not FaceTime back.

With my kids, in addition to whatever "punishment" they may have, i ALSO tell them why. ie: "When you play this game you get sassy. YOU know that, too. So, you cannot play it, until I observe that you are aware of yourself."
So then, when my son or daughter does get the privilege returned, THEY know... that they MUST be, more cognizant of their attitude.
I TELL my kids, it is their attitude. NOT the gadget's, fault.

Also, you don't even have to let your daughter do or have Face Time.
From the beginning, you should have had rules, about her iPod.
AND you need parental controls on it/passwords that she cannot have. And only YOU should be able to buy or download things to it.
AND you should be the one, that "approves" whatever app or game she wants to download. On her iPod.
So what if she bought it herself.
She is still a child, and you are the parent, and YOU make the rules, for it.
WITH her gadget, comes responsibility and PROVING that, to her parents. Or, you can take it away, completely.

The thing is, kids nowadays, have play-date/socials, online or via things like Face Time or instant messaging... from their devices. AND yes, it can affect their attitudes. AND the level of their appropriateness or inappropriateness, too. BUT, the parents... HAVE TO, know, what their kid is doing on it.
My daughter is 10. LOTS of her classmates do things like that, Face Time, Instagram, social networks. AND the parents, do not know. The kids just sign up for their own accounts, making up false ages and whatnot. To sign up.

And what is wrong, with just telling your daughter NO. NO more Face Time. AND the kids you are interacting with, are inappropriate.
Though my daughter is tech savvy, and has an iPod etc., she has her own mind. I have just taught her since she was a Toddler, that she be herself, not a copy cat, and to go DISCERN what is going on. So she does. Though her friend is a text/tech addict, she is not. She will even tell her friend "stop texting me.... I'm busy." Or she simply turns it off.

You need to tell your daughter... that either she is a follower/copy cat... or she has her own, mind.
AND put limits on the length of time she can be on it.
AND that, you can look on it ANY time, too.
SHE has to prove, that she is responsible and is making good choices about friends and all the "drama" on those devices.

Then, per Face Time... IF my daughter's friend asks to do that with her... my daughter will ask me, first IF she can. And I can say no, or yes.
And I have said NO to her before. I tell my daughter... "Using Face Time, is not up to your friend. It is up to ME. Your friend, CANNOT just do it whenever she wants. We are busy now, it is 8:00pm. And you are not just a reaction to her calls. YOU control it too. And me. Your friend would be on that thing 24/7 if she didn't sleep at night. But we don't live on our gadgets."
My daughter, ALWAYS will ask PERMISSION.... to use it. SHE is not allowed, to just use it whenever SHE wants to. Even if she is fully tech savvy about these devices and computers.

Sounds like you are doing a GREAT job!

Keep it up....

I agree... sounds like she had problems with appropriate use...... keep up the restrictions until you see she can handle more responsibility.

It is really up to her whether she can handle the responsibility of facetime.

IF she brings it up have a real talk about why it was taken away and that if she were to ever go back to that behavior, she will never be allowed facetime until she is 18 and not living in your home any longer.

We gave our daughter more and more freedoms based on her behaviors and the proof she could handle them.

We also used a lot of positive attitudes towards her.

When she did follow our rules or showed maturity, we recognized it verbally.

She EARNED our trust. We also had honest dialog about our faults. I told her about the time I came home late from a date and my mom was disappointed and hurt. I told our daughter that I realized that young man was the real cause. I had told him over and over I needed to be home at a certain time. I should have found a way to call my mom, but I wanted to look cool.. And I blew it with my mom.

My husband admitted he would lie about his homework to his parents..
And he got caught every time. He now realizes he should have just made an attempt at doing he homework.

Your daughter just needs guidance at this age.

The way you do that is to set up ways for her to succeed, by telling her," I know you can do this."

" I know you will follow this rule."

" I am sure this attitude is not what you really feel and actually have something you want to say to me."

And then ALLOW her to tell you the truth. To share her frustration, her anger, her confusion, her suggestion.. in a non confrontational way..

She is at an age that the two of you should be able to speak in adult conversations, without you taking it personally or feel threatened about your parenting choices. Work with her to come up with solutions. And then she can take responsibility for her own behaviors, instead of trying to rebel about your requests.

Your relationship is changing very quickly. You only have a few years to build up to accepting her as an adult.

as a mom of 14 and 11 yr old girls who both have the ipod touch can I just say that I understand completely.

We used to talk on the phone for hours, well I hate to admit it but facetime or Skype is today's version of that. I think the reason your old daughter is back has more to do with her actually going to sleep when you send her to bed instead of the facetime.

I instituted a "bedtime" for my kid's electronics. Put the chargers in the kitchen and at 9 pm or whatever you decide the ipod has to be put to the charger so it can sleep. This will keep the sneaking it in the middle of the night.

Good luck, it sounds like you need to talk to your daughter about peer pressure and sticking to her true self. It's so easy to see that type of stuff from the outside, but being the mom in the moment it is SO HARD to figure it out.

Great job, mom. You're fixing this problem early. Too bad the other mom hasn't...

I would leave the Face Time off. It's not necessary.

If she begs to have it back, make it conditional that she cannot readopt the attitude problem, start swearing, or asking about makeup. If she does, tell her that's now lost it indefinitely.

I know that all of these devices and social network stuff is the future for these kids, but it seems to cause nothing but problems and drama. My 11 yr old has an IPod and is on Instagram and we've had a few problems crop up. I've had to delete a few people she's followed. I just wish these things didn't even exist!

So, don't we all have that One "friend" that just gets us in trouble? My brother had one, and my parents had to point out that every time you play with xwz you two get in trouble, is it woth it?

I think you have to talk to her and be clear, if these behaviors come back, she is going to loose it agian.

At some point she is going to turn 18.. have this huge world of repsonsibility and options, Hopefully this can be a lesson how you deal with responsibility.

What I would do is turn off the camera on the Ipod using the restrictions on settings with a password known only to you. This eliminates facetime, snapchat, and and any other implusive picture or video taking or messanging.

I will turn on my DD's camera for legitimate use when she is supervised. You could allow facetime if she asks you, but only if she in space in the house you can walk by at anytime, and you can see a history of who she is face-timing with. I would not allow it on in her bedroom behind closed doors, ever.

Your DD will still be able to text and talk to her friends without using the camera. I wouldn't want until you have a larger problem with it, especially if she isn't skilled at seeing long-term consequences for her actions. Too risky.