Girl Trouble at 10 - Westwood,MA

I think you need to put this in writing and email it to the principal. You need to calm down first because you need to write better than you have here. (Not criticizing - just being honest. You ramble a lot here and a lot of what you said is redundant...)

You also need to go in and talk to the principal and the guidance counselor, which means getting an appointment.

If you don't, then this is just going to escalate. Then you'll need to hire an attorney. That may be the only thing this mother understands, quite frankly, to get her daughter to rein herself in. But you need to work with the school first.

Good luck.

I'm really confused by your post. So the school settled the matter by saying it was accidental, but the girl's spreading the rumor that your son hit her. So you went to the mom? Why? And you told her your son isn't allowed to interact with her daughter? Why would you do that? Even if it's true, going to her and telling her that seems like button pushing and vengeful. My kids have had problems with other students - they get discussed with the teachers. I've asked the teachers to monitor and keep distance between the kids, but I don't go to the parents and stick my thumb in their eye for it. And it sounds as though the school settled the matter but that you're looking for ways of keeping it going. If the school declared it an accident, then why do you need to go to the administration? Isn't that part of the school? Isn't that who determined it was an accident in the first place? Yes, it's disturbing and worrisome that he could get blamed for something serious. But I'm not sure what you're trying to accomplish when it's already on record that the hit was an accident.

She's a drama queen, but take care not to feed her drama for her. Do a few simple and direct things to help your son but don't talk about her, and don't go back to her mom on your own. I would not have done that unless the mom was someone you personally knew well but it's done now.

I agree with Rocio -- I would go to someone at school to let them know she's lying and saying your son hit her. But I'm not sure the administrators are the right place to go, UNLESS they are the ones who confirmed to you that the girl was hit by a dodgeball and not your son (I do agree with others that this part of your post was confusing -- did the school "confirm" this with you? To the girl's mom who was asking them about it? To everyone? Why did the school do it?).

If the kids are in the same classroom for most or all subjects I would talk in person to that teacher, without your son there. I would let the teacher know that the girl is telling everyone your son hit her; that you, as an adult, know that schools today take these kinds of statements VERY seriously (they do -- kids get suspended for things like that when it really does happen); and you need those in authority to know that this girl is lying. You have the school's own conclusion (that she was hit by the ball, not another kid) on your side -- remind the teacher.

Make the teacher your ally! Don't go in there with any whiff of "You aren't protecting my son" or even the very tempting "This girl needs to be dealt with." The teacher very, very likely already knows that. But say that you want to be on the record with the teacher and the school that your son did not do what she claims. Tell the teacher that in today's world where bullying is taken so very seriously, you do not want your child caught up in false claims, and everyone already knows he did not do what she said -- but she persists.

You are right to tell your son to avoid this girl entirely. If they are in the same classes, you might also need to ask the teacher to ensure that they are not put on group projects together, on gym class teams together, etc. (This may mean you need to involve the gym teacher, but you could ask the class teacher if she can handle that, maybe.) I would just be sure the school knows that because YOU know these charges could be taken seriously against your son, you want him and this girl kept apart. I think the school probalby already has her on their radar as a problem, and is going to keep them apart anyway, but don't take it for granted. Don't be all over the school about it, either, and never, ever badmouth this girl to other parents or you will end up being seen as a problem yourself, and teachers will be far less likely to work with you.

Then -- drop it. Don't hover over him, or sit in every class with him. That will mark him out to other kids as a kid who can't look after himself. Check in with him by asking him about his day and keeping lines of communication open. Ensure that you are plugged in with other parents and volunteer at school enough to be on the grapevine if this kid does continue to talk up your son's supposed hit, but be assured -- she is going to move on to another victim of her drama.

you're feeding the drama queen with exactly what she wants.
i suggest you and your son both starve her.
khairete
S.

This mother is out of line and out of bounds. She is thriving on the drama and the attention. You've actually fueled that by speaking to her at all, let alone by telling her she's getting to you and that your son is not allowed near her daughter. Now she will say her daughter is even more the victim of your son.

A minor point - this girl texted your son? I'm not sure why your 10 year old has a cell phone but I'm hoping it is ONLY so he can reach you and someone else in case of emergency. Block her number NOW. Tell him if he engages with her or any other child on matters like this, he loses his cell phone and a few other privileges.

I have NO idea why you would think it was a good idea to intervene in a disciplinary matter that the school was handling. The school has a protocol, and your involvement should be with the school only, not with the other mother. Do not talk to her, and block HER number from YOUR cell phone. If she approaches you on anything, tell her succinctly to make an appointment with the principal.

I would set up a conference now with the principal and perhaps the classroom teacher, and YOU. If your child's father is in the picture, then include him - no one else unless there is also a school psychologist or a professional of that nature. Not the other mom. The teacher can take whatever steps are necessary to make sure that this girl and your son are not seated together, not assigned to a team project for anything, not lining up together.

But as a former teacher, I can tell you that learning stops when teachers are expected to supervised every interaction and report back to parents. That's why I disagree with the suggestion below that you should be in the classroom! No you shouldn't! That would just put you in the same category as the interfering mother. You DO have the right to request that a neutral party be in the classroom, someone with expertise and someone not connected to either this girl or your son. The school psychologist, or a guidance department member, or even a paraprofessional aide would be better suggestions. Let them observe what's going on but appear to just be classroom visitors. If you are informed that this will happen, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you inform your son of this! This is not the sort of issue a 10 year old should be handling. His involvement with the girl should be to have one or two set phrases to use when she interacts with him. These phrases should be supplied by the teacher or principal - he should not answer her, he should only say the key phrases. Those might be something like, "Excuse me, I need to speak to the teacher." (Not "I'm telling" or "I'm not allowed to talk to you.")

I agree that you should write to the principal to request this meeting and that it should be factual with dates and only verified info. (If it's just what your child told you, it puts you in the same category as what this wild mother is doing.) I agree that it needs to be re-read by someone else before you send it, for objectivity, spelling, punctuation, etc. I understand that you are venting on mamapedia, and that's what we're here for, but a lot of your post was written in anger/frustration and I agree that it is rambling a bit and difficult to understand. It would be easier for the administration because they are familiar with the incidents and personalities involved. But still, it should be proofread with proper spelling and grammar, and a logical sequence. Be sure to say what you are asking for (such as a meeting, and certainly some guidance). You should say also that you respect their expertise as well as confidentiality for students (that lets them know that you understand they are not going to share with you anything about this mother and child or what the underlying problems are or what has already been said to them. Don't fawn over them, because that doesn't ring true, but don't blast them either. For all the contact you've had with this mother, they've probably had 10 times as much. It's okay to admit that you were in touch with the mother but that you now think that wasn't a good idea, and to ask for their advice on what you should do/say to your child.

Leave out the fact that your child is a straight A student. That's very nice for you and for him, but it is not relevant to his behavior or his rights in the class. A good student can be a bully, and a poor student is entitled to just as much protection from a bully.

The calmer you can be in your dealings with the school and with your son, the more progress you will make and the more your son will see the best course of action to follow in a dispute. You go to the authorities, you don't expect 10 year olds to deal with parental issues, and parents are their child's best advocate IF they follow the protocols.

You are obviously very upset about this. I would either request a meeting with the school counselor/teacher/principal, or perhaps better for records, send a letter. Make sure you have someone else re-read the letter before sending it so that it is clearly worded and states only facts. State your concern about your son being targeted for bullying by this girl. Only state facts, not your feelings and if you write about what your son told you make sure to explain these are a 10 year olds recollections of the events. Then make a specific request such as: "Please seat my son away from this girl in the classroom, do not place them on project or gym teams together. I also request that the counselor meet with him to hear his concerns directly in my presence". Written communications with the principal have to be acted on and leave a record of your concerns in case this escalates as you fear. However, they are only 10 and my kids have had close friends who drifted away due to differing interests that are still "school friends" and one even stopped talking to my daughter due to a perceived neglect (that my daughter denies) and now several years later in high school they are all best of friends again. Good luck and take a deep breath :)

I think Leigh gave you good advice. You need to give your son good advice, too.

NEVER talk to this girl. Ignore her.
NEVER mention/talk of this girl, to anyone. No words about her, period. She's a pain in the butt, but since this girl and mom seem hell-bent on being offended, as others have suggested, don't feed into it.

IF your son has a problem with the girl, tell him to go directly to the teacher. Do not try to solve it himself. Kids are usually encouraged to solve things on their own, but in this case, if he can't ignore it, he should say NOTHING directly to the girl unless the teacher is a witness.

In PE/games, remind him to just ignore her-- to NEVER throw anything in her direction. That does sound overboard, but once again, we don't feed this monster.

If you need to talk to the teacher and counselor, I think those discussions are better than trying to prove your son's innocence with the principal. The teacher and counselor can also answer any questions as to 'what should my son do if such and such occurs?' Find out their preferred protocol.

My son has recently been picked on by a classmate-- rather meanly-- I took the approach with the teacher of "what would you like him to do when X happens", which let her know that I wanted my son stay within classroom limits. He's in first grade, but what she said was "have him come to me every time these things happen". She really does want to know. I didn't ask about 'what's going to happen to the other kid' or anything about the other kid, just "here's what has happened, my son wants to know what HE should do so he doesn't get in trouble." So, be sure to go in with an attitude of seeking help, not taking this girl down. And whatever you do, do NOT address this girl or her mother, period. I know you are mad, but it will only get YOU in trouble with the school. Good luck.

Some parents are out of bounds. I have not personally run into this, but I have heard of it. Yeah, tell administration. I'm sure they already have a heads up about the mom/daughter. And if they don't now, they will.

A mom I know has been having problems with another girl and her mother. The other mother has taken to giving her daughter (these are 9 yr olds - 4th grade girls) dirty looks. My friend told the mother off. My friend informed the principal. The principal told her to knock it off.

Sometimes, you do have to contact the administration.

If the school is on your side and your son is able to avoid the other student, it will probably boil over. Unfortunately, this is one of the problems with public and private schools-- kids are mean to each other. My sister changed to homeschooling after middle school largely because of bullying. The other mom is going to take her child's view point, so getting her to see reason probably isn't going to happen.

I would be in that classroom each day when he goes to school then again when he's picked up. I'd want to know of any incident that happened during the day. If there was something she had done to him I'd make sure to drop by the principles office and ask that they address it with the child so that the principle will know you are aware of it and want it to stop.

I agree that you need to meet with the school principal, guidance counselor, and I might toss in the school social worker. I would write down and lay out a simple, factual timeline for them to see. You can show them the texts, because you should still have them. Print out any e-mails exchanged so that they can see the history.

If the children are in the same class, request that your son be moved to another class. The reasoning here is because you can't request that the girl be moved. They won't move her unless her mother requests it. You can request that they not be in any classes together at all, that their lockers not be near each other, whatever. Request that their contact be nonexistent and if that's impossible, then minimal. Set up a plan of action for if/when something happens with her that involves your son.

You have to instruct your son to ignore her as if she isn't there. He is not to talk to her or about her even if she starts rumors. If she talks to his friends then his response should be, "She did? I don't really want to talk about her. Let's study for ____ and then play Mario Kart." No talking about her to his friends. And if she's saying damaging things about him he's to report it to the guidance counselor so that the plan of action can take place.

If he accidentally bumps into her or she into him, he needs to report it to the guidance counselor immediately. If she talks to him, even if he doesn't respond to the girl, he needs to report it immediately. Because for the first little while, probably a month or two, that girl will test boundaries and try to get him in trouble. He can't show her anything is bothering him or say he's telling the guidance counselor or you. He just has to ignore her and then go to the guidance counselor.

Unfortunately this means she and her mother will end up targeting other children, but at least this will help the school get a handle on her.